The Backstreet Boys Will Make Your Tween Vegas Dreams Come True

Do you still have your old issues of Tiger Beat? What? The pages are all stuck together? Why? What did you do to them? Why do you hope your mom doesn’t find them? Ok. Well, you’re acting weird. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that Paris Hilton‘s ex-boyfriend, Nick Carter, confirmed that the Backstreet Boys are doing a Vegas residency. Stop! Stop screaming! Jesus! Why do you all of a sudden have pigtails and braces?! What is happening?! Get me out of here! Help! Help!

Yep, your inner tween can pop back into her boob tube and smear some definitely not at all toxic body glitter gel on her neck and worst parts of her face because BSB is back. I mean, Backstreet’s back, alright? I’m not going any louder than that. ET spoke to Nick at the L.A. premiere of his new SyFy flick, Dead7 and he told them the band has signed a deal for nine-shows to test the waters and see if a permanent show should get the greenlight. If Carrot Top and Donnie and Marie can have smash amounts of money (copyright Sean Young) shows in Vegas, why wouldn’t BSB? Nick said, “If it does really well, then I think that’ll open that door and then in future we’ll do it. So that’s definitely going to happen but we’re going to do a trial run first.” He also added that fans should expect “a very big and spectacular show“. A couple lasers, some ropes from the ceiling and some outdated choreographed dancing. Yep. Sounds big and spectacular to me.

Kevin Richardson, the tall one with black hair, also confirmed the shows and said it all came about after the boys talked to Britney Spears backstage after one of her lazy lip synch spectaculahs. “It seemed really convenient for the family! A Vegas residency, now that we’re all fathers, could be very convenient for us… We won’t have to travel so much,” said Kevin. He also got your tween heart beating even faster by confirming they’re working on a new album. They should premiere it on Tidal. That would surely save it. Between Britney, JLo, Celine and now BSB, you can live in Vegas and pretend the 90s never ended!

Pic: Wenn

Nick Carter Is Sorry For Acting Like A Fool At A Florida Saloon

When Nick Carter was arrested two weeks ago for being all kinds of drunk at a place called the Hog’s Breath Saloon in Florida and choking out a bouncer because they wouldn’t let him pour any more booze down his throat, even Florida was like “Slow down, Nick Carter – that’s TOO Florida.” Apparently Nick Carter has finally realized that, yeah, he got a little too Florida that day, and now he wants you to know he’s sorry about it. Nick typed up a little apology on Twitter yesterday. Tip: Nick’s tweets are 1000x more entertaining if you pretend they were written by Mummy Nick from the video for “Everybody“.

I am human and at times it can be a struggle to balance a healthy lifestyle. I'm not perfect and for that I am sorry.

— Nick Carter (@nickcarter) January 23, 2016

When we fall we have to get up and keep on walking. I hope you stay by my side and continue to walk with me.

— Nick Carter (@nickcarter) January 23, 2016

Is it just me or does it sound like Nick yanked his apology tweets from a Christian bookstore’s Facebook wall? No, I’m sure he thought them all up himself with no help from either his lawyer or the Backstreet Boys’ PR person. One person who probably didn’t help him write it was his brother Aaron Carter, because he was too busy dealing with his own mess. TMZ says Aaron flipped out on a fan at a concert in Virgina earlier this week after they asked him to sing “I Want Candy“. Apparently Aaron wasn’t into that shit, told the fan “I’m 28, honey, and I’m grown” and walked off stage for a bit. TMZ has the video of Aaron’s “I’m grown” moment, which you can watch here.

Okay, but to be fair to that fan, if Aaron wasn’t going to sing “I Want Candy“, what else did he have planned? Three different versions of “Aaron’s Party” followed by an acoustic performance of “Crazy Little Party Girl“? Somewhere in Hell, a tortured soul is like “Hey, I have that album!”

Pic: Splash

Nick Carter Was Busted At A Bar Called Hog’s Breath Saloon In Florida

A Carter was arrested last night and it wasn’t Aaron Carter for breaking into Hilary Duff’s bedroom to steal her worn panties, hump her pillow and make out with her toothbrush. Nick Carter was arrested after he allegedly busted out a violent, drunken scene at Hog’s Breath Saloon in Key West, FL. Nick Carter acting a mess at Hog’s Breath Saloon isn’t even the most Florida news I read yesterday. That title goes to the story about the dude who ate crack in front of a cop during a traffic stop.

According to Gossip Cop, the police report says that Nick and another dude named Michael Rae Papayans showed up to Hog’s Breath Saloon at around 7pm last night and they were both several kinds of wasted. The bartender refused to help them get drunker by serving them more booze and he told them both to take their asses out of the bar. That set Michael off and he allegedly head-butted the bar manager while Nick choked out the bouncer. The bar’s staff joined forces and held Nick and Michael down until the police showed up.

TMZ says that Nick and Michael were both arrested for battery and are still in custody. Nick said a couple of months ago that he’s dry now and completely off booze and the bad shit. Nick’s wife Lauren Kitt is currently knocked up with their child.

TMZ also posted body cam footage shot by a Key West police officer after the bar fight. The video looks like it was shot with a water-damaged Le Clic from the 80s, but you can clearly hear Michael admit that they were drunk as hell and he blames the fight on Nick. Michael also name drops Nick Carter’s name to the cop and the cop didn’t flinch. I’m surprised the cop didn’t stop everything and squeal out, “THEE Nick Carter? That changes everything! You’re both free to go as soon as you give me an autograph and a selfie!” That cop is obviously a 98 Degrees fan.

And the only thing I want to know is if the bouncer screamed, “Quit playing games with my froat,” when Nick Carter choked him. Yeah, yeah, I’ll start walking toward the exit as you cue up The Price is Right losing horn.

Gary Busey Will Dance Dance Dance On Dancing With The Stars

Dancing with the WHOs? announced the cast for its 21st season this morning and yes, this wreck is still on and yes, it’ll be on forever, because there will always be has-beens, fame whores and never-wases who will gladly take a check in exchange for busting out the Viennese Waltz while wearing tons of fucking sequins. The good and surprising news is that the producers didn’t cast a Duggar or Ben Affleck’s nanny or catfisher extraordinaire Rachel Dolezal (although that mess is going to be busy making the most out of being knocked up). The bad news is that Paula Deen is in the cast. Actually, I shouldn’t say that’s “bad news,” because I’m sure she’ll win back the hearts of America when she dances the Jive to Al Jolson’s “Mammy” while her partner is done up like a giant butter stick.

The entire cast is below and I think my brain squirted out a “scratching head emoji” only five times!

Andy Grammer (Wikipedia tells me he’s a singer) is paired with Allison Holker
Alexa Vega (the little girl from Spy Kids) is paired with Mark Ballas
Bindi Irwin (Australia’s sweetheart when Queen Gina isn’t available to do her sweetheart duties)  is paired with Derek Hough
Chaka Khan is paired with Keo Motsepe
Paula Deen is paired with Louis Van Amstel
Hayes Grier (a Vine and YouTube “star“) is paired with Emma Slater
Nick Carter is with Sharna Burgess
Carlos Pena (the little girl from Spy Kids’ husband) is paired with Witney Carson
Gary Busey is paired with Anna Trebunskaya
Alek Skarlatos (the French train hero) is paired with Lindsay Arnold
Victor Espinoza (the jockey best known for riding American Pharoah who should’ve been cast instead) is paired with Karina Smirnoff
Tamar Braxton (living Muppet and Toni Braxton’s sister) is paired with Val Chermovskiy
Kim Zolciak (The WIG from Bravo) is paired with Tony Dovolani

I may have to start watching this shit again. But I’ll only watch it until Gary Busey, who announced that he’s in the cast while riding a horse and dressed like a cowboy, is kicked out, which will probably be the first week since America has never understood and appreciated real organic dance talent like this:

And Gary’s partner Anna Trebunskaya better pre-book her trip to rehab now, because she’s going to need to dry out from all the booze, Valium, Xanax, morphine and Tension Tamer tea she’ll have to take to deal with his ass.

Pics: Wenn.com, ABC

Nick Carter Kept It Classy Last Night

Those Carter boys are such romantics, you know? First Aaron Carter tries to woo back the long-lost love of his life Hilary Duff by penning some cracked out love poems on Twitter, and now we have his older brother Nick Carter grabbing a handful of his wife’s ass and making fuck faces at the premiere of the documentary Backstreet Boys: Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of last night. If Cupid ever decides to retire, I think I know two blond angels who could take his place.

Because documentaries are the classiest type of film, Paris Hilton’s former crab wrangler decided to pull out all the stops when walking the red carpet with his wife of nine months Lauren Kitt and give her a truly classy red carpet experience. Nick grabbed her ass. Nick mouth fucked her face. Nick was a walking backsreet boner who made everyone in attendance realize that maybe Aaron isn’t the messiest Carter brother.

Meanwhile, his wife Lauren – who looks like she was assembled using old Kim Kardashian parts from 2009 – stood there with the sort of vacant look in her eyes that says “Eh, could be worse – at least I’m not getting dry humped by a dude from O-Town.”

Here’s more of the coupon book version of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel at the premiere of Backstreet Boys: Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of last night in Los Angeles, as well as all the other Backstreet Boys:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Your 13-Year-Old Heart Just Shattered: Nick Carter Got Married

Thousands of children have been told by their 30-something mothers to go and play in the street or whatever, because mommy needs a little “me time” and by that she means she needs to scream and bawl out the words, “IT SHOULD’VE BEEN MEEEEEEEE,” while doing the endless wall slide of woe.  Because the youngest Backstreet Boy Nick Carter got married yesterday in Santa Barbara, CA. I’m not one of those hos crying about this shit, because I was never into the Backstreet Boys and if I was, I’d get the tingles for Kevin Richardson. I wouldn’t turn down a chance to suck off those brows.

Anyway, People says that 34-year-old Nick married fitness expert/actress (nothing is more L.A. than a fitness expert/actress) Lauren Kitt in front of 100 guests, including 2 of the Backstreet Boys, at the Bacarat Resort. Nothing says “wedded bliss” like a groom making a “the fuck did I just do?” face while his bride smiles at the camera. Nick and Lauren bumped fuck parts full-time for a while before they got engaged last year. Because Nick would rather Vh1 pay for his fancy wedding to a chick he might only be married to for a quick second, the whole thing was shot for a reality show, which will start airing sometime this year.

Sadly, the best Carter, Aaron Carter, wasn’t at his brother’s wedding. Aaron cannot turn down a check, so he performed at the Cherry Blossom parade in DC and he didn’t make it back to California in time because the plane had mechanical problems. Damn you, Spirit Airlines! Aaron’s rep (yes, he has on those) said this:

“Aaron signed a contract to appear at the Cherry Blossom parade in D.C. before Nick’s wedding date was announced. [We] realized there was a problem and figured out he could perform and get him to Santa Barbara so he would be there for the last two hours of the reception. Tickets were purchased and the plan was in place. It was a major operation to get him there in time. Aaron didn’t blow anything off and would have been there – it’s a real bummer for him. He feels bad he missed the wedding.”

Nick Carter is an asshole for not canceling his wedding. How can he get married without his former partner in meth, his brother, next to him? How can he dance with his new wife without his brother next to them dancing with a Hilary Duff cardboard cutout? I bet the Hilary Duff cardboard cutout was finally going to put out last night too. Poor Aaron.

Pics: Splash