Panty Creamer Of The Day: Brian Wilson In A Spandex Tuxedo

The Jheri curl beard on the face of San Francisco Giants’ Brian Wilson is usually the main attraction of his overall look, but at last night’s ESPYs in L.A. all eyeballs suctioned themselves to his Spandex tuxedo and matching pencil dick cane.

Brian’s Spandex tuxedo makes me wish it was possible for Richard Simmons‘ nipple leche to successfully fertilize a lesbian penguin’s ovary. It’s what it would look like if Fidel Castro hugged Klaus Nomi from the back.

Brian explained his mess of an ensemble to the Washington Post like this:

“It’s a onesie, so it has built-in gloves that are a little dirty because I’ve been getting a little awkward here on the carpet. And I’ve got my cougar cane — my ‘plus one’ tonight.

And the socks came in the fan mail from a San Francisco Giants fan. You know who you are, thank you. It said: ‘Enjoy.’ That was the letter. And I’m currently enjoying them. Ninja socks.”

My only problem with this is that when a dude wraps the Spandex around him, I expect to get the gift of a basket of bulge and Brian didn’t bring it. You’d think that his matching Jheri curl ball bush would make his crotch zone look like 4 hairy hamsters having an orgy under a Spandex blanket. Maybe he slicked that shit back for this formal occasion, But besides that, Brian’s Spandex tuxedo worked for all my senses right (except my sense of smell, because you know his taint reeked of rotten cheese curds marinating in a puddle of hobo sweat).

Looking Hot, Jude, Looking Hot

With a thin layer of bald head balm SPF slathered on his head, Jude Law proved that he’s the anti-Travolta by going toupee-free in Cannes yesterday afternoon. Jude is wig-free and loving it! I don’t blame the former hair citizens on Jude’s head, though. Would you rather be sitting on Jude’s head or would you rather uproot and mosey down south to sit next to his lucky penny areolas? Exactly.

Besides, that little powder puff of hair on top of his head is sort of cute. Some might see it as a ball of sad without any friends. Not Me. I see it as an afro wig for a giant’s clitoris. And who doesn’t love clit wigs?

On This Episode Of Tales From The Subway

This one has nothing to do with spaghetti, but it does star a speed reading piece of hotness in a periwinkle sweater and some fool who thinks he’s in a Spike Lee movie or some shit. Mr. Periwinkle shows us how one should behave on the subway when faced with a ho who insists that you show him respect by calling him…BLOODY LOCO.

How are you supposed to respect a dude who sounds like the junior high school nickname you’d give a girl who got her period at an El Pollo Loco. You know the lady with the thermos is like, “….the hell? Bloody Loco sounds like a complimentary brunch cocktail made from Bloody Mary mix and old cans of Four Loko.”

Meanwhile, Mr. Periwinkle knows how to turn a page! DAMN! We’d all hit it until we got bloody loco (I don’t know what that means either).

via Buzzfeed

Kay McCabe Gives Me Fever

My skin is almost the same shade as Matthew McConaughey’s after laying my eyeballs on these pictures of his mother Kay McCabe raising her dress (from Coldwater Creek’s Freak in the Streets Collection) and flashing her nude chonies at the Hollywood premiere of Abraham Lincoln Log Lawyer (or whatever the hell that shit is called) last night. Sometimes when there’s not a subway grate around for you to stand over, you have to create your own Some Like It Hot moment. The best part is that Kay served up her goodies while posing next to her son Rooster. Rooster is like, “Cock-a-doodle-don’t, mom!” But thank the hell she cock-a-doodle-did, because Kay definitely brought the heat. If this is what happens when you mix Metamucil and Four Loko, serve it to all of our grannies and grandpas!

A little warning though: you might want to cut eye holes in a fireproof blanket and throw it over your head before looking at all these pictures of Kay. Because if you don’t, the fire blowing off of Kay’s legs will leave you with the complexion of burnt Indian clay like Matthew McConaughey, and now me.

And believe it or not, other people actually showed up to last night’s premiere even though Kay is really the one who matters. In order-ish: Matthew McGreasyhey, Camila Alves, Frances Fisher, Miss Kay with Rooster and Ryan Phillipe.

Gary Busey Works The Pole

How bitches aren’t rushing the stage to slip cash between the God given money clip on Gary Busey’s ass is beyond me. They didn’t even shove a dollar under his fupa? Maybe they were too mesmerized by his twerks and thrusts to move? That’s it.

You know, besides Detective La Toya’s overall being and NeNe’s pursed side-eyes at everyone, Gary Busey and his “crazed preacher preaching to the coke choir” act is the best part of Celebrity Apprentice. I don’t even know what kind of words come out of his mouth half the time, but he still makes me clap like a reality whore in a fight. Gary is a true show man and he put his skills to good use at the Celebrity Apprentice cast party in Las Vegas on Sunday night. That stripper pole is almost as big as Gary’s toothbrush, so of course he knows how to work that shit like he’s trying to start a wave of heaves. BEHOLD:

Not a dry hole was left in that bitch! Yes, most of the holes were wet with a thin layer of vom, but still!

TRJLIHA (Thank Rojo Jared Leto Is Hot Again)

For a while there, Jared Leto was in an all-out war against his own natural hotness. Jared’s battle wounds of victory included his “Gay Raver Cockatoo on the Wrong E” look and his “If Susan Powter Mated with a Porcupine with a SamRo Obsession” look. But pull down your panties and Saran Wrap your monitor, because Jared has dropped his peroxide gun and raised a white flag in the form of this picture he Tweeted yesterday. VICTORY IS OURS! That ab gutter needs filling (I’ll leave it at that) and when his peen takes a break you can hump on one of those arm veins.

And Jared gets extra points for wearing a skirt that looks exactly like what the sluttier girls in my high school P.E. class turned their gym sweats into.

via JL.com (Thanks Kiley)