Archives: November 2015

Open Post: Hosted By Benedict Cumberbatch Impersonating Some Otters

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

And just like that, an enthusiastic Cumberbitch/Furry crossover subculture called Cumberbears was born.

During a recent appearance to promote Black Mass on The Graham Norton Show, Benedict Cumberbatch confirmed what the internet has been saying for years: that he looks like a damn otter. To prove that Benedict is just a few DNA chains short of reaching out to his long-lost cousin Emmet and asking if he can join his jug band this Christmas, a couple pictures of otters were thrown up and Benedict did his best impression of them. To be fair, they might not even have been his best impressions; dude looks so much like a water puppy that even his worst impression would have had the audience screaming “OMG TWINS!!!!

But the best part, by far, was Johnny Depp’s reaction. Johnny was looking at Benedict in the same profoundly confused way he looks at a bar of soap or a hat without holes; just a whole lot of “the FUCK is this??” Which is so weird, because if anyone on that couch looks like a dead-ringer for a greasy wet otter, it’s Johnny Depp.

Olivia Culpo Called It Quits With Tim Tebow Because He Wouldn’t Put Out

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Pour out a glass of non-alcoholic sparkling grape juice for Tim Tebow’s favorite hand-holding hand today (it’s totally the left one), as it’s about to be real lonely. According to the NY Daily News, Jesus’ favorite football player is single again after his girlfriend of two months dumped his ass and she’s citing lack of dick as the reason.

The handsome human VeggieTales character got together with the former Miss USA and former Nick Jonas humper Olivia Culpo at the beginning of October. And when I say “got together“, I’m of course referring to everything but their genitals, because Tim Tebow is chaste virgin type who is saving himself for marriage. And it seemed like everything was good; one of Olivia’s friends claim that Tim was really into her and was sending her “love letters and cute notes“. But she decided to end it because no matter how many love letters he was throwing at her, she just couldn’t deal with the cobwebs collecting on her crotch.

Okay, I’m totally on Team Olivia here, because I too would have a hard time dealing with an endless string of Netflix and Chill nights that involved actually watching Netflix. But I have questions. Unless Olivia doesn’t own a computer that has access to Tim Tebow’s Wikipedia page, she should have known going into it that Tim Tebow is a hardcore Christian who is saving his fuck parts for his future wife. Or maybe she did know that, but she was so desperate for Tebowners that she paid a wizard to bless her with a magic coochie that could hypnotize Tim’s wiener and change his mind about premarital sex. If it’s the second option, then I suggest she might want to find that wizard and get her money back, because it clearly didn’t work.


This Is What Princess Charlotte Looks Like Now

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

I know! I can’t believe it either! Okay, enough small talk, dog – go fetch me my 17th century ruby teething ring before I have you sent to the gallows.

The last time we saw Prince George’s little sister, she was a tiny bundle of bald Royal babyness all wrapped up in a fancy-ass lace gown for her christening, and she really didn’t look like much besides a random baby. You could have told me her parents were a corgi and a scone and I’d be like “Sure, I guess I see it.

That was almost five months ago, and since then, Princess Charlotte has morphed out of her generic baby phase and into her “That’s definitely Prince George’s sister” phase. Kensington Palace tweeted two adorable pictures earlier today of Baby Princess Charlotte that were taken by the unofficial Royal baby photographer, Duchess Kate, at the beginning of November. And, yeah, she’s starting to look like a little person. I’m getting 40% Prince William, 42% Duchess Kate, and 18% Bradford Exchange porcelain doll from my friend’s mom’s bedroom that you were NOT allowed to touch, no matter what, because it was very expensive and cost 4 payments of $39.99.


All of which adds up to a look that says “100% totally unimpressed with the shit my brother is pulling while mommy takes my picture.” Either Princess Charlotte perfect “judging you” face is the result of watching her brother use her favorite Sophie to scratch a clump of corgi poop off his shoe and knowing she can’t say shit because she doesn’t know words yet, or she just watched a hungover Unky Prince Harry use a Victorian urn as a barf bucket. Again.

Pics: Kensington Palace

Sinead O’Connor Has Been Found Safe After Leaving A Possible Suicide Note On Facebook

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Well this is a whole lot of messy sadness for a Sunday. Earlier today, Sinead O’Connor had people thinking the worst after she posted what appeared to be a suicide note to her Facebook page. According to Sinead’s note, which is very long and obviously a huge bummer to read, Sinead had checked into a hotel somewhere in Ireland under an assumed name and had “taken an overdose.

As for the why, Sinead pointed at her husband, Barry Herridge (who she is apparently still married to), her kids, as well as her son’s girlfriend and his friends, and accused them of betraying her after she had a hysterectomy on August 26. She also claims they’re guilty of “appalling cruelty” and trying to keep her babies from her.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time Sinead has swatted at her family on Facebook. Yesterday, Sinead accused her son and her son’s fathers of keeping her sons from her and saying she was an unfit mother in a really, really long open letter. Just like it’s not the first time she’s talked about ending it all on Facebook either; a little over a week ago, Sinead used Facebook to let everyone know she had been admitted to the hospital and had been put on suicide watch.

Shortly after her note was posted, people started looking for Sinead, and she was found her before anything really bad could happen. TMZ says police have confirmed that she was found somewhere in Dublin “safe and sound“, and that she’s currently getting medical attention. Hopefully part of that medical attention involves a good hug, because it sounds like she could use it.

Pic: Splash


Mary-Kate Olsen Might Have Gotten Married On Friday

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m saying “might have“, because we have yet to receive a press release (ie. a bundle of Blair Witch-style sticks with the words JUST MARRIED written across it in black paint and hand-delivered by The Babadook) from tiny pocket witch Mary-Kate Olsen about this whole wedding situation. But Page Six is saying that yes, one half of Michelle Tanner got married on Friday night to her French banker boyfriend of three years, Olivier Sarkozy.

A source says that 29-year-old Mary-Kate made it legal with Nicolas Sarkozy’s 46-year-old half-brother in front of 50 guests on Friday night at a private residence in Manhattan. Guests were told to hand over their cellphones, so no one has any picture evidence of Mary-Kate’s special day. But don’t worry, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before pictures of her fancy rich witch wedding end up in the pages of Vogue or Creepy Haunted Victorian Doll Weekly (probably the first one, definitely the second one).

This isn’t the first time Mary-Kate might have gotten married to her French banker boyfriend. Last year, there were whispers going around that the she had gotten secret married to Olivier. So this could be another false alarm. I guess we’ll only know for sure once we receive confirmation that Uncle Jesse definitely wasn’t invited.

Out of all the things we don’t know about Mary-Kate’s maybe-wedding, we do know this: apparently the theme of the reception was cigarettes. A source claims they were treated to “bowls and bowls filled with cigarettes, and everyone smoked the whole night.” Cigarettes! All the cigarettes. I’m sure Mary-Kate also walked down the aisle carrying a bouquet of American Spirits instead of flowers, exchanged lighters instead of rings, and dug into a giant wedding cake made out of packs of gum. And yes, I totally just pictured Mary-Kate calling up her wedding planner like: “Instead of doves, can we release some crows at the end of the ceremony? And can they be carrying cigarettes in their mouths? No? Forget it then.

Pic: Splash

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Wa Wa Nee!

If you’ve always got dick on the brain like me, you’re probably staring at the hot blondie’s crotch and wondering if that’s a peen print or if his Magic Eye pants are playing tricks on you and you’re seeing a snake delicately drinking water from a pond. But anyway, “Wa Wa Nee” isn’t only something Barbra Walters says while talking in third-person as she dirty talks with her man (example: “WaWa nee you right now, baby.“) Wa Wa Nee is also the name of an Australian band from the 80s! But I’m sure you already figured that out by their stunning “just got butt fucked by a live wire” hair.

Wa Wa Nee got a record deal in 1985 and had several hits in Australia through the 80s. Wikipedia says that they still tour in Australia and last year, they opened up for Rick Astley. They weren’t as big in America as they were in other places, but they did bust out their only hit US single “Sugar Free” on the Arsenio Hall Show in 1987….

So at least for a quick minute, Americans got to feel their parts pucker as Wa Wa Nee’s lead singer Paul Gray served it up like a white James Brown.

(For Abbie)


Birthday Sluts

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Jackie Stallone (94)
Diego Boneta (25)
Lucas Black (33)
Simon Amstell (36)
The Game (36)
Lauren German (37)
Anna Faris (39)
Gena Lee Nolin (44)
Jennifer Elise Cox (46)
Jonathan Knight (47)
Howard K. Stern (47)
Ellen Cleghorne (50)
Don Cheadle (51)
Andrew McCarthy (53)
Kim Delaney (54)
Tom Sizemore (54)
Cathy Moriarty (55)
Rahm Emanuel (56)
Michael Dempsey (57)
Howie Mandel (60)
Joel Coen (61)
Jeff Fahey (63)
Garry Shandling (66)
Diane Ladd (80)

Pic: Pinterest


Open Post: Hosted By Jennifer Lawrence Casually Flipping Off The Paps

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s…it’s beautiful” whispered reigning pap-flipping queen Kristen Stewart, as she wiped away a single tear with her middle finger.

While leaving her apartment with her dog friend Pippi the other day, Jennifer Lawrence reminded us that she’s still America’s cool no-fucks-given older cousin by greeting the photographers waiting outside with a subtle “fuck you“. Ah, the sneaky holding-a-latte middle finger; truly one of the more sophisticated of bird flips.

I don’t know why JLaw’s exit required a middle finger, but I will say this: if she was pissed off about the paps waiting outside for her, she could have easily distracted them by letting her dog walk out first. That adorable old man-faced dog would have stolen every last ounce of spotlight from JLaw, thus letting her slip past everyone unnoticed. Hell, she could have waltzed out the front door in full Katniss drag holding her Oscar in one hand and a piece of pizza in the other, and all the paps would be like “Out of the way, you’re blocking the dog!” Always let Pippi walk first, and you’ll never have to worry about people taking your picture ever again!

Pics: Splash

Gwen Stefani And Blake Shelton Took Their FaceTime Game To Disneyland

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Honey, go stand in front of a window with better light. The paps…I mean, I’m having a hard time seeing your face.

Last week, thirst’s current poster girl Gwen Stefani was “caught” (aka she made sure the paps her assistant called had an unobstructed view of her iPhone screen for as long as it took for them to get a decent shot) in the middle of a FaceTime chat with her new boyfriend Blake Shelton. Well, Gwen is still clearly very dehydrated, because she did it again during a trip to Disneyland yesterday.

Gwen was once again “caught” having a totally natural and completely spontaneous FaceTime moment with Blake Shelton while strolling from Toontown to the Small World ride with her kids. TMZ has a crystal-clear picture of Gwen FaceTiming with Blake, because those two are subtle like that. Then when the battery died on Gwen’s phone, she swung by Snow White’s castle and tried to FaceTime him on the Queen’s Magic Mirror, but Mickey was like “Girl, no” and asked her to leave. Okay, that last part didn’t happen, but only because Gwen’s assistant always makes sure her phone battery is charged to 100% before any kind of PR stunt.

I have no idea what those two talked about during their call. The obvious answer is that they said nothing and just looked at each other until enough people noticed that two of the judges from The Voice were FaceTiming each other. But I like to think Blake was like “Excuse me? You went to Disneyland and didn’t invite me? The AUDACITY! Ugh, I guess you could try to make it up to me by bringing me home a churro and a Dole Whip.

Here’s more of Gwen and Blake working hard for those future UsWeekly covers while at Disneyland yesterday.

Pics: Splash,

Our New Chosen One Has Arrived!

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Go ahead and flip to December 25th on your calendars and scratch out the words “Christmas Day, ” because our new savior has been born. November 28th is our new Christmas! People says that today, CoCo, our modern day Virgin Mary and the reigning Empress of the Camel Toes, gave birth to our new messiah. CoCo and Ice-T are now parents to a baby girl. Praise our new elegant messiah!

36-year-old CoCo and 57-year-old Ice-T announced a while ago that they were giving their first child together a name as elegant as them.

The couple welcomed their first child together, daughter Chanel Nicole, on Saturday, Nov. 28, their rep confirms to PEOPLE. Born at 11:47 a.m. in Englewood, New Jersey, the baby girl weighed in at 5 lbs., 7 oz.

Baby Chanel is the couple’s first child together and the third for Ice-T, 57, who is already father to adult children Tracy and Letesha from previous relationships.

“5lbs, 7 oz” must be a typo. I mean, that gorgeous portrait of CoCo in demure maternity wear was taken during her 36th week. I know, I’m zero weeks knocked up and after the eating holiday I’ve had, I look 36 weeks pregnant more than her ass does. So, I’m guessing that she gave birth to a tiny jewel of a baby who’s about the size of her French tip and weighs less than a swan’s breath.

CoCo also tweeted a picture of the luckiest baby in the world.

Chanel Nicole is definitely saying to herself, “Oh my GOD, I can’t believe how GORGEOUS my mother is!’ Congratulations to Chanel Nicole for getting to have CoCo as a mother! And congratulations to us all, because CoCo and Ice-T will definitely teach Chanel Nicole how to be as elegant as them and this world definitely needs more elegance in it.

Pic: Instagram

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