Ving Rhames Was Held By Police At Gunpoint As A Robbery Suspect In His Own Home

If you need a momentary break from the ongoing crappenings of the #Metoo movement today, you’re in luck! Here’s a little tale of some good old fashion American racism to take your mind off of things. Wait… that doesn’t work, does it? Damn it to hell! I’m sure Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson will get some more matching tattoos soon, but first, force yourself to swallow this humdinger brought to us by Vulture.

On Friday, Actor Ving Rhames (forever Marcellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction) was a guest on SiriusXM’s The Clay Cane Show, when he was asked “How does racism show itself in your life?”. Ving responded “hold my beer” and launched into a pretty fucked up story involving the cops, a paranoid white neighbor, and a gun pulled on him inside of his own house. Continue reading

Diplo Says Starting Shit With Taylor Swift Was One Of The Biggest Career Mistakes He Ever Made

“You hear that Meredith? Let this be a warning; you don’t fuck with Queen Butterscotch.”

Everybody has made dumb mistakes at work (flashback to me drinking the last of the Champale in the Dlisted lunchroom before realizing Gob Bluth-style that I’ve made a huge mistake), and for professional iTunes jockey Diplo, the biggest mistake of his career was coming for the head cheerleader of the recording industry Taylor Swift and her flatter than flat ass on Twitter back in November. Diplo told GQ back in January that his life had become a living nightmare thanks to Taylor Swift’s army of hardcore ride-or-die fans, and I guess he didn’t get all his thoughts out the first time, because he recently spoke to GQ Style (via Daily Mail) about it once again, this time adding that dragging Taylor Swift was a big mistake. Big. Huge!

“All I know is don’t ever get into a feud with Taylor Swift. She has like 50 million people that will die for her. It’s like an army that’s worse than North Korea. You can’t step into that arena. That was something I was never prepared for. One of the biggest mistakes of my career was definitely fucking with her.”

Uh huh. I totally believe you regret doing the thing that has gotten you 1000x more attention than you ever got pressing play in iTunes. Sure.

Of course, Diplo has since made up with Sprinkles Jong-un, but I’m sure he still nervously checks over his shoulder every time he enters an American Girl Doll store for Taylor Swift fans who might recognize him as the man who dared to insult their beloved leader.

And speaking of both DJs and Taylor Swift, Heat magazine (I’ll wait while you grab a handful of salt) says Tay Tay might be currently humping on Rita Ora’s former DJ piece Calvin Harris. Tay Tay reportedly went to see him perform in Las Vegas and was seen hanging out with him after the show where they talked to each other for 8 minutes. I know that an 8-minute conversation seems like a major reach, but to be honest, I’m pretty sure Taylor Swift considers anything over a 2-minute conversation with a boy to be a serious date.

Scott Weiland Says The Scott Weiland Who Got Busted For Meth And Stealing Razors At Rite Aid Isn’t Him

“Uh huh, sure” – the look on that guy’s face behind him.

Yesterday, TMZ reported that Scott Weiland – the singer from the Stone Temple Pilots, Velvet Revolver, and former frequent visitor to the all-you-can-eat bad shit buffet – had been arrested four weeks ago and was currently sitting in an L.A. County jail cell. According to TMZ (via Gawker), it all started when Scott got busted by a security guard stealing razors at a Rite Aid in Beverly Hills. Scott made a break for it, but got about halfway down the block before police caught up to him, and when they went to search him, they found his pockets were stuffed with more than Mach3’s; Scott’s pockets were filled with THE METH.

Scott Weiland allegedly pulled the “I’m Scott Weiland from the Stone Temple Pilots” card, but it didn’t do any damn good because they still hauled his ass down to the station and set his bail at $95,000. Rookie mistake! If he’d only have said “I’m the owner of the giant lumpy acid green moose knuckle in the ‘Big Bang Baby’ video”, he probably would have been given $95,000, asked to sign a couple autographs (“To Officer Jenkins – keep up the good work XO Scott Weiland’s dick bulge”), and set free! But he didn’t, and so Scott Weiland was booked for meth possession and burglary and has been sitting in a jail cell for four weeks waiting for Slash or Duff McKagan to post his bail. Continue reading

Charlize Theron’s Smart Friends Are Warning Her To Think Twice About Marrying Sean Penn

I know I specified it was Charlie Theron’s smart friends who are warning her about making it legal with human-sized rectal prolapse Sean Penn, but I’m sure that even the dumbest, slowest mouth breathers in her life would be like “Damn bitch, do you need a lobotomy??”

Last week, Charlize was spotted wearing a fancy ring on THAT FINGER while strolling through the airport, and while she hasn’t commented on it (I’m sure the official statement will just be the words “Oh my god“ and a bitchy eye-roll), most are speculating that Sean Penn got down on one brittle beef jerky knee and popped the question. But according to the National Enquirer, Charlize’s friends are nervously tugging at their collars, because they’re afraid her life will turn into a remake of Sleeping with the Enemy:

Friends are concerned that the fairy-tale romance between the “Monster” actress and the “Milk” star could lead to a nightmare marriage. In 1987, Sean was sentenced to 60 days in jail for punching a movie extra in the face numerous times on the set of “Colors.” That same year, he was also charged with domestic assault after he whacked then-wife Madonna across the head with a baseball bat. In 2012, Sean uttered an amazing understatement: “I don’t control my temper well.”

“They’re urging her to think twice before finally heading down the aisle with Sean.”

Charlize’s friends sound like they mean well, but when your friend is Stage-10 dickmatized to a raging deep-fried asshole like Sean Penn, you need to do a lot more than “urge” them to think twice about getting married. You need to book them an appointment with an old timey hypnotist who can wipe their memory clean of his angry squished nutsac of a face. And if that doesn’t work, you force her to watch Shanghai Surprise, Clockwork Orange-style, over and over and over until the mere sight of his face makes her shudder with second-hand embarrassment.

And I hope Sean Penn’s friends are also warning him to “think twice” about marrying a TGIF-hating bitch like Charlize. He does know she committed an act of extreme disrespect by hissing at 1/2 of Sister Sister, right???

Selena Gomez Took The Little Boy She’s Babysitting To The Zoo

Selena Gomez really wanted to get a part-time job working at the mall this summer, but despite stapling her resume to a copy of her birth certificate, driver’s license, a recent bone scan, several birthday cards, and a photograph of her holding a newspaper from 1994, nobody would believe she wasn’t a toddler and refused to hire her because they didn’t want a visit from the child labor board. So Selena was forced to take the job she had last summer: babysitting Justin Bieber.

Selena learned from last year that if she doesn’t keep Justin busy with activities, he’s bound to sneak off and do hoodrat stuff, so on Sunday Selena took Justin to the L.A. Zoo. Us Weekly says that Justin’s grandparents also went to help her keep an eye on Pattie Mallette’s future retirement fund (one day she’ll retire from being a shameless pimp) and it sounds like Justin was on his best behavior:

“In front of the piranha tank, there was a little [disabled] girl in a wheelchair. Justin walked over, put his arm around her, and asked the family to take a picture.”

He took a picture with a wheelchair girl AND was so well-behaved he didn’t need to wear a child leash?! Usually watching Justin all summer is a fucking headache because his mom lets him do whatever he wants and he’s always running away on his Big Wheels. But it sounds like he’s trying to be a good boy ever since he was grounded for saying the n-word. This summer will be a piece of cake! Selena gets a break every day when he goes down for his 3-hour post-sizzurp afternoon nap, he’s always on his best behavior when they go out in public, plus she doesn’t have to change any diapers, since he’s finally potty trained now (well, save for a few accidents here and there, but give him a break, he’s still learning).

Pic: Instagram

A Sequel To Mrs. Doubtfire Is Happening And Mara Wilson Wants No Part Of It

If you’re a die-hard Doubtflamer like myself who greets people by saying “HELLOOO!” or shouts out “Help is on the way!” whenever someone starts coughing, please join me in angrily whipping a lime at The Hollywood Reporter, because they’ve announced that Hollywood will be taking a giant, smelly shit all over the memory of one of THE GREATEST FILMS EVERY MADE, Mrs. Doubtfire, by releasing a sequel more than 20 years after its release. Yeah, fuck you too, Hollywood.

Both Robin Williams and director Chris Columbus have agreed to return because – duh – money, but they should probably start holding open auditions for precociously lispy kids, because Mara Wilson (who played “Natalie Hillard”, aka the one who was always begging Robin Williams to read Thtuart Little and Tharlot’s Wabb) would rather be pelted with a million pieces of citrus than appear in that future mess:

For the record, no, I do not have anything to do with the Mrs. Doubtfire sequel, nor will I.

— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) April 17, 2014

I've been in some mediocre movies, but I've never been in a sequel. And I have no interest in being in one now.

— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) April 17, 2014

Sequels generally suck unless they were planned as part of a trilogy or series. I think Doubtfire ended where it needed to end.

— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) April 17, 2014

It doesn’t take a genius to know that Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Electric Hellooo!-aloo is going to be a goddamned disaster, so it’s not surprising that someone from the original cast is coming forward to say what we’re all thinking. And besides, we don’t need Mrs. Doubtfire anymore; the position for a woman with a fake padded ass and a plastic latex face who wears couch fabric clothes has been filled by Kim Kardashian.