Behold, The Portrait That Morrissey Will Hang Over His Fireplace

As part of their never-ending campaign to make the peasants think that they’re just like them, Duchess Kate and Prince William released this picture of them looking like a wholesome, normal, everyday family who’s just hanging out in their everyday, normal house. Except their everyday, normal house is a damn palace, two of the people in this picture are future Head Moochers of England and it took 4 ladies-in-waiting 5 hours to get Duchess Kate Breck Girl beautiful by brushing her hair with silver combs and it took 4 men 3 hours to perfectly polish Prince William’s bald spot and creeping hairline. The Windsor genes have gone into overdrive on Prince William’s face, because his physical transformation into his daddy is over halfway complete.

But the real stars of this picture, which was taken by Jason Bell, are Baby Prince George and Lupo the dog. Lupo has a look of fear in his eye like he knows that he’s sitting before the future King of England who can have him sent to the gallows for shitting on the rug or pissing on that sharp as fuck christening gown. Lupo looks like someone’s giving him a surprise prostate exam. Wait, wait, where is Prince William’s other hand?!

This portrait is pretty basic and looks like some shit you’d see in a frame at CVS, but it could’ve easily been taken to fiery levels of YES with just one simple photo bomb:

Now THAT is a royal portrait.

Here’s PHG, Duchess Kate and Prince William wearing some boring ass royal clothes while going to the wedding one of their fancy friends today in Chippenham, England.

Pics: Splash

Thank God The Most Important Member Of The Royal Family Made It Into The Christening Pictures

And no, I’m not talking about Prince Hot Ginge for once. I’m talking about THE QUEEN’S purse!

Here’s the official pictures from Prince George’s royal christening taken by world-renowned photographer Olan Mills and in every picture THE QUEEN’S in, so is her most trusted friend in the world: her pocketbook. Do you really think THE QUEEN is going to leave her purse on a table somewhere out of her eyesight? If you think she should’ve been separated from her purse for these pictures, then you don’t know the royal family. They are a bunch of thieving, shifty bitches who would steal a queef out of a snatch if they needed one. If THE QUEEN left her purse out for one second, Prince Hot Ginge would go through it and steal her little bottles of malt liquor. If she left her purse out for two seconds, Prince Charles would steal her poppers. If she left her purse out for three seconds, Camilla would steal her bag of sugar cubes (which she throws in Camilla’s mouth whenever she feels that trick is talking too much). So THE QUEEN always keeps her purse close to her. The first rule of Abuelita Club is NEVER be more than 1 foot away from your purse, because your family members are sneaky whores and they will steal from you the same way the royal family steals from their subjects. Keep that purse close and slap any tramp that touches it.

Here’s more of the royal family looking like melting candle people while posing in the ugliest suite at the Marriott. I know I said this yesterday, but I need to say it again: Prince George’s gown is flawless and I’m sure Andre Leon Talley is having a copy made right now. Sorry, ALT, but you just don’t have the pudgy, short, tiny baby arms needed to work that lace gown like PG does.

Here’s Prince Hot Ginge Bowing His Head Before THE QUEEN

Not pictured: THE QUEEN making a “You BETTA recognize, hussy” face.

Who knew that British royals are just like us! They also have to bow their heads down to their abuelitas or face the wrath of the pocketbook (the pocketbook is the British royals’ answer to the chancleta). I spent way too much time focusing on Prince George’s sharp-as-shit christening gown, so I completely forgot to add this video of the royals air kissing and bowing down to THE QUEEN at his christening in London today. My favorite part is when Prince George glides in and gets into a stare down contest with THE QUEEN. (Spoiler alert: THE QUEEN won.)

Prince William is trying to make it look like Prince George is waving, but it looks more like he’s nonchalantly playing a tiny invisible piano with one hand.

Once inside the chapel, Prince George was christened with water from the River Jordan. I’m guessing that by “the River Jordan” they mean Katie Price’s bathwater, right? And right after the River Jordan water was poured on Prince George’s head, PHG let out a stream of giggles, because he swapped that river water with vodka.

Pics: Splash

The Look IS Prince George’s Lace Christening Gown

Duchess Kate thinks she’s the only British royal who can sell out a piece of clothing just by wearing it, but she’s dead wrong. Yes, thousands of her subjects are running to their local bakery to buy a mound of bread dough after seeing Duchess Kate wear one on her head at Prince George’s Christian orientation/hazing ceremony in the Chapel Royal at St James’s Palace in London today. But even more people are furiously searching the Internet to find out who designed Prince George’s luxurious lace gown, because they want it. Well, sorry wannabes, but that shit is vintage and no, you can’t buy it at Decades or one of those other fancy shops where rich hos buy used clothes for thousands of dollars. Prince George’s shit is a family heirloom and a one-of-a-kind design, bitches.

The BBC says that Prince George’s gown is a replica of the lace and satin christening gown made for Queen Victoria’s eldest daughter, Victoria, the Princess Royal, in 1841. Prince Hot Ginge (see him working it here) and every other royal has worn that same christening gown since then. The design is stunning and that train elongates Prince George’s legs so he looks five feet tall instead of one foot tall (or however the hell tall he is). Expect Tommy Girl to try that “train makes your legs look longer” trick. And Prince George knows that he’s got this and he’s already looking down at Suri Cruise, Blue Ivy Carter and North West from the top of Vogue Bambini’s Best Dressed Baby Child In The WORLD list.

And because he’s the future King of England and has to do everything extra, Prince George has seven godparents who will be his spiritual advisors and guide him through life. They are:

1. England’s Finest Rose Jodie Marsh
2. Harvey Price
3. Tanya Turner (No, not Zoe Lucker, but Tanya Turner the character.)
4. Pete Burns
5. Tania Mcintosh
6. Pippa Middleton’s ass
7. Pete Doherty

No, I wish. The real list is here. No Jodie Marsh! No Prince Hot Ginge! Can you believe that shit? That list sucks. The only person I know on that list is Zara Phillips and that’s because I once bought a coat half price at her store in the Menlo Park Mall in New Jersey.

Pics: Splash

Prince Hot Ginge Is Going To Be The Fun Uncle, Duh

While working a glistening (aka sweaty) “just got drunk at the beach” glow, Prince Hot Ginge and his caramel Jelly Belly teeth made an appearance at an event for his charity Sentebale in London tonight and of course all the damn reporters asked him about the future King of England. They should’ve asked PHG what he was drinking, because he looked like a beautiful shade of DRUNK. But they asked him about the baby and he said that the baby is a baby and that he’s going to make sure that Prince George knows how to snort vodka properly.

“When I saw him he was crying his eyes out like all babies do, I suppose. It’s fantastic to have another addition to the family. I only hope my brother knows how expensive my baby-sitting charges are. [My role as an uncle is] to make sure he has a good upbringing, to keep him out of harm’s way, and make sure he has fun. The rest of it I leave to the parents.”

And here’s the video of PHG saying those things.

To answer the question that you’re going to ask. No, that creepy guy with the half-Friar Tuck silver ‘do who’s petting PHG’s face with his eyes is not me.