Shia LaBeouf Is Probably In Rehab Right Now

June 30, 2014 / Posted by:

After getting escorted out of Cabaret in handcuffs for slapping asses and smoking, and trying to get a stranger to punch him outside of a strip club, and fucking with a homeless dude, and spitting at police officers, Shia LaBeouf, or somebody in Shia’s life, thought it would be a good idea for him to have a seat somewhere and deal with whatever it is he’s going through. Shia’s terror on Times Square ended this weekend when he flew his ass back to L.A. L.A. braced itself thinking that Shia would pick up where Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan left off by either clipping a baby’s stroller with his car while drunk driving or by having a long conversation with hangers while spending hours trying on jeggings in a dressing room. But apparently, Shia has finally checked himself into rehab.

X17 (via HuffPo) has been stalking Shia’s house and they say that earlier today, he was seen carrying around an Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book. Hours later, Shia left his house and x17’s paps followed him to a rehab facility where a security guard and a nurse greeted him. X17’s pap must also freelance as a mind reader (Watch yourself, Long Island Medium, because x17’s pap is coming for your gig), because he said that Shia didn’t want to go:

“Shia was nervous; he didn’t look good all morning. He was looking down and wasn’t even talking to his driver. It looked like he didn’t want to do it, but he knew he had to.”

A few years ago, Shia admitted to Parade Magazine that he had a major problem with the sweet nectar. Shia has tried to clean up with the help of AA for years and he’s been on and off the wagon. Shia is most likely in rehab to deal with his booze issues, but he could also be in there to deal with his severe addiction to nutsack-strangling man leggings.

Somebody reminded me that Even Stevens was a Disney show, which makes Shia one of Mickey Mouse’s former hos. Damn you, Mickey! You got another one. Dateline NBC really needs to conduct an undercover investigation into Mickey Mouse’s finances and dealings. They’d probably discover that Mickey is the largest owner of rehab joints in the country! That’s Mickey’s game. Mickey milks as much cash out of his child stars while they’re cute and young and as soon as they grow pubes, he throws them out into the streets, knowing that they’ll probably turn to the bottle to deal with being one of his former puppets. Then when they have a full-fledged problem, they’ll check into a rehab facility that’s probably owned by Mickey. Mickey makes money off of them when they’re young and cute and he makes money off of them when they’re down and out. Mickey Mouse is the devil and must be stopped!

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