Category: True Blood

True Blood Is Ending Next Year After 7 Seasons

September 3, 2013 / Posted by:

The president of programming at HBO made coochies and b-holes frown today by saying that True Blood will have its series finale next summer. True Blood’s 7th season will be its last and that means they only have 10 episodes to show us as much vampire, wolf and fairy dick as possible.

“True Blood has been nothing short of a defining show for HBO. Together with its legions of fans, it will be hard to say goodbye to the residents of Bon Temps, but I look forward to what promises to be a fantastic final chapter of this incredible show.”

Some are screaming THANK LILITH, because they think True Blood should’ve died with that hot bitch Maryann, but I’m sad to see it go. Mostly because during the 6th season finale, they gave us a shot of Eric’s flaming vampire viking dick and I was really hoping for many, many more seasons of his flaming vampire viking dick. Eric’s flaming vampire viking dick should totally get a spin-off.

(Pic via CampBlood)

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The True Blood Season 6 Trailer Brought To You By Vampire Eric’s Nipples

May 4, 2013 / Posted by:

Here’s a new trailer for the sixth season of True Blood and what I’m taking away from this is that they’re still trying to make Billith happen, that hussy slut fairy Sookeh pulls in even more hot dick, they’re going to overload the memory box in my brain with even more new characters, Sarah Newlin is back, Alcide is topless (and hopefully mute) most of the time and there’s at least one scene featuring Vampire Eric’s nipples.

After the messy puddle of coagulated blood that was last season, I was hoping that they’d  simplify things for season 6 by only showing Eric and Alcide wrestle naked in slow motion for 10 episodes straight.

via The Hollywood Reporter

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Sookeh And Beeeeeeeeehl Had Twins

September 11, 2012 / Posted by:

On a recent night at Merlotte’s, Anna Paquin sprawled out onto the pool table and hollered out a chorus of orgasm moans as her body twitched and pushed out two ethereal orbs of light that turned out to be two fairy vampire babies. No, True Blood isn’t just a show. It’s also a documentary about fairy birth and Anna Paquin is a fairy in real life.

A rep for Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer tell People that after being knocked up for what felt like a quick second, Sookeh birthed out twins sometime recently.

“We can confirm that Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer recently welcomed their twins into the world. The babies were born a few weeks early, but are in good health and both Mom and Dad are overjoyed.”

The rep didn’t offer up a name or even say if Sookeh and Beeehl had two boys, two girls or one of each. I’m going to go ahead and guess that Sookeh and Beehl haven’t come up with names yet, because she’s been too busy trying to explain herself after the twins came out looking like this:

Eventually they’ll call them Eric Lafayette and Erica Pamara.

Christopher Meloni Might Be On True Blood Next Season

November 30, 2011 / Posted by:

Alan Ball’s never-ending quest to fill True Blood with more man meat than John Travolta’s Scientolohole continues. The True Blood men’s gym, where Pam cracks a whip at man pieces while they do a million crunches in between takes, is about to get another member. TVLine is saying that Chris Meloni is in talks to return to HBO where he can proudly get dick out nekkid without censors clutching their rosaries.

TVLine’s source says Chris might play an “incredibly powerful vampire” who is a major part of next season. HBO is closing their lips to this rumor.

Every time I blink, True Blood’s moved in a new damn character. Characters are falling out of the sky on that show. Bong smoke has eaten away most of the memory chip shoved into my dead brain, so I have a hard time keeping track of all those new bitches. BUTT! I will approve of this if Alan Ball does the right thing by casting Chris as Count Cockula, a powerful vampire who only wears a cape and can only receive nourishment from sucking on the dick veins of werewolves (see: Joe ManJello). What I’m getting at is that Alan Ball better not give us another hot piece who slobbers over Sookeh’s fairy pussy. I can’t.

Evan Rachel Wood Cut Her Hair

June 22, 2011 / Posted by:

If my fuck parts produced the L.A. premiere party for True Blood, ASkars, Joe Mangina-Jello and Ryan Kwanten (Beeehl and his soggy crepe-wrapped zombie face are not invited) would’ve shown up wearing only thongs made out of bloody vampire fangs and gold chains attached to each other’s nipples, and they would’ve gotten ALL THE ATTENTION. But since my fuck parts didn’t produce the L.A. premiere party for True Blood, those three showed up wearing wardrobe furnished by Pierre Cardin (Chuck Woolery shout out!). Instead, all of the attention went to Evan Rachel Wood and her Flowbee fresh haircut. BOOOO.

Evan Rachel Wood showed up looking like the Happy Hour-shift bartender at an L-Word themed bar and tells Popeater that she cut the locks that Marilyn Manson used to nibble pie bits out of, because she’s really androgynous.

“I grew up in love with David Bowie. So I was always into very androgynous things. Guys, girls… I’m into androgyny in general. I’m constantly changing, I’m constantly growing. I think I’m a little controversial? I just try and keep some mystery, so hopefully people can’t really put their finger on it.”

You know what I want to put my finger on? Her tongue, so she can shut up with that “I’M SO EDGY! I’M SUCH A PRINCE SONG! I’M SO NOW!!!” crap. Bitch is about as mysterious as a pus-filled wart on Paris Hilton’s labia. Bitch needs to change into a mouth gag and kindly sit down. Somebody needs to glamour A CLUE into that trick.

These little wet noodle hos think that if they chop their hair off and put on pants, they are suddenly the second coming of Tilda Swinton. Newsflash, bitch, looking like a recently divorced French teacher who came back from summer break with a “hot new” cut she got from the head stylist at MasterCuts is not EDGY. ……..wait. Since I put it that way, maybe this is edgy and new after all. Carry on, Evan!

Here’s a few more pictures from last night’s premiere. In case you haven’t been introduced yet: ERW, PAM!!!! with her husband, Ryan Kwanten, Joe Mangina-Jello, Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, ASkars, Carrie Preston with Michael Emerson, Sam Trammell with his wife, Deborah Ann Woll with her guest,

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Alcide From True Blood

June 21, 2011 / Posted by:

True Blood starts making genitals howl again this weekend and Joe Manganiello is selling that shit hard by flexing every single one of his rock hard ab biscuits in the pages of GQ Magazine. Yes, Joe Mangina-Jell-O probably keeps his fiancee up from doing crunches in his damn sleep and breaks her nails on his six-pack when he flexes too fast while she’s riding on top, but her insomnia and cracked Press-On nail is our gain!

Anybody who has ever licked on a He-Man action figure is probably making the “MY BODY IS READY POSE” in their cubicle like those half-nekkid ass models above.

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