People Magazine Says The Kimye Baby Was 3 Weeks, Not 5 Weeks, Premature

When Kim Kartrashian birthed out the next generation of fame whores 5 weeks early, I just figured that she induced really early into the summer because she wanted to get all her fat sucked out in time for staged bikini photo-op season. But a source (yes, let’s just nod and pretend like the source isn’t Pimp Mama Kris) tells People that Kim had complications and that’s why she popped out the Kimye baby prematurely. The source also says that Kaptain Krunch Kardashian West came into the world 3 weeks early and not 5 weeks early as previously reported. Yes, this matters (no, it doesn’t).

Sources in Kim’s tight circle (Note to People: None of Kim’s circles are tight) say that Kim was admitted into Cedars-Sinai on June 14th due to complications. Kanye West had just came back from whoring out Yeezus in Europe and immediately ran to Kim’s side (read: took a leisurely ride from the airport to his mansion, spent a couple of hours picking out the perfect leather pants to wear in the waiting room, powdered his b-hole and tried to remember Kim’s name before finally going to the hospital). The sources say that Kim was about 37 weeks pregnant when she went into labor and she gave birth to the 5lb Illuminati golden child naturally. Kim and Kanye’s kid is still in an incubator at the hospital, but  is doing fine. Well, as fine as a baby can be when Pimp Memaw Kris is shoving E!’s cameras in her faces and measuring her body for the monokini she’ll wear for her public unveiling on the first episode of KRIS!.

Everything I know about pregnancy I learned from I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, so correct me if I’m the opposite of right, but isn’t 37 weeks considered full term? But then again, I’m pretty sure that the gestation period of the spawn of a gay fish and a factory-defected Real Doll is about 40 weeks, so maybe she really was premature. As for the name, Media TakeOut says they named their kid “Kaidence Donda West” and Hollywood Life says they’re naming her “Kai Georgia Donda West.” I say NO to both of those names. Since Kanye is obviously going to put his mother’s name somewhere in his daughter’s name, they should name her Donda Esta Ellos Kardashian West. I mean “Donda Esta Ellos?” is the question that the poor child will be asking her nannies every time her parents abandon her, which will be all the time.

And here’s PMK bonding with her middle shelf hos during a little family photo-op in Calabasas yesterday.

Pics: Splash

Pimp Mama Kris And Bruce Jenner Like To Live In Separate Houses

That’s what Larry Dallas and Jack Tripper would look like if Three’s Company took place in Mordor. But I digress……

Khloe Kartrashian was on The Tonight Show last night and sadly for us, she didn’t mistake Jay Leno’s chin for a twice baked potato with all the fixings and jump over his desk to get to it. That didn’t happen, but Khloe did talk about the rumor that Pimp Mama Kris and Bruce Jenner’s marriage is dead like the feeling in his crotch after PMK ripped his nuts out with her teeth many years ago. Khlozilla threw a tiny bit of shade when she said that PMK and Bruce are still together, but they like to live in different houses, and it would never work for her, but it works for them.

“Well they’re not having problems but they still like to live apart, which is definitely different. You know Bruce and my mom they wanted some… I, like in my house, there is a manroom for Lamar. A room not a different house. So I think they took my idea and ran with it and they got another house, and Bruce stays there sometimes. I’m not for that. It’s in the same state, yes, different city. I’m not for that, but you know, to each their own. I don’t compare relationships. I just think a little too much time apart maybe isn’t the best thing. They’re like, ‘This is us, don’t judge us. We’ve been married 24 years. Blah blah blah.
‘I’m like, ‘I know people that have been married longer that still live together.'”

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton also have their own houses. It works for some! Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or in Bruce’s case, absence makes you forget that your monster ass wife is one of the reasons why your face looked like a botched circumcision. Besides, PMK loudly chants to her creator, Satan, at all hours of the night and Bruce needs his beauty sleep.

Here’s Bruce burning retinas with his beauty while on Extra with his son Brody Jenner last week.

Michael Douglas Got Throat Cancer From Eating Coochie

Filling his throat with cigarette smoke and downing gallons of booze is not what led to Michael Douglas getting cancer of the froat, so says Michael Douglas. During an interview with The Guardian, Michael Douglas was asked if he cursed booze and cigarettes after he was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer. MD doesn’t blame fags and the sweet nectar, because he says drinking and smoking for decades isn’t what gave him throat cancer, munching snatch did. MD says that some coochie needs to come with a warning label, because cunnilingus nearly killed him (that’s some Deadliest Snatch shit). MD explained it like this:

“No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”

MD was a major whore for many years, so who knows if CZJ is the one with a killer pussy. MD went on to joke that while making mouth love to vagina gave him throat cancer, it also cured his throat cancer.

“I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

Now some tricks are totally going to use the “I don’t want to get cancer!” excuse to get out of going down. Well, you can tell them that if they get cancer from eating coochie, they can cure themselves by continuing to eat that coochie. Dr. Michael Douglas said so!

And while reading about the dangers of getting cancer from oral, I also learned that you can get cancer (via HPV) from sucking dick too. WHY?!!!!!!!!

Matt Groening’s Mother And The Inspiration For Marge Simpson Dies At 94

The Simpsons creator Matt Groening’s mother Margaret Ruth Groening (née Wiggum) died peacefully in her sleep on April 22nd in Portland. Margaret was the inspiration for Marge Simpson and I did not know this, but Matt named most of The Simpsons characters after members of his own family. Margaret’s obit reads like The Simpsons family tree.

Homer is the name of Matt’s father and Lisa and Maggie are the name of his sisters. Bart is an anagram of Brat and is supposedly based on Matt. His brother Mark didn’t make the cut. Even Patty was the name of one of Matt’s relatives. It makes me sad knowing that Patty died earlier this year. Because if she was anything like her character, I would’ve liked to bitch about life with her while trying to pick up pieces at the gay bar.

Rest in peace, real-life Marge Simpson.

via Reddit & Gawker

Chelsea Handler Doesn’t Want To Be Somebody’s Mother, Ever

During an episode of The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet, Chelsea Handler said that the only kind of little people that she wants to suck on her chichis are the ones who are fully grown adults named Chuy Bravo. Jennifer Aniston’s partner in boozery says that she is a wonderful mother to a bottle of Grey Goose, but she’d be a crap mother to a human baby who needs actual attention.

“I definitely don’t want to have kids. I don’t think I’d be a great mother. I don’t want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don’t have the time to raise a child.

Childhood was heartbreaking enough for anybody. I don’t know that I could handle my own child, especially if I had a girl, going through what I went through growing up. Not that it was so traumatic, but in many ways, it was in your own way.”

Chelsea would probably be the kind of mother who gives her kid whiskey when it screams too much, does lines off of its bald head when she’s breast feeding and when it cries out for her and she doesn’t want to deal with it, she’d give it a piece of salmon jerky in a blonde wig to cuddle with (it won’t know the difference). I don’t see the problem! That’s basically what White Oprah did with all of her kids and look how wonderful that turned out.

via Radar

Goopy Hates The Way The British Say “Pasta”

Goopy Paltrow tells The Guardian (via Jezebel) that even though she’s a natural-born British lass with a natural-born British accent, her ears curl closed when she hears a Brit saying the word “pasta.” If Goopy ever hears one of her children say the word “pasta” the British way, she’ll wash their tongues out with $500-a-bar soap made from a rare kind of wax only found in special bees who exclusively eat Mānuka honey. That’ll teach them how to say paaaaaah-sta.

“I’ve lived in England for 10 years and the accent is the most beautiful in the world, except for how you pronounce pasta as pass-ta instead of pah-sta. I’m sort of joking when I say this but I really don’t want my children speaking that way.”

I totally get what Goopy is saying. She pronounces Gwyneth as “the most perfect person in the world” and the rest of us pronounce Gwyneth as “a total asshole.” Personally, I prefer the way all of us pronounce it. I’m sort of not joking when I say that.

And that wasn’t the only gem that fell out of Goopy’s talk hole:

“I hung out with Leonardo DiCaprio when I moved to New York. He was vegetarian and he’d talk about how dirty meat is and how bad factory farming is. I haven’t eaten red meat in 20 years and although Leo’s not totally responsible he definitely planted a seed. When I turned seriously macrobiotic, it coincided with my father having been diagnosed with cancer [in 1999]. I felt I could heal him by proxy.”

“Eating while filming a scene is the worst thing, because you have to keep eating the same thing all day long. You’ll notice that most films with food the actors aren’t actually eating, but I try consciously to eat to make it real, but most of the time I’ll spit it out to avoid feeling sick. I’m sure there must have been eating scenes, especially playing a 330lb character in Shallow Hal, but I don’t remember that film well to be honest.”

So Goopy will only put her mouth on cow meat if Jamie Oliver asks, Leonardo DiCaprio once planted a seed in her and of course she remembers nothing about the movie where she played a fat chick. And now we know that the best way to keep the Goop away is to wave a raw red steak or a copy of Shallow Hal at her. Thanks for the tip, Goopy!

(Thanks, Kristy!)