Archives: November 2015

Birthday Sluts

November 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Tina Turner (76)
Rita Ora (25)
Kat DeLuna (28)
Trevor Morgan (29)
Lil’ Fizz (30)
Natasha Bedingfield (34)
DJ Khaled (40)
Tammy Lynn Michaels (41)
Peter Facinelli (42)
Kristin Bauer van Straten (49)
Garcelle Beauvais (49)
Scott Adsit (50)
Adriana De Moura of Real Housewives of Miami (50)
Lisa Moretti (54)
Ilona Staller (64)
John McVie (70)
Jean Terrell of The Supremes (71)
Rich Little (77)

Pic: Tumblr


Thanksgiving Eve Crumbs

November 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Tom Cruise may star in a reboot of The Mummy. No, he’s not playing the title role. I checked. If he does it, that movie is going to be about 5 minutes long, because the mummy army will turn to dust as soon as he starts bitching about how his assistant doesn’t know how to handle cookie dough right – Lainey Gossip

Pauly D and Aubrey O’Day are doing it full-time, because true love is real and because they probably think they can get a reality show out of it  – Reality Tea 

My high school guidance counselor really should’ve told me to be a dog acupuncturist to the stars since that’s where the cash is at – Celebitchy

And here’s JLo in Marie Claire wearing the most clothes I’ve seen her wear in a while  – Drunken Stepfather

In other words, they really turned up Tracy Morgan’s morphine drip in the hospital – The Superficial 

Adriana Lima’s nipples: here they are – The Nip Slip 

Michael B. Jordan is lubed up and ready to go in Men’s FitnessTowleroad

The human in Chrissy Teigen’s stomach is growing… Although, it may have relocated to her top knot – Popoholic

Bella Thorne’s maybe arch rival is in Jalouse MagazineHollywood Tuna 

The dude who did the voice of Arnold in Hey Arnold! sort of looks like a Bushwick Jimmy Kimmel – The Berry 

Will Smith wants to run for office. I am only okay with this if Jaden Smith writes all of his campaign speeches – Jezebel

I see that Pimp Mama Kris is giving Josh Duggar money tips – IDLYITW

Frank Gifford suffered from a concussion-related brain disease – Just Jared

The little girl who has been part of Chris Rock’s family for years is in the US on a visitor visa – Wetpaint

What in workout wear by Hefty HELL is Gwen Stefani wearing? – Popsugar

Joe Jonas and Roseanne: My new favorite it couple – SOW

Rachel McAdams, who? Mimi channeled her inner Regina George for her Emmy-worthy Christmas movie – Lainey Gossip 

Pic: Splash


Courtney Stodden Did Herself Up As Little Ho Peep To Protest Against Wool

November 25, 2015 / Posted by:

In Greek mythology there’s a story about how Artemis, the goddess of wild animals, protested against wool by sticking her silicone bag chichis out while dressed up like a day-shift hooker Little Bo Beep. So when I saw these pictures of Courtney Stodden doing just that on Hollywood Blvd. yesterday, I knew that she is the Artemis of our time!

Seen above looking like she’s trying to piss but is too fucked up on Xanax to make a tinkle, the Porn Iguana protested for PETA by posing in front of the paps while wearing a Little Ho Peep costume. Courtney said at the photo-op that everyone needs to stop buying wool, because many sheep are abused during shearling.

“Every wool sweater or scarf means a lifetime of suffering for a beautiful, gentle sheep. My friends at PETA and I urge everyone to leave wool on the rack this winter!”

I feel like the Porn Iguana has worn wool before… If she has, I’m sure it’s because a sheep shaved the wool off of its own body and gave it to her. It wanted its wool to touch the body of a saint and natural goddess!


Those Eggplant Haters At Instagram Won’t Let The Game’s Glorious Dick Print Be Great

November 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Next to cold water, Instagram has just become a huge enemy to us lovers of hard dicks. The Game is the current reigning Shakespeare of Instagram peen print pictures, because he regularly graces eyeballs with romantic hashtag sonnets along with exquisite portraits of his Hickory Farms summer sausage boner. But now the same evil demons who put an end to #EggplantFriday and repeatedly yanked down Chelsea Handler’s nipples want to erase The Game’s poetic hashtags and dick prints from their site.

TMZ says that the pictures of The Game’s dick have been flagged so many times that Instagram wants him to take them down. The pictures are still up as of right now. The Game claims that Instagram hasn’t sent him a takedown notice yet, but if they do, he’s taking his eggplant show to Snapchat where they let hard peens run wild.

@tmz_tv calls me to give me the scoop……. Shit been up for a month, now y'all threatening niggas lol #KanyeShrug #YouAPhoneAppButYouStillLikeTheSausage 😂😂😂😂😂😂 #ProbablyLilWeeWeeNiggasReportingIt #YoDaddyJustWasntPackinSoGeneticallyYourLifeFuckedUp #MyDaddyWasADragonSlayerOutHereAndItGotPassedDownToMe #MyGrandaddyWasASeaMonsterKiller #ItRunsInTheFamily #TaylorMeatPackingCompany #MEATPRINTPAPI has spoken….. Now back to this Daddy thing I'm doing over here…. #HatersGoneHatePotatosGonePotate lmaoooo…. So if my account mysteriously disappear, IG hatin on a player & I'll be on snap chat for the duration: "blackb0yfly" & if they do delete it…. All my women fans, post it in the name of my Instagram memory #LongLiveTheDingALingKing #UnBothered

A video posted by The Game (@losangelesconfidential) on

This is a dick injustice! If Instagram bans The Game’s dick print, he’ll probably post more close-up pictures of his busted face tattoo and who wants that?! Every dude needs to form a Million Peens March on Instagram to protest against this wrongdoing!


(But if Instagram feels like they should take the pics down because those decorative towels are too ugly for eyes, then I’m all for that.)


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Terrence Howard Just Fell The Hell In Love With Goopy Paltrow

November 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Since Goopy Paltrow is the real White Oprah (sorry, Dina Lohan, but you’re more like the Trashy Robin Byrd), she steam queefed out one of her own Favorite Things list called The Ridiculous (But Awesome) Gifts list. Nearly everything on the list is ridiculous. She got that part right. The list is supposed to come off as tongue-in-cheek, but you know Goopy buys this shit for real.

Open Post: Hosted By Adele Doing The Classroom Instrument Version Of “Hello”

November 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Open Post is going up sooner than usual today, because I know that many of you are leaving your job early to spend hours preparing for Skanksgiving dinner tomorrow. And by “spend hours preparing” I mean that you’re going to buy a can of jellied cranberries, a box of instant mashed potatoes and a pre-made turkey at the grocery store before going home to make a fresh loaf of coochie yeast sourdough and watch porn while getting drunk.

So here’s a little known indie artist named Adele doing an unknown song called “Herro” with The Roots and Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show last night. SPOILER ALERT: That thing she’s holding up to her ear isn’t a big slice of green apple. It’s a flip phone. That little fact really disappointed me.


ICYMI: The Trailer For “Captain America: Civil War”

November 25, 2015 / Posted by:

But let’s be honest, I already posted the trailer for the REAL Captain America: Civil War in today’s Hot Slut of the Day post. The King of Black Friday Jarvis Johnson is the real Captain America and this country’s real Civil War is the Black Friday battle. But anyway, Chris Evans and giant bag of money with a goatee Robert Downey Jr. were on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to make nerds shoot chunky cum loads of excitement by presenting the trailer for that Civil War movie. If you’ve got a nerd in your life and they’re hosting Thanksgiving this year, you better sniff the gravy before pouring it on your mashed potatoes, because who knows what they shot in there while watching this:

I saw explosions, I saw Chris Evans’ huge arms looking like pantyhose stuffed with melons, I saw the Black Panther looking a little wonky-eyed (he may be part Siamese Cat) and I saw ScarJo saying something along the lines of, “Do you really want to do this?” A lot of times in action and superhero movies, there’s a trick saying, “Do you really want to do this?” to the main hero. Stupid ass! Of course they want to do this! If they don’t, there will be no movie, which means there will be no money, which means you’ll have to fly commercial with the peasants, because you won’t be able to afford a private jet. Don’t ask that shit!

But what I mostly saw while watching that trailer is a team of workers building a 50,000 square foot addition next to RDJ’s money vault, because he’s going to need a whole lot more room to store all the cash he’s going to make from this.


Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Jarvis Johnson, the Black Friday King of Avondale, Arizona!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, the day us ‘Mericans lay on our asses all day and build up our strength by stuffing our eating holes with delicious things so that we’ll be 100% ready to elbow a trick in the throat and kick a bitch in the kneecaps while battling it out in a Walmart for a $10 off waffle maker on the holiday that really matters: Black Friday!

On the news here, they’ve been showing wrecks who got in line at Best Buy a week ago and I rolled my eyes at those STUNT QUEENs since they obviously don’t care about the beloved Black Friday holiday. They’re just doing that to get on TV. Jarvis Johnson is probably waiting in line early for the same reason, but at least he’s going all out. Show up and show out is his motto.

Jarvis started waiting in line at Best Buy on Sunday and his set-up is more luxurious and better insulated than some NYC apartments I’ve been in and lived in. Jarvis gave Fox 10 (via HuffPo) a tour of his opulent Black Friday pied-à-terre in front of a Best Buy and it comes complete with a bed, a TV, a heater, a microwave and a fridge. Jarvis also has a sidekick, a kid named Eduardo, who randomly pops up during the tour.

Jarvis said, “the early bird gets the worm,” twice and when it came to Black Friday, I always thought the early bird gets punched in the face by a stronger and meaner ho who shows up at the last minute and shanks anybody in their way. But Jarvis is the expert, so I’m not going to disagree. And I hope that mess of an interview leads to Jarvis and his sidekick Eduardo geting their own show on HGTV.


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