This Is News: Family Calls 911 After A Fat, Angry Pussy Holds Them Hostage

You probably read that headline and thought to yourself, “Alec Baldwin must be stopped!”

If that legendary video from last December of a Not The One Pussy busting some Mortal Kombat shit on the asshole who kicked him taught us anything, it’s that you should never kick a cat unless you want to end up on the local news after it makes you its bitch. Teresa Barker and her boyfriend Lee Palmer of Portland, Oregon learned this the hard way on Sunday night when their crazed cat Lux held them hostage in their bedroom after Lee kicked that pussy (that’s called pulling a Michael Lohan) for attacking their 7-month-old baby Jesse.

Lee Palmer later told the police and WBTV that he watched Lux come at and scratch Baby Jesse, but he didn’t say why Lux attacked his baby. Is Baby Jesse a genius who can read the minds of cats and knew Lux was planning to overthrow the household? Did Baby Lux have that hussy’s number? Was Lux pissed that he was no longer the star of the house? We’ll never know until Baby Jesse learns how to talk and tells us what really happened in a follow-up to this highly important story in 3 years. We better get a follow up to this highly important story in 3 years.

After Lee watched Lux scratch his baby, he “kicked the cat in the rear.” SHOTS FIRED! That was the beginning of the end for the Palmer-Barker family. Getting kicked in the ass sent Lux over the edge and rage filled that 22lb pussy (“Why do I feel like I’ve written that down in a patient’s file before?” – Lil’ Kim’s gynecologist). Lux was out for human blood, so Lee Palmer, Teresa Barker (based on her last name, she’s obviously a natural born dog lover), Baby Jesse and their little dog barricaded themselves in the bedroom as that mad pussy tried to get in. They called 911 and the call is why I laughed myself awake this morning when I heard it.

The fluent felinese speakers out there can correct me if I’m wrong, but “RAAAAAARRRRRRRR!” translates to “I’m the captain now!” in English, right?

The cops arrived and when they tried to catch Lux, who has a “history of violence,” with a dog snare, that pussy tried to flee custody. They eventually got him and put him behind bars in the family’s home. The family doesn’t know whether or not they’re going to keep Lux.

Oh, they’ll never have to make that decision. It’s only a matter of time before Lux escapes out of his crate, puts on a beret and joins the other cat comrades in the Pussy Takeover Movement. Captain Lux and the other cats who are sick of us humans controlling everything will one day strike and make us all their slaves. We should prepare by buying all of the laser pointers at Staples. It’s going to be a vicious, vicious battle. It’s going to be a little adorable too, but mostly vicious.

Leah Remini Is Coming For David Miscavige

Former Scientology Leah Remini quoted Newport-smoking philosopher Dionne Warwick yesterday when she basically said, “I got your number,hussy,” to the Cult of E.T.’s leader David Miscavige. Tony Ortega says that Leah filed a missing person report on David’s wife Shelly Miscavige with the LAPD yesterday. Leah was friends with Shelly until her face ended up on a barley water carton. Shelly hasn’t been seen out in public for years and many figured she’s being held in a Scientology compound somewhere or is trapped inside of Kirstie Alley’s tangled hair of dark secrets. Leah Remini is taking a page from Detective La Toya’s notebook by getting down to the bottom of EVERYTHING.

One of the main reasons Leah quit Scientology was because those crazy whores nearly ripped her neck out when she simply asked where Shelly Miscavige was. While at Tommy Girl’s royal sham of a wedding in Italy, Leah asked about Shelly and Scientology’s spokeswhore shot back at her with, “You don’t have the fucking rank to ask about Shelly.”

Tony Ortega believes that Shelly is being held in a secret Scientology compound near Lake Arrowhead, CA and she’s been there for at least 7 years.  David Miscarriage and the other high ranking bridge queens of Scientology refuse to talk about Shelly. But they might have to open their lips about her now that Leah has filed a missing person report with the LAPD. A spokesperson for the LAPD confirmed to Radar that Leah tugged at David Miscarriage’s wig and is ready to EXPOSE THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

“Our missing persons unit informed us that Leah Remini did file a missing person report on a Shelly Miscavige. That is all we are going to say at this time.”

You can read Tony Ortega’s entire article on this here. It gets deep. All the talk of secret mountain compounds and missing wives made me feel like I was reading a lost script for Lifetime written by Rod Serling.

After quitting Scientology, Leah could’ve easily worn a protective suit made of anti-depressants and gone into hiding, but instead she’s decided to run out naked in front of all the Scientologists and dare them to come after her. The being naked part is extremely important, because Tommy Girl and his alien army are really threatening until they see a real-life vagina and then they just ran back down into their underground bathhouse.

And I guess David Miscarriage is learning what happens when you mess with a woman whose face always says, “Do you really want to do this?”

Leah Remini Isn’t Going To Stop Talking About Scientology

The head bridge queens at Scientology can try to shut Leah Remini up by threatening to cover her in cronut batter before siccing Kirstie Alley on her ass, but it’s never ever going to work. Right after we all found out that Leah Remini quit Scientology after spending over 20 years drinking the barley-flavored Kool-Aid, she burped out a vague statement of words and then her sister Nicole pulled up Xenu’s skirt by spilling some of Scientology’s secrets. But Leah wasn’t done there. At the 15th annual DesignCare event in Malibu on Saturday, People asked Leah Remini about her decision to quit the crazy and she said that they can take away her friends and her season tickets to John Travolta’s after-church drag show in the Scientology bathhouse (that’s probably the hardest thing to lose, honestly), but they can’t take away her voice!

“We stand united, my family and I, and I think that says a lot about who we are, and what we’re about. I believe that people should be able to question things. I believe that people should value family, and value friendships, and hold those things sacrosanct. That for me, that’s what I’m about. It wouldn’t matter what it was, simply because no one is going to tell me how I need to think, no one is going to tell me who I can, and cannot, talk to. It doesn’t matter, it could be anything. I thought about the family being broken up for some other cause, and I’m not about to shut up.”

I know it’s hard to believe that Leah Remini is just figuring out now that David Miscarriage will shove an E-meter can down your throat if you even think about asking him where in the desert is the underground pod prison where his wife is being held against her will, but let me remind your ass that they probably implanted a chip into Leah’s brain a long time ago. The chip in Leah’s brain probably broke and her thoughts were released back to her when she stared at John Travolta’s Sharpie hair for way too long and realized that she can’t be a member of a church who condones a grown man wearing a beaver’s shaved ass on his head. It’s that simple.

And I bet Tommy Girl farted out a black cloud of rage when he found out that Leah used the word “sacrosanct.” “Sacrosanct” totally sounds like a Tommy Girl Word™.

Lamar Odom Loses It After A Pap Asks Him If He Cheated On Khloe Kartrashian

Star Magazine claims in their newest issue that Lamar Odom has a wandering dick and his wandering dick wandered into the mouth of a 29-year-old stripper from DC. A pap ran into Lamar yesterday and decided to ask him if he’s screwing around on Khloe Kartrashian. Lamar denied it, because if he did cheat on Khloe with some random stripper, Pimp Mama Kris would bury his ripped-out nuts next to Bruce Jenner’s ripped-out nuts for not making a cheating sex tape that she can sell to the highest bidder.

Lamar could’ve left it at that, but he really wanted to nail his denial into that pap’s brain. Lamar got out of his car with a piece of metal in his hand and pulled a bunch of crap out of the pap’s car. Lamar put it in his car, realized he could probably got in trouble for that and then threw all the stuff into the middle of the street. Lamar then smashed a different pap’s car with the metal bar before randomly posing for a picture with a fan. I half-expected Lamar to bow at the end, because he gave that bus full of tourists a show.

The paparazzo is obviously going to sue Lamar for millions of dollars, but he should really feel grateful and lucky to be alive. If Khlozilla was in the car with Lamar, it would’ve gone down a lot differently. It would’ve looked a lot like this:

Bitch would be smashing flying helicopters with her claws and stomping on houses. Tourist would’ve been tossed in the air, The National Guard would’ve been called in and most of the L.A. area would still be without power today. So my frozen-due-to-airconditioning body is grateful that Khlozilla was not around.

Pics: Splash

Don’t Screw With Helen Mirren, Especially When She’s Dressed Up As The Queen

Helen Mirren left her home in London today wearing a t-shirt promoting As One In The Park, a huge LGBT festival, but the other day she was slapping those loud bitches down outside of the theater where she’s currently performing as THE QUEEN in a play called The Audience. And Helen did it in costume. So until now, I didn’t know that one of my goals in life is to get bitched out by Helen Mirren dragged up as THE QUEEN!

The Daily Telegraph says that during Saturday night’s performance of The Audience, a troupe of drummers from As One In The Park were right outside of the theater loudly beating their shit to promote the festival. Helen tells the Telegraph that toward the end of the first half, the loud drumming pounded its way into her ear holes and it made it hard for her to perform. Helen went on and finished the first act, but during intermission, she came outside and verbally cunt punted (copyright: that crazy sorority chick) the drummers while still in costume as Queen Elizabeth II. You really haven’t lived until you’ve seen a queen curse out a bunch of queens on the streets.

Sky News has an extremely clear and sharp video of Helen pointing around while telling those loud asses that they are interrupting an Olivier Award-winning performance!

One witness said that Helen told them to fuck off and continued to slap their ears with beautiful curse word after beautiful curse word. Helen explained it like this:

“I’m afraid there were a few ‘thespian’ words used. They got a very stern royal ticking off but I have to say they were very sweet and they stopped immediately. I felt rotten but on the other hand they were destroying our performance so something had to be done. The drumming just slowly got louder and louder and then settled right outside the stage door. There was just a thin wall between drumming and the theatre so it was unbelievably loud on stage. Paul Ritter and I could hardly hear each other speak and the audience couldn’t hear us speak at all. 

We were doing this last scene of the first act where the Queen is being told she is going to lose Britannia [the royal yacht], it’s quite an emotional scene. I thought, we can’t carry on like this, they have to stop. I was so upset from struggling through the scene with Paul that I literally walked straight off stage, straight up the stairs and straight out the stage door and banged my way through the crowd who were watching and said ‘stop, you’ve got to stop right now’ only I might have used stronger language than that. They were very sweet and stopped the minute they knew I wasn’t just a batty old woman haranguing them on the streets of Soho on a Saturday night.”

Helen also said that she’s going to find the drummers and give them free tickets to the show.

Why in the hell would those drummers want free tickets when they already watched a private sidewalk performance that was probably better and more theatrical than anything in that play? But really, Helen Mirren should be stripped of her Olivier Award. If you’re going to tell bitches what’s what while dressed as THE QUEEN, then you need to bitch them out as THE QUEEN too. Helen should’ve made Prince Philip hold them down as she beat them with her pocketbook while yelling at her Corgis to bite the skin off their ankles. That’s what the real Queen would’ve done.

The Girl Who Got 30 Days In The Clink For Flipping A Judge Off Is FREEEEEE!

18-year-old Penelope Soto from Miami learned earlier this week that the judge is always the head bitch of the court room and don’t ever try to out bitch the head bitch because you will end up in a jail cell.  Penelope was in court on Monday to answer to the charge of a possessing a bar of Xanax (break me off a piece of that bar) and Judge Jorge Rodriguez-Chomat set her bail at $5,000, but raised it to $10,000 when she got cute and then jailed her for 30 days when she gave him the middle finger. But thankfully for Penelope, her gorgeous burgundy hair isn’t going to fade, because she’s been released from the clink and has reunited with her tube of Radiant Red Shampoo.

With her family next to her, Penelope cried out tears of sowwies in front of Judge Jorge today and apologized to him, the court and her family for flipping his ass off and not being respectful. WTSP says that Judge Jorge accepted her apology and then he looked her in the eye and quoted Wiz Khalifa when he said, “I tell a bitch bow down to a motherfucking G ho.” Judge Jorge then dropped the contempt charges, released her from jail and wished her luck in completing a court ordered drug treatment program. All charges will be dropped once Penelope completes rehab.

And now this week’s episode of When Keeping It Bitchy Goes Wrong has a happy ending. Now if only Penelope will apologize to my chola cousin for stealing her signature hair color. A color that she gets from mixing two different shades of Nice ‘N Easy, thankyouverymuch.