Think Big Candy hasn’t gone too far? Think again. Let’s pretend for a minute that Christmas candy is a thing. Like, make-believe that Halloween candy and Christmas cookies don’t exist and the only seasonally dictated sweet treats that everyone agrees are essential mainstays and are talked about with eager anticipation is what The Takeout calls “Christmas candy.” Now name one. Yes! Candy canes are Christmas candy— good job, you! Now name ten. Not so easy now, is it? What if I asked you not only to name ten different kinds of Christmas candies but to be aware of enough unique Christmas candies to come up with a list of ten of America’s Most Hated. That’s what the indentured elfin workers at candy wholesaler CandyStore.com were forced to do in order to meet their first quarter quota. But at what cost? Countless elf families will be feeling the pinch this holiday just so you, the consumer, can be fooled into thinking that red, green, and white candy corn is a reviled Christmas tradition (#2 Most Hated) called “reindeer corn.”
Citizens united against Big Candy; now is the time to take a stand. Let us not throw our elfin brothers and sisters into the vat of molten sugar that oozes at the center of the Big Christmas Lie. Here’s the list, which includes “peppermint bark” (#9), something I thought people actually enjoyed, and snowman-shaped “peeps” (#7) another twisted attempt to usurp a different holiday’s staple (see #2) to fit Big Candy’s perverse agenda.
I don’t even know where to start. How can something called “Christmas Nougat Candy” land the #1 spot on any list, for good or for bad, if even I, a dyed-in-the-wool Snickerdoodle superfan, could not describe upon threat of death. know my holiday treats from Valentine’s Day (See’s peanut brittle) straight through to New Year’s Day (3 AM PB&J eaten over the sink), and no nougat of any kind has ever made the cut. Literally, the only person I can think of that has conceivably ever purchased #6 is whoever Mariah Carey hires to decorate her guest bathrooms for the holidays. If you left any one of these candies out for Santa in lieu of cookies, his reindeer would be leaving YOU some “corn” of their own! Shit, maybe Santa would too. Right in your stocking.