Lock Up Your Granddaughters, Morgan Freeman Is Single!

The man who could make your bowel movements seem interesting by narrating them is no longer wearing a wedding band and is officially single. A judge in Mississippi stamped a DIVORCED label in red on Morgan Freeman’s marriage of 26 years to Myrna Colley-Lee. Morgan and Myrna actually quit each other in 2007, but she didn’t file for divorce until a year later, just days after he got into a car accident with a lady friend of the family. Yup, even God experiences car head gone wrong.

The details of Morgan and Myrna’s divorce have been sealed by the court, but Morgan’s lawyer tells E! that settlement negotiations went smoothly. Oh, I bet the last Strawberry Shortcake Bar in my freezer that it went smoothly. Myrna sashayed into the office of Morgan’s lawyer in her favorite red suit and demanded that he keep her burgundy Cadillac shiny or she’ll start singing about his Woody Allen ways to the media.

If you have no idea what I’m going on about, then maybe it’s better that way. I don’t want to ruin The Bucket List for you. Oh, okay. Let’s go over this again even though it’s as pleasant as pissing when you’ve got a boner.

The National Enquirer ran a story last year claiming that then 72-year-old Morgan has been secretly getting it on with his then 27-year-old step-granddaughter E’Dena Hines for 10 years. There were even rumors that Morgan and E’Dena were planning on getting married. This has always been filed under the “rumor” category since Morgan or E’Dena have never admitted it. It’s just something we whisper and laugh about whenever they walk by. But now that he’s no longer a married pepaw, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him and E’Dena browsing the bridal section at Justice.

Chelsea Handler Isn’t Getting On This Anymore

Chelsea Handler used to spend most of her nights wearing a lion mask and trying to scratch at Animal Planet’s Dave Salmoni while he tamed her wild pussy, but not anymore. Chelsea has hung up her lion head for now and is no longer nibbling on Salmoni’s salami. On her show last night, Chelsea pretty much announced that she has demoted Dave from full-time to occasional temp for whatever reason. Chelsea put it like this:

“Up until a couple weeks ago, I was working very intimately with the Animal Planet, but unfortunately, that contract was terminated. However, I enjoyed being in bed with them and may hook up for an occasional project.”

Oh, Chelsea shouldn’t give up on Animal Planet just yet. Yes, Dave handles lions in the wild and has a body that was built to be slobbered on, but obviously he wasn’t strong enough to take on Chelsea (or her morning vodka breath). Screw him! And screw the other dudes on the network too. Literally.

I’m convinced that the dudes on that network are all serious freaks. Take Cesar Millan for instance. Cesar is dominant during the day, but I bet he’s the opposite when the lights go out. Like he probably makes you poke at his peen and go “TS TS TS” before getting on him. And he loves it when you scream “Who’s the pack leader now, bitch” while you’re spanking on him as he’s running on the treadmill. Freaky ass freak! And he’s single! Yeah, Chelsea should definitely call him up.

Here’s Chelsea bringing that quote to life last night:

That’s That: Tiger & Elin Are Officially Divorced

Tiger Woods no longer has to worry about cleaning his mistress’ pussy juices off of his wandering peen in the sink of a gas station before he comes home, because now that he’s divorced he can proudly do all of his ho shit out in the open! Elin Nordegren’s lawyer issued a statement to People confirming that her marriage to Tiger is now lying next to Mindy Lawton’s used tampon in the parking lot of a Waffle House.

“We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.

Once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern.”

Elin and Tiger battled it out behind closed doors before they filed for divorce, so nobody knows the details of her settlement. The rumor is that Elin is rolling around in a bed covered in at least 100 million dollar bills. A source also says that Tiger and Elin will share custody of their two kids.

This is a triumphant day for Elin, and you might think this is also panty creaming news for cocktail waitresses in the Orlando area, but it’s not. Gold digging hos are crying, because the days of getting five figures from The Insider for an “I Fucked A Married Tiger Woods” interview are over. Now that he’s single, boning Tiger will only get you an appointment card at the free clinic.

These Two Broke Up Again

There’s good news for you hos out there who love it when your man gently taps your bare snatch with a taxidermy platypus (I’ve heard things), because Marilyn Manson is yours for the taking now that he’s no longer spreading his clown make-up all over Evan Rachel Wood’s inner thighs. Yeah, Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn have broken up yet again. This is what People is saying anyways.

The newly single Manson, 41, then hit the town Saturday night, dining at L.A’s STK and clubbing at next door Boudoir with a group including a brunette named Twiggy and former Playmate of the Year Colleen Shannon.

“They just broke off their engagement, and he needed a night out with friends,” says another source.

Evan Rachel probably got fed up with Marilyn fake crying in the bathroom while trying to cut the lyrics to a Cure song into his arm with a plastic butter knife whenever she threatened to change the channel from The Munsters. And Marilyn got sick of Evan waking up every morning, staring at his face and then punching at her eyes before mumbling to herself, “You dropped ASkars for that?!”

The last time Evan and Marilyn ended things he paid tribute to their love by bludgeoning her look-alike to death in a video, so I wonder what he’ll do this time. Eh. Even Marilyn probably knows he’s getting too old for this shit, so I’m sure he’ll just bludgeon a cherry pocket pie with his mouth instead. Good move.

Thomas Jane And Patricia Arquette Are Trying The “Getting A Divorce” Thing Again

Early last year, Thomas Jane (the pier hobo above) and Patricia Arquette decided that they were sick of looking at each other’s genitals every morning so they filed for divorce. A few months later, they both thought to themselves “You know, I miss seeing that bitch’s genitals every morning” so they got back together. Well, now they are back to needing a different set of genitals in their lives, because they have filed for divorce AGAIN. Thomas Jane’s spokesbitch issued this statement to People:

“The split is completely amicable and their prime focus is their daughter. They ask that their privacy be respected at this time.”

That means Thomas will now spend his days trying to erase the memories of Patricia by remodeling the home they once shared together. Then when his house burns down, he’ll live in a tent in the backyard and sell his Grade A dick on the side to make ends meet. Yes, I’m still watching Hung, but only because I’m still hoping that during an episode in the future they’ll finally give me what I came for: HUNG DICK! I’ll even take a prosthetic at this point! I’m that hard up.

Well, They Did Give It A Month

After only one month of marriage, Johnathon Schaech, the former Mr. Christina Applegate who made my tongue sweat in that Quilt movie, and One Tree Hill star Jana Kramer have decided to dissolve their marriage in the toilet like it’s a damn Alka-Seltzer tablet. This is why shit like marriage and vibrators should come with a 30-day no questions ask return policy. If they no longer make your genitals throb or the pores on your nalgas burn up, you should be able to take your spouse to the customer service department and easily return them just by filling out your address on a receipt. Done, and have a nice day.

Johnathon and Jana got engaged late last year and married on the Fourth of July. Jana’s spokeswhore confirms this mess to Life & Style:

“Jana and Johnathon have agreed to dissolve their marriage. Jana is humbled by the outpouring of support from her fans, friends and family, and appreciates the respect of her privacy.”

Jana’s rep didn’t give any reason as to why their marriage quickly corroded like Johnathon’s face has over the years. But some source has the answer. They told Life & Style, “Jana is a good 14 years younger than Johnathon. She moved in with him within six months or less of dating. She really didn’t like living there. It was his bachelor pad and just not enough space for the both of them.”

Um. Jana and Johnathon have obviously never laid eyes on the basic cable gem called House Hunters on HGTV. They will help you find a house that best suits the needs of you and your court-approved fuck partner! Jana really needs more people if the relationship really ended because of their age difference and living situation. Did Jana recently learn basic math and regain her eyesight? There has to be a real reason. Maybe Jana was clearing the back of his closet and found a pair of CROCS (aka devil hooves). Or maybe Johnathon said “ewww” when she asked him to lick her culo after slurping on her clit. Now those are VALID reasons for divorce.