Vanessa Hudgens Hates The Internet

If it were up to Vanessa Hudgens, we’d all be staring at random live cats for hours hoping they do something funny and writing in our “SGM lkg 4 big peen” personal ads to the local newspaper, because the Internet would not be a thing that exists in real life! Correction: My ad would really read “SGM lkg 4 big penis,” because the word “peen” would not exist if it wasn’t for the Internet. If that isn’t a sad, I don’t know what is.

For some strange unknown reason, People Magazine (via Starpulse) asked Zac Efron’s former lipstick holder what she thinks the worst invention is. Vanessa didn’t say camera phones or the self timer button, Vanessa said THE INTERNET! Al Gore isn’t going to fap to Vanessa’s leaked naked pictures anymore!

“I know what the worst invention ever is. The internet. I think it’s ruining everyone, and it just makes everybody way too accessible – it just takes away the glamor and mystery from our business.”

Vanessa took the mystery from her business when she took a grainy picture of her furry pussy and e-mailed it out to whomever. Speaking of those pictures, Vanessa told The L.A. Times that she’s trying to move on from that shit even though someone keeps leaking more and more nudes, “The fact that somebody keeps bringing up the past is just selfish. I mean, it sucks. I already released a statement the first time it happened. It’s just unfortunate that it keeps reminding people about the past and not the present.”

Vanessa Hudgens has the acting skills of one of Zac Efron’s used makeup wedges, so 99% of her fame was built by her relationship (which was mostly documented on THE INTERNET) and those nekkid ass nekkid pictures (which were only seen on THE INTERNET). So if it wasn’t for the Internet, most of our brains would burp out a question mark at the sound of her name and the only job she’d have is dancing in the chorus of a production of High School Musical at Disneyland Iran. No Internet = No Vanessa Hudgens. Wait. Maybe the dumbass does have a point after all. SHUT IT DOWN!

Who’s Got A Coke Video Floating Around?

Last week, The Dirty posted a short clip of a possibly pre-rehab Demi Lovato showing us why she was named Disney University’s champion coke snorter. The clip was quickly yanked down the fun killers at YouTube and nothing has been heard of it since. Today, Radar delivered a blind-ish item that may or may not be about this supposed Demi Lovato coke snorting video. Their source says that it makes Miley Cyrus’ cinematic skip into the bong hole seem like it was sponsored by ABC Family (which it probably was). From Radar:

In the clip, a young brunette wearing a pink tank top and a black and white cardigan is seen sitting at a table lined with mounds of cocaine and rolled up $100 bills used for snorting.

“There is more than one famous person in the footage,” the source told RadarOnline.com.

Also appearing in the footage with her is a blonde girl and two young men, who at one point joke about using a one dollar bill rather than a hundred to snort a line. “Look how fucking high I am…I’m going to snort out of a fucking one!” one of the anonymous guys said.

“Please don’t do it,” the other guy said back, laughing.” You know how many n***ers have put their hands on that shit?!”

In the video, the table is littered with martini and shot glasses, among the countless lines of cocaine — which the party-goers both snort and swipe their fingers through.

Take that scene, now drop in Ashley Tisdale, Vanessa Hudgens, Demi Lovato, Zac Efron in a brunette wig, Noah Cyrus, Joe Jonas or anybody else who’s ever been blessed by the hand of Mickey and it would make sense. When you sign your name with virgin blood on a Disney contract, they hand you an orientation package that includes a Disney dollar coke straw, a “How to pose nekkid for your cell phone camera” tutorial taught by Daisy Duck and a morning after pill shaped like mouse ears. So it could be any one of them!

But Selena Gomez is not included that list, because she’s got Justin Bieber sitting on her lap and Child Protective Services would snatch him away if they find out she’s under the influence while babysitting him. Justin’s diaper is filled with dollar signs, so Pedolena isn’t going to chance it.

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Nick Lachey

Joey Fatone’s knead and squeeze dough sacks aside, Nick Lachey had one of the best boy band racks in the 90s and it looks like his succulent pectorals still have the power to temporarily turn me into a tits kind of gay. Even though Nick looks like he only eats Tubby Tustard, I still would. Send your judgments here.

Jessica Simpson’s former fart scent tester took a break from opening up his 98 Degrees royalty checks (“LOOK! They played ‘True To Your Heart’ in a soap opera in Croatia!” – Nick Lachey when looking at his check) to fly down to Mexico with his piece Vanessa Minnnilllolol. Okay, I never know how many Ls or Ns that girl has in her name (don’t make me Google) so I figured it’s better to give her more than less.

Nick and Vanessa are in Mexico to celebrate his 37th birfday, her 30th birfday and their new engagement. UsWeekly says that Nick sealed the deal with a $125,000 diamond ring. A $125,000 diamond ring that will fill Vanessa’s nostrils with the aroma of one of Jessica Simpson’s after eatin’ burps whenever it sparkles since her money bought that shit!