Archives: November 2015

Terrence Howard Just Fell The Hell In Love With Goopy Paltrow

November 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Since Goopy Paltrow is the real White Oprah (sorry, Dina Lohan, but you’re more like the Trashy Robin Byrd), she steam queefed out one of her own Favorite Things list called The Ridiculous (But Awesome) Gifts list. Nearly everything on the list is ridiculous. She got that part right. The list is supposed to come off as tongue-in-cheek, but you know Goopy buys this shit for real.

Open Post: Hosted By Adele Doing The Classroom Instrument Version Of “Hello”

November 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Open Post is going up sooner than usual today, because I know that many of you are leaving your job early to spend hours preparing for Skanksgiving dinner tomorrow. And by “spend hours preparing” I mean that you’re going to buy a can of jellied cranberries, a box of instant mashed potatoes and a pre-made turkey at the grocery store before going home to make a fresh loaf of coochie yeast sourdough and watch porn while getting drunk.

So here’s a little known indie artist named Adele doing an unknown song called “Herro” with The Roots and Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show last night. SPOILER ALERT: That thing she’s holding up to her ear isn’t a big slice of green apple. It’s a flip phone. That little fact really disappointed me.


ICYMI: The Trailer For “Captain America: Civil War”

November 25, 2015 / Posted by:

But let’s be honest, I already posted the trailer for the REAL Captain America: Civil War in today’s Hot Slut of the Day post. The King of Black Friday Jarvis Johnson is the real Captain America and this country’s real Civil War is the Black Friday battle. But anyway, Chris Evans and giant bag of money with a goatee Robert Downey Jr. were on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to make nerds shoot chunky cum loads of excitement by presenting the trailer for that Civil War movie. If you’ve got a nerd in your life and they’re hosting Thanksgiving this year, you better sniff the gravy before pouring it on your mashed potatoes, because who knows what they shot in there while watching this:

I saw explosions, I saw Chris Evans’ huge arms looking like pantyhose stuffed with melons, I saw the Black Panther looking a little wonky-eyed (he may be part Siamese Cat) and I saw ScarJo saying something along the lines of, “Do you really want to do this?” A lot of times in action and superhero movies, there’s a trick saying, “Do you really want to do this?” to the main hero. Stupid ass! Of course they want to do this! If they don’t, there will be no movie, which means there will be no money, which means you’ll have to fly commercial with the peasants, because you won’t be able to afford a private jet. Don’t ask that shit!

But what I mostly saw while watching that trailer is a team of workers building a 50,000 square foot addition next to RDJ’s money vault, because he’s going to need a whole lot more room to store all the cash he’s going to make from this.


Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Jarvis Johnson, the Black Friday King of Avondale, Arizona!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, the day us ‘Mericans lay on our asses all day and build up our strength by stuffing our eating holes with delicious things so that we’ll be 100% ready to elbow a trick in the throat and kick a bitch in the kneecaps while battling it out in a Walmart for a $10 off waffle maker on the holiday that really matters: Black Friday!

On the news here, they’ve been showing wrecks who got in line at Best Buy a week ago and I rolled my eyes at those STUNT QUEENs since they obviously don’t care about the beloved Black Friday holiday. They’re just doing that to get on TV. Jarvis Johnson is probably waiting in line early for the same reason, but at least he’s going all out. Show up and show out is his motto.

Jarvis started waiting in line at Best Buy on Sunday and his set-up is more luxurious and better insulated than some NYC apartments I’ve been in and lived in. Jarvis gave Fox 10 (via HuffPo) a tour of his opulent Black Friday pied-à-terre in front of a Best Buy and it comes complete with a bed, a TV, a heater, a microwave and a fridge. Jarvis also has a sidekick, a kid named Eduardo, who randomly pops up during the tour.

Jarvis said, “the early bird gets the worm,” twice and when it came to Black Friday, I always thought the early bird gets punched in the face by a stronger and meaner ho who shows up at the last minute and shanks anybody in their way. But Jarvis is the expert, so I’m not going to disagree. And I hope that mess of an interview leads to Jarvis and his sidekick Eduardo geting their own show on HGTV.


Birthday Sluts

November 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Joel Kinnaman (36)
Rye Rye (25)
Katie Cassidy (30)
Haley Webb (30)
Gaspard Ulliel (31)
Joey Chestnut (32)
Barbara & Jenna Bush (34)
Jerry Ferrara (36)
Christina Applegate (44)
Jill & Jacqueline Hennessey (47)
Billy Burke (49)
Tim Armstrong (50)
Dougray Scott (50)
Sonja Morgan (52)
Amy Grant (55)
Bruno Tonioli (60)
Charlaine Harris (64)
John Larroquette (68)
Ben Stein (71)

Pic: NY Times


Soap Opera Legend David Canary From “All My Children” Has Died

November 24, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s a sad and shitty day for All My Children fans and all of us 80s kids who watched it while home sick from school. The Wilton Bulletin reports that David Canary, who played good and evil twins Stuart and Adam Chandler on AMC, died from natural causes on November 16th in Wilton, Connecticut. He was 77.

David Canary grew up in Massillon, Ohio, where he played high school football and got a scholarship to the University of Cincinnati. After getting his degree in music, he turned down an offer to play for the Denver Bronco because he wanted to go to New York City to act. David did theater in NYC and around the country before he was drafted into the army. When he get out of the army, he got a recurring role in Peyton Place and later played Candy on Bonanza.

Before he got the role that made him a daytime legend, he was in the soap operas Search For Tomorrow, The Doctors and Another World. On New Year’s Eve in 1983, he made his debut as the ruthless ass Adam Chandler. A year after that, he started playing Adam’s sweet and naive brother Stuart. He played Adam and Stuart Chandler on AMC (and sometimes on my soap One Life to Live) until 2010 when he retired from acting full-time. After retiring, he continued to act a little bit and he went back to All My Children for the show’s finale in 2011. He was nominated 16 times for a Daytime Emmy and won 5 times.

David was married to Maureen Canary for 33 years and they had a son Christopher and a daughter Kathryn.

As soon as I heard the news about Adam Chandler’s death earlier today, I kept refreshing Susan Lucci’s Twitter over and over again for her words about this sadness. Erica Kane was married to Adam Chandler in the early 80s. They broke up, but in the 90s, Adam blackmailed Erica into renewing their vows after telling her that their marriage never legally ended. You know, it happens. La Lucci finally said these words about David Canary:

I just learned the news that the wonderful David Canary has passed away–I saw it posted on Kelly Ripa”s site. My deepest and heartfelt sympathy to his wife Mo and his children, Christopher and Katie. Rest in peace, David–you warm and generous, talented and fabulous man, actor and friend! I am so grateful to have known you–and to have had the privilege of sharing the AMC stage with you! I will never forget you.

Rest in peace, Adam and Stuart Chandler.

Pic: ABC


Night Crumbs

November 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Gigi Hadid has gone from Cody Simpson to Joe Jonas and now she’s on Zayn Malik. Gigi’s PR whores deserve a bonus for working this hard around the holidays and I deserve your damn pity, because I was able to type all those names correctly without Googling. This is my life… – Lainey Gossip 

Radar claims they’ve seen clips from a sex tape where Charlie Sheen sucks some dick between smoking crack. Eh, that’s really nothing, because which one of us hasn’t sucked a dick in front of a camera for some crack? – The Superficial

I’m really disappointed in Maxim for not making that picture extra elegant by Photoshopping a stream of water shooting out of Alessandra Ambrosio’s b-hole – Drunken Stepfather

In these pictures, Richard Gere’s 32-year-old piece is acting like me after I tried Ecstasy for the first time. All vulnerable and confused. I just want to throw orange juice at her – Celebitchy

Mike Shouhed and Jessica Parido from Shahs of Sunset are getting a divorce after 8 months of marriage and I’m prolapsing out of shock, because I can’t believe they lasted as long as 8 months – Reality Tea 

Here’s Megan Fox on the set of New Girl. I don’t know if she’s trying to act or if she just really has to take a piss – IDLYITW

Joseph Gordon-Levitt kissed on James Corden hard and I think James Corden may have needed to change his chonies afterward – Towleroad

Ashley Benson looks like she’s thinking to herself, “double stick tape, don’t let me down,” over and over again – Popoholic

Screw Adele, a real legendary nightingale has a new album out too – OMG Blog

Salma Hayek’s husband is a billionaire, so I don’t know why she’s wearing a Miss Kitty from Gunsmoke dress that was rented from a discount costume shop – Hollywood Tuna 

A Tremors TV show is happening – Pajiba

A judge declared that Sherri Shepherd has to continue to pay child support for the child she wants nothing to do with – Jezebel

The first promo for FOX’s Grease Live! is out. My only question besides “WHY?” is about Carly Rae Jepsen. Is she playing Frenchie or Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink? – SOW

Gwen Stefani needs to drink everything in that Starbucks cup since she’s obviously thirstier than thirsty – Popsugar

John Stamos got 3 years probation for his DUI – Just Jared

Chris Colfer is in the AbFab movie – Boy Culture


Pics: Splash


Will Smith Makes Marriage Sound Really Fun

November 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Jada Pinkett Smith has said before that her marriage with Will Smith has lasted, because she lets him do whatever he wants to do (even if that includes doing another piece) and that they’re their own people and shit. But Will told Entertainment Tonight at last night’s screening of his movie Concussion in L.A. that he and Jada have been married so long because neither of them are willing to quit no matter how awful, horrible, painful and torturous it gets. Be prepared to swoon yourself inside/out, because this is romance. Will said this after ET asked him what the key to their long marriage:

“We’ve been married 20 years and we’ve been asking ourselves that question and really at the end of the day it’s just not quitting. You can’t expect it to be easy, it’s like our marriage was the most difficult, grueling, excruciating thing that we have ever taken on in our lives. And you know we’re just not quitters.

If there is a secret I would say is that we never went into working in our relationship. We only ever worked on ourselves individually, and then presented ourselves to one another better than we were previously.”

I need to know just how excruciating and grueling it is. Is it more painful than watching After Earth on a loop while your eyelids are taped open, your body is strapped to a chair and pure caffeine is being injected into your veins to keep you awake? If it’s more painful than that, then the rumors about Will and Jada being Scientologists must be true and they’re one hundred percent dead inside. Because it doesn’t get anymore painful than that.

And here’s more of Jada and Will at last night’s screening. I can already hear JLo screaming, “THAT BITCH,” because Jada’s wearing the dress she was planning to wear to Catholic mass on Christmas Eve.

Pic: FameFlynet

Would You Have A Threesome With 1960s Sean Connery And Your Sister?

November 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Page Six says that Carly Simon writes in her memoir Boys In The Trees about the time in 1965 when Sean Connery offered up his Scotch eggs and blood sausage to her, only there was one problem… Sean wanted Carly’s sister to get in on the action. What kind of Mad Men episode foolery…

Carly says that when she was 20 and her sister Lucy was 22 they were on a ship traveling from London to New York and they met a then 35-year-old Sean Connery. Carly says that the three of them had drinks and ended up in his cabin. While in his cabin, Sean, who was married at the time, proposed having a ménage à trois. Carly writes that one of her friends called it a “Simon sisters sandwich.” Carly and Lucy said thanks, but no thanks. But the next night, Lucy ended up with a coochie full of 007 and she did it by herself. The Hollywood Reporter says that Carly felt so betrayed by her sister boning Sean Connery that when they got to New York, she ended their musical duo The Simon Sisters. In other words, Sean Connery’s dick broke up The Simon Sisters. Sean Connery’s dick is the original Yoko Ono.

I don’t even want to answer my own headline question, but I will. To paraphrase Meat Loaf, I would do anything for dick but I won’t do that.

My sister and I fight over everything. One time when we were kids, I was playing with her Barbie car and she didn’t like that. We fought over it for a few minutes and I ended up throwing it against the wall and it broke. So imagine what would happen if we had to share a dude. Actually, don’t.

With that being, I hate Carly Simon’s ass for bringing this up.

Pic: United Artists

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