Archives: November 2015

Mary-Kate Olsen Might Have Gotten Married On Friday

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m saying “might have“, because we have yet to receive a press release (ie. a bundle of Blair Witch-style sticks with the words JUST MARRIED written across it in black paint and hand-delivered by The Babadook) from tiny pocket witch Mary-Kate Olsen about this whole wedding situation. But Page Six is saying that yes, one half of Michelle Tanner got married on Friday night to her French banker boyfriend of three years, Olivier Sarkozy.

A source says that 29-year-old Mary-Kate made it legal with Nicolas Sarkozy’s 46-year-old half-brother in front of 50 guests on Friday night at a private residence in Manhattan. Guests were told to hand over their cellphones, so no one has any picture evidence of Mary-Kate’s special day. But don’t worry, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before pictures of her fancy rich witch wedding end up in the pages of Vogue or Creepy Haunted Victorian Doll Weekly (probably the first one, definitely the second one).

This isn’t the first time Mary-Kate might have gotten married to her French banker boyfriend. Last year, there were whispers going around that the she had gotten secret married to Olivier. So this could be another false alarm. I guess we’ll only know for sure once we receive confirmation that Uncle Jesse definitely wasn’t invited.

Out of all the things we don’t know about Mary-Kate’s maybe-wedding, we do know this: apparently the theme of the reception was cigarettes. A source claims they were treated to “bowls and bowls filled with cigarettes, and everyone smoked the whole night.” Cigarettes! All the cigarettes. I’m sure Mary-Kate also walked down the aisle carrying a bouquet of American Spirits instead of flowers, exchanged lighters instead of rings, and dug into a giant wedding cake made out of packs of gum. And yes, I totally just pictured Mary-Kate calling up her wedding planner like: “Instead of doves, can we release some crows at the end of the ceremony? And can they be carrying cigarettes in their mouths? No? Forget it then.

Pic: Splash

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Wa Wa Nee!

If you’ve always got dick on the brain like me, you’re probably staring at the hot blondie’s crotch and wondering if that’s a peen print or if his Magic Eye pants are playing tricks on you and you’re seeing a snake delicately drinking water from a pond. But anyway, “Wa Wa Nee” isn’t only something Barbra Walters says while talking in third-person as she dirty talks with her man (example: “WaWa nee you right now, baby.“) Wa Wa Nee is also the name of an Australian band from the 80s! But I’m sure you already figured that out by their stunning “just got butt fucked by a live wire” hair.

Wa Wa Nee got a record deal in 1985 and had several hits in Australia through the 80s. Wikipedia says that they still tour in Australia and last year, they opened up for Rick Astley. They weren’t as big in America as they were in other places, but they did bust out their only hit US single “Sugar Free” on the Arsenio Hall Show in 1987….

So at least for a quick minute, Americans got to feel their parts pucker as Wa Wa Nee’s lead singer Paul Gray served it up like a white James Brown.

(For Abbie)


Birthday Sluts

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Jackie Stallone (94)
Diego Boneta (25)
Lucas Black (33)
Simon Amstell (36)
The Game (36)
Lauren German (37)
Anna Faris (39)
Gena Lee Nolin (44)
Jennifer Elise Cox (46)
Jonathan Knight (47)
Howard K. Stern (47)
Ellen Cleghorne (50)
Don Cheadle (51)
Andrew McCarthy (53)
Kim Delaney (54)
Tom Sizemore (54)
Cathy Moriarty (55)
Rahm Emanuel (56)
Michael Dempsey (57)
Howie Mandel (60)
Joel Coen (61)
Jeff Fahey (63)
Garry Shandling (66)
Diane Ladd (80)

Pic: Pinterest


Open Post: Hosted By Jennifer Lawrence Casually Flipping Off The Paps

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s…it’s beautiful” whispered reigning pap-flipping queen Kristen Stewart, as she wiped away a single tear with her middle finger.

While leaving her apartment with her dog friend Pippi the other day, Jennifer Lawrence reminded us that she’s still America’s cool no-fucks-given older cousin by greeting the photographers waiting outside with a subtle “fuck you“. Ah, the sneaky holding-a-latte middle finger; truly one of the more sophisticated of bird flips.

I don’t know why JLaw’s exit required a middle finger, but I will say this: if she was pissed off about the paps waiting outside for her, she could have easily distracted them by letting her dog walk out first. That adorable old man-faced dog would have stolen every last ounce of spotlight from JLaw, thus letting her slip past everyone unnoticed. Hell, she could have waltzed out the front door in full Katniss drag holding her Oscar in one hand and a piece of pizza in the other, and all the paps would be like “Out of the way, you’re blocking the dog!” Always let Pippi walk first, and you’ll never have to worry about people taking your picture ever again!

Pics: Splash

Gwen Stefani And Blake Shelton Took Their FaceTime Game To Disneyland

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Honey, go stand in front of a window with better light. The paps…I mean, I’m having a hard time seeing your face.

Last week, thirst’s current poster girl Gwen Stefani was “caught” (aka she made sure the paps her assistant called had an unobstructed view of her iPhone screen for as long as it took for them to get a decent shot) in the middle of a FaceTime chat with her new boyfriend Blake Shelton. Well, Gwen is still clearly very dehydrated, because she did it again during a trip to Disneyland yesterday.

Gwen was once again “caught” having a totally natural and completely spontaneous FaceTime moment with Blake Shelton while strolling from Toontown to the Small World ride with her kids. TMZ has a crystal-clear picture of Gwen FaceTiming with Blake, because those two are subtle like that. Then when the battery died on Gwen’s phone, she swung by Snow White’s castle and tried to FaceTime him on the Queen’s Magic Mirror, but Mickey was like “Girl, no” and asked her to leave. Okay, that last part didn’t happen, but only because Gwen’s assistant always makes sure her phone battery is charged to 100% before any kind of PR stunt.

I have no idea what those two talked about during their call. The obvious answer is that they said nothing and just looked at each other until enough people noticed that two of the judges from The Voice were FaceTiming each other. But I like to think Blake was like “Excuse me? You went to Disneyland and didn’t invite me? The AUDACITY! Ugh, I guess you could try to make it up to me by bringing me home a churro and a Dole Whip.

Here’s more of Gwen and Blake working hard for those future UsWeekly covers while at Disneyland yesterday.

Pics: Splash,

Our New Chosen One Has Arrived!

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Go ahead and flip to December 25th on your calendars and scratch out the words “Christmas Day, ” because our new savior has been born. November 28th is our new Christmas! People says that today, CoCo, our modern day Virgin Mary and the reigning Empress of the Camel Toes, gave birth to our new messiah. CoCo and Ice-T are now parents to a baby girl. Praise our new elegant messiah!

36-year-old CoCo and 57-year-old Ice-T announced a while ago that they were giving their first child together a name as elegant as them.

The couple welcomed their first child together, daughter Chanel Nicole, on Saturday, Nov. 28, their rep confirms to PEOPLE. Born at 11:47 a.m. in Englewood, New Jersey, the baby girl weighed in at 5 lbs., 7 oz.

Baby Chanel is the couple’s first child together and the third for Ice-T, 57, who is already father to adult children Tracy and Letesha from previous relationships.

“5lbs, 7 oz” must be a typo. I mean, that gorgeous portrait of CoCo in demure maternity wear was taken during her 36th week. I know, I’m zero weeks knocked up and after the eating holiday I’ve had, I look 36 weeks pregnant more than her ass does. So, I’m guessing that she gave birth to a tiny jewel of a baby who’s about the size of her French tip and weighs less than a swan’s breath.

CoCo also tweeted a picture of the luckiest baby in the world.

Chanel Nicole is definitely saying to herself, “Oh my GOD, I can’t believe how GORGEOUS my mother is!’ Congratulations to Chanel Nicole for getting to have CoCo as a mother! And congratulations to us all, because CoCo and Ice-T will definitely teach Chanel Nicole how to be as elegant as them and this world definitely needs more elegance in it.

Pic: Instagram

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50 Cent Is Bragging About Being Rich On Instagram Again

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

The last time we checked in on 50 Cent’s money situation, a judge was calling bullshit on his allegedly broke ass by ordering him to whip out his checkbook and hand over $7 million to the woman whose sex tape he posted online without her consent. Then 50’s lawyer sort of shrugged and was like “Well, he declared he’s bankrupt, so…good luck with that.” Even 50 kept the charade going by pretending to be poor on social media.

Unfortunately, it looks like redirecting the entirety of his mental capacity from pretending to be poor to dragging Vivica Fox might have hit the reset button on his brain, because yesterday he threw up a picture and a video of the inside of his fridge filled with stacks of money to Instagram. Which, you know, is always a good move when you’re trying to convince people that you’re bankrupt.

A video posted by 50 Cent (@50cent) on

50 Cent is shady as hell, so who knows if that’s even his money. Or his fridge, for that matter! I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time 50 Cent took us on a home tour and passed other people’s shit off as his own.

I know I’m supposed to be focusing on the bonkers fact that 50 Cent stores wads of cash in his fridge, but I’ll be totally honest: I’m having a hard time concentrating on the money because I keep getting distracted by those Kraft Singles. If 50 was really as rich as he wants us to believe, that fridge would be filled with packages of Kraft Deli Deluxe. Nothing says “I’m truly rich, bitch” like the ~fanciest~ of processed cheese slices.

Pic: Instagram


Kate Beckinsale And Ben Affleck’s Friends Think They Should Start Boning Again

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Back in 2001, there were whispers that Ben Affleck was rubbing his gambling bits against his Pearl Harbor co-star Kate Beckinsale, who had just called it quits with her long-term piece Michael Sheen. Ben and Kate never confirmed they were fucking, and it didn’t last very long, on account of Ben getting with Jennifer Lopez and Kate hooking up with her future ex-husband Len Wiseman on the set of Underworld.

However, there are some people who still really, really want to see Ben and Kate together again, and those people are Ben and Kate’s busybody friends. And according to The Sun (via Daily Mail), there’s a chance that shit might happen. The Sun says that Kate started talking to her former fuck buddy shortly after her 11-year marriage bit the dust a couple months ago. Right now, recently-single Kate is reaching out to less-recently-single Ben for “support“, but their friends are hoping she starts reaching for his crotch.

“Kate used to be madly in love with Ben. He would make her giddy with excitement any time they were in the same room. Some of their friends have suggested that they’re made for each other and should give a proper relationship a go.”

Another source tells the Daily Mail that Kate probably shouldn’t put her pussy on hold for Ben, because he’s busy with work and being a dad to his three kids.

We’ve already gotten a “JLo still has the hots for Ben” story, and now we’ve got a “Kate Beckinsale still has the hots for Ben” story, which means it’s really only a matter of time before we get a “Gwyneth Paltrow still has the hots for Ben” story. I can practically picture it now: “A source claims Goopy has replaced her $950 cooze wipes with an organic bidet spray made from playing cards, dirty carpet, and booze to mimic the scent of a casino in an attempt to lure Ben back.


Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Tommy Puett, the panty creamer of the early 90s from Life Goes On!

I know that the sight of that mullet of perfection and those man nipples probably made your crotch howl into the sky and foam at the mouth. It’s understandable, because Tommy Puett was the epitome of an adonis. Tommy Puett played the boyfriend of Becca (played by Kellie Martin) on Life Goes On from the first season until 1991 when his character, Tyler, (SPOILER ALERT) died in a car crash to give more screen time to her new love interest played by Chad Lowe.

Tyler was also one of Corky’s best friends. Corky was in the passenger seat when Tyler was sent to the unemployment line. Even back then I knew that Tyler was a hot piece. I mean, dude had a mullet you just wanted to grab onto while riding him as you screamed, “yippee-ki-yi-yay,” and he wore a sleeveless shirt like he was born to wear a sleeveless shirt. He looked like Billy Ray Cyrus in a Billy Ray Cyrus gay porn parody called Achy Breaky B-Hole.

During Life Goes On, Tommy had a moment where he was pin-up for Bop and Tiger Beat magazines. After Life Goes On, he did guest appearances on a few more TV shows before retiring from acting in 1997. He’s an entrepreneur now and surprisingly, he doesn’t make millions from letting people stroke his luscious mullet for a fee. Tommy Puett makes tiny bill caps and other sports stuff. He doesn’t have a mullet anymore. I’m sure the party part of his gorgeous mullet was carefully removed from his head and placed in a prime spot at the Smithsonian.

Tommy’s sister is Devyn Puett who was on Kids Incorporated for 2 seasons. Devyn also sang back-up on Martika’s legendary opus “Toy Soldiers.” She was just as important to pop culture as her brother was. So yeah, we will all die wondering, “Why didn’t the Puetts become the royal family of Hollywood?”


Birthday Sluts

November 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Bryshere Gray aka Hakeem from Empire (22)
Scarlett Pomers (27)
Karen Gillan (28)
Alan Ritchson (31)
Trey Songz (31)
Mary Elizabeth Winstead (31)
Sharon Needles (34)
Chamillionaire (36)
Daniel Henney (36)
Aimee Garcia (37)
Ryan Kwanten (39)
Sunny Mabrey (40)
Jon Stewart (53)
Jane Sibbett (53)
Alfonso Cuaron (54)
John Galliano (55)
Judd Nelson (56)
S. Epatha Merkerson (63)
Ed Harris (65)
Paul Schaffer (66)
Randy Newman (72)
Berry Gordy Jr. (86)

Pic: Baller Alert


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