Because of the billions upon billions of stories from people who have been preyed on by powerful trash men, Hollywood as we know it is burning down to the ground. And lurking in the smoke and flames is Hollywood’s future: ANGELYNE!
My headline is a bit misleading (What else is new?), because when I think of an “Angelyne TV series,” I prolapse from butt orgasming over the thought of an Angelyne reality show starring Angelyne. This isn’t a reality show and it’s not going to star Angelyne herself. It’ll be a scripted limited-series starring Emmy Rossum and it’ll be based on The Hollywood Reporter’s riveting tale of Angelyne’s transformation from Polish refugee to the candy-dipped Queen of Los Angeles. Hey, I’ll take an Angelyne TV series anyway it comes.
You probably aren’t reading this, because you’re at the Geek Squad to get your computer fixed after it shut down and farted up a giant smoke cloud. I know that usually happens when you come to this skank site, but it happened this time because no machine can take the high-octane dual elegance of Angelique “Frenchy” Morgan and the pink crown jewel of Hollywood that is Angelyne!
The two pink swans joined forces in Malibu, CA yesterday to grace their loyal subjects (aka the paparazzi) with their demure presence. While wearing the uniform of the highest-paid truck stop hooker in Central Florida, Frenchy tried to keep up with Angelyne’s pose game. Frenchy gave it her all, but almost no one can come close to bringing it like the adult Hugga Bunch doll can. In fact, sources (that live in my head) told me that Angelyne’s hot pink chariot of perfection didn’t get busted from an accident. The bumper fell out as soon as Angelyne’s exquisite flamingo leg went up. Even Angelyne’s own car can’t take her hot moves.
I’m on vacation in Pair-ree right now and I haven’t been to the Louvre yet (because I hate myself, but I don’t hate myself enough to stand in that line), but if I go, I plan to immediately ask to speak to the “manager.” I’m going to take the manager to a private corner and whisper in their ear that I have a hot art tip for them that’ll make them the envy of every museum in the world! I will tell the “manager” that a highly important work of art and historic artifact is up for auction. Once I tell them that Angelyne is selling one of her priceless hot pink chariots, I will fall back out of shock if the manager doesn’t wink at me while saying that they’re already on it.
The forever-reigning Queen of Los Angeles, who for years made the city a much more glamorous place with her billboards, is graciously offering up one of her beautiful chariots to us, the peasants. L.A. Weekly says that the stunning love child of an anime doll and a hot pink peony is selling one of the pink Corvettes that blows pink glitters out of its exhaust pipes when she drives around while surveying her land. She also uses her Corvette to sell Angelyne merchandise to her subjects out of her trunk.
Right above “wearing UGGs with coochie cutters,” “driving a pink car when your government name is not Angelyne or you’re not one of Mary Kay’s top associates” should be against the law in L.A. THIS IS ILLEGAL!
The permanent oozing herp sore on humanity’s peen tip that is Parasite Hilton drove up to Barney’s yesterday in one of the only cars big enough to hold her hooves. While dressed like a vapid piece of spoiled trash who’s daddy made her get a job in his real estate firm as a junior agent, Wonks got out of her pink slime Bentley in Beverly Hills. Angelyne doesn’t only have a gift for showing civilization what true glamour is, but she also has a gift for impeccable timing. Because while Wonky was doing that, Angelyne was in front of a newsstand in Hollywood showing basic bland whores like Wonky how a true goddess gets out of a pink chariot.
Face up, tits out, legs crossed. GAME POINT!
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com
Pictured: One of Dlisted’s new interns making a beef jerky and MD 20/20 run for the office this morning.
You already know that Dlisted is a first-class corporation (read: the opposite of that) that operates out of a first-class office building (read: the same room where I sleep and watch marathons of HGTV’s first ever soft-core gay porn show Cousins Undercover while eating Bisquick powder out of the box with a spoon) and now it’s even more professional thanks to my two new interns. I got a Cocosbuttload of amazing responses to my post, so I brought on two interns instead of just one.
So welcome Megan (better known to commenters as ISprainedMyUvula) and Allison. Starting today, Megan and Allison will drop in a post or three here and there in between doing behind-the-scenes important company stuff like organizing our offices’ move to Dildo Island. Don’t worry, I’ve already hazed them both by making them stare into the terrifying and hypnotizing eyes of Phoebe Price while cropping a dozen pictures of her and by searching Google for any new topless pictures of Carrot Top.
And I’ll let you decide which one of them looks exactly like Angelyne. (SPOILER ALERT: Neither of them. They wish!)
The inventor of cement, the makers of wedge flip-flops, Sir Isaac Newton’s estate, the paparazzo who shot this, Los Angeles County and who ever built that curb should all face felony charges for their role in the crime against natural beauty that happened in Beverly Hills the other day.
While sashaying into a building in Beverly Hills, Hollywood’s very own hot pink unicorn Angelyne tripped on the curb and nearly fell on her exquisitely crafted porcelain face. God would’ve been so damn mad if something happened to his greatest creation. You can say that it’s Angelyne’s fault since she was covering her face Amanda Bynes-style. But Angelyne has to cover her gorgeous face or everyone around her will go into shock from being that close to her beauty. So Angelyne was doing humanity a favor and this is what she gets for it?!
And you know, I have a feeling this was all staged by Angelyne to make all of us think that she’s a mere mortal. Because we all know that Angelyne could’ve easily sprouted her pink angel wings and flown her face to safety.