Megan Fox Is Talking Crazy Again (UPDATE)

Megan Fox is definitely smoking the wrong stuff and she definitely smoked the wrong stuff with the dude who interviewed her for Esquire, because the entire article is crazy wrapped in a paperback copy of Dianetics wrapped in the DVD jacket for Jesus Camp.

The reincarnation of Plato (again, not Dana, the other one) opened her mouth and spat up about how she can’t stop herself from talking in tongues and how she wishes she could spend all her time looking for ancient alien artifacts. Stephen Marche of Esquire starts the interview by comparing Megan Fox to an Aztec sacrifice and then describes her face as a “visual labyrinth” and “a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly.” Can Megan and Stephen please tell the public what kind of herbs they were smoking, because I don’t ever want those herbs in my bong. That sounds like the worst trip ever.

Before you start reading these insane pieces from Megan’s interview, get yourself a spirit guide to take you through it safely. You’re going to need one.

On how being famous is worse than being bullied in high school: “I don’t think people understand. They all think we should shut the fuck up and stop complaining because you live in a big house or you drive a Bentley. So your life must be so great. What people don’t realize is that fame, whatever your worst experience in high school, when you were being bullied by those ten kids in high school, fame is that, but on a global scale, where you’re being bullied by millions of people constantly.”

On how she, the internet, fame and war might be the Four Whoresmen: “I’ve read the Book of Revelation a million times. It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded. What is the dragon? What is the prostitute? What are these things? What is this imagery? What was John seeing? And I was just thinking, What is the Antichrist? When war breaks out in the Holy Land, like it is right now, if that is a sign of the immediate end times, then where are the other signs? Is it possible that it’s the Internet or fame itself or celebrity?”

On erasing her Marilyn Monroe tattoo: “I feel like I willed it be gone. They told me it was going to take six sessions and it’s nearly gone in one. She wasn’t powerful at the time. She was sort of like Lindsay. She was an actress who wasn’t reliable, who almost wasn’t insurable…. She had all the potential in the world, and it was squandered. I’m not interested in following in those footsteps.”

On how she’s a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues sometimes: “I have seen magical, crazy things happen. I’ve seen people be healed. Even now, in the church I go to, during Praise and Worship I could feel that I was maybe getting ready to speak in tongues, and I’d have to shut it off because I don’t know what that church would do if I started screaming out in tongues in the back.

It feels like a lot of energy coming through the top of your head — I’m going to sound like such a lunatic — and then your whole body is filled with this electric current. And you just start speaking, but you’re not thinking because you have no idea what you’re saying. Words are coming out of your mouth, and you can’t control it. The idea is that it’s a language that only God understands. It’s the language that’s spoken in heaven. It’s called ‘getting the Holy Ghost.’ “

On how she’d rather be exploring the ruins of Israel than skipping around in her panties in movies: “I feel like there’s stuff literally buried there and buried where the Maya were. I would like to uncover the secrets of the universe. In my fantasy.”

On how she thinks the movie Leprechaun starring Jennifer Aniston is a documentary: “I like believing. I believe in all of these Irish myths, like leprechauns. Not the pot of gold, not the Lucky Charms leprechauns. But maybe was there something in the traditional sense? I believe that this stuff came from somewhere other than people’s imaginations…. We should all believe in leprechauns. I’m a believer…. You and I are humans, this is not all of it. This cannot be, because we are so disappointing…. Films don’t hold the answers I’m looking for…. Would you not be so much more interested in finding out that bigfoot existed than in watching a really good movie? … I believe in aliens…. I am childlike in my spirit, and I want to believe in fairy tales… Loch Ness monster — there’s something to it…. There’s the Bell Witch… What distracts me from my reality is bigfoot. They are my celebrities.”

Megan Fox is a Pentecostal Christian who speaks in tongues and she believes in leprechauns, Bigfoot and ancient aliens who built civilizations? This might be the first time in history that Tommy Girl fingered his butt to something that a Pentecostal Christian woman has said. And the Alabama Leprechaun and Tim Peeler are fingering their butts right next to Tommy Girl.

And now thanks to Megan’s mouth, Lindsay is going to tattoo “‘Marilyn Monroe was like the Lindsay Lohan of her time.’ – Megan Fox” on her forehead. Out of all the crazy things that came out of Megan’s mouth, that was the craziest.

UPDATE – Megan Fox went on Facebook to clarify the shade she threw at Lindsay Lohan. Megan wrote:

In the newly released article that I did for Esquire, there is a reference that is made to Lindsay Lohan that I would like to clarify before it snowballs into something silly. The journalist and I were discussing why I was removing my Marilyn Monroe tattoo, especially since in his opinion, Marilyn was such a powerful and iconic figure for women. I attempted to draw parallels between Lindsay and Marilyn in order to illustrate my point that while Marilyn may be an icon now, sadly she was not respected and taken seriously while she was still living.

Both women were gifted actresses, whose natural talent was lost amongst the chaos and incessant media scrutiny surrounding their lifestyles and their difficulties adhering to studio schedules etc. I intended for this to be a factual comparison of two women with similar experiences in Hollywood. Unfortunately it turned into me offering up what is really much more of an uneducated opinion. It was most definitely not my intention to criticize or degrade Lindsay. I would never want her to feel bullied, as she does not deserve that. I was not always speaking eloquently during this interview and this miscommunication is my fault.

“WERE gifted actresses….” I see what you did there, Megan.

“I’m Shutting Your Butt Down!”

Starting at around the 4:09 mark in the clip above, Krishnan Guru-Murthy of Britain’s Channel 4 News starts asking Quentin Tarantino about the link between violence in movies and violence in real life. That question has been to QT’s ears dozens of times before and it’s pissed him off dozens of times before and this time was no exception. Krishnan asked QT why he doesn’t believe there’s a connection between loving fake violence in movies and loving real violence in real life, and he was not having any of it. QT tried to shut him down by saying, “Don’t ask me a question like that. I’m not biting. I’m refusing your question. I’m not your slave and you’re not my master. You can’t make me dance to your tune. I’m not your monkey. I refuse.” Eeeesh. Bitch got dramatic like that. I’m surprised QT didn’t jump out of his chair, put his finger in Krishnan’s face and say, “All my life I had to fight…..”

Krishnan wouldn’t back down and he kept pressing the question on QT and QT kept pushing the question away. QT let Krishnan know that the interview was a commercial for his movie and to Google him, you dumb fuck (copyright: Nay Nay Semel), to get the answer to the violence question, because he’s answered it a million times before. QT went off like this:

“I don’t want [to answer that]. I’m here to sell my movie. This is a commercial for the movie. Make no mistake. […] I don’t want to talk about what you want to talk about. I don’t want to talk about the implications of violence. The reason I don’t want to talk about it? Because I’ve said everything I have to say about it. If anyone cares what I have to say about it, they can Google me. They can look for 20 years what I have to say. I haven’t changed my opinion one iota.”

At one point, QT shouts, “I’m shutting your butt down!” Personally, I think QT went too far with that line. QT should watch what he says, because that line hits too close to homo home for some. How would he like it if every time he had a rectal exam at the clinic, he heard that line from his free clinic physician AND the CDC. Nobody wants their butt shut down. That’s like shutting down a party early.

Krishnan and QT went at it for a while before moving on to the next question and going on with the interview like professionals. But Krishnan went about it the wrong way. You have to sweeten QT up if you want him to answer some serious questions. Krishnan should’ve slowly took off his leather oxford loafers, sensually stripped off his socks one by one, squirted the Jergens on his toes and let QT go to QT’s favorite place: Foot Town. QT would’ve been putty in his feet and would’ve answered any question Krishnan asked. Yes, QT would’ve had to excuse himself a couple of times, but at least Krishnan would’ve gotten answers to his questions.

Lindsay Lohan Really Is The Neely O’Hara Of Our Time

Stephen Rodrick was on the set of The Canyons almost every day during filming for a New York Times Magazine profile piece about the movie and he somehow made it out alive. That’s saying a lot, because at one point, Stephen was in the same car as Lindsay Lohan. Stephen’s piece is at least forty thousand words long, but it’s worth it, because shit is fascinating. LiLo comes off as a narcissistic, self-entitled ball of delusion who lives on a different planet where time doesn’t exist. It has everything you could ever want from a forty thousand word piece, so pop the crackcorn and put your eyes on it. Here’s a few highlights from it:

Paul Schrader, the director of The Canyons, cast Lindsay Lohan even though the movie’s writer Bret Easton Ellis told him she was wrong for the part. Paul told LiLo that she would only get $100 a day (plus profits) and had to shoot a four-way sex scene. LiLo agreed to that and was okay with having no say in making decisions. But a quick minute into production, LiLo was fired after she didn’t show up to rehearse with her co-star James Deen. The producer Braxton Pope let LiLo know that she was fired and the crazy bitch showed up to Paul’s hotel, banged on his door and gave the performance of her life! This truly is some Neely O’Hara shit:

Pope finally reached Lohan, telling her she was done. Lohan began to cry and begged for another chance. Pope told her that Schrader had made up his mind.

Lohan headed for the Orlando. She pounded on doors until she found Schrader’s room. As she banged on his door, she texted him manically. Schrader could hear her crying but wouldn’t let her in. He texted her instead.

“Lindsay, go home.”

The hotel manager rang up to ask if he should call the cops. Schrader told him no and sat down on his bed. Lohan stayed out in the hall sobbing for another 90 minutes before she finally left.

Paul gave her another chance when he watched her screen test again. Paul told her that if she fucked up again, he’d drop her ass off at the back of the unemployment line. Of course, she screwed up again. One day when they broke for lunch, LiLo said she wanted to go to a restaurant with her assistants and this made Paul and Braxton Pope nervous. So they made a co-producer drive LiLo and her group of messes to lunch. Since it’s kind of weird snorting lines of vodka in front of your co-producer during lunch time, LiLo pulled this hot move:

A few hours later, the production broke for lunch. Lohan announced she wanted to grab a bite somewhere on the Pacific Coast Highway. This concerned Pope and Schrader — they could monitor her only as long as they could see her — so they dispatched the co-producer, Ricky Horne Jr., to chauffeur Honig, Lohan and her assistants to wherever they wanted to go.

Horne drove them down the hill, pausing at a security gate. That’s when his passengers did a jailbreak, jumping out of his car. Honig frantically pushed buttons until the gate opened and the four of them dashed for Lohan’s assistant’s car. Horne sat, baffled for a moment, before heading back up the hill and briefing Schrader. The director was furious.

“O.K., she’s lost the privilege of leaving for lunch. She stays here.”

Lohan returned, only 15 minutes late, emerging from makeup to an angry Schrader.

After James and LiLo shot a scene where he grabbed her, tripped her and then body-slammed her to the floor, someone complimented her on how good she was at acting terrified and she gave all the credit to Michael Lohan. You should definitely play “Confessions of a Broken Heart” while reading this:

Deen came to life; throwing the negligée-wearing Lohan hard to the ground and pounding his fist into a wall with such fury I wondered if he had broken his hand. Lohan lay slumped on the floor, her hands guarding her face, shoulders shaking, tears pouring down her cheeks. Between takes, she listened to Ryan Adams’s cover of “Wonderwall.” After three shots, Schrader said he was satisfied, and Lohan fumbled for a cigarette. She headed downstairs, and someone complimented her work.

“Well, I’ve got a lot of experience with that from my dad.”

She didn’t elaborate, and no one asked.

And after LiLo shot that four-way sex scene with James Deen and two other porn stars, which she really didn’t want to do, she drove from the set drunk. YAY!

A few minutes later, Schrader yelled cut. The crew packed up. Pope went to check on Lohan. He noticed that she and Gavin had been drinking, which was understandable for a young woman shooting a sex scene with three porn stars. Quietly, Pope told Lohan that he could get her a driver to take her home. But she refused, jumped into her Porsche and headed down the dark, narrow road toward the P.C.H. They all hoped they would still have a lead actress in the morning.

It goes on and on and on and you should really read the whole thing. After reading all 500,000 words of this masterpiece, I only have one question: FOR WHY DIDN’T THEY TURN THIS INTO A REALITY SHOW?!!!

You’ve Got To Pay To Party With Lindsay Lohan

Why anyone would want to party with Lindsay Lohan, let alone pay for it, is beyond me. Bitch will drink your entire supply of booze, snatch your wallet, clog up all the toilets and say goodbye by punching you in the face. Bitch kills a party faster than an angry drunk abuelita with diarrhea. But the third in line to the throne of Brunei did pay Lindsay Lohan to show up to his party in London. Prince Azim could’ve lured LiLo to his party by leaving a trail of jooree, bottles of Popov vodka and generic Adderall from NYC to London, but I guess he loves wasting money, because he paid her $100,000.

White Oprah tells Huffington Post that LiLo didn’t go to London to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house with other A-listers like Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and (insert the name of a bunch of British never-wases here).  LiLo went to London, because the Prince of Brunei dialed up Rent-A-Mess and summoned her there. Just like Mariah Carey and Raquel Welch before her, Lindsay Lohan was paid a shit load of money and had all her expenses taken care of by Prince Azim. Some source tells the NYDN that Prince Azim loves renting celebrities for his parties and since LiLo is hard up for a dollar, she took that check. For some reason the NYDN asked Michael Lohan about LiLo getting paid to party and he opened up his corroded pie hole to queef this out: “Now she’s getting paid for dates?” and Michael Lohan went on to say, “…and since I’m her co-pimp, bitch better have my cut.” 

Some people are laughing at LiLo’s newest act of desperation, but in all seriousness I think it’s a smart move. Lindsay Lohan got paid to be Lindsay Lohan. Prince Azim sat on this throne and clapped all gleefully as LiLo slapped his guests, deep-throated several bottles of Grey Goose, ran over a baby, made the bartender empty out the cash register and then gave the prince a half-assed hand job while re-tweeting a Winston Churchill quote. Bitch does that for free every single night, so I can’t hate on her for getting paid for it. That should be LiLo’s new career. Clowns and mariachi bands are out! If you want to make your next party a memorable experience, hire a cracked out jester.

Here’s LiLo showing off her new lips while waltzing into a restaurant in London the other night.

Why The Devil Loves Anal By Former Gay Porn Star Joseph Sciambra

Joseph Sciambra is a former “gay porn star” and I put that in quotes, because I’d like to think I’ve seen a lot of gay porn and I’ve never seen Joseph Sciambra before. I guess he’d have to bend over and wiggle his stitched up sphincter for me to recognize him. Joseph used to be a butt sex-loving porn star and his ass canal was a birthing slide for demon entities, but now he’s a Christian and speaks out against the dark-sidedness of ass sex on his website (which is a treasure in itself).

While sitting in what looks like the gift shop at The Holy Land Experience, Joseph tells us that butt holes were not designed to eat penises (Side note to Joseph: Try telling that to my b-hole.) and he believe he birthed out a demon through his ass. I don’t think that was a demon. I think it was a lube-covered raisin, which looks and smells like a sadistic demon, so it’s an easy mistake. Stuart Smalley’s fashion icon then says that butt birthing out Rosemary’s baby’s twin fucked up his anus so bad that he had to get his sphincter stitched shut.

I know some of you are probably thinking that the doctor should’ve stitched up the sphincter on his face instead of the sphincter on his ass, but I disagree. Some of what comes out of his mouth is gold:

“Jenna Jameson never did anal onscreen.”

“Anal sex creates a doorway into the demonic supernatural.”

“Anal has become the first kiss.” 

I just want to buy a bunch of sphincter-shaped pillows and stitch (pun intended) those phrases onto every single one of them. And this does explain why every time I get ready to have butt sex, my piece hisses in horror, throws holy water at my ass and makes the sign of the cross while running out the door.

via Towleroad

Courtney Stodden Isn’t Going Away

Look who’s putting the “ho” in ho ho ho and the “mess” in Christmas! Yes, you can all thank me later for burning this exquisite and breathtaking image into your memory banks, and I know you won’t hate me more when I point out that from the looks of Courtney Stodden‘s ass, Santa jizzes Dollar Store spray snow. I know we were all wondering, and you’re welcome.

As a special holiday gift for us all, Courtneys mom wraps up some words of wisdom in a garish hot pink box with an oversized silver bow (she can’t afford gold), and she doesn’t sound at all like a delusional mess who’s been downing Adderall and eggnog cocktails with her daughter (yes, she does). In an article on Huffington post, Courtney’s mom, who does NOT have it going on, explains to us that her daughter is a timeless beauty, a victim of gorgeousness, and that she’s HERE TO STAY. That sound you hear is not a hurricane, it’s the collective exhale from every living creature on the planet in the knowledge that we can look forward to Slutty Santa, Easy Easter Bunny, Pussy Popping Patriot and Temptress Turkey for years to come. Yaaaaay.

“Courtney is the new Anna Nicole Smith, without the drugs. Everyone wants to be like Marilyn Monroe, but with Courtney the beauty comes from within — like Pam Anderson and Farrah Fawcett.”

Me: Marilyn Monroe? Farrah Fawcett?? Jenna Jameson, MAYBE.

“It won’t be 15 minutes of fame because it’s an evergreen story. Courtney is so intriguing; she’s almost an addiction for people. Her light shines. When she walks into an event, it’s incredible, as her mom and manager, to watch the reaction from people. There are so many horrible things we read, but when people meet her in person is so rewarding.”

Me: It’s kind of hard to ignore a barely legal bitch with her bits hanging out and her toes hanging over the end of her 12-inch lucite heels.

“She’s a victim of her own beauty. We need to understand all kinds of discrimination. It’s very sad.”

There is so much wrong with that last part, and I can’t even see right now to comment because my eyes are rolling like a slot machine.