Archives: November 2015

Open Post: Hosted By Jennifer Lawrence Casually Flipping Off The Paps

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s…it’s beautiful” whispered reigning pap-flipping queen Kristen Stewart, as she wiped away a single tear with her middle finger.

While leaving her apartment with her dog friend Pippi the other day, Jennifer Lawrence reminded us that she’s still America’s cool no-fucks-given older cousin by greeting the photographers waiting outside with a subtle “fuck you“. Ah, the sneaky holding-a-latte middle finger; truly one of the more sophisticated of bird flips.

I don’t know why JLaw’s exit required a middle finger, but I will say this: if she was pissed off about the paps waiting outside for her, she could have easily distracted them by letting her dog walk out first. That adorable old man-faced dog would have stolen every last ounce of spotlight from JLaw, thus letting her slip past everyone unnoticed. Hell, she could have waltzed out the front door in full Katniss drag holding her Oscar in one hand and a piece of pizza in the other, and all the paps would be like “Out of the way, you’re blocking the dog!” Always let Pippi walk first, and you’ll never have to worry about people taking your picture ever again!

Pics: Splash

Gwen Stefani And Blake Shelton Took Their FaceTime Game To Disneyland

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Honey, go stand in front of a window with better light. The paps…I mean, I’m having a hard time seeing your face.

Last week, thirst’s current poster girl Gwen Stefani was “caught” (aka she made sure the paps her assistant called had an unobstructed view of her iPhone screen for as long as it took for them to get a decent shot) in the middle of a FaceTime chat with her new boyfriend Blake Shelton. Well, Gwen is still clearly very dehydrated, because she did it again during a trip to Disneyland yesterday.

Gwen was once again “caught” having a totally natural and completely spontaneous FaceTime moment with Blake Shelton while strolling from Toontown to the Small World ride with her kids. TMZ has a crystal-clear picture of Gwen FaceTiming with Blake, because those two are subtle like that. Then when the battery died on Gwen’s phone, she swung by Snow White’s castle and tried to FaceTime him on the Queen’s Magic Mirror, but Mickey was like “Girl, no” and asked her to leave. Okay, that last part didn’t happen, but only because Gwen’s assistant always makes sure her phone battery is charged to 100% before any kind of PR stunt.

I have no idea what those two talked about during their call. The obvious answer is that they said nothing and just looked at each other until enough people noticed that two of the judges from The Voice were FaceTiming each other. But I like to think Blake was like “Excuse me? You went to Disneyland and didn’t invite me? The AUDACITY! Ugh, I guess you could try to make it up to me by bringing me home a churro and a Dole Whip.

Here’s more of Gwen and Blake working hard for those future UsWeekly covers while at Disneyland yesterday.

Pics: Splash,

Our New Chosen One Has Arrived!

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Go ahead and flip to December 25th on your calendars and scratch out the words “Christmas Day, ” because our new lord-ess and savior has been born. November 28th is our new Christmas! People says that today, CoCo, our modern day Virgin Mary and the reigning Empress of the Camel Toes, gave birth to our new messiah. CoCo and Ice-T are now parents to a baby girl. Praise our new elegant messiah!

36-year-old CoCo and 57-year-old Ice-T announced a while ago that they were giving their first child together a name as elegant as them.

The couple welcomed their first child together, daughter Chanel Nicole, on Saturday, Nov. 28, their rep confirms to PEOPLE. Born at 11:47 a.m. in Englewood, New Jersey, the baby girl weighed in at 5 lbs., 7 oz.

Baby Chanel is the couple’s first child together and the third for Ice-T, 57, who is already father to adult children Tracy and Letesha from previous relationships.

“5lbs, 7 oz” must be a typo. I mean, that gorgeous portrait of CoCo in demure maternity wear was taken during her 36th week. I know, I’m zero weeks knocked up and after the eating holiday I’ve had, I look 36 weeks pregnant more than her ass does. So, I’m guessing that she gave birth to a tiny jewel of a baby who’s about the size of her French tip and weighs less than a swan’s breath.

CoCo also tweeted a picture of the luckiest baby in the world.

Chanel Nicole is definitely saying to herself, “Oh my GOD, I can’t believe how GORGEOUS my mother is!’ Congratulations to Chanel Nicole for getting to have CoCo as a mother! And congratulations to us all, because CoCo and Ice-T will definitely teach Chanel Nicole how to be as elegant as them and this world definitely needs more elegance in it.

Pic: Instagram

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50 Cent Is Bragging About Being Rich On Instagram Again

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

The last time we checked in on 50 Cent’s money situation, a judge was calling bullshit on his allegedly broke ass by ordering him to whip out his checkbook and hand over $7 million to the woman whose sex tape he posted online without her consent. Then 50’s lawyer sort of shrugged and was like “Well, he declared he’s bankrupt, so…good luck with that.” Even 50 kept the charade going by pretending to be poor on social media.

Unfortunately, it looks like redirecting the entirety of his mental capacity from pretending to be poor to dragging Vivica Fox might have hit the reset button on his brain, because yesterday he threw up a picture and a video of the inside of his fridge filled with stacks of money to Instagram. Which, you know, is always a good move when you’re trying to convince people that you’re bankrupt.

A video posted by 50 Cent (@50cent) on

50 Cent is shady as hell, so who knows if that’s even his money. Or his fridge, for that matter! I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time 50 Cent took us on a home tour and passed other people’s shit off as his own.

I know I’m supposed to be focusing on the bonkers fact that 50 Cent stores wads of cash in his fridge, but I’ll be totally honest: I’m having a hard time concentrating on the money because I keep getting distracted by those Kraft Singles. If 50 was really as rich as he wants us to believe, that fridge would be filled with packages of Kraft Deli Deluxe. Nothing says “I’m truly rich, bitch” like the ~fanciest~ of processed cheese slices.

Pic: Instagram


Kate Beckinsale And Ben Affleck’s Friends Think They Should Start Boning Again

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Back in 2001, there were whispers that Ben Affleck was rubbing his gambling bits against his Pearl Harbor co-star Kate Beckinsale, who had just called it quits with her long-term piece Michael Sheen. Ben and Kate never confirmed they were fucking, and it didn’t last very long, on account of Ben getting with Jennifer Lopez and Kate hooking up with her future ex-husband Len Wiseman on the set of Underworld.

However, there are some people who still really, really want to see Ben and Kate together again, and those people are Ben and Kate’s busybody friends. And according to The Sun (via Daily Mail), there’s a chance that shit might happen. The Sun says that Kate started talking to her former fuck buddy shortly after her 11-year marriage bit the dust a couple months ago. Right now, recently-single Kate is reaching out to less-recently-single Ben for “support“, but their friends are hoping she starts reaching for his crotch.

“Kate used to be madly in love with Ben. He would make her giddy with excitement any time they were in the same room. Some of their friends have suggested that they’re made for each other and should give a proper relationship a go.”

Another source tells the Daily Mail that Kate probably shouldn’t put her pussy on hold for Ben, because he’s busy with work and being a dad to his three kids.

We’ve already gotten a “JLo still has the hots for Ben” story, and now we’ve got a “Kate Beckinsale still has the hots for Ben” story, which means it’s really only a matter of time before we get a “Gwyneth Paltrow still has the hots for Ben” story. I can practically picture it now: “A source claims Goopy has replaced her $950 cooze wipes with an organic bidet spray made from playing cards, dirty carpet, and booze to mimic the scent of a casino in an attempt to lure Ben back.


Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Tommy Puett, the panty creamer of the early 90s from Life Goes On!

I know that the sight of that mullet of perfection and those man nipples probably made your crotch howl into the sky and foam at the mouth. It’s understandable, because Tommy Puett was the epitome of an adonis. Tommy Puett played the boyfriend of Becca (played by Kellie Martin) on Life Goes On from the first season until 1991 when his character, Tyler, (SPOILER ALERT) died in a car crash to give more screen time to her new love interest played by Chad Lowe.

Tyler was also one of Corky’s best friends. Corky was in the passenger seat when Tyler was sent to the unemployment line. Even back then I knew that Tyler was a hot piece. I mean, dude had a mullet you just wanted to grab onto while riding him as you screamed, “yippee-ki-yi-yay,” and he wore a sleeveless shirt like he was born to wear a sleeveless shirt. He looked like Billy Ray Cyrus in a Billy Ray Cyrus gay porn parody called Achy Breaky B-Hole.

During Life Goes On, Tommy had a moment where he was pin-up for Bop and Tiger Beat magazines. After Life Goes On, he did guest appearances on a few more TV shows before retiring from acting in 1997. He’s an entrepreneur now and surprisingly, he doesn’t make millions from letting people stroke his luscious mullet for a fee. Tommy Puett makes tiny bill caps and other sports stuff. He doesn’t have a mullet anymore. I’m sure the party part of his gorgeous mullet was carefully removed from his head and placed in a prime spot at the Smithsonian.

Tommy’s sister is Devyn Puett who was on Kids Incorporated for 2 seasons. Devyn also sang back-up on Martika’s legendary opus “Toy Soldiers.” She was just as important to pop culture as her brother was. So yeah, we will all die wondering, “Why didn’t the Puetts become the royal family of Hollywood?”


Birthday Sluts

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Bryshere Gray aka Hakeem from Empire (22)
Scarlett Pomers (27)
Karen Gillan (28)
Alan Ritchson (31)
Trey Songz (31)
Mary Elizabeth Winstead (31)
Sharon Needles (34)
Chamillionaire (36)
Daniel Henney (36)
Aimee Garcia (37)
Ryan Kwanten (39)
Sunny Mabrey (40)
Jon Stewart (53)
Jane Sibbett (53)
Alfonso Cuaron (54)
John Galliano (55)
Judd Nelson (56)
S. Epatha Merkerson (63)
Ed Harris (65)
Paul Schaffer (66)
Randy Newman (72)
Berry Gordy Jr. (86)

Pic: Baller Alert


Open Post: Hosted By Tom Brady Terrorizing His Kids In A Turkey Costume

November 27, 2015 / Posted by:

For some reason, living Dream Phone card Tom Brady celebrated Thanksgiving by dressing up as what can only be described as the overcooked nightmare baby of a sausage from the sixth inning Milwaukee Brewers Sausage Race and a pierogi from the Pittsburgh Pirates Great Pierogi Race and hid in a pile of leaves to scare two of his children. And then when he realized that scarring two people for life wasn’t enough, he uploaded a video of it all on Facebook and continued to traumatize a bunch of strangers as well. Thanks, Tom!

I don’t know if Tom slipped into that creepy turkey costume before or after dinner, but let’s hope it was after. Otherwise, I can only imagine how awkward things got while they were going around the table and saying what they were thankful for. “I’m thankful…that my parents are rich as hell, because I’m going to need a couple thousand dollars worth of therapy after that leaf pile prank.

On the upside, Gisele Bundchen totally has a new disguise for her next incognito visit to the plastic surgeon.

Video: Facebook


A Bunch Of Endangered Bird Nests Almost Got Trampled During A Taylor Swift Video Shoot In New Zealand

November 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Because Taylor Swift has made it her life goal to be the closest thing we have to a real-life Disney princess, I naturally assumed that meant she was BFFs with the world’s most adorable animals. Yes, only the adorable ones; just like her sugar cookie squad, you have to be cute to get a membership card. (Sorry spiders and that disgusting fish that looks like Ziggy).

But apparently that’s not true! According to BBC News, a bunch of tiny adorable endangered birds in New Zealand almost found themselves homeless this week after Tay Tay decided to film a music video on the beach where they nest. “I can relate” said Ian McKellen. New Zealand conservationists are claiming that birdie homes belonging to the New Zealand dottorel (also known as the New Zealand plover) were at risk of being destroyed after the crew responsible for working on Tay Tay’s new video, Cherokee Films, drove too many trucks onto Bethells Beach during filming. Apparently they had a permit for two, but witnesses claim there were at least a dozen ripping through the tiny bird-sized streets of Plover Place.

ONE News New Zealand got a picture during Taylor’s video shoot, and I don’t see any trucks. Then again, I don’t see any birds, either, so who knows? Maybe the birds and the trucks are having a rumble behind the honey wagon.

Cherokee Films has since released a statement saying that Tay Tay and her management team aren’t at fault for this mess, and had no involvement in planning where on the beach the video would be shot. They also claim they didn’t hurt any birdies or violate any permits.

Even though none of the plover nests got crushed during filming, Cherokee Films announced they were going to make a donation to the dottorel/plover breeding program. Too late, Cherokee Films! I’m sure Tay Tay has already started planning how to “please welcome…” all those birds to the stage to help her drag your ass through song.

Pic: Splash

Anne Hathaway Is Knocked Up

November 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Okay, NOW you can announce it” said Anne Hathaway to her blabbermouth brother.

So apparently Anne Hathaway’s current favorite way to have her eggs prepared is fertilized (I truly deserved every last groan I got for that one). E! says two sources have confirmed that Anne’s husband Adam Shulman put a baby in her, and she’s in her second trimester and “feeling great“. Anne hasn’t said if she’s pregnant, but E! has a couple pictures of her looking swole in the babymaker area while strolling around Beverly Hills last week, so I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.

Other than that she’s “feeling great“, we really don’t know much else about Anne or her baby. But it’s probably safe to assume that Anne’s baby will be born belting out a Broadway showstopper instead of crying, followed by a melodramatic acceptance speech given to the delivery room nurses that it had been practicing every day for 4 weeks in a reflective puddle of amniotic fluid.

Really though, let’s be honest – the only thing we care about is what Anne Hathaway will name her baby. If it’s a boy, I’m going to guess she will pay tribute to the love of her life by naming him Oscar. If it’s a girl, then she’ll name it Oscarina. If she decides to go a little more gender neutral, then I’m thinking Academy or Withanee.

Here’s more of Anne Hathaway looking a little knocked up a few weeks ago at LAX. Today I learned: Anne Hathaway’s “a little knocked up” is my “an hour after a Taco Bell Five Buck Box binge.

Pics: Splash,


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