And This Is What Is Called TOO MUCH HIPSTER

Robert Pattinson finally unveiled what’s been lurking underneath his hat and it’s more terrifying and ridiculous than we could have ever imagined. The enchanted unicorn forest is now a symbol for a hipster nightmare.

At the Go Campaign’s 7th Annual Go Go Gala in Beverly Hills last night (Side note: “GO! GO!” is what I screamed after looking at the shit that Peaky Blinders threw up on RPattz’s head), RPattz  made everyone’s brain explode with the puzzle on his head. I’m going to need Dan Brown to explain this shit to me. The front is giving me “errrr” and the back is giving me “aaaaaaaah.”

RPattz’s head is like a game of Classic Concentration. I see three things on his head: a long-haired guinea pig in a wind storm, Moe Howard and an extra chunky landing strip. Hmm… What do you get when you add those things together? Oh I know. You get this word:

DEEERRRP. 

I hate to sound like one of those Robsten4Eva crazies who haven’t had their meds yet, but that is all FKA Twigs on his head. Sure, RPattz could be earning extra coins by advertising Dumber and Dumber To on his head or it could be for a movie where he plays a man who was savagely attacked by a Flowbee, but I’m guessing it was FKA Twigs’ idea. One night while she was dancing naked in a cloud of incense, she looked down at the double lane  landing strip on her crotch and thought to herself that it would be really hot if her man had a matching one on the back of his head. RPattz better watch it, though. Because Michelle Rodriguez and Gerard Butler are going to try to lick and bump crotches with the cooch strip on his head.

It could’ve been a work of art, though. All RPattz had to do was leave a circle patch underneath that strip and he would’ve paid tribute to one of the most iconic perfumes of the late 80s and 90s.

It would’ve made a statement without saying a word.

Pics: Getty, Splash

It’s The 90s Again! Eminem Is Pissing People Off

I’ve known that the 90s are making a comeback, but now I really know that the 90s are giving us an encore performance, because Eminem rapped out some foolery that’s got people mad. Seen above looking like a plastic Fred Astaire figure melting in the sun at the WSJ Innovator Awards last week, The Real Slim Shady’s name is smeared all over headlines today for freestyle rapping about how he wants to punch Lana Del Rey in the face twice like Ray Rice. In a freestyle video called SHADY CXVPHER, 42-year-old Eminem inducted Llama Del Taco into the Celebrities That Eminem Has Shit On In A Song Club by dribbling out this oh-so-edgy-you-need-special-gloves-to-touch-it lyric (via Billboard):

But I may fight for gay rights, especially if they dyke is more of a knockout than Janay Rice/Play nice? Bitch I’ll punch Lana Del Rey right in the face twice, like Ray Rice in broad daylight in the plain sight of the elevator surveillance/’Til her head is banging on the railing, then celebrate with the Ravens

If you need to see and hear the whole video, here it is below and it includes a bit about Mah Boo Anderson Cooper having butt sex with a tuba.

But back to LDR, some say that The Slim Shady can have a seat in the back, because he’s downplaying domestic violence. Others say that he’s really making fun of Ray Rice and it’s just a joke. And others say that since it’s a freestyle, he’s just trying to be controversial like always and threw together a bunch of words that rhyme. If Eminem really didn’t want to get that much attention and didn’t want to say that he wants to punch out Lana Del Rey, here’s some other options that rhyme with “day“:

– a big pile of hay

– a bitchy manta ray

– lemon puree

– Marv Albert’s toupee

– Michael K

Lana Del Rey hasn’t said anything about this, but two years ago she fangirl’d over Eminem during an interview and in her song Ultraviolence she sings the lyric “he hit me and it felt like a kiss,” which is the title from a Phil Spector-produced song by The Crystals.  LDR probably won’t care, but if she does, then at least she knows that Azealia Banks will mouth punch The Real Slim Shady for her.

Thanks Azealia. Thanks for punching me in the face with the image of Eminem slobbering out a drool stream of Hot Pockets tomato sauce on his sister’s titty.

Kristen Stewart Says She Will Take A Break From Acting To Focus On Being An Artist

Don’t you have to actually do something to take a break from it? NO! That’s mean! Kristen Stewart is an excellent actress. I’ve never seen a performer with such a broad emotional range: bored, sullen, mopey, melancholy, bored, tired. Sometimes The Perpetual Apathetic Shrug Machine looks like she’s not acting by showing no emotion at all! She’s THAT good. She’s so good, she’s told USA Today (via Us Weekly) that she’s decided to take a break and let other actors have a chance at all the sullen teenager parts in Hollywood so she can focus on her true calling: ART!

“I’m taking some time off because I’ve been working for two years. I’m an actor and that’s my art form, and because I started that so young, I’ve always felt intimidated and insufficient when I think about other forms of art I want to create.”

“I’m going to take so much time off. I’m going to buy a live-work space in downtown L.A. and I’m going to make some [stuff] with my hands. Literally, I made that decision a few weeks ago. I’m making a short film. I’m making a bunch of stuff. I don’t know how I’ll put it out. But I’m not going to hold it so preciously close to me. I write all the time.”

Oh, we’ve read the kind of poetry you’ve been writing, KStew, and it’s a goddamn REVELATION. I sincerely hope she finds a way to merge some spoken word into her art, because the art world truly needs more eloquent emo teen WTF-ery like “One honest day up on this freedom pole“. Ooh, maybe she’ll sculpt an actual freedom pole? And if I know anything about art (and I do, since I spent 4 years of my life in art school), then that pole will be a giant dick. When in doubt, make it a dick! Dicks are ~deep~.

But I’m a little concerned for Hollywood. What will they do now that the human grimace is temporarily retired? I don’t think there’s anyone grumpy enough to fill in for KStew, besides Grumpy Cat (and that pussy is already being worked harder than a Kardashian at an NBA event). Kristen’s first art piece should be a mopey-looking wooden sculpture of herself that she can rent out to studios to fill in for her. It will be like she never left!

Katy Perry Got A Bunch Of Witches To Cast A Love Spell On Her During A Trip To Salem

Because she’s currently an edgy 13-year-old in 1996 who lives for The Craft, Katy Perry did like any rebellious Ouija-obsessed pentagram-wearing teen girl would do and snuck off to Salem during a trip to Boston this weekend. According to People, Katy participated in the Salem Witch Walk, visited the witch museum, and stopped by Salem’s oldest witch store, Crow Haven Corner, where they performed a witchcraft “love ritual” for her (I guess because her magic love rocks stopped working).

Crow Haven Corner didn’t elaborate on what was involved in their “love magic”, but I’m hoping they made sure all of the newt eyes and frog foreskins they used were 100% vinegar-free to avoid attracting any more douchebags. Not that it would matter; unless those three witches (who sort of look like the Chicos-wearing wine-drinking suburban mom version of The Sanderson Sisters) have the power to break the spell on Katy’s cursed pussy, she’ll still keep finding sleazy losers to make poor fuck choices with.

And I really hope that hot cream-colored chihuahua in the bow tie participated in the love ritual, even if he looks like doesn’t want anything to do with this mess. I know a shade-laced doggy side-eye when I see it! It looks like he’s thinking to himself “It’s too bad they didn’t have time to cast a live singing spell.” NO! Katy Perry has a beautiful live singing voice that doesn’t sound at all like an out-of-breath stray cat howling into an empty tuna can. If anything, those witches should be begging Katy for some of her gorgeous voice so they can resell it to tone-deaf angels and down-on-their-luck mermaids.

Pic: Facebook

Miley + The Flaming Lips + Lots And Lots Of Drugs = This Wreck

Here’s more proof that bad things happen when Miley Cyrus and Wayne Coyne from The Flaming Lips get together.

I thought that Wayne Coyne getting a janky prison tattoo of Miley Cyrus’ dead dog inked into his flesh was the worst decision involving Miley that he’s ever made, but he proved me wrong with this way-too-long acid nightmare of a movie that melted parts of my brain about 15 seconds in. This is Nancy Reagan’s new favorite movie and she wishes it would’ve come out in the 80s, because it’s the perfect anti-drugs PSA.

The video, which The Flaming Lips call “Blonde SuperFreak Steals the Magic Brain” and Guantanamo Bay officials call “our new favorite torture device,” starts out with a rejected John Waters character stealing JFK’s brain (which has the formula for LSD  in it) from a half-dead Miley. That first shot of a barely alive Miley drooling out foam is you while watching this video. Moby, who did himself like Pimp Mama Kris in her purest form, plays a cult leader who orders his minions, Lesbian Bigfoot and Nympho Manson Girl, to steal the glob of acid slime from Miley. Wayne described that mess like this to Rolling Stone:

“The video story is something like this: Moby is an evil, power-hungry cult leader. He wants the world’s most valuable (according to our story) psychedelic supernatural possession… John F. Kennedy’s brain….the brain contains the original formula for the drug LSD!!!

Miley Cyrus has the magic brain!!! And Moby enlists a nympho Manson girl-type blonde superfreak to go steel the brain from Cyrus.

She steals the brain from Cyrus while Cyrus is still in bed in a drug-induced coma. Cyrus finally wakes up and is mega-pissed that her BRAIN has been stolen. She enlists a burned-faced Santa and a lesbian Bigfoot ( that are hovering in a nearby spaceship) to hunt down the blond superfreak that stole her brain. They have a relentless pursuit, all the while Cyrus laments the loss of her magic brain and Moby gains powerful rainbows from hell. In the end, the blond superfreak kills Santa and Bigfoot and a baby mole ends up with the brain…”

The TL;DR version of Wayne Coyne’s description is: “I love drugs!”

This is something that a freshmen film major who thinks they’re the next David Lynch would make and edit while blindfolded and high on freon, because they really want to impress their professor James Franco.

If you really want to put your will to live to the test, watch the NSFWness below. If you make it past 10 seconds like I did, I’ll see you in the check-in area of Bellevue, because we obviously need serious help and shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions for ourselves.

Jared Leto Has Already Banged Up His Oscar Because He’s A Hardcore Rawk Star, Remember?

Watch out, Jennifer “So So Rill” Lawrence! There’s someone younger (errr…) and hungrier (definitely hungrier) coming for your ass down the Staircase of Realness and it’s Jesus’s high school dropout coke-dealer brother from Brooklyn, Jared Leto.

During his acceptance speech at the Oscars last Sunday, Jared Leto made sure to throw in a 30 Seconds to Mars reference to remind us that he may look like an actor on the outside, but on the inside he’s still a 15-year-old emo teen who totally hates his mom’s new boyfriend Darryl even though, yeah, whatever, he gave him a ride to Hot Topic last weekend. And because he’s like, totally chill and whatever, HuffPo says that he’s already fucked up his Academy Award. Oh man, so much realness:

“I was letting some of the people that I work with take a picture with the Oscar and I was carrying it down the stairs and, boom, I hit it against the stairs, the railing and I put a little nick in the back of it. So, you know, that’s how it goes. It’s already lived in, as they say.”

“Cause like, whatever, it’s just a stupid trophy, you know? Like, the real trophy is not letting society tell you how to live your life. I’m totally going to draw an anarchy symbol on in black eyeliner.”

Here’s more of Jared keeping it real at a Paris fashion show in one of your Mom’s favourite Target scarfs. And just for fun, let’s play a game called Spot The Parasitic Leech. I’ve hidden a picture that includes Terry Richardson somewhere below; see if you can find it! You’ll know you’re getting warmer when you feel like your soul is being molested.

(Pics: Wenn, Splash)