Paula Deen Accused Of Using The N-Word, Y’ALL!

Either Paula Deen has an orange mic on her second chin or that’s a Cheetos mole and “backbackBritneybackback” will soon replace the n-word as her favorite phrase. You know Our Lady of Cheetos is going to try to gnaw that thing off.

The n-word I’m talking about is not “nobuttah.” A stick of margarine would pass between Paula’s lips before that word (yes, it’s one word in the south) does. I’m talking about the other n-word. So, Paula Deen and her brother Bubba Hiers (government name: BUBBA HIERS) co-own Bubba’s Oyster and Seafood House in Savannah, GA and they’ve both been sued by the former general manager of the restaurant for throwing all kinds of deep fried fuckery at her during the 5 years she worked there.

Radar says that in the lawsuit filed in Georgia on Monday, the former GM Lisa Jackson claims Bubba brought the following foolery on her:

– Created a porn prison around her by always watching fuck films on his computer in the small office she shared with him.

– Showed her the printout of an email with the subject line “Why Gay Marriage Should Be Legal” and a picture of two ladies coochie bumping below it.

– Bubba once grabbed Lisa’s face and told her that he loved her. Romance.

– Bubba forced the black employees to only use the bathroom in the back while letting the white employees use the customers’ bathroom in the front.

– Told Lisa and another manager that they should send President Obama “to the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico so he could n***er-rig it.”

– Lisa finally quit in 2010 after Bubba spit in her face during an argument.

As for Paula, Lisa claims that the general manager before her got fired for wet humping on the servers and the butter messiah made it clear that she wasn’t going to let that fuck with her business. Paula allegedly said this to Lisa:

“If you think I have worked this hard to lose everything because of a piece of pussy, you better think again, and now I’m going to do something I have never done I am going to put a woman in a man’s job.”

And about that n-bomb shit, Lisa says Paula dropped it while giving her staff ideas for a wedding they catered:

“Well what I would really like is a bunch of little niggers to wear long-sleeve white shirts, black shorts and black bow ties, you know in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around. Now, that would be a true Southern wedding wouldn’t it? But we can’t do that because the media would be on me about that.”

This is all from Lisa Jackson’s mouth and so far both Paula and Bubba are as quiet as a bit-off scrimp head. They ain’t saying shit. On one hand, it’s strange that this alleged crap went on for five years and Lisa never recorded any of it or got witnesses to back her up. On the other hand, you can’t fully trust a family who seriously named one of their own BUBBA!

(Picture via Wenn.com)

Our Butter Messiah Admits That She’s Had Type 2 Diabetes For Three Years

In the past three years, I’ve watched Paula Deen take bites from deliciousness like deep fried bacon-wrapped Zingers and deep fried bacon-wrapped funnel cake pizza, and now I’m barely learning that that those deep fried bacon-wrapped dishes of deliciousness were probably made with 10 bags of sugar instead of 20! Because Paula Deen admitted on Today (via People) this morning that the not-so-shocking rumor that she’s got Type 2 Diabetes is true and she found out almost three years ago. If you just had a coronary, it’s not from Paula’s news, it’s from eating the words “deep fried bacon-wrapped funnel cake pizza” with your eyes.

Paula says that it took her so long to spit up the news publicly, because she wanted to get all the facts together before she started speaking about it (Translation: Paula was working on her turning her Diabeetus into sugar-free dollar signs by landing a pharmaceutical endorsement deal!). The days of eating mac ‘n cheese soup with whipped bacon cream aren’t totally behind her, because Paula says that even though sweet tea isn’t her friend anymore, she’s still eating her own recipes in moderation.

“I was determined to share my positive approach and not let diabetes stand in the way of enjoying my life. I’m excited to team up with Novo Nordisk on this initiative to show others that managing diabetes does not have to stop you from enjoying the things you love.”

Paula Deen is a genius! Paula isn’t saying, “You’ll get Type 2 if you eat my Krispy Kreme bread pudding,” because then nobody will buy her old cookbooks and she’ll have to change everything. Instead she’s whoring out some Diabetes medication while telling everyone to nibble, don’t swallow that Krispy Kreme cheeseburger your tongue craves:

AND when I Googled “Diabetes and butter,” my eyes felt like a butter Jesus blessed my eyes with holy butter when I read this headline: “Got Diabetes? Eat More Butter!” Dairy cows no longer have to wander around the fields wondering what is going to become of them, because Paula and butter are stronger then ever. Also, if watching that clip gave you a temporary case of Diabetes in the eyes, just smear a whole stick of butter on them and call it good.

Damn You, Diabetes! DAMN YOU!

The news the butter and sugar industries didn’t want to believe was coming but knew was coming has finally came in a swarm of flying Truvia packets. After months of rumors, our butter messiah Paula Deen is about to announce that she’s been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. That sound you hear is butter-thirsty Norwegians diving into the butter lake in the underground cavern under Paula’s house. Shortly after the news broke, the sugar industry issued this official response:

One would expect Paula to handle this news by punching the Land O’ Lakes Girl in the face before kneeing King Ding Dong in the ding dong, but apparently she’s turning her ‘beeties into MONAY! The Daily says that Paula has quietly worked out a multimillion dollar deal with Novartis, the drug she’s currently taking for her diabetes, to be their new spokesperson. Paula is expected to announce this any day now. A source also says that Paula will probably change the way she cooks and the days of making deep fried chocolate noodles with creamed cheesecake sauce are behind her.

This just makes me want to weep salty tears on a bar of butter before deep throating it, but how can I eat a bar of butter if our butter queen can’t?! Paula is going to have to trade her morning cup of sugar with a splash of coffee for a morning cup of Stevie with a splash of green tea. What is going on? If next you tell me that Sandra Lee has joined AA and has vowed to start making edible food, I’m going to impale myself on Guy Fieri’s head.

Things That Exist: Paula Deen’s Butter-Flavored Lip Chap

YES! Your dream of having lips that smell like Paula Deen just wet scooted across them can finally come true. At Paula Deen’s restaurant in Savannah, GA, liquid butter pours out from the faucets, the toilet paper is butter-scented and you can also put a little South on your mouth (Why does that sound like a polite way of saying rim job?) with her butter-flavored lip balm.

Now, Paula just needs to put out a line of butter-flavored lube and she’d make my life. I mean, using a whole butter stick is so annoying. I hate having to pick the stray hairs off before I put it back in the fridge.

via Grub Street

How Dare Anthony Bourdain Insult The Deep Fried Butter Queen Of America!

Anthony Bourdain of No Reservations seems like a kinky motherfucker who will handcuff you to his Waterworks kitchen faucet and smear your body with melted butter made from the milk of rare miniature cows imported from Holland, but butter will never melt for him again now that he has verbally thrown a ham at Paula Deen’s face. Anthony took a break from eating panda brain burgers and capybara nipple pasta to cross his legs, purse his lips and get Paltrow-like on the kids in the cafeteria who buy lunch every day.

Anthony had some real shit to say to TV Guide about Paula, Rachael Ray, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee and Guy Fieri (government name: Heat Miser):

“The worst, most dangerous person to America is clearly Paula Deen. She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations and she’s proud of the fact that her food is fucking bad for you . . . plus, her food sucks.” About Ray: “Does she even cook anymore? . . . To her credit, she never said she was good at it.” On Lee: “I hate her works on this planet, but she is not someone to be dismissed, clearly.” And Fieri: “I look at Guy and I just think, ‘Jesus, I’m glad that’s not me.’ ”

Anthony can keep spitting out hate balls of cuntness at Rachael Ray since she’s about as annoying as a dizzy dick who keeps hitting your taint instead of your sex hole. Sandra Lee can’t hear what Anthony is saying about her since she’s passed out head first in a punch bowl full of cooking wine, melted orange Popsicles and Fiesta Punch Shasta (aka chilled fizzy sangria). Guy Fieri, who cares about his ass. But Paula Deeeeeeeen?!!!!? Yes, a pacemaker shows up at my front door every time I see Paula make something like funnel cake grilled cheese, but she IS America. Paula’s hair is the shade of a bald eagle’s tear and she squirts out Ranch dressing (the official food of America)! Paula Deen is dangerous, alright. Dangerously delicious!

Paula pulled out her butter bat and hit back at the pretension shit Anthony launched out of his mouth. Paula told Page Six:

“Anthony Bourdain needs to get a life. You don’t have to like my food, or Rachael’s, Sandra’s and Guy’s. But it’s another thing to attack our character. I wake up every morning happy for where I am in life. It’s not all about the cooking, but the fact that I can contribute by using my influence to help people all over the country. In the last two years, my partners and I have fed more than 10 million hungry people by bringing meat to food banks.

My good friends Rachael, Guy and Sandra are the most generous charitable folks I know. They give so much of their time and money to help the food-deprived, sick children and abandoned animals. I have no idea what Anthony has done to contribute besides being irritable.”

You know, not everybody can afford to pay $58 for prime rib or $650 for a bottle of wine. My friends and I cook for regular families who worry about feeding their kids and paying the bills . . . It wasn’t that long ago that I was struggling to feed my family, too.”

I think what Paula really means is that her butter elves are currently trying to lure Anthony into her heart attack factory using Siberian tiger steaks. Don’t be surprised if on the next episode of Paula’s Home Cooking, you see her making double deep fried Bourdain butt cheeks with a candy apple butter sauce. “Cannibalism never tasted so good, y’all!”

Anthony really needs to stop being such a fancy queen. You know he’d down low nibble on Paula’s butter crumble muffin if she served one up to him.

Open Post: Hosted By Paula Deen’s Butter-Seeking Tongue

Knowing very well that Paula Deen’s tongue can scrape the butter out of every nook and cranny, Food Network’s Robert Irvine smeared fermented cream all over his hard biscuits and let Fry Daddy’s sweetheart go hog wild on that shit at the South Beach Food & Wine Festival this past weekend. After Paula feverishly licked those abs like a fat boy eating ice cream in the rain and caused Robert’s innie to seal shut for the rest of the day, she put his spine to the test by bareback riding him all around the stage.

Ride that hot bull, Paula! Who cares if Robert will need physical therapy for a broken back and mental therapy for the image of you on your knees in front of him. GET. IT.

And I really don’t need to tell you what happened after Paula “accidentally” poured shrimp juice on Robert’s crotch.