A Gift For Tommy?

No, this picture was not taken at the Scientology gift shop. It was taken a little after midnight today at Serendipity 3 in NYC. Stepford Katie’s internal screensaver (Tommy Girl slow dipping an L. Ron Hubbard hologram on a loop) must’ve kicked in before this picture was taken, because she has no idea that little Suri is holding a box of PENIS GUMMIES. And Katie’s head stayed in a state of hazy cluelessness for the rest of the night, because a rep for Serendipity tells the Daily Mail that one of Suri’s slaves paid for the box of fruity flaccid peens before they left.

You know, I’m still waiting for the moment when Yoko Ono takes off her Suri Cruise suit and reveals that this has all been part of an elaborate performance art piece. The high-heels. The pacifier addiction. The Penis Gummies. Even Noah Cyrus is saying, “….too much…too much.”

And yes, Serendipity (more like Serendickity) sells dick candies. Save me a place in line.

Cue The Pacifier Outrage!

When I was in the third grade, my dentist kindly took my mother aside and told her that if I didn’t stop sucking my thumb like its pores secreted Pixy Stix sugar, my mouth would look like a weathered piece of wood with rusty crooked nails stuck in it. Like a horse who just sucked off a chainsaw. Just all kinds of fucked up. And I had it bad too. I used to sneak in a quick thumb suck under my desk when nobody was looking and ask to go to the bathroom so I could suck some more (insert your “some things STILL never change” joke here). But I agreed to work on my thumb sucking addiction when my mother told me that it would affect my future social life and I’d have to use a map to brush my teeth. They give me a golf glove to wear and I was cured a week later! So because of this, I feel like I can’t fully judge Suri Cruise for still using a pacifier at the age of 4.

Who cares if she’s dressed like Charlotte from Sex and the City and has a binky in her mouth?! Who cares if she probably replaces that pacifier with a bottle when she gets home?! Who cares if she’s going to have summer teeth (summer pointing to the side, summer pointing down…)?! Who cares if she’s going to be that girl in high school with 8 inch stilettos on her feet and a diamond encrusted Cartier pacifier in her mouth?!

Stepford Katie doesn’t give a Tommy Girl jizz dingle so why should we? Although, she probably doesn’t notice since the words “WHY ME!?” that constantly flash in her eyes block most of her view.

That being said, Suri needs to design her outfits around that pacifier. Suri should get some wide leg JNCO jeans, a Cookie Monster t-shirt, candy bead necklaces and some Muppet fur platform boots. RAVER SURI!

Here’s more of Raver Suri with her two assistants (including Katie) in Vancouver yesterday afternoon.

“I Wish You Into The Cornfield!!!”

Suri really needs to use her powers for good and turn around and wish Stepford Katie’s cardigan back into your grandmama’s closet. Seriously, your grandma’s shivering and shit on Tanksgiven. That ain’t right. You know what else isn’t right? You throwing out a million “SURIZ GONNA GIT DAT NAMONIAZ!” comments at this picture of the Cruise girls (sans Tommy) buying flowers in L.A. yesterday. A sweater would eff up Suri’s entire silhouette, okay?! Suri will freeeeeeeeeze for fashion. I mean, somebody in that family has to represent since Katie sure as Xenu isn’t!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Star Magazine has grappled up to another spot on the mountain of infinite fuckery with this “The Princess & The Tomboy” cover starring Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. According to them, Suri is a spoiled snowfake who never gets told “NO” and gets to eat cupcakes whenever she wants. And on the other side, Shiloh wants a dead animal zoo and decapitated all of Zahara’s dolls one day. Basically, Star is trying to tell us that in about 20 years, Suri and Shiloh will star in a remake of Big Business.

A Costume Fit For A Fancy Scientology Princess

Do you really expect 4-year-old Suri Cruise to wear an ordinary princess costume from Rite-Aid or one of the sequined gowns from Tommy Girl’s “role play closet” down in his dungeon (that would be HIGHLY inappropriate for many reasons I am not going to list here) for Halloween? If that happened, the volcanic tears from Xenu would fall onto Earth. Nobody wants that, especially Suri. So because of this, Stepford Katie and Tommy are having a one-of-a-kind princess gown made for Suri using real diamonds. Go look at the balance on your checking account right now. Add a zero or two and that’s how much this mess is going to cost.

A source tells InTouch (via SFGate), “It’s more than a month away, but Suri already has her fairy-princess gown and will be wearing diamonds with her costume. Tom spent more than $6,000 on the dress, which features a tulle skirt and pearl embroidery.”

With all due respect to Suri, fuck her $6,000 Toddlers & Tiaras dress. It will never compete with the bee costume my abuelita made for me in the third grade. Yes, the wings were wonkier than Parasite Hilton’s eye after a glaucoma test and it was so short and tight that I’m pretty sure I had baby moose knuckle, but I still won fifth place in the costume parade!

And you know that after Suri Cruise goes trick or treating in her giant mansion (Suri knocks on the doors of every room and her servants answer holding a bowl of diamonds), Tommy Girl is going to steal her princess dress and add it to his collection. RIGHT: Tommy Girl isn’t.

Nobody Is Safe From Tim Gunn!

Tim Gunn has been on fire lately and slaying ho after ho after after ho! Bitches better hide behind the drawbridge, because it’s only a matter of time before Tim Gunn spits out a fire ball of truthery at you!

Tim has already put Taylor Momsen’s ass in a chair after he called her a “pathetic brat” and made the Salahis question their life choices when he said they were sociopaths. Now Tim has pulled out the cuntified tongue sword in his mouth and lashed it at legendary fashion icon SURI CRUISE! Suri better pull her hair back into a pony tail, put on her scrappin’ heels and grease up her Thetans, because Tim is coming at her hard.

It all started when Tim turned Lindsay Lohan’s ginger hair to ash while blasting her on Access Hollywood Live yesterday:

“Mr. Ungaro is dead and God knows he must have been rolling over in his grave, but I thought, this is one of the last couture houses left in this entire world. Lindsay Lohan is the creative director? How absurd is that! It would be like asking, I don’t know, like, asking Suri Cruise to pilot a fighter jet.”

(FYI: Suri can’t pilot a fighter jet, but she can strike a faaaaaabulous pose while standing next to one and that’s a better skill to have.) And then Tim put a fart in L. Ron Hubbard’s eye when he called Suri a victim of fashion:

“Suri is, she’s her mother and father’s dress up doll and I feel in many ways she’s a fashion victim and it’s just very inappropriate. I think it’s unsafe too. She’s a little kid and [she’s] tottering around on these stilettos or quasi stilettos. It’s really inappropriate and I feel bad for her in a manner of speaking.”

The platinum half helmet on Tim Gunn’s head can almost protect him from anything, but I’m still concerned. Suri Cruise is the most powerful woman in the world (next to Joan Collins, of course) and she might have the power to end Tim Gunn with just one call. So Tim better sleep with a Nerf Gun filled with anti-depressants under his bed in case Tommy Girl sends his goons after him. And we need Tim to stay safe so he can continue to brighten our lives with shiny truth gems.