The trailer for the upcoming Avengers: Infinity War is out and I’m confused. I’m not a comic book person but I am an American so I feel contractually obligated to see some of these Marvel movies. And I do! I saw the Captain America one where Cap had a tiny golem body for a minute, I’ve seen at least two Iron Mans, I saw one where everyone was all “look at how cute Spiderman’s butt is” and one where they didn’t say that. I saw the weird beard Asian wizard one and I think I’ve seen the first two Avengers movies but honestly I can’t be sure. I can no longer keep track! There are too many GD avengers!
I think the first line says it all. “There was an idea”. And then there was another one. And another one after that. And Another one soon followed. Pretty soon you have all these ideas pinging around, confusing old people like me who just want to live their lives in relative peace but keep going to see these movies so that the world doesn’t pass us by. I don’t want to turn into my mom who used to be baffled each time a new season of Survivor started and scream, “Who the fuck are all these people!?”.
But, that ship has sailed and so I ask, who the fuck are all these people? Who is the guy with the glowy forehead thing? Is this a A Beautiful Mind crossover? Who is the pink giant that looks like an enormous stubbed toe? Which Olsen twin is that? Why are the bugs from Starship Troopers in there? Lord, I’m going to have to accept that I can no longer keep up and resign myself to being old and out of touch. Advantage: Avengers.
Robert Downey Jr. has been playing Tony Stark/Iron Man since 2008, and has played him in eight movies including Spider-Man: Homecoming. He’ll also appear in two more Avengers movies. I’m sure some people can’t hear the word iron without picturing his face. But it might not always be like that.
Seen above happily releasing a fart into the face of a 2-starred candy striper who knows what’s coming and doesn’t like (Side note: I know, I showed my nerd ignorance by not knowing who she’s dressed as. Or maybe I’m right and 2-Starred Candy Striper Girl is an actual superhero.), Robert Downey Jr. is the latest Avenger to spit out some outrage fuel into the gas tank of the Internet.
On the same day that RDJ hit the nope switch and quit an interview after he was asked questions about politics and his drug days, The Guardian asked him for his thoughts on what Birdman director Alejandro González Iñárritu said about big-budget superhero movies full of explosions and more explosions. Alejandro said that big-budget superhero movies “have been poison, this cultural genocide, because the audience is so overexposed to plot and explosions and shit that doesn’t mean nothing about the experience of being human.” RDJ didn’t side-eye Alejandro for using the phrase “cultural genocide” to describe stupid superhero movies, but he did condescendingly slow clap over Alejandro, whose first language is Spanish, being able come up with such big English words on his own.
“Look, I respect the heck out of him, and I think for a man whose native tongue is Spanish to be able to put together a phrase like ‘cultural genocide’ just speaks to how bright he is.”
If you need to see those words come out of RDJ’s smug slit, skip to the 0:27 mark below:
This may blow RDJ’s mind, but English is my first language (“Could’ve fooled me, you illiterate bitch!” – you) and I can say “cultural genocide” in Spanish, French and Italian since it’s not that goddamn different.
Or maybe RDJ is side-eying Alejandro, who is Mexican, for casually using the phrase “cultural genocide” when Spanish explorers committed actual genocide hundreds of years ago. I don’t know! But I do know that these Avenger bitches are going all out during this press tour. Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans pissed people off by jokingly calling Black Widow a slut and a whore. During a taping of Graham Norton (which airs this weekend), Elizabeth Olsen apparently compared her character to a “gypsy” and when Graham told her that word is a slur, Mark Ruffalo started chanting “gypsy” over and over again to get it out of his system. And now this. It’s as if right before the press tour started, the head of publicity said to their staff, “This movie is going to shit money into our mouths no matter what we do, so let’s just let those messes go out on their own and say whatever they want. Let’s commit liver genocide by boozing it up in the Caribbean, you slut whores!”
Here’s RDJ, Chris Evans, Jeremy Renner and Mark Ruffalo on Good Morning America today.
Having waited 90 damn minutes in line to see that Hunger Games shit, I was not about to do it again for The Avengers so I was not one of the fifty billion people to pay $14 to see it this weekend. They didn’t miss my money, because it made a little over $200 million. To put things into perspective, that’s around $199, 999, 970 more than Katherine Heigl’s masterpiece Zyzzyx made in its entire run. The Avengers slapped down Harry Potter’s ass and now holds the title for having the biggest opening weekend ever. Showgirls SHOULD hold the title for having the biggest opening (you can stop right there and this sentence will still make sense) weekend ever, which is why I’ll never understand American cinema and shit.
Deadline Hollywood says that The Avengers has made almost $600 million internationally. It had the best biggest grossing opening weekend in IMAX’s history and also broke records in over a dozen countries. Allow me to translate those figures into slut talk we can all understand. Basically, The Avengers is the permanently hard 9-inch dick of superhero movies. Makes sense now, right? Here’s what the rest of the weekend’s box office looked like:
1. The Avengers – $200.3 million
2. Think Like A Man – $8 million
3. The Hunger Games – $5.7 million
4. The Lucky One – $5.1 million
5. The Pirates! Band of Misfits – $5.4 million
6. The Five-Year Engagement – $5.1 million
7. The Raven – $2.5 million
8. Safe – $2.4 million
9. Chimpanzee – $2.3 million
10. The Three Stooges – $1.8 million
I bet every single person who paid to see The Three Stooges only did so because their dumb asses didn’t buy tickets to The Avengers online. Every movie theater cashier who sold a ticket to The Three Stooges probably heard the line: “The Avengers is sold out all night? Damn. Give me a ticket to The Three Stooges then, I guess. Damn!”