QVC May Drop Paula Deen’s Ass Too

And here lies Paula’s career at QVC (maybe)….

On Friday afternoon, Susie “No Shits To Give” Fogelson of The Food Network rolled up Paula Deen’s contract, stuffed bacon in it, slathered it with butter and batter, deep fried it and then ate every single piece of it. (At least, that’s how I’m guessing Paula’s firing went down.) The Food Network announced that Paula’s contract will not be renewed and now TMZ is saying that QVC may drop her ass too.

Right after it came out that Paula used the N-word several times and once said that she basically wanted to throw a plantation-themed wedding , QVC kept their lips shut and said they had no comment. A rep is now saying that they’re “concerned” about the situation and they have no plans to put Paula’s face on QVC anytime soon. They’re still selling her products on their website, though. The rep also said that they are “closely monitoring these events and we are reviewing our business relationship with Ms. Deen.” TMZ took that to mean that QVC is waiting to see if the whole scandal will blow over. If it doesn’t blow over, they’ll either fire her ass or completely go with it by selling Paula Deen’s line of mammy cookie jars.

Meanwhile, both Bill Maher and Bethenny Franklestein (because you care what she thinks) came to Paula’s defense and a bunch of hos have defended her on her Facebook page and The Food Network’s Facebook page. If you need some free entertainment, fill your brain with something mind-numbing and read through all of the comments, because there’s a few gems in there. Here’s just one:

“Whose next? Does Giada go because she wears low cut blouses and only cooks Italian food? Is she prejudice against plain old American dishes? How about the Barefoot Contessa? Since she wears shoes when she cooks shouldn’t she change the name of her show?. Then there’s Guy Fieri with his spiked hair and tattoos. FYI: He doesn’t drive all around the country in that car. Bobby Flay is red headed so perhaps we shouldn’t like him because of the color of his hair. The Pioneer Woman is hardly that. She lives on a high dollar cattle ranch and cooks all day for her cowboy husband and children. She seems to like it, but I’m sure the feminist would like her gone. Rachel Ray and her 30 Minute Meals is hogwash. There is no way you can cook her dishes in 30 minutes without having most of the stuff pre-prepared.”

They actually have a point about Rachael Ray’s 30-minute cooking. Rachael Ray should be charged with fraud and sent to prison FOREVER.

And finally, here’s a clip dug up by HuffPo of Paula Deen talking to The New York Times last year about how slaves were just like family and then she introduces her “as black as that board” friend to the audience:

I just….

Bitch Got Fried: The Food Network Is Not Renewing Paula Deen’s Contract

I know I usually write “Bitch Got Fired,” but my finger compelled me to switch the I and the R.

When a ho falls from buttered grace, a ho falls from buttered grace. The Food Network announced today that they are not renewing Paula Deen’s contract when it expires at the end of this month. The Food Network let it be known that they are dropping her ass just a quick minute after Paula released an awkward video where she spat out a pr-written canned apology while looking like a dehydrated and sad Craisin. Paula must’ve realized that the first video was a mess, because she released a second one (below) where she apologized to Matt Lauer for not showing up to Today. The Food Network didn’t come out and say that they fired Paula because of the N-word disaster, but they didn’t need to.

According to The New York Times, The Food Network also said that the show that stars Paula’s sons will stay on the network.

As every Land O’ Lakes executive falls to the floor in tears, Anthony Bourdain is falling to the floor in laughter. I’m sure the Baroness of Butter will try to rise again. She’ll get together with Michael Richards and Mel Gibson and the three of them will launch their own network called White Entertainment Television (WET for short).

The bad news is that this means The Food Network is probably going to give more shows to Guy Fieri.

Paula Deen Is Begging For Your Forgiveness, Y’all

The Baroness of Butter Paula Deen was supposed to go on Today this morning to tell her side of the N-word scandal, but she backed out at the last minute, because Al Roker refused to wear a white suit and tap dance while serving her sweet tea as Matt Lauer asked her questions. So instead, Paula shot a totally edited “AH’M SO SOWWY” video where she begged everyone to forgive her and to keep throwing money at if her, because if they don’t her beautiful butter empire will melt and she’ll have to slither back into the sea to fight King Triton for the throne AGAIN.

Paula did achieve something in her apology video: she managed to get a minimum of 550 cuts into a video that’s not even a minute long. So congratulations for that, Paula! Paula’s PR whores really shouldn’t have written her statement on cue cards made of butter because she can hardly concentrate. Speaking of concentrate, it’s hard for me to focus on Paula’s pre-written apology when a bright white light is flashing in my eyes every 2 seconds. Oh shit, I bet this video has a subliminal white power message in it.

And now that Paula’s apologized, can we please all move on from this and go back to paying attention to The Food Network’s true star Sandra Lee?! Drunk ass Sandra Lee would never offend anybody. (“But what about that Kwanzaa cake, Michael?” – you “Point taken up the butt.” – me)

FYI: Paula Deen Doesn’t Use The N-Word Anymore

Seen above throwing a “lord, please don’t tell me a Mexican is touching me” side-eye, Paula Deen issued a statement through her rep saying that she doesn’t use racial slurs and she doesn’t like it when others use racial slurs so will the KKK please stop asking her to make a Klan robe butter sculpture for their next meeting. Paula’s rep said this:

“Ms. Deen does not condone or find the use of racial epithets acceptable. She is looking forward to her day in court.”

Paula’s rep shot out that statement after The National Enquirer published two pieces from the deposition she gave for a lawsuit made against her and her brother Bubba (BUBBA) by the former GM of their restaurant in Savannah. The Baroness of Butter testified that yeah, she’s said the n-word before and she also talked about the time she practically got a twinkle in her nipples from being served by black men in white suits at a restaurant. The entire transcript from Paula’s depo has shown up online (click here if you need it in your life) and TMZ posted the part where she talks about using the N-word. Paula says that she hasn’t mouth shat out the N-word in a while, but she remembers saying it all the way back in 1986 when she was working as a bank teller and a black man stuck a gun at her head during a robbery.

Lawyer: Have you ever used the N-word yourself?
Paula: Yes, of course.

Lawyer: Okay. In what context?
Paula: Well, it was probably when a black man burst into the bank that I was working at and put a gun to my head.

Lawyer: Okay. And what did you say?
Paula: Well, I don’t remember, but the gun was dancing all around my temple … I didn’t — I didn’t feel real favorable towards him.

Lawyer: Okay. Well, did you use the N-word to him as he pointed a gun in your head at your face?
Paula: Absolutely not.

Lawyer: Well, then, when did you use it?
Paula: Probably in telling my husband.

The lawyer asked Paula if the N-word has made an appearance on her tongue since then and she says it has, but she doesn’t really remember exactly when. But the lawyer wanted specific times so he kept poking.

Lawyer: Has it occurred with sufficient frequency that you cannot recall all of the various context in which you’ve used it?
Paula: No, no.

Lawyer: Well, then tell me the other context in which you’ve used the N-word?
Paula: I don’t know, maybe in repeating something that was said to me.

Lawyer: Like a joke?
Paula: No, probably a conversation between blacks. I don’t — I don’t know. But that’s just not a word that we use as time has gone on. Things have changed since the ’60s in the south. And my children and my brother object to that word being used in any cruel or mean behavior. As well as I do.

Then the lawyer brought up that story about how Paula told her staff that she’d love to cater an event where black men in white suits serve everyone. The lawyer asked if she dropped the N-word to describe the waiters and the she said:

“No, because that’s not what these men were. They were professional black men doing a fabulous job.'”

I remember seeing Paula on that fancy TV version of Ancestry.com called Who Do You Think You Are? Paula found out that her ancestors from the 1700s, or something, were slave owners and she said she was shocked and started to cry out buttery tears. Now I know that Paula wasn’t crying tears of sadness. She was crying tears of joy and pride!

But seriously, the best thing has come out of this whole messy thing has been the PaulasBestDishes hash tag on Twitter (via HuffPo), which is a mess. Here’s just a few:

Well, I guess reading though that hash tag while getting drunk on red wine and lime Hansen’s is one way to spend Juneteenth.

The KKK Is Going To Ask Paula Deen To Be Their New Resident Chef In 3…2…

“Nothing goes with apple pie quite like a huge dollop of racism, y’all!”

Last year, Lisa Jackson, the former GM of the restaurant in Savannah that Paula Deen owns with her brother Bubba Hiers (Reminder: His government name IS Bubba Hiers) sued both of their butter-covered asses for treating her like shit lukewarm margarine during the 5 years she worked for them. Lisa claimed in her lawsuit that Bubba constantly sexually harassed her and that both Bubba and Paula Deen were deep fried racists who spit out n-bombs faster than they spit out a piece of raw broccoli that’s not covered in cheese and butter gravy. The National Enquirer (aka The Grain Of Salt Times) says that during a deposition on May 17th, which was videotaped, Paula not only admitted that Bubba is a cokehead porn-a-holic, but she also admitted to using the n-word and went on to mouth fart out some racist foolery. Lisa’s lawyers asked Paula if the n-word has ever fallen off of her tongue while telling a joke and she nonchalantly said:

“Yes, of course. It’s just what they are — they’re jokes…most jokes are about Jewish people, rednecks, black folks…I can’t determine what offends another person.”

Then Lisa’s lawyer asked Paula about the time when she told her staff that her dream wedding is one where “little niggers” wear white suits and tap dance around while serving the guests. Paula didn’t deny saying that either and said she got the idea from a restaurant she went to:

“The whole entire waiter staff was middle-aged black men, and they had on beautiful white jackets with a black bow tie. I mean, it was really impressive. That restaurant represented a certain era in America…after the Civil War, during the Civil War, before the Civil War…It was not only black men, it was black women…I would say they were slaves.”

Well, I guess now we know that Paula pours melted butter on her crotch and does herself while watching Gone with the Wind. We also know that Django Unchained was probably the saddest movie Paula has ever seen. Django  Unchained is Paula’s Where the Red Fern Grows. If this is Paula’s way of becoming the KKK’s (the racist group, not the group of whores run by Pimp Mama Kris) newest and most favorite racist pin-up ho, then it’s working.

Paula has previously denied saying racist crap and this is coming from The National Enquirer, so if you believe this then you’ll also have to believe that Hillary Clinton is a down-low bi-sexual sex fiend and that Kim Kartrashian faked her pregnancy. Actually, I believe both of those too. Damn you, Paula Deen! Fuck yourself with a stick of frozen margarine. You’re tainting butter for me!

This Is Supposed To Be Paula Deen’s Body Today

Ever since Paula Deen made the Land O’Lakes girl reach for the noose when she announced that she’s got Type 2 Diabetes, she’s been eating healthier and has traded her usual lunch of deep fried cake and bacon sandwiches for salad and baked fish. The Parkay tub’s former nemesis tells People that not swallowing an entire Domino sugar factory every day has melted 30 pounds from her body in six months. Paula is still losing the chunk and says that soon the mound of white Ursula hair on her head will weigh more than her body. Paula owes her new size 10 body to slowly making changes in her diet, not eating all the deep fried deliciousness she makes, Photoshop and People Magazine waving a check at her.

“I do think differently now. I’m more aware. It took me a couple of years to get to this point. If you make a few small changes, they can add up to big results.”

Seeing a skinnier Paula Deen is as weird as seeing Kim Kardashian without a black peen in her mouth. But I’m happy for Paula that she’s eating healthier shit and yes, I typed that with one hand while sucking chocolate pudding out of a sugar cone with the other.

Also, if you switched Katy Perry and Paula’s faces, that cover would look exactly the same. Their faces were harvested from the same place! Also also, are those shoes on Paula’s feed made of breadsticks, cheese and better. I guess if you can’t eat ’em, wear ’em.