Michael Lohan: Bagina Basher

In court documents filed in New York on Monday, Michael Lohan’s ex-girlfriend Erin Muller describes in detail how Michael constantly abused her over the years. Looking at Michael’s constipated turtle head every single day is a form of abuse, but according to Erin, she suffered much more. Seriously, this is like Ike Turner’s bucket list:

Dec. 9, 2007: Michael Lohan “slapped Erin in the face twice because Erin accused him of giving her a fake watch on her birthday.”

Feb. 2008: Michael “punched Erin in the mouth” because she had a male friend on Facebook

March 2008: Michael “whipped a computer cord” at her face but she blocked it with her hand … causing a laceration.

May 5, 2008: Michael “kicked Erin Muller in the ribs.”

May 2008: Michael “kicked Erin Muller in the vagina, bruising it and causing substantial pain.”

June 2008: Michael “spit in Erin’s face, and beat her repeatedly with his fist.” Then he “yelled at her to ‘stop crying cunt — other people will see you — if they see you, I will kill you!‘”

Yes, can you believe this is the same Michael Lohan who is a man of God and is one of Jesus’ devoted followers. No, seriously, I think Michael Lohan is literally following Jesus Christ on Twitter.

You know, Michael Lohan looks like the type who will kick a cooch when it’s not looking. How would he like it if someone putted him in his poon? Actually, he’d probably love it since it would shove the stick even further up his hole.