Archives: November 2015

Open Post: Hosted By Whatever The Hell Is Going On Here

November 30, 2015 / Posted by:

I read Buzzfeed’s post about this Wentworth dude and I still don’t know who he is. But that doesn’t matter at all, because the only thing any of us need to know about him is that he is a fabulous bearded swan of an adonis who knows how to bring the drama on a budget.

Wentworth (real name: Charles Corby) is apparently a singer/songwriter type and he pretty much anointed himself the Lord Gaga of Australia when he made a grand entrance at the ARIA Awards in Sydney last week. Wentworth arrived on the red carpet in some kind of sparkly cocoon that looks like gay endive leaves and when three oiled-up go-go dancers pulled it open, he sashayed out looking like a fabulous broken egg shell. When you make a grand entrance, it usually helps when people know who you actually are, but I’ll let it slide in this case, because Wentworth did it right.

Only someone who has their PhD in HIGH ART has the knowledge to correctly interpret Wentoworth’s red carpet performance art piece, but if I had to guess, I’d say that those wonky angel wing things represent the cocoon that society has placed him in and he represents a butterfly swan baby who is busting out into the world. Or bitch just wanted as much attention as possible and knew this is how to get it. It’s like a scene straight out of a community theater production of the Birth of Venus in gay heaven.

On a serious note, Wentworth should expect to get a copyright infringement letter from Scientology’s lawyers, because this is exactly what a regular Scientology baptism looks like.

Pics: Getty


Amy Schumer Went Topless For The Pirelli Calendar

November 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Every year, the fancy Pirelli calendar is usually filled with naked models being artsy and naked. But this year, Pirelli changed shit up and replaced model nipples with pictures of women who are mostly known for their brains and skills and shit. There’s not much nudity in it and most of the women are fully clothed. First Playboy announces that they are de-Playboy-ing themselves by not showing Photoshopped naked chicks anymore and now Pirelli has also decided to not show lady nipples? Why won’t anyone think of the straight male boners!?! What are straight dudes supposed to jack off to now? Where are straight dudes supposed to get their fapping material? Oh yeah, I guess there is that thing called “the Internet.

Harper’s Bazaar says that Pirelli hired Annie Leibovitz to shoot artsy black and white pictures of Patti Smith, blogger/actress Tavi Gevinson, director Ava Duvernay, actress Yao Chen, man shorts hater Fran Lebowitz, Serena Williams, Yoko Ono, movie producer Kathleen Kennedy, philanthropist Agnes Gund, businesswoman Mellody Hobson, artist Shirin Neshat, model Natalia Vodianova and Amy Schumer. Only a few of the pictures have been released so far, but it looks like Serena and Amy are the only ones who posed without a top on.

In Amy’s HBO special, she jokes a lot about how she’s the “fat comedian” and how she’s constantly shoveling everything from This Is Why You’re Fat into her mouth. So I didn’t expect her to look like that in her panties. I expected her to look like the giant lump of lard that my abuelita kept in an old Ragu jar under the kitchen sink for years. (Side note: That jar of lard mysteriously went missing a while ago and I’m guessing that it moved to New York, became a real estate mogul and is now running for president.)

And I am all for Pirelli giving usreal” poses, but did they have to choose a picture where Amy Schumer looks like she’s squeezing out a shit on the toilet while drinking coffee before getting dressed for work? Well, the Pirelli calendar is for rich dudes and “ladies taking a dump while drinking coffee” does sound like a weird rich dude fetish.

Elizabeth Olsen Dumped Tom Hiddleston

November 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Elizabeth Olsen and Tom Hiddleston never came out and said, “Yup, our fuck parts rub together every day, all day,and even she said that her chocha isn’t regularly getting Hiddleston’d. But the tabloids kept saying that they’re 100% a couple… and now Star (via Classicalite) is saying that they’re 100% not a couple anymore.

Star’s source (Hi, Lizzie Olsen’s publicist! I hope you had a good holiday!) says that Elizabeth Olsen didn’t break up with Tom Hiddleston because she was sick of his fans calling her all the time to say, “I hope you die.” That doesn’t bother Elizabeth at all since she’s used to a creepy voice saying, “I hope you die,” when she picks up the phone. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen say that to her every time they call. It’s their way of saying “hello.” The source says that Elizabeth dumped Tom because she doesn’t want to get into anything serious.

“Elizabeth’s so focused on her career. She wasn’t sure she could handle a serious relationship right now.”

I know, Elizabeth Olsen needs an MRI stat, because there must be something wrong with her brain area if she’s choosing to work instead of doing Tom Hiddleston all the time. But really, getting dumped by Elizabeth Olsen may have saved Tom Hiddleston’s life! If they were still together, she would’ve dragged him to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding and if he went to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding, he would’ve ended up coughing up his blackened lungs on the floor as the Trollsens danced around him while cackling.

Pic: Getty

Erykah Badu Shit On Iggy Azalea During The Soul Train Awards

November 30, 2015 / Posted by:

At the beginning of the Soul Train Awards, which happened earlier this month and aired last night, Erykah Badu answered these two questions:

1. Does Iggy Azalea still exist?

2. Does everybody still hate Iggy Azalea?

While wearing her signature short uncut dick hat and dressed up like a high priestess bag lady farmer, Erykah Badu reminded everyone that Iggy Azalea is still a thing that exists and hating on her is still the world’s favorite sport. Erykah has a new cellphone-themed mixtape out and to promote that shit, she did a bit during her opening monologue at the Soul Train Awards where she talked to famous types on her phone. The scent of microwaved plastic immediately filled the nostrils of hos in the audience after Erykah burned Iggy with this:

“Tonight we are only honoring soul and R&B music. There will be no hip hop awards given out. Only three tattoos per arm are permitted. There will be no red cups and no gold chains – [phone rings] Is that my phone? Hang on one second. I’m sorry, y’all. Ah, yes. Who is this? Iggy Azalea! Oh, hey. No, no, no, no, you can come because what you’re doing is DEFINITELY not rap.”

And if just reading the words doesn’t take you up, up and away, the video will:

At this point, hating on Iggy Azalea is like taking a sloppy shit on top of the mutilated corpse of a dead horse that’s been ran over by a train several times, but since it’s one of the only things that brings us together as a people, I say: Hate on, Erykah! Hate on!


Prince Hot Ginge’s Ass Fell Off Of A Horse Twice

November 30, 2015 / Posted by:

This highly important event happened a couple of days ago and I’m just posting about it now, because I’ve been mouth deep in a pool of Thanksgiving leftovers and booze while fucking my ear holes with my own fingers to drown out the sound of my family members fighting over everything. And I’m also just posting it now, because I was busy having some Photoshop fun with that screen shot of Prince Hot Ginge with his ass up in the air.

While those thirsty royal bitches Duchess Kate and Prince William spent part of their weekend refreshing Kensington Palace’s Twitter page to watch the favorites count on those pictures of Baby Princess Charlotte go up and up and up, Prince Hot Ginge was in South Africa doing some actual work! PHG did a four-day tour to South Africa and during a polo match on Saturday, he ate grass twice after falling off of his horse. Yes, my ass is jealous of that grass.

The best way to watch this video is to watch it with the sound on mute and “Pony” blasting.

The HELL is wrong with that horse? When PHG is riding your back hard, you enjoy the ride and keep him on you as long as possible. Who cares if the heat from his piping hot royal jewels burn through the saddle and char your skin? You keep on! I swear, that horse is an embarrassment. This would’ve never ever happened if I could shape-shift into a polo horse. (“Well, you’re already a horse’s ass, so you’re halfway there, bitch!” – you)

And here’s Saint Hot Ginge visiting a youth center in Cape Town today.

Pics: Getty

Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Nathan, the dancing Chinese Crested who is pretty much the reincarnation of Martha Graham!

Nathan was an Open Post host last year, but he never got the true tribute he deserves! You can go ahead and cancel your cable, satellite, Hulu subscription, Netflix subscription and Amazon subscription, because Nathan has a YouTube channel and it’s all the visual entertainment your eyeballs need. Watching Nathan’s videos is like peeking into the life of Mikhail Baryshnikov, because it seems like all this pooch does is lay down the hot and sweet moves.

Nathan is truly a mystery, because I don’t know much about him. But I guess the only thing you really need to know about Nathan is that he can’t help but dance like Billy Elliot on molly when he hears the beat. Dance is in his heart! Dance is in his soul! Dance is in veins! Or maybe his humans are just holding a treat high above his head out of the camera’s view.

Nathan isn’t only the kind of talented bitch who could easily unseat that hack Michael Flatley, but he’s also a major attention whore. I mean, he’s got at least 500 million videos on his YouTube channel. But out of all the videos in his dance portfolio, this one is pure gold. What more do you need in life besides an accordian-playing memaw and a dancing Chinese Crested?

And Nathan is also an extremely versatile performer who can deliver all sorts of scenes and vibes. Here’s Nathan busting out the moves while sandwiched between two big-tittied Magic Mike wannabes:

Both of those videos are the hallucinations that David Lynch has when he does too much LSD. What I’m trying to say is that Nathan is an acrid trip God of dance and we should all worship at his dancing paws!

via Tastefully Offensive


Birthday Sluts

November 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Billy Idol (60)
Kaley Cuoco (30)
Chrissy Teigen (30)
Omahyra Mota (31)
Elisha Cuthbert (33)
Clay Aiken (37)
Gael Garcia Bernal (37)
Steve Aoki (38)
Jessalyn Gilsig (44)
Des’ree (47)
Ryan Murphy (50)
Ben Stiller (50)
Bo Jackson (53)
Cherie Currie (56)
Lorraine Kelly (56)
Stacey Q (57)
Shuggie Otis (62)
Mandy Patinkin (63)
June Chadwick (64)
David Mamet (68)
Terrence Malick (72)
Ridley Scott (78)
Robert Guillaume (88)

Pic: Rolling Stone


Open Post: Hosted By Benedict Cumberbatch Impersonating Some Otters

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

And just like that, an enthusiastic Cumberbitch/Furry crossover subculture called Cumberbears was born.

During a recent appearance to promote Black Mass on The Graham Norton Show, Benedict Cumberbatch confirmed what the internet has been saying for years: that he looks like a damn otter. To prove that Benedict is just a few DNA chains short of reaching out to his long-lost cousin Emmet and asking if he can join his jug band this Christmas, a couple pictures of otters were thrown up and Benedict did his best impression of them. To be fair, they might not even have been his best impressions; dude looks so much like a water puppy that even his worst impression would have had the audience screaming “OMG TWINS!!!!

But the best part, by far, was Johnny Depp’s reaction. Johnny was looking at Benedict in the same profoundly confused way he looks at a bar of soap or a hat without holes; just a whole lot of “the FUCK is this??” Which is so weird, because if anyone on that couch looks like a dead-ringer for a greasy wet otter, it’s Johnny Depp.

Olivia Culpo Called It Quits With Tim Tebow Because He Wouldn’t Put Out

November 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Pour out a glass of non-alcoholic sparkling grape juice for Tim Tebow’s favorite hand-holding hand today (it’s totally the left one), as it’s about to be real lonely. According to the NY Daily News, Jesus’ favorite football player is single again after his girlfriend of two months dumped his ass and she’s citing lack of dick as the reason.

The handsome human VeggieTales character got together with the former Miss USA and former Nick Jonas humper Olivia Culpo at the beginning of October. And when I say “got together“, I’m of course referring to everything but their genitals, because Tim Tebow is chaste virgin type who is saving himself for marriage. And it seemed like everything was good; one of Olivia’s friends claim that Tim was really into her and was sending her “love letters and cute notes“. But she decided to end it because no matter how many love letters he was throwing at her, she just couldn’t deal with the cobwebs collecting on her crotch.

Okay, I’m totally on Team Olivia here, because I too would have a hard time dealing with an endless string of Netflix and Chill nights that involved actually watching Netflix. But I have questions. Unless Olivia doesn’t own a computer that has access to Tim Tebow’s Wikipedia page, she should have known going into it that Tim Tebow is a hardcore Christian who is saving his fuck parts for his future wife. Or maybe she did know that, but she was so desperate for Tebowners that she paid a wizard to bless her with a magic coochie that could hypnotize Tim’s wiener and change his mind about premarital sex. If it’s the second option, then I suggest she might want to find that wizard and get her money back, because it clearly didn’t work.


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