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Pic: Baller Alert
For some reason, living Dream Phone card Tom Brady celebrated Thanksgiving by dressing up as what can only be described as the overcooked nightmare baby of a sausage from the sixth inning Milwaukee Brewers Sausage Race and a pierogi from the Pittsburgh Pirates Great Pierogi Race and hid in a pile of leaves to scare two of his children. And then when he realized that scarring two people for life wasn’t enough, he uploaded a video of it all on Facebook and continued to traumatize a bunch of strangers as well. Thanks, Tom!
I don’t know if Tom slipped into that creepy turkey costume before or after dinner, but let’s hope it was after. Otherwise, I can only imagine how awkward things got while they were going around the table and saying what they were thankful for. “I’m thankful…that my parents are rich as hell, because I’m going to need a couple thousand dollars worth of therapy after that leaf pile prank.”
On the upside, Gisele Bundchen totally has a new disguise for her next incognito visit to the plastic surgeon.
A Bunch Of Endangered Bird Nests Almost Got Trampled During A Taylor Swift Video Shoot In New Zealand
Because Taylor Swift has made it her life goal to be the closest thing we have to a real-life Disney princess, I naturally assumed that meant she was BFFs with the world’s most adorable animals. Yes, only the adorable ones; just like her sugar cookie squad, you have to be cute to get a membership card. (Sorry spiders and that disgusting fish that looks like Ziggy).
But apparently that’s not true! According to BBC News, a bunch of tiny adorable endangered birds in New Zealand almost found themselves homeless this week after Tay Tay decided to film a music video on the beach where they nest. “I can relate” said Ian McKellen. New Zealand conservationists are claiming that birdie homes belonging to the New Zealand dottorel (also known as the New Zealand plover) were at risk of being destroyed after the crew responsible for working on Tay Tay’s new video, Cherokee Films, drove too many trucks onto Bethells Beach during filming. Apparently they had a permit for two, but witnesses claim there were at least a dozen ripping through the tiny bird-sized streets of Plover Place.
ONE News New Zealand got a picture during Taylor’s video shoot, and I don’t see any trucks. Then again, I don’t see any birds, either, so who knows? Maybe the birds and the trucks are having a rumble behind the honey wagon.
— ONE News (@ONENewsNZ) November 23, 2015
Cherokee Films has since released a statement saying that Tay Tay and her management team aren’t at fault for this mess, and had no involvement in planning where on the beach the video would be shot. They also claim they didn’t hurt any birdies or violate any permits.
Even though none of the plover nests got crushed during filming, Cherokee Films announced they were going to make a donation to the dottorel/plover breeding program. Too late, Cherokee Films! I’m sure Tay Tay has already started planning how to “please welcome…” all those birds to the stage to help her drag your ass through song.
“Okay, NOW you can announce it” said Anne Hathaway to her blabbermouth brother.
So apparently Anne Hathaway’s current favorite way to have her eggs prepared is fertilized (I truly deserved every last groan I got for that one). E! says two sources have confirmed that Anne’s husband Adam Shulman put a baby in her, and she’s in her second trimester and “feeling great“. Anne hasn’t said if she’s pregnant, but E! has a couple pictures of her looking swole in the babymaker area while strolling around Beverly Hills last week, so I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.
Other than that she’s “feeling great“, we really don’t know much else about Anne or her baby. But it’s probably safe to assume that Anne’s baby will be born belting out a Broadway showstopper instead of crying, followed by a melodramatic acceptance speech given to the delivery room nurses that it had been practicing every day for 4 weeks in a reflective puddle of amniotic fluid.
Really though, let’s be honest – the only thing we care about is what Anne Hathaway will name her baby. If it’s a boy, I’m going to guess she will pay tribute to the love of her life by naming him Oscar. If it’s a girl, then she’ll name it Oscarina. If she decides to go a little more gender neutral, then I’m thinking Academy or Withanee.
Here’s more of Anne Hathaway looking a little knocked up a few weeks ago at LAX. Today I learned: Anne Hathaway’s “a little knocked up” is my “an hour after a Taco Bell Five Buck Box binge.”
Because I’m a cynic with a heart of cold oatmeal, I figured the lukewarm love between Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk would last as long as it took before Leonardo DiCaprio realized there was a stone left un-turned (aka there was an underwear model out there that he hadn’t boned yet). And since every underwear model’s DNA contains the intrinsic desire to spend a month at sea on Leo’s floating pussy barge, she’d pack up her thinsg (aka a rolling suitcase full of XS thongs) and accept his invitation, leaving Bradley’s assistant in a frantic panic to find him a new model girlfriend. Leo ruins everything!
But apparently I’m way off and we can go ahead and upgrade their relationship from “casual pap walks” to “possible People magazine engagement cover“. According to E!, Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk are super serious about each other. Bradley and Irina started hooking up back in April, and a source says that Brad is ready to try the whole being married thing again. Not RIGHT THIS MINUTE, of course, but later on down the line. The source goes on to say that both Brad and Irina want kids, and that Irina will probably spend Christmas with Bradley and his mama.
And the NY Daily News is saying that Bradley is now living at Irina’s apartment in NYC. Bradley was apparently looking at an $8.9 million apartment in Tribeca a couple months ago, but decided to move his shit into his girlfriend’s place instead. No word on whether or not the fake baby from American Sniper is sitting somewhere on a shelf in the living room with a sticky note on its chest that says “One day we’ll make a REAL one of these“, and creeping Irina out every time she walks past it. But I’m going to assume that, yes, it is.
Here’s Irina Shayk’s maybe-future husband strolling around NYC a few days ago in some tighty track pants, because why not.
This Black Friday fuckery video of a “crazy bitch” (aka an actress from central casting playing the role of a “crazy bitch”) snatching a steamer out of the hands of a “child” (aka a child actor playing the role of a “child carrying a steamer”) really, really hurts me. Isn’t there enough real Black Friday craziness out there? Have we really gotten to the point where we have to stage Black Friday craziness? I swear, Jimmy Kimmel ruins everything – OMG Blog
And here’s a few real and authentic (I think) Black Friday brawl videos to make you proud to be a human – NYDN
I see that Mimi, the Queen of Christmas, wore a very casual ensemble while reigning over the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade yesterday – Lainey Gossip
Teresa Giudice spent Thanksgiving alone in prison for the sake of her daughters. She is so brave… – Reality Tea
The Rock is the best – Celebitchy
And Christina Milian is equal parts weird and thirsty – Drunken Stepfather
Paul Walker’s father is suing Porsche too – HuffPo
Nothing makes a ho throw money at their screen like the words “Adele is going on tour” – Refinery29
Watch your ass Jennifer Aniston, because Chrissy Teigen is coming for your “walking in front of the paps with a bottle of Smart Water” gig – Hollywood Tuna
This puts a dollop of YES on top of my sweet potato pie: Patti LaBelle and the fan who made her Walmart sweet potato pie a hit spent Thanksgiving together – Towleroad
My cold and hungover heart actually started to beat while looking at these pictures of Prince Hot Ginge reuniting with the boy he met during a trip to Africa 11 years ago – Lainey Gossip
Michael Weatherly, that dude who is in NCIS and used to bone Jessica Alba, got busted for DUI – Starpulse
The Kartrashian koven took a fame whore family Instagram picture on Thanksgiving while Rob Kartrashian was in the kitchen sprinkling laxatives all over their plates – Just Jared
Well, now we know one of the reasons why Tom Cruise is always running isn’t that he’s in a rush to see his kid.
The last time we checked the pulse on Tom Cruise’s relationship with the former chosen child of Scientology, Suri Cruise, TMZ was saying that Maverick hadn’t seen his kid in almost a year. However, it looks like Tom Cruise can officially start thinking about submitting a new member application to the Deadbeat Daddy Club, because according to the National Enquirer (via Daily Mail), that number is closer to two years.
A source claims that Tom hasn’t been seen in public with Suri in 800 days (basically two years and two months for brains that are still fucked up from turkey and booze to do the math). The source claims there are two reasons for why Tom is pulling an I Don’t Know Her on Suri. One, because he’s busy running around in front of a camera, and two, because he just doesn’t really care now that Suri is no longer the bathroom-crying Scientology princess she once was. I’m sure Leah Remini just sent Suri a text message that said: “Don’t worry, kid, he pretty much did the same thing to me too.”
Tom Cruise doesn’t exactly love it when people call his ass out for being a shit father, so I’m sure the National Enquirer will receive a very bitchy email from Tom about all this on Monday.
The most obvious reason for why Suri Cruise hasn’t been seen on a Saturday Daddy Date with Tom in 800 days is because she and her mother no longer worship at the feet and busted teeth of L. Ron Hubbard. But maybe Tom has been hanging out with her and we just haven’t noticed? Maybe Tom keeps a pair of regular shoes in his car for when he visits with Suri, and without his signature 3-inch lifts, he’s short enough to pass as just another one of Suri’s friends. That’s actually very clever of you, Tommy Girl.
The international hero who wouldn’t leave a burning German sex shop until he finished getting his while watching Throbbin Hood!
This inspirational story of one man’s will to bust a nut at any cost comes from The Daily Mail, so it is definitely 100% true, because I’m sure their 500-person research department worked 48 hours straight to give us the potent facts! The DM says that when a sex shop in Hamburg’s red-light district caught on fire, firefighters ran in to get everyone out and one horny hero who knows what’s really important refused to leave because he was in the middle of watching Throbbin Hood. Dude basically told the firefighters that they’d have to pry his dick from his crispy, smoke-filled dead body.
Authorities said that they found him in a viewing booth by himself and he was in a “high state of sexual arousal” while watching porn. They eventually dragged his ass out and he was heard bitching about how he paid 7.50 Euros for that fap film and wasn’t done yet. A rep for the fire department released a comment about this mess and they were somehow able to do it while burping out a river of laughs.
“He only came out after our people were battering against the locked cabin door. Once it was open they grabbed him and dragged him to safety. He needed treatment at hospital for smoke inhalation.”
…and I’m sure he needed treatment for blue balls too and that’s a whole lot worse than smoke inhalation. Germany should really give this dude a medal of honor, because he is a real hero who was willing to go down with the
ship fuck shop and burn alive for the sake of shooting a jizz load while watching the end of a cinematic masterpiece. He’s the Captain Edward Smith of fapping.
Pic: The Daily Mail
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You know you want to gobble gobble on her turkey. You bring the gravy.
If you celebrate National Shove Forty Five Pounds Of Food Into Your Face Hole Until Your Ass Explodes Day, then you’ll soon be getting drunk on the sweet nectar while watching Showgirls on your iPhone as your drunk tia keeps interrupting to tell you that you look healthier and more filled out. (“Healthier and more filled out” is aunt-speak for, “Bitch, you got fat.“) So before the festivities start, I just want to say that I’m thankful for the sweet nectar, Showgirls, jellied cranberries, one hitters and you. I am thankful that you’re crazy and masochistic enough to read this site.
And I’m also thankful for Dlisted’s Patron Saint, 99 Cent Store plastic wrap, half-price Thanksgiving decorations at Party City and paps who show up after Phoebe Price calls them for a stunning photo shoot in front of a sheet in her garage. All of those things made this cornucopia of elegance happen. PP looks like a cross between an overcooked slutty turducken and wrapped-up Skanksgiving leftovers. PP really is a master artist who has captured the true spirit of the holiday.