I’m going to assume when you have a lot of mouths to feed, you need to come up with the most efficient way to make sure you’re not the mom your kid discusses neglect about with their therapist. And one New York mother of 12, Alicia Dougherty, thought she created a cheat code for feeding her family by crafting a huge nacho bowl inside of a kiddie pool. But the internet thinks otherwise and immediately chastised her for her lazy culinary attempt.
Between her 2020 memoir, Open Book, and her recent short story about one of her ancient Hollywood hookups, it seems like Jessica Simpson has hit the stretch of her long career where she’s decidedly ready just to let it all hang out. And in that vein, she also decided to prove that she’s still the silliest goose at church camp by posting a picture on Instagram of her draining the main (lady)vein in the grass in the middle of an outdoor photoshoot set. Maybe “outdoor pisser” was one of the line items on publicists’ “don’t date Jessica Simpson” client guidelines? Though neither Jessica’s crotch nor urine was visible in her post, as per usual, the internet had thoughts.
Think Big Candy hasn’t gone too far? Think again. Let’s pretend for a minute that Christmas candy is a thing. Like, make-believe that Halloween candy and Christmas cookies don’t exist and the only seasonally dictated sweet treats that everyone agrees are essential mainstays and are talked about with eager anticipation is what The Takeout calls “Christmas candy.” Now name one. Yes! Candy canes are Christmas candy— good job, you! Now name ten. Not so easy now, is it? What if I asked you not only to name ten different kinds of Christmas candies but to be aware of enough unique Christmas candies to come up with a list of ten of America’s Most Hated. That’s what the indentured elfin workers at candy wholesaler CandyStore.com were forced to do in order to meet their first quarter quota. But at what cost? Countless elf families will be feeling the pinch this holiday just so you, the consumer, can be fooled into thinking that red, green, and white candy corn is a reviled Christmas tradition (#2 Most Hated) called “reindeer corn.”
As if there wasn’t already abundant proof that humanity is truly in the shitter, Disneyland is selling peanut butter and jelly macaroni topped with pop rocks. According to The Takeout, “the peanut butter & jelly mac involves macaroni noodles coated in a peanut butter sauce and finished off with a dollop of strawberry jelly, a sprinkle of brown sugar streusel, and a layer of strawberry crackle.” I’d like to see whoever came up with this WMD (weapon of mass diarrhea) answer for their crimes!