Two Words: Feet Boots!

For those of you kinky bitches out there with sick foot fetishes who regularly have wet dreams about licking the hard boils between Mickey Rourke’s rubbery toes, these pictures goes out to you!

Chris Evans is playing Captain America, and he put on a pair of Buffalo Bill-approved feet boots to shoot several action scenes in Manchester, England today. Now you know what Madge’s podiatrist sees before he removes her skin to rotate the bones in her feet.

Here’s more of Chris walking around in his creepy ass prosthetic boots. Just focus on his watermelon arms (which could beat Vinny’s dick in a wrestling match) and everything will be okay.

Cher Shows Bitches How It’s Done

The dildo in the back of your office desk drawer (I know how you do) is more organic than Cher’s face and she needs the help of a puppeteer to move her mouth, but at 64 she still makes young whores run back to their high chairs to sit the hell down!

At last night’s VMAs, Cher proved that you don’t need to wear dresses made of tires, rain tarps and the back stock of a carniceria to get all spotlights on you. And you really don’t need 20 men to help your ridiculous ass get onto the stage. All you need is some mesh, a lot of chunky sequins and a Troy Polamalu wig made of silk yarn.

Cher tucked all her parts into her old “Turn Back Time” ensemble to present Video of the Year last night. Of course it went to Lady Caca, because that bitch won everything. And every time she gave one of her “love yourself” speeches, I felt like I was sitting in the back row at one of Tony Robbins’ self-help conferences.

These Two Are Doing It

Over at People, they have a grainy picture of Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez sucking the escargot chunks out of each other’s mouths on the streets of Paris over the weekend. Usually, women find themselves in the arms of Olivier after he seduced them off their bar seat and into an empty nearby bathroom stall. Then he sucks on your tongue and grabs at your titties before cumming into his palm, wiping it on the wall and then leaving you quivering at the loins wondering what just happened. Yes, I’ve watched Unfaithful way too many times on cable. Anyways, this is not how it happened with Halle. Halle and Olivier shot Dark Tide together in South Africa last month. And here they are now…

An onlooker (aka the pap who followed them all day) says that Halle and Olivier were all over each other the entire day, “They had their arms around each other as they walked. They were both smiling and laughing. Their body language was very flirtatious. They definitely seemed like a couple – absolutely looked like more than friends. It was the classic ‘I’m going to kiss you here in a dark corner’ move. And she was waiting to be kissed.”

LE BARF at that cheesy ass description! To be fair to Olivier, I’m sure he acts like that with 99% of his friends and possibly some of his distant relatives. And maybe a few cats he feels close to. It’s his way! You can tell. Dude is always saying “I will mouth smother you in a dark corner” with his eyes. But my guess is that this isn’t that serious. Halle is simply getting herself a piece of Olivier’s buttery crotch baguette.

Besides, there’s rumors that Halle is also humping on her ex Gabriel Aubry. If that’s true, I say get it. I also say that Gabriel now knows why Halle’s mouth always smells like a strange musky cheese….

James Franco Is Always Fapping

Wherever James Franco is right now, there’s a pretty damn good chance that his chonies are around his knees, his hand is hugging his peen and he’s jacking that shit FOR HIS LIFE. So if you’ve ever been lucky enough to shake hands with James Franco, you now know why he always feels so warm and tingly (lick your hand next time). Bitch is always making his peen barf as though it was his full-time job. Let your brain masturbate on that image for a while.

In Danny Boyle’s new movie “127 Hours”, James plays real-life mountaineer Aron Ralston who was forced to cut off his own arm after getting stuck under a boulder. While promoting the movie at the Telluride Film Festival in Colorado, James talked to the Hollywood Reporter and they asked him about the scene where Aron tickles his crotch rock while stuck under the rock. James said that Aron is a true gentleman so he never admitted or denied if that scene really happened. But James is not a true gentleman, so he answered the question (while massaging his wang, no doubt):

OK. You asked the question. [pause] I spend a fair amount of time alone, especially when I travel maybe to something like this or for work or whatever, but I’m in hotels a lot for a lot of my life. And I don’t mind it because I have a lot of stuff to do on my own. I have a lot of reading to do for school or whatever. [pause, laughs] You asked! So, when I’m alone, I do masturbate a lot. I don’t know why. It’s like you have those days where it’s just like, I have a ton of writing to do, or a ton of reading to do, and you’re just like, OK, I’m going to be on the couch all day or in bed all day just doing that… I tend to have a four- or five-time day. [breaks out laughing] So, I probably would have if I was stuck under a rock.

You know James is just being modest. 4 to 5 times a day? Double that and there’s your truth. James has given me a real gift, because now every time I see a picture of him I’m going to assume he’s either finding a way to jack it (examples: hole in pocket or using a vibrating peen sleeve) or thinking about jacking it. Let’s try this:

Verdict: Jacking it (the bear knows)!

Verdict: Jacking it.

Verdict: Thinking about jacking it (and oh is he thinking about it).

Verdict: And here I was thinking that James was actually sleeping in that picture. Nope, jacking it. This is where the vibrating peen sleeve played an important role.

It’s like a whole new world has opened up! A world where James Franco is masturbating non-stop! This is what Princess Jasmine was really singing about.

Like A Ladle Full Of Extra Sweet Honey

The City of Atlanta was glazed with a thick layer of glitter and the nectar from a million gay flowers (that’s redundant, right?) when the one and only Derek J sashayed through a gay pride party at Traxx on Saturday night. Any bitch walking directly behind Derek J suffered third-degree burns from the sparkly sparks jumping off the tips of his stilettos every time he stomped on the floor. And there’s power behind Derek J’s heels, because he could break down a chicken and roll a mound of silicone into a dildo with those legs!

Here’s more of the candy apple in heels giving bitches fever from the sight of his delectable titties and peek-a-boo nalgas. If you want to baste your eyeballs with even more of Derek J’s sticky sweetness, visit FreddyO.

Kelly Osbourne Takes It Off

If Kelly Osbourne’s skin was covered with molten Tang and she had tits the size of Cisco Adler’s slinky nutsack, I’d almost mistake her for England’s finest rose JODIE MARSH! And that is a comparison that every woman lives to hear. Blame it on the welfare weave and the “I wish this cig was your peen” look.

Ever since DWTS, Kelly has been dropping the chunk and now she’s so skinny that you just want to stick her ass in the mouth piece of your clarinet and play a song. It’s like all the weight traveled up to her head. Bitch looks like a delicious candy apple on a stick.

And what is one of the first things you do after you lose a bunch of weight? Put on sparkly ho shit and shake your pussy for every lord, of course. That’s what Kelly Osbourne did last night with the Pussycat Dolls, Robin Antin, Carmen Electra and Mya. And Mya really needs to settle down, because she’s starting to resemble that Giuliana DePandasass creature and that’s not a good thing.