Category: Liza

Liza’s In Rehab

March 18, 2015 / Posted by:

In a rehab facility in Malibu somewhere, international treasure Liza Minnelli will stand up in front of a group of people and say, “My name is Liza with a Z and I’m alcoholic,” before she gets up on a chair and does a few minutes of “Mein Herr.” (This is how it happens in my head) Both People and TMZ say that Liza jazz walked into rehab a few days ago to deal with her addiction to the sweet nectar. This isn’t her first time in rehab. She’s done rehab a few times. Liza’s rep says that she’s doing really well and may leave in the next few days. Her rep also said this:

“Liza Minnelli has valiantly battled substance abuse over the years and whenever she has needed to seek treatment she has done so. She is currently making excellent progress at an undisclosed facility.”

You can do it again, Liza! You were married to David Gest for 16 months. You can do anything.

I was talking to my friend, who is a grown gay, about this on IM and I brought up how Judy Garland overdosed when she was just 47 and he said, “What the fuck does Judy Garland have to do with this?” And I said, “Um, is this a joke?” And he said, “No. What do you mean?” And I said, “Judy Garland gave birth to Liza, you fucking dumbass!” And he said, “Oh, I didn’t know they were related.” What in the hell kind of grown gay doesn’t know that? How dreadful. As soon as he said he didn’t know that, he told me he was going to log off and jack off to some hot chicks on Brazzers. Yup, admitting out loud that you didn’t know that Liza is Judy Garland’s daughter instantly turns you straight.

UsWeekly also mentioned that Liza was offered $500,000 to join Celebrity Rehab in 2010. Thank God she didn’t do that. Some of us would have had to turn to the bad shit to deal with watching a Hollywood legend on a Vh1 reality show with Dr. Drew.

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This?

May 25, 2010 / Posted by:

Liza Minnelli has a pair of priceless eyebrows that make me want to lounge on them while smoking skinny cigars and mouthing the words to a Judy Garland song, so she can pretty much do no wrong. BUT I cannot ignore the full-blown fuggery she wrapped herself in last night for the Sixty in the City 2 premiere in New York City. Bitch. What.

Liza looks like a honey glazed ham wrapped in an oven bag and ready for roasting! Just sprinkle some pineapple rings and cloves on her ass. And I’d never thought I’d ever write this sentence, but what in the name of David Gest’s cunt plug is going on with her chichi area? Did Phoebe Price’s chicken cutlets hug on to Liza’s titties so that they could get their picture taken at the SATC2 premiere? If so, those bitches are good.

The rest of the hos at last night’s premiere were almost as messy as Liza’s Party City ensemble. In order: Suzanne Somers, Johnny Weir (still in 1960s serious lesbian wear), Mrs. Rojo, Kristin Davis, JLove, Dayglo My Little Pony, Kim Cattrall, Chaz Bono’s puckering no-no, and Bo Derek.

Liza Settles The Sexual Harassment Suit Against Her

December 10, 2009 / Posted by:

In 2004, Liza Minnelli’s former chauffeur M’Hammed Soumayah sued her for $100 million, because he claimed she forced him to cum up her roses. M’Hammed said that Liza not only sexually harassed him, but she spit on him during drunken rampages. According to M’H, Liza threatened to send him to the back of the unemployment line if he didn’t wipe the spit off of his face, rub it on her pussy and make it ziiiiiiing.

Well, the New York Post brings the news that Liza and M’Hammed have settled the $100 million lawsuit for an undisclosed sum. M’Hammed was making around $283,000 as her chauffeur.

The image of Liza playing with her nipples while saying, “It’s M’Hammed Time! You CAN touch this,” is going to get me through the day. Or it might be the death of me.

If they ever made a horror version of My Chauffeur, they can use this story as inspiration.

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