Bill Nye (60)
Aubrey Peeples (22)
Alison Pill (30)
Jaleel White (39)
Shaunie O’neal (41)
Sharlto Copley (42)
Samantha Harris (42)
Brooke Langton (45)
Myles Kennedy (46)
Michael Vartan (47)
Robin Givens (51)
Fisher Stevens (52)
Victoria Gotti (53)
Samantha Bond (54)
Caroline Kennedy (58)
William Fichtner (59)
Curtis Armstrong (62)
Kathryn Bigelow (64)
You know you want to gobble gobble on her turkey. You bring the gravy.
If you celebrate National Shove Forty Five Pounds Of Food Into Your Face Hole Until Your Ass Explodes Day, then you’ll soon be getting drunk on the sweet nectar while watching Showgirls on your iPhone as your drunk tia keeps interrupting to tell you that you look healthier and more filled out. (“Healthier and more filled out” is aunt-speak for, “Bitch, you got fat.“) So before the festivities start, I just want to say that I’m thankful for the sweet nectar, Showgirls, jellied cranberries, one hitters and you. I am thankful that you’re crazy and masochistic enough to read this site.
And I’m also thankful for Dlisted’s Patron Saint, 99 Cent Store plastic wrap, half-price Thanksgiving decorations at Party City and paps who show up after Phoebe Price calls them for a stunning photo shoot in front of a sheet in her garage. All of those things made this cornucopia of elegance happen. PP looks like a cross between an overcooked slutty turducken and wrapped-up Skanksgiving leftovers. PP really is a master artist who has captured the true spirit of the holiday.
The Tissue Paper Turkey!
I asked my friend Lahoma, who barfs up his brilliance on this site every now and again, for his suggestions for a Thanksgiving Day Hot Slut of the Day. Lahoma showed me a picture of the tissue paper turkey and we both went all the way back to the 80s when this shit was in nearly every elementary school classroom. After he brought the tissue paper turkey back into my life, I went to Target for the usual (pork rinds, candles, wine and lube) and looked for one, because I wanted to put one on my eating table for Thanksgiving. They didn’t have not a one! Can you believe that? Target is anti-Thanksgiving and anti-American, obviously.
The tissue paper turkey was (and is) a stunning and exquisite Thanksgiving decoration that adds several touches of beauty and ~whimsy~ to any room. These were and are absolutely gold-plated HIGH ART. The tissue paper turkey isn’t only a thing of holiday exquisiteness, it can also be sliced up and served to your vegetarian guests. I mean, I’m 100% sure it takes better than that Tofurky nastiness.
Tina Turner (76)
Rita Ora (25)
Kat DeLuna (28)
Trevor Morgan (29)
Lil’ Fizz (30)
Natasha Bedingfield (34)
DJ Khaled (40)
Tammy Lynn Michaels (41)
Peter Facinelli (42)
Kristin Bauer van Straten (49)
Garcelle Beauvais (49)
Scott Adsit (50)
Adriana De Moura of Real Housewives of Miami (50)
Lisa Moretti (54)
Ilona Staller (64)
John McVie (70)
Jean Terrell of The Supremes (71)
Rich Little (77)
Tom Cruise may star in a reboot of The Mummy. No, he’s not playing the title role. I checked. If he does it, that movie is going to be about 5 minutes long, because the mummy army will turn to dust as soon as he starts bitching about how his assistant doesn’t know how to handle cookie dough right – Lainey Gossip
Pauly D and Aubrey O’Day are doing it full-time, because true love is real and because they probably think they can get a reality show out of it – Reality Tea
My high school guidance counselor really should’ve told me to be a dog acupuncturist to the stars since that’s where the cash is at – Celebitchy
And here’s JLo in Marie Claire wearing the most clothes I’ve seen her wear in a while – Drunken Stepfather
In other words, they really turned up Tracy Morgan’s morphine drip in the hospital – The Superficial
Adriana Lima’s nipples: here they are – The Nip Slip
Michael B. Jordan is lubed up and ready to go in Men’s Fitness – Towleroad
The human in Chrissy Teigen’s stomach is growing… Although, it may have relocated to her top knot – Popoholic
Bella Thorne’s maybe arch rival is in Jalouse Magazine – Hollywood Tuna
The dude who did the voice of Arnold in Hey Arnold! sort of looks like a Bushwick Jimmy Kimmel – The Berry
Will Smith wants to run for office. I am only okay with this if Jaden Smith writes all of his campaign speeches – Jezebel
I see that Pimp Mama Kris is giving Josh Duggar money tips – IDLYITW
Frank Gifford suffered from a concussion-related brain disease – Just Jared
The little girl who has been part of Chris Rock’s family for years is in the US on a visitor visa – Wetpaint
What in workout wear by Hefty HELL is Gwen Stefani wearing? – Popsugar
Joe Jonas and Roseanne: My new favorite it couple – SOW
Rachel McAdams, who? Mimi channeled her inner Regina George for her Emmy-worthy Christmas movie – Lainey Gossip
In Greek mythology there’s a story about how Artemis, the goddess of wild animals, protested against wool by sticking her silicone bag chichis out while dressed up like a day-shift hooker Little Bo Beep. So when I saw these pictures of Courtney Stodden doing just that on Hollywood Blvd. yesterday, I knew that she is the Artemis of our time!
Seen above looking like she’s trying to piss but is too fucked up on Xanax to make a tinkle, the Porn Iguana protested for PETA by posing in front of the paps while wearing a Little Ho Peep costume. Courtney said at the photo-op that everyone needs to stop buying wool, because many sheep are abused during shearling.
“Every wool sweater or scarf means a lifetime of suffering for a beautiful, gentle sheep. My friends at PETA and I urge everyone to leave wool on the rack this winter!”
I feel like the Porn Iguana has worn wool before… If she has, I’m sure it’s because a sheep shaved the wool off of its own body and gave it to her. It wanted its wool to touch the body of a saint and natural goddess!
Next to cold water, Instagram has just become a huge enemy to us lovers of hard dicks. The Game is the current reigning Shakespeare of Instagram peen print pictures, because he regularly graces eyeballs with romantic hashtag sonnets along with exquisite portraits of his Hickory Farms summer sausage boner. But now the same evil demons who put an end to #EggplantFriday and repeatedly yanked down Chelsea Handler’s nipples want to erase The Game’s poetic hashtags and dick prints from their site.
TMZ says that the pictures of The Game’s dick have been flagged so many times that Instagram wants him to take them down. The pictures are still up as of right now. The Game claims that Instagram hasn’t sent him a takedown notice yet, but if they do, he’s taking his eggplant show to Snapchat where they let hard peens run wild.
@tmz_tv calls me to give me the scoop……. Shit been up for a month, now y'all threatening niggas lol #KanyeShrug #YouAPhoneAppButYouStillLikeTheSausage 😂😂😂😂😂😂 #ProbablyLilWeeWeeNiggasReportingIt #YoDaddyJustWasntPackinSoGeneticallyYourLifeFuckedUp #MyDaddyWasADragonSlayerOutHereAndItGotPassedDownToMe #MyGrandaddyWasASeaMonsterKiller #ItRunsInTheFamily #TaylorMeatPackingCompany #MEATPRINTPAPI has spoken….. Now back to this Daddy thing I'm doing over here…. #HatersGoneHatePotatosGonePotate lmaoooo…. So if my account mysteriously disappear, IG hatin on a player & I'll be on snap chat for the duration: "blackb0yfly" & if they do delete it…. All my women fans, post it in the name of my Instagram memory #LongLiveTheDingALingKing #UnBothered
This is a dick injustice! If Instagram bans The Game’s dick print, he’ll probably post more close-up pictures of his busted face tattoo and who wants that?! Every dude needs to form a Million Peens March on Instagram to protest against this wrongdoing!
(But if Instagram feels like they should take the pics down because those decorative towels are too ugly for eyes, then I’m all for that.)
Since Goopy Paltrow is the real White Oprah (sorry, Dina Lohan, but you’re more like the Trashy Robin Byrd), she steam queefed out one of her own Favorite Things list called The Ridiculous (But Awesome) Gifts list. Nearly everything on the list is ridiculous. She got that part right. The list is supposed to come off as tongue-in-cheek, but you know Goopy buys this shit for real.
Open Post is going up sooner than usual today, because I know that many of you are leaving your job early to spend hours preparing for Skanksgiving dinner tomorrow. And by “spend hours preparing” I mean that you’re going to buy a can of jellied cranberries, a box of instant mashed potatoes and a pre-made turkey at the grocery store before going home to make a fresh loaf of coochie yeast sourdough and watch porn while getting drunk.
So here’s a little known indie artist named Adele doing an unknown song called “Herro” with The Roots and Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show last night. SPOILER ALERT: That thing she’s holding up to her ear isn’t a big slice of green apple. It’s a flip phone. That little fact really disappointed me.