Liza’s In Rehab

In a rehab facility in Malibu somewhere, international treasure Liza Minnelli will stand up in front of a group of people and say, “My name is Liza with a Z and I’m alcoholic,” before she gets up on a chair and does a few minutes of “Mein Herr.” (This is how it happens in my head) Both People and TMZ say that Liza jazz walked into rehab a few days ago to deal with her addiction to the sweet nectar. This isn’t her first time in rehab. She’s done rehab a few times. Liza’s rep says that she’s doing really well and may leave in the next few days. Her rep also said this:

“Liza Minnelli has valiantly battled substance abuse over the years and whenever she has needed to seek treatment she has done so. She is currently making excellent progress at an undisclosed facility.”

You can do it again, Liza! You were married to David Gest for 16 months. You can do anything.

I was talking to my friend, who is a grown gay, about this on IM and I brought up how Judy Garland overdosed when she was just 47 and he said, “What the fuck does Judy Garland have to do with this?” And I said, “Um, is this a joke?” And he said, “No. What do you mean?” And I said, “Judy Garland gave birth to Liza, you fucking dumbass!” And he said, “Oh, I didn’t know they were related.” What in the hell kind of grown gay doesn’t know that? How dreadful. As soon as he said he didn’t know that, he told me he was going to log off and jack off to some hot chicks on Brazzers. Yup, admitting out loud that you didn’t know that Liza is Judy Garland’s daughter instantly turns you straight.

UsWeekly also mentioned that Liza was offered $500,000 to join Celebrity Rehab in 2010. Thank God she didn’t do that. Some of us would have had to turn to the bad shit to deal with watching a Hollywood legend on a Vh1 reality show with Dr. Drew.

Scott Disick Has Gone Off To Rehab In Costa Rica

UsWeekly says that The Slow One’s baby father and professional partier Scott Disick has gone off to a holistic rehab facility in Costa Rica to dry out and kick his thirst for the sweet nectar. Just in time for the new season of Krapping Up The Kartrashians!

TMZ says that Scott spent his weekend in Atlanta City pouring tequila shot after tequila shot into his mouth hole and ended up stumbling barefoot out of the hotel at 8 in the morning. Having been to AC a few times, I thought that was what pretty much everyone did there. But I guess Scott does it often so he has shipped himself off to the Rythmia Life Advancement Center in Costa Rica (plug plug plug!). Scott has already released a statement to TMZ:

“I realize my issues are bigger than me and I’m ready to truly remedy this struggle I continue to battle.”

“We feel your pain,” said Lamar, Rob and Bruce.

Scott tells TMZ  that he’s not using the usual methods to treat his booze addiction. Scott is going to do the Iboga treatment. I saw that shit on an episode of Vice. You basically drink the stuff and vomit and shit out all of your insides for 15 hours in a dark room while dudes play the drums. People hallucinate and freak out. The effects are probably very similar to the effects one goes through after seeing a Pimp Mama Kris sex tape

The Iboga treatment seems like a trip to Hell, but Scott has spent a lot of time with the Kartrashians and if he can survive that, he can survive almost anything.  I’m sure we’ll learn all about Scott’s treatment on the season finale of KUWK. Somewhere, PMK is probably celebrating getting a season finale cliffhanger by ordering a $50,000 bottle of champagne which she’ll pay for with some of the money Rythmia Life Advancement Center gave her to plug them.

Nick Gordon Has Checked Into Rehab

Every police officer in Georgia investigating Bobbi Kristina Brown’s unconscious bathtub situation just pulled a Bianca Del Rio-style “You shady bitch” face. TMZ says that Nick Gordon, Bobbi Kristina’s former sort-of brother/pretend husband/current shady boyfriend has checked himself into rehab. And no, not for his addiction to tacky, tasteless tattoos.

It all started earlier this week during a taping of Dr. Phil with Dr. Phil in Atlanta. Nick thought it was just a regular interview, which led him to dramatically admitting that he’s talked about committing suicide if Bobbi Kristina doesn’t come out of the coma she’s been in for the past 35 days. As it turns out, the “interview” was actually more of an intervention staged by Dr. Phil and Nick’s mother. Nick’s episode of Dr. Phil doesn’t air until next Wednesday, but we don’t need to wait that long to know that he agrees to get help and shuffles off to rehab. TMZ says he’s getting treatment for drugs.

Bobbi Kristina’s current situation is already the definition of sad, and I honestly didn’t think it could get any worse when it was announced that her bottle-fighting family was filming a reality show, but taking your tears to Dr. Phil? That just added 8 new layers of stink to this mess. And I hope the second Nick Gordon arrived at rehab, they ushered him into a special wing designated for seriously poor decision makers.

Pic: Instagram

Denzel Washington Went To Rehab Because He Spent A Month Partying His Face Off On A Booze Cruise

Denzel Washington spent the month of July on a yacht with his wife rippin’ and tearin’ and guzzling down booze like a human funnel and channeling a 1994 spring break and just generally living the dream. Literally a tear fell from my eye when I pictured waking up every morning for 30 days on a million-dollar yacht and doing nothing but dry humping margaritas till I fell asleep on a pile pool noodles. But apparently the shame sector in Denzel Washington’s brain is still functioning (mine dried up the second I drank an entire 2L bottle of Chi-Chi’s Mexican Mudslide) because TMZ says that the second the boat docked, he got out and took a taxi straight to rehab to dry out.

A source close to Denzel claims that the actor spent the past two weeks detoxing at a residence in Orange County after he pumped his veins full of the good shit, the bad shit, and everything in between. Apparently it wasn’t just for booze; Denzel was there to cleanse his body of “toxins”, and was working with a chef, a trainer, and a nutritionist to do so. After two weeks in the ‘hab, he’s out and back to his regular old self.

Who knew that Denzel Washington was such a party animal?? I always thought he was a serious quiet gentleman who read leather-bound books and took Italian cooking classes and took piano lessons in his spare time. Turns out you put the dude on a boat with a couple of Mai Tais, and he turns into a Lohan-level MESS.

And I like that Denzel went to rehab for something that all of us do during the months of July and August anyway. Sure, maybe we don’t rent a yacht, but the second the clock hits 11:59pm on June 30th, you, me, and everyone else with low immune systems catches Summer Fever and we don’t stop guzzling the sweet stuff till Labor Day. Right? It’s not just me? Please tell me it’s not just me. “It’s just you trick” – the bottle of ‘daytime’ sangria in my fridge.

SHOCKING: Crack-Smoking Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Was A Giant Mess In Rehab

In an article that could have been written by Doge and titled: “Wow, much mess, so surprise”, The Toronto Star claims that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, was a dumb destructive asshole during his two-month stay in rehab. According to several sources, the human version of ham smell spent most of his time at the GreeneStone rehab facility acting like the sweaty, bloated, grown-up Costco-sized version of Justin Bieber by terrorizing other patients, and not just with his rancid fried chicken farts (but I mean, come on, those were probably an issue too):

During the morning group sessions, where residents are encouraged to share their deepest secrets, Ford was abusive to other residents, shouting them down, refusing to listen, swearing constantly, sources told the Star.

In the hallways and common areas, Ford argued, pushed and shoved other patients who were angry that Ford had “brought his circus with him,” sources said.

“We are not paid enough to deal with this guy,” one counsellor remarked during a conversation with another counsellor.

“Rob Ford literally had the run of the place. There were no rules around Rob Ford,” said another source.

And even though he was at GreeneStone, he might have still been trying to score that white rock:

Management was concerned Ford continued to use drugs or alcohol during his time in rehab. The Star was unable to determine if Ford abused any substances during his two month stint.

GreeneStone’s wooded property has a well known “nature walk” and a concern of staff is that some residents meet their drug dealers or people providing alcohol at the far end of the walk.

Walk? Far? Oh, never mind then. He definitely wasn’t getting any drugs from his dealer. But he was clearly on something! I bet it was animal tranquilizers. That crafty crackie probably wandered around rehab naked hoping someone would mistake him for an albino grizzly bear and call animal control. Then he’d sit back, relax, and wait for the drugs to be delivered directly into his neck via tranquilizer dart.

Shia LaBeouf Is Probably In Rehab Right Now

After getting escorted out of Cabaret in handcuffs for slapping asses and smoking, and trying to get a stranger to punch him outside of a strip club, and fucking with a homeless dude, and spitting at police officers, Shia LaBeouf, or somebody in Shia’s life, thought it would be a good idea for him to have a seat somewhere and deal with whatever it is he’s going through. Shia’s terror on Times Square ended this weekend when he flew his ass back to L.A. L.A. braced itself thinking that Shia would pick up where Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan left off by either clipping a baby’s stroller with his car while drunk driving or by having a long conversation with hangers while spending hours trying on jeggings in a dressing room. But apparently, Shia has finally checked himself into rehab.

X17 (via HuffPo) has been stalking Shia’s house and they say that earlier today, he was seen carrying around an Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book. Hours later, Shia left his house and x17’s paps followed him to a rehab facility where a security guard and a nurse greeted him. X17’s pap must also freelance as a mind reader (Watch yourself, Long Island Medium, because x17’s pap is coming for your gig), because he said that Shia didn’t want to go:

“Shia was nervous; he didn’t look good all morning. He was looking down and wasn’t even talking to his driver. It looked like he didn’t want to do it, but he knew he had to.”

A few years ago, Shia admitted to Parade Magazine that he had a major problem with the sweet nectar. Shia has tried to clean up with the help of AA for years and he’s been on and off the wagon. Shia is most likely in rehab to deal with his booze issues, but he could also be in there to deal with his severe addiction to nutsack-strangling man leggings.

Somebody reminded me that Even Stevens was a Disney show, which makes Shia one of Mickey Mouse’s former hos. Damn you, Mickey! You got another one. Dateline NBC really needs to conduct an undercover investigation into Mickey Mouse’s finances and dealings. They’d probably discover that Mickey is the largest owner of rehab joints in the country! That’s Mickey’s game. Mickey milks as much cash out of his child stars while they’re cute and young and as soon as they grow pubes, he throws them out into the streets, knowing that they’ll probably turn to the bottle to deal with being one of his former puppets. Then when they have a full-fledged problem, they’ll check into a rehab facility that’s probably owned by Mickey. Mickey makes money off of them when they’re young and cute and he makes money off of them when they’re down and out. Mickey Mouse is the devil and must be stopped!