Aaaaand It’s Over

A few weeks ago, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston conjured up a wave of eye rolls by declaring their recycled love for each other on the cover of UsWeekly. While Bristol and Levi counted their cash on the table, they said something about how they were getting married soon…blah…barf…blah. But cancel the taxidermy wedding cake topper, because Bristol has run off to People to tell them that the wedding is dead! Bristol has quit Levi, because she says he’s more interested in humping the spotlight than humping on her.

Speaking from her glass house while holding a giant pot, Bristol said, “It’s over. I broke up with him. The final straw was him flying to Hollywood for what he told me was to see some hunting show but come to find out it was that music video mocking my family. He’s just obsessed with the limelight and I got played.

Through this whole experience I know I need a man who’s going to be completely honest with me and someone who loves me and Tripp and wants to be with him all the time. I also want someone who has religious beliefs and a good family.”

What Bristol is really trying to say is that they expected to get a 6-figure reality show deal out of this charade. But when the only deal that landed in their inbox was for a pack of Pampers per episode from Wasilla Public Access, Bristol said fuckit and bounced.

And Bristol needs to stop it with this “I got played” shit. The only bitch here that got played is me, because I’m writing about it! You got played too, because you’re reading about it. Hell, the only bitches that aren’t getting played are Bristol and Levi. All of us should be on the cover of People with the tagline, “WE GOT PLAYED!”

Steve Carell Quits That Bitch

Steve Carell confirmed to The Ausiello Files that he is done with The Office and next season will be his last. Steve said that even if they tuck millions of dollars into his ass cheeks, he’s still going to leave. He said, “I want to fulfill my contract. I think it’s a good time to move on. I just want to spend more time with my family.”

I’ve never seen one episode of The Office, so I don’t know if the show can go on without him. Let me try to relate with those of you who watch this shit.

If Viki Lord Burke Riley Buchanan Carpenter Davidson Banks from One Life to Live died (because there’s no way she’s ever leaving that show by choice), the show would not go on without her. There would be zero lives to live, because life is not worth living without Viki. So if Steve Carell is the Viki Lord of The Office, then I guess it will die without his ass. Well, unless Heather Locklear replaces him as the lead, because she can save almost anything and she looks really hot in business woman clothes.

Are The Black Eyed Peas About To Be Fergie-Less?

The Black Eyed Peas, who really need to stop huffing burnt plastic while watching Tron, may be on the lookout for a new female member soon (Martika, brush the dust off your headshot), because Radar says that Fergie Fugs is about to piss on out of there. A source says that Will.I.Am is more like Will.I.Am.An.Asshole and this makes Fergie want to chew on a meth pipe. The source also said that she kind of wants to start making babies, so she feels now is the time to stop being a Pea.

BEP will tour the summer and dates have already been scheduled for early next year, but apparently Fergie will not be joining them on the second leg. The source added, “Things have gotten really bad with Will.i.Am. And it’s not just Fergie who is clashing with him. So is the rest of the band. His ego is out of control. Fergie just wants to get away from the whole thing. And she really wants a baby with Josh. Between that and the bad blood with Will, it looks like the 2011 tour is in big trouble and she’s saying she’s going to split for good.”

Fergie already had a successful solo album and Will.I.A. does seem….Oh, you know what? Who gives a fucking meth mark on an ass cheek about this shit! Watch this video of a pepaw passed the hell out on a recliner on the back of a pick-up instead.

You know, this old dude should totally replace Fergie. And the driver should be their opening act.

Al & Tipper Gore Broke Up!

Al & Tipper Gore, who practically dry humped each other throughout his campaign, have announced that they are going their separate ways after 40 years together. Those of you who had all your money on Hillary putting Bill on the curb first just lost! Politico says that Al and Tipper announced they were quitting each other via this e-mail:

“We are announcing today that after a great deal of thought and discussion, we have decided to separate.

This is very much a mutual and mutually supportive decision that we have made together following a process of long and careful consideration. We ask for respect for our privacy and that of our family, and we do not intend to comment further.”

Tipper was probably sick of lying in bed alone at home while Al was off masturbating all over his whores (aka Global Warming, the Internet, Gaia, etc…). It won’t be long before that homewrecking whore Global Warming is on The Insider crying about how she didn’t intend to hurt anyone. And don’t be surprised when you read about Al’s sext messages to Gaia in Life & Style.

The silver lining is that Al Gore can now shake his ass to 2 Live Crew in peace.

Tiger Woods, Vanilla Gorilla, And Now Matt Lauer

Tiger Woods and Vanilla Gorilla might have found the third piece to complete their manslut trinity! Lock up your vaginas, because the Three Whoremigos are coming! Maybe. Possibly. That’s if you believe the National Enquirer (via Radar). They are shouting from the top of the sex rehab clinic that Matt Lauer and his wife of 12 years Annette haven’t lived under the same roof in 2 months.

Apparently, Annette believes that Matt passed his peen all around Vancouver while he was covering the Winter Olympics last February. Basically, every time Johnny Weir threw Evan Likesdadick a shank eye, Matt Lauer was sticking it in some random piece. That’s a lot of pieces.

A wife of another staffer whispered in Annette’s ear about Matt’s trampy ways in Vancouver. Matt was spotted “canoodling” with at least two female broadcasters. Annette’s suspicions reached a fever pitch when Matt stood her up on Valentine’s Day, because he wanted to stay in Vancouver instead. Matt denied the accusations when Annette confronted him, but she still thinks something in the milk ain’t clean (hint: it’s herpes).

This wouldn’t be the first time Matt dipped his dong on the down low. He reportedly cheated on Annette just a few months before they got married. In 2006, Annette filed for divorce, but canceled that shit after one month.

A source tells the Enquirer, “Matt is trying to keep this [split] on the down low. Matt is still very involved in his children’s lives. He goes to the family apartment after he finishes his Today duties to see the kids – and picks them up from school. For their sake, he and Annette plan to continue getting together on weekends – and they’ll go to their house in the Hamptons.”

I believe this, because Matt looks like the type who will pick up a chick in a bar and finger her in a bathroom stall (while still wearing his wedding ring) without even buying her a drank! Then he goes home and sweetly holds his wife’s face with his trick’s snatch syrup still glistening on his finger.

Matt is kind of dude who asks his trick to give him a beej in the cab and then immediately gets out afterwards leaving her with the fare. Then he goes home and tells his wife he forget to shake after going pee pee which is why he’s got a wet spot on his crotch area.

You know that bitch. Hell, you were probably the slut in the cab!

Brit Brit And Jason Trawick Are Fucking Done…Professionally

Since pretending to date Our Lady of Cheetos is embarrassing enough, her boyfriend Jason Trawick has turned in his resignation letter as her main TV agent. Jason had to write his resignation in horsey sauce on the back of an Arby’s sandwich wrapper so Brit Brit would pay attention it. And she did so now Jason is strictly nibbling on Brit Brit’s Double Down and nothing more.

Brit Brit’s spokeswhore tells People: “The two have decided to end their professional relationship and focus on their personal relationship. Since wrapping her recent world tour, Spears has been busy in the studio working on her next album.“

This is for the best. The last thing Jason needs to hear while he’s picking Brit Brit’s weave gnats out of his nostrils in bed is her whining about how he should get her a role on Mama’s Family. Jason won’t dare tell Brit Brit that Mama’s Family is dead, because then she won’t ever get out of her hamburger bed again.