Stepford Katie & Suri Are At The Beach

The Scientology engineers must have water proofed Stepford Katie’s hard drive and GPS tracking system, because here she is frolicking in the ocean with Suri without worrying that her operating system will malfunction causing her head to spin while her audio box repeats the secret code tattooed on Tommy Girl’s Scientolohole that opens the door to his basement dungeon. While Tommy Girl is working the soles off his fuck me raw heels on the set of Rock of Ages, Katie and Suri sunned themselves on the paparazzi’s flashes on the beach in Miami yesterday afternoon. Only Suri wouldn’t care about ruining her $5,000 custom-made Prada beach gown.

And is it just me, or is Stepford Katie’s belly button getting thicker and thicker? It’s a peen head button! It’s like Tommy Girl is making her use a penis pump on her belly button so he has something girthier to ride with his ass during their monthly Scientology-appointed intercourse ritual. And by “like” I mean he totally is.

Suri Cruise Is The Imelda Marcos Of Her Generation

Suri Cruise is the daughter of a Scientology queen and a robot who played American royalty in a TV miniseries once, so you would automatically expect her to cover her precious princess feet with the finest shoes that Tommy Girl’s money can buy. And she does! That’s what Star Magazine (via news.com.au) says. A source says that Suri’s shoe collection is so massive and luxurious that it is worth more than some people’s three bedroom home in Santiago, Chile (everything I learned about the price of real estate I learned from HHI).

Warning: Get ready to feel whatever emotions one feels when finding out that selling a 5-year-old’s shoe collection could pay off your student loans. Apparently, Suri’s got a $150,000 shoe collection. The source put it like this:

“Suri has so many designer shoes. She’s a massive fan of Marc Jacobs and she’s had several shoes custom-made, so if they didn’t come with a heel, Katie had them redesigned for Suri. She commissioned a pair of Louboutins for her a while back. She cries if Katie reaches for anything but a little pair of sandals with some sort of heel.

It’s hard keeping up with a growing girl. Suri sometimes picks out the shoes her mum should wear, and then picks out shoes for her dad. They genuinely seem to value her opinion and want her to make her own decisions.”

Maybe it’s because Veruca Salt is my favorite Charlie and the Chocolate Factory character, but I don’t see the problem with this. If Katie and Tommy want to raise a spoiled snowflake who will eventually get arrested for slapping a Saks salesperson after they tell her they don’t have her size, let them! Zsa Zsa Gabor is this close to skipping up the crystal drops to heaven and she needs a diva successor! Suri is that successor! So I say, keep on being shit parents, Tommy and Katie. Keep on!

Besides, when Suri outgrows her heels, she can give them to Tommy since they’re just his size. Suri is not only helping the economy, but she’s also being green!

(Thanks Nelson)

Suri Cruise Is Magic

Not since the Empress of Lucite magically floated above sand on a bolt of lucite have I been in awe of a girl’s ability to skip along the sand in heels like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Suri’s daddy taught her well, because like him, she never takes her high heels off not even for the beach. At Joel Silver’s annual Memorial Day beach party in Malibu yesterday, Katie Holmes and Suri audited their practical Thetans away to frolic on the sand in heels while the beach goers threw them the same “….the hell is this?” look you throw at the Black Angus hostess when she asks if you have a reservation. But people just don’t understand!

If Suri ran out on the beach in bare feet, nobody would ever take her seriously as a fashion icon and slave to glamour again! Karl Lagerfeld would unfollow her on Twitter, Anna Wintour would stop asking her to approve the Vogue covers and Jimmy Choo would give away her private dressing room at their Beverly Hills store. Yes, Suri’s ankle bones are screaming “NOOOO!” the same way Tommy Girl’s prostate screams “NOOOO!” when he winks at a peen, but she has a reputation to uphold. As Suri said to her podiatrist when he told her that she’s going to have bunions before she turns 6: GLAMOUR HURTS, HONEY!

Katie, on the other hand, she’s just a dumbass.

Suri Cruise Is Over It

Or maybe she’s doing her “bring down the house” impersonation of Mr. Magoo. Nope.

Suri Salt is definitely mad and singing out “I Want It Now” with her eyes. This is why I don’t want kids, but it’s also the reason why I love kids. They just don’t give one simple fuck and will throw a full body, anxiety-summoning tantrum wherever and whenever. Suri Cruise had one of those when she was carried out of Il Cantonrini in NYC last night. Suri threw the same mean mug Tommy Girl throws at his shoemaker when his platform heels aren’t high enough. Suri is delivering a death eye that even Dionne Warwick would skee-daddle from.

Meanwhile, Katie Holmes and Tommy handled the situation by doing Scientology breathing exercises (aka put on a manufactured faux smile and remain clueless).

I’m not sure why Suri was mad. It could’ve been because of all the flashes, but then again it might have something to do with those pink UGGs on her feet again. When in doubt, blame UGGs.

Suri Cruise Is Not So Silently Judging This

Suri Cruise’s eyes might be saying “Isn’t this special?“, but her finger over her mouth is loudly screaming, “How. Tragic.” From Jim Toth looking like a shaved monkey getting his daily protein by nibbling the gnats out of Reese Witherspoon’s hair to Hello! Magazine erasing the Barbie from her dress, Suri is not amused. If People insisted on pushing Suri into the corner, they could’ve at least used a picture of Reese that didn’t make her look like the love child of Skipper and Mr. Potato Head getting assaulted by a Monchichi. No, she looks pretty. I’m just every flavor of bitter, because Jake Gyllenhaal should be the one with a veil on his head on the cover of People. And Reese knows it! That Ore-Ida chin of hers has got a dollop of smugness directed at JAKE! Something tells me Jake will be shouting a raw rendition of Whitney Houston’s “It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay“ at this cover today.

And here’s the newly married Reese at the ACMs in Las Vegas last night with RPattz! Either RPattz is stoned drunk or he’s trying to wrestle out a fart.

Katie Holmes Can’t Say “Penis”

While pushing that Kennedys miniseries on Ellen, Katie Holmes brought up the paparazzi picture of Suri Cruise holding a box of Penis Gummies at Serendipity in NYC. Most of figured that Suri was just being a mindful daughter by bringing her daddy something she always sees in his candy drawer. Stepford Katie says that she thought they were Swedish Fish at first and no she wasn’t making a Britt Ekland vagina joke. No.

Katie also couldn’t bring her lips to push out the word PENIS without spelling it letter by letter. Katie lets Suri wear high heels and takes her out at midnight, but yet she doesn’t want her to hear the word PENIS?! But you know, Katie has a really good reason for that. She knows that if she says “penis” out loud, there’s a really good chance the ground will shake, lube bottles will roll and Tommy Girl’s Scientolohole will come galloping out and chopping at the bit. Katie is just playing it safe. And here’s what she had to say about that box of Gummy Bear dicks (via HuffPo):

“Recently, I took her to get ice cream in New York at this place called Serendipity that we go to all the time. It’s for kids. The clientele is children. We go in and we are waiting for a table and she grabs some gummies that are boy part gummies. I was horrified.

They are called p-e-n-i-s gummies and they look like it. She was holding the box and I was like ok, wow we don’t need that right now. Because I thought if I said put that back and then she’s going to say, what is this? And I really didn’t want to have that conversation. I was like, why are selling these here? This is for kids. And then it was on the cover of a magazine that I’m giving her those gummies.”

Did anybody ever think that maybe Katie had no idea what a P-E-N-I-S looks like? It’s not like she runs into them all the time in her daily life. I bet one of her handlers had to pull her aside and give her “the talk” right there. It’s an honest mistake.