This Black Friday fuckery video of a “crazy bitch” (aka an actress from central casting playing the role of a “crazy bitch”) snatching a steamer out of the hands of a “child” (aka a child actor playing the role of a “child carrying a steamer”) really, really hurts me. Isn’t there enough real Black Friday craziness out there? Have we really gotten to the point where we have to stage Black Friday craziness? I swear, Jimmy Kimmel ruins everything – OMG Blog
And here’s a few real and authentic (I think) Black Friday brawl videos to make you proud to be a human – NYDN
I see that Mimi, the Queen of Christmas, wore a very casual ensemble while reigning over the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade yesterday – Lainey Gossip
Teresa Giudice spent Thanksgiving alone in prison for the sake of her daughters. She is so brave… – Reality Tea
The Rock is the best – Celebitchy
And Christina Milian is equal parts weird and thirsty – Drunken Stepfather
Paul Walker’s father is suing Porsche too – HuffPo
Nothing makes a ho throw money at their screen like the words “Adele is going on tour” – Refinery29
Watch your ass Jennifer Aniston, because Chrissy Teigen is coming for your “walking in front of the paps with a bottle of Smart Water” gig – Hollywood Tuna
This puts a dollop of YES on top of my sweet potato pie: Patti LaBelle and the fan who made her Walmart sweet potato pie a hit spent Thanksgiving together – Towleroad
My cold and hungover heart actually started to beat while looking at these pictures of Prince Hot Ginge reuniting with the boy he met during a trip to Africa 11 years ago – Lainey Gossip
Michael Weatherly, that dude who is in NCIS and used to bone Jessica Alba, got busted for DUI – Starpulse
The Kartrashian koven took a fame whore family Instagram picture on Thanksgiving while Rob Kartrashian was in the kitchen sprinkling laxatives all over their plates – Just Jared
Well, now we know one of the reasons why Tom Cruise is always running isn’t that he’s in a rush to see his kid.
The last time we checked the pulse on Tom Cruise’s relationship with the former chosen child of Scientology, Suri Cruise, TMZ was saying that Maverick hadn’t seen his kid in almost a year. However, it looks like Tom Cruise can officially start thinking about submitting a new member application to the Deadbeat Daddy Club, because according to the National Enquirer (via Daily Mail), that number is closer to two years.
A source claims that Tom hasn’t been seen in public with Suri in 800 days (basically two years and two months for brains that are still fucked up from turkey and booze to do the math). The source claims there are two reasons for why Tom is pulling an I Don’t Know Her on Suri. One, because he’s busy running around in front of a camera, and two, because he just doesn’t really care now that Suri is no longer the bathroom-crying Scientology princess she once was. I’m sure Leah Remini just sent Suri a text message that said: “Don’t worry, kid, he pretty much did the same thing to me too.”
Tom Cruise doesn’t exactly love it when people call his ass out for being a shit father, so I’m sure the National Enquirer will receive a very bitchy email from Tom about all this on Monday.
The most obvious reason for why Suri Cruise hasn’t been seen on a Saturday Daddy Date with Tom in 800 days is because she and her mother no longer worship at the feet and busted teeth of L. Ron Hubbard. But maybe Tom has been hanging out with her and we just haven’t noticed? Maybe Tom keeps a pair of regular shoes in his car for when he visits with Suri, and without his signature 3-inch lifts, he’s short enough to pass as just another one of Suri’s friends. That’s actually very clever of you, Tommy Girl.
The international hero who wouldn’t leave a burning German sex shop until he finished getting his while watching Throbbin Hood!
This inspirational story of one man’s will to bust a nut at any cost comes from The Daily Mail, so it is definitely 100% true, because I’m sure their 500-person research department worked 48 hours straight to give us the potent facts! The DM says that when a sex shop in Hamburg’s red-light district caught on fire, firefighters ran in to get everyone out and one horny hero who knows what’s really important refused to leave because he was in the middle of watching Throbbin Hood. Dude basically told the firefighters that they’d have to pry his dick from his crispy, smoke-filled dead body.
Authorities said that they found him in a viewing booth by himself and he was in a “high state of sexual arousal” while watching porn. They eventually dragged his ass out and he was heard bitching about how he paid 7.50 Euros for that fap film and wasn’t done yet. A rep for the fire department released a comment about this mess and they were somehow able to do it while burping out a river of laughs.
“He only came out after our people were battering against the locked cabin door. Once it was open they grabbed him and dragged him to safety. He needed treatment at hospital for smoke inhalation.”
…and I’m sure he needed treatment for blue balls too and that’s a whole lot worse than smoke inhalation. Germany should really give this dude a medal of honor, because he is a real hero who was willing to go down with the
ship fuck shop and burn alive for the sake of shooting a jizz load while watching the end of a cinematic masterpiece. He’s the Captain Edward Smith of fapping.
Pic: The Daily Mail
Bill Nye (60)
Aubrey Peeples (22)
Alison Pill (30)
Jaleel White (39)
Shaunie O’neal (41)
Sharlto Copley (42)
Samantha Harris (42)
Brooke Langton (45)
Myles Kennedy (46)
Michael Vartan (47)
Robin Givens (51)
Fisher Stevens (52)
Victoria Gotti (53)
Samantha Bond (54)
Caroline Kennedy (58)
William Fichtner (59)
Curtis Armstrong (62)
Kathryn Bigelow (64)
You know you want to gobble gobble on her turkey. You bring the gravy.
If you celebrate National Shove Forty Five Pounds Of Food Into Your Face Hole Until Your Ass Explodes Day, then you’ll soon be getting drunk on the sweet nectar while watching Showgirls on your iPhone as your drunk tia keeps interrupting to tell you that you look healthier and more filled out. (“Healthier and more filled out” is aunt-speak for, “Bitch, you got fat.“) So before the festivities start, I just want to say that I’m thankful for the sweet nectar, Showgirls, jellied cranberries, one hitters and you. I am thankful that you’re crazy and masochistic enough to read this site.
And I’m also thankful for Dlisted’s Patron Saint, 99 Cent Store plastic wrap, half-price Thanksgiving decorations at Party City and paps who show up after Phoebe Price calls them for a stunning photo shoot in front of a sheet in her garage. All of those things made this cornucopia of elegance happen. PP looks like a cross between an overcooked slutty turducken and wrapped-up Skanksgiving leftovers. PP really is a master artist who has captured the true spirit of the holiday.
The Tissue Paper Turkey!
I asked my friend Lahoma, who barfs up his brilliance on this site every now and again, for his suggestions for a Thanksgiving Day Hot Slut of the Day. Lahoma showed me a picture of the tissue paper turkey and we both went all the way back to the 80s when this shit was in nearly every elementary school classroom. After he brought the tissue paper turkey back into my life, I went to Target for the usual (pork rinds, candles, wine and lube) and looked for one, because I wanted to put one on my eating table for Thanksgiving. They didn’t have not a one! Can you believe that? Target is anti-Thanksgiving and anti-American, obviously.
The tissue paper turkey was (and is) a stunning and exquisite Thanksgiving decoration that adds several touches of beauty and ~whimsy~ to any room. These were and are absolutely gold-plated HIGH ART. The tissue paper turkey isn’t only a thing of holiday exquisiteness, it can also be sliced up and served to your vegetarian guests. I mean, I’m 100% sure it takes better than that Tofurky nastiness.
Tina Turner (76)
Rita Ora (25)
Kat DeLuna (28)
Trevor Morgan (29)
Lil’ Fizz (30)
Natasha Bedingfield (34)
DJ Khaled (40)
Tammy Lynn Michaels (41)
Peter Facinelli (42)
Kristin Bauer van Straten (49)
Garcelle Beauvais (49)
Scott Adsit (50)
Adriana De Moura of Real Housewives of Miami (50)
Lisa Moretti (54)
Ilona Staller (64)
John McVie (70)
Jean Terrell of The Supremes (71)
Rich Little (77)
Tom Cruise may star in a reboot of The Mummy. No, he’s not playing the title role. I checked. If he does it, that movie is going to be about 5 minutes long, because the mummy army will turn to dust as soon as he starts bitching about how his assistant doesn’t know how to handle cookie dough right – Lainey Gossip
Pauly D and Aubrey O’Day are doing it full-time, because true love is real and because they probably think they can get a reality show out of it – Reality Tea
My high school guidance counselor really should’ve told me to be a dog acupuncturist to the stars since that’s where the cash is at – Celebitchy
And here’s JLo in Marie Claire wearing the most clothes I’ve seen her wear in a while – Drunken Stepfather
In other words, they really turned up Tracy Morgan’s morphine drip in the hospital – The Superficial
Adriana Lima’s nipples: here they are – The Nip Slip
Michael B. Jordan is lubed up and ready to go in Men’s Fitness – Towleroad
The human in Chrissy Teigen’s stomach is growing… Although, it may have relocated to her top knot – Popoholic
Bella Thorne’s maybe arch rival is in Jalouse Magazine – Hollywood Tuna
The dude who did the voice of Arnold in Hey Arnold! sort of looks like a Bushwick Jimmy Kimmel – The Berry
Will Smith wants to run for office. I am only okay with this if Jaden Smith writes all of his campaign speeches – Jezebel
I see that Pimp Mama Kris is giving Josh Duggar money tips – IDLYITW
Frank Gifford suffered from a concussion-related brain disease – Just Jared
The little girl who has been part of Chris Rock’s family for years is in the US on a visitor visa – Wetpaint
What in workout wear by Hefty HELL is Gwen Stefani wearing? – Popsugar
Joe Jonas and Roseanne: My new favorite it couple – SOW
Rachel McAdams, who? Mimi channeled her inner Regina George for her Emmy-worthy Christmas movie – Lainey Gossip
In Greek mythology there’s a story about how Artemis, the goddess of wild animals, protested against wool by sticking her silicone bag chichis out while dressed up like a day-shift hooker Little Bo Beep. So when I saw these pictures of Courtney Stodden doing just that on Hollywood Blvd. yesterday, I knew that she is the Artemis of our time!
Seen above looking like she’s trying to piss but is too fucked up on Xanax to make a tinkle, the Porn Iguana protested for PETA by posing in front of the paps while wearing a Little Ho Peep costume. Courtney said at the photo-op that everyone needs to stop buying wool, because many sheep are abused during shearling.
“Every wool sweater or scarf means a lifetime of suffering for a beautiful, gentle sheep. My friends at PETA and I urge everyone to leave wool on the rack this winter!”
I feel like the Porn Iguana has worn wool before… If she has, I’m sure it’s because a sheep shaved the wool off of its own body and gave it to her. It wanted its wool to touch the body of a saint and natural goddess!