Mary Harvey Is The New Tricia Walsh-Smith

Okay, so Mary Harvey is not totally like Tricia Walsh-Smith completely. Watching Tricia Walsh-Smith is like watching a sun damaged ostrich high on bath salts. Mary Harvey is more like a well-behaved French bulldog on human ludes. But both Tricia and Mary are fighting the same fight. Both want the truth of their asshole ex-husbands out there! Just like Tricia, Mary has taken to YouTube to spread her truth to the public. Mary goes hard on her ex-husband Steve Harvey and paints him as a cold-hearted man skank who dropped her for his side piece Marjorie (it’s always a MARJORIE!) and then turned her own son against her. Based on that description alone, you just know Tyler Perry has already bought the film rights to Mary’s YouTube Channel. Tyler is going to write, direct, produce and play both MARY and STEVE.

Mary goes on to say that her marriage died the day she accidentally received a filthy, dirty letter from Marjorie to Steve. Shortly after that, Steve put Mary out and moved Marjorie in. Mary says that she was with Steve when he had nothing and the two built their fortune together, but he didn’t even give her a roll of toilet paper to wipe her ass with when their marriage ended. Steve left Mary homeless and broke.

Mary decided to set the shit straight in a series of YouTube confessionals, because Steve has filed a lawsuit against her. Steve, who thinks he’s some sort of relationship expert, claims that Mary is the reason why he didn’t get a show on Oprah’s network. Since Mary’s going around talking about Steve’s passing the peen antics, Oprah didn’t think he was the right person to be giving relationship advice on her network. To which I say….why not?! I mean, I’d pay good money to see Tiger Woods read from Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Not because I’m looking for relationship advice from Tiger Woods, but because that shit would be funny.

Mary says a lot more and you can press “play” if you need to know what that more is. I went as far as I could. It was kind of hard to watch, because the only question that kept pounding into my head was: “MARY, why the fuck did you wear that shade of lipstick for your YouTube debut?!” That lipstick makes her look like somebody siphoned the life right out of her. Like Steve Harvey siphoned the life right out of her. Now that I think about it, that’s probably what Mary was going for. Points for that.

While The Biels Away….

This week, the department of Passing the Peen brings you a cover story from UsWeekly about how Justin Timberlake’s dick cried a river of man chowder all over Olivia Munn while Jessica Biel was thousands of miles away. Now, the name Olivia Munn doesn’t pull anything out of me, so for those of you who know her better, check all the boxes that apply: [] skank [] bore [] dumb [] trash [] other, describe here ____________

A source that Justin and Olivia, who does shit on The Daily Show, first met at a MySpace event last month in the back of Avenue in NYC. They both decided that they wanted to sniff each other’s parts later on so they exchanged phone numbers. Olivia must not be a whore to the core, because the source says she was wary about humping on another chick’s piece. But Justin had that one figured out and lied to Olivia when he told her that he was no longer with Jessica. That’s all Olivia needed to hear, because they got it on the next two nights at The Gansevoort Park Avenue Hotel. The source says they were “openly affectionate” at the hotel and later had “amazing” sex.

Okay, I was right there strolling next to the source until they said Justin and Olivia had “amazing” sex. How do they know this? Did the source have a deep Skype conversation afterwards with Olivia’s pussy? Did they get a written statement for her exhausted clit? Did they talk to Justin’s prostate (because you know he keeps a finger condom in his pocket for a little poking)?

And for some reason, I don’t think Jessica Biel will care much. When she heard about this, she probably lifted her face from the ass she was nuzzling and barely let out a “meh“.

Well, Look At Those Eyebrows

The picture of Becks‘ alleged pussy peddler of choice is tiny, but her delicate brows of leased desire are still speaking to me softly. Brows so thin that Posh could wear one as a loose-fitting belt and use the other one to jump rope. But sadly, Posh will never do this, because the owner of those brows sexed up her husband for $10,000 a night. Posh hasn’t taken a piss in over 5 years, but this really is going to piss her off in a major! Posh could’ve used that $10k to buy a pair of crocodile bedroom stilettos from Versace!!! DAMN BECKS!

High-class call girl (Oh, how I wish that was my job title) Irma Nici (Oh, how I wish that was my name) tells InTouch Weekly that Becks paid her $10,000 for one night of down low dicking back in 2007 (Oh, how I wish that was my life).

The 26-year-old (insert your “let me see your birf papers” side-eye here) premium prostitute says that Becks was a repeat customer and they did it 5 times during the course of the year. Irma broke the whore code and talked about Becks’ skills:

“It was a high. All of these women dream of being with him, and I got to hook up with him. It was very exciting. He was very gentle and kind. He knew what he was doing.”

On a sex skills scale of 1 to 10, Irma gave Becks a 7.5. She says he wasn’t into anything too kinky, but he did fap in front of her using lotion from the hotel, “It was perfumed, so it kind of burned him!”

Becks also opened up to Irma a little bit and said that he got harder for Posh when she didn’t have the body of xylophone mallet, “He was saying that he liked her body more before. He is more of a butt man than a breast man.”

Blah. Blah. Blah. Posh & Becks have been here before. Remember the whole Rebecca Looser thing? So, Becks might buy a 24k-carat hooker every now and again. I’m not sure if this counts as the ultimate betrayal to Posh. The ultimate betrayal would be if Becks cut up her AMEX black card, or if he told her that she “has a butt in those pants.” That’s the real slap!

People Joins The Party

Star Magazine broke the rumor that while Demi Moore was busy flaunting her bikini body in make-shift camera phone bathroom shoots, her husband Ashton Kutchie took his wandering wang for a walk all over the vaginas of L.A. Ashton was “caught” tongue-ing some blonde piece in a hallway at a restaurant, and a 21-year-old trick named Brittney Jones claims that she spread her cooch on Demi’s couch while she was out of town filming a movie. Ashton has denied all of this.

In this week’s Star, they have the text messages Ashton and Brittney allegedly sent to each other before and after their parts slobbered on his sofa. The text messages are about as interesting as My Boss’s Daughter. It’s just basic shit like: “what are u wearing now?” and “Whens the next time you’re gonna have an empty house?“.

Radar says that Brittney is trying to take her whore game to the next level by hiring a manager and publicist. A source who knows Brittney says that she’s been obsessed with Ashton for a while and is going to milk this story the way she milked his peen, “I believe she did it. I’ve known Brittney for a while and her family is the same way. They’re all gold diggers… she probably took one look at Ashton and saw dollar signs.”

“Family of gold diggers” is the official motto on the Kardashian family crest, so that source better expect a copyright infringement lawsuit from Kris Jenner.

And People Magazine has now joined Star and Radar at the table. Although, People isn’t coming out and saying that Ashton is sticking his douche rod into any young ho who doesn’t start to melt when he rubs against her too fast (Well, Demi can’t help it!). People is crossing their legs, holding their white gloves in their hands and whispering that maybe there’s shit going down in Ashton and Demi’s marriage.

One of their sources said that everything is alright and the two gushed all over each other (smells like store bought silicone and vinegar) while Ashton visited with Demi on the set of her movie in Michigan, “She gushes over Ashton. You could hear them laughing in her trailer.”

But a different source said that Demi and Ashton are angry about the cheating rumors and have told their friends not to ask about it. The source said, “He got married young and, as crass as this sounds, never seemed to have his fill.”

It’s not 2006, so this post about Demi and Ashton is already way too long. But maybe Demi and Ashton have one of those open things. You know, she fills her face with whatever the plastic surgeon has on stock and he doesn’t say a thing about it. And he gets to fill his mouth with whatever winks at him in a bowling alley and she doesn’t say a thing about it. Whatever works for them! Or as Demi and Ashton probably think, whatever keeps them on the cover of People!

“How We Survived Whoreicane Sienna”

Balthazar Getty and the mother of his 4 chirruns, Rosetta Getty, are back together and making their marriage work after he publicly took a wild ride on Sienna Miller’s bull dozer vagina back in 2008. In case you didn’t read the Book of Balthazar in Sienna’s homewrecking bible, Balthazar dropped his wife and kids to to join Sienna’s worldwide whore tour for about a year. Sienna made all us shameless skanks proud when she smugly smiled for the paps while grabbing onto Balthazar’s claimed crotch with her titties out. It was a crowning achievement for the homewreckers of the world!

There were rumors that Sienna kept trying to snatch off Balthazar’s wedding band with her claw crane cooch, but he wasn’t interested in getting divorced from Rosetta. Eventually, Sienna went off to another victim and Balthazar was left sitting in the middle of the wreckage with a new itch on his dick lips and loneliness in his heart. So he ran back to his wife who left the door to their house wide open. Balthazar tells Harper’s Bazaar (via Page Six):

“Here’s the bottom line: It was a very challenging time for everybody involved. But I loved and missed my family too much not to make it work. [Wife] Rosetta is understanding enough and spiritual enough to let us try.”

Meaning, Rosetta understands that Getty money is better when you’re still married to a Getty and she saw the light several times while fucking on her own side-pieces while Balthazar passed the peen to Sienna. That’s exactly why Rosetta is throwing a “Yup, I got mine” look in the picture above.

My slut hero Sienna Miller is the real winner here, because she no longer has to wake up to Balthazar’s untamed and malnourished brows every day.

And Twitter Will Explode In…..

Star Magazine is really trying to make the “Ashton Kutcher is the new Vanilla Gorilla” thing happen. A couple of weeks ago, Star tried to expose Ashton’s wayward wang by publishing a story about him making out with some blonde at a restaurant in L.A. Ashton responded via his official rep, the Twitter Bird, by threatening to sue the dick out of Star. Demi Moore backed her husband up and later channeled her inner 18-year-old MySpace slut by Tweeting pictures of her bikini body.

Well, Demi better get her builders grade body in front of the nearest bathroom mirror, because Star has stepped it up. In this week’s cover story, Star has a first-ho account from a 21-year-old who claims she met Ashton at a bowling alley in L.A. and later licked dried douche water off his peen.

The trick tells Star that Ashton picked her up at Lucky Strike Lanes while he was with Demi and Tater Head. Ashton and the trick started talking and she eventually slipped him her number. Ashton invited her to his house a few days later when Demi was out of town. Since Ashton is a devoted husband, he didn’t bone his temporary side-piece in the bed he shares with Demi. No, he took his acts of illegal sluttery to the couch! The girl went on to say, “I felt totally comfortable in his arms. It was tender and nice — not some random sex act.”

Comfortable in his arms?! BITCH, you weren’t slow dancing to a Michael Bolton song at your prom. You were straight up getting down-low dicked by a married asshole on his couch. If you went up to “Random Sex” on a street corner, handed it an Etch-A-Sketch and asked it to draw a picture that best describes it, it would sketch Ashton fucking this girl on his sofa. Ridiculous.

You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was part of some ingenious viral marketing campaign from Twitter. Ashton is a cheat headlines = hundreds of Tweets from Demi & Ashton = more followers = more hits. Well played, Twitter Whale!

And if this is true, then at least Demi knows why her sofa always smells like egg burritos.