Scott Weiland Says The Scott Weiland Who Got Busted For Meth And Stealing Razors At Rite Aid Isn’t Him

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

“Uh huh, sure” – the look on that guy’s face behind him.

Yesterday, TMZ reported that Scott Weiland – the singer from the Stone Temple Pilots, Velvet Revolver, and former frequent visitor to the all-you-can-eat bad shit buffet – had been arrested four weeks ago and was currently sitting in an L.A. County jail cell. According to TMZ (via Gawker), it all started when Scott got busted by a security guard stealing razors at a Rite Aid in Beverly Hills. Scott made a break for it, but got about halfway down the block before police caught up to him, and when they went to search him, they found his pockets were stuffed with more than Mach3’s; Scott’s pockets were filled with THE METH.

Scott Weiland allegedly pulled the “I’m Scott Weiland from the Stone Temple Pilots” card, but it didn’t do any damn good because they still hauled his ass down to the station and set his bail at $95,000. Rookie mistake! If he’d only have said “I’m the owner of the giant lumpy acid green moose knuckle in the ‘Big Bang Baby’ video”, he probably would have been given $95,000, asked to sign a couple autographs (“To Officer Jenkins – keep up the good work XO Scott Weiland’s dick bulge”), and set free! But he didn’t, and so Scott Weiland was booked for meth possession and burglary and has been sitting in a jail cell for four weeks waiting for Slash or Duff McKagan to post his bail.

The only problem was that Scott Weiland, the REAL Scott Weiland, was actually sitting in a recording studio in Los Angeles when he heard the news that he’d been arrested for pilfering razors and carrying meth and was spending his summer in jail. So he recorded a video from his studio calling out TMZ and posted it to his Facebook to prove that he’s not in jail and he hasn’t been stealing razors from Rite Aid, and finishes by hissing that TMZ will be hearing from his attorneys.

TMZ has since corrected their story, and found out that the Scott Weiland who was arrested for meth and razors (that sounds like a Velvet Revolver song) is actually a dude named Jason Michael Hurley. His real identity was discovered after the police requested an FBI fingerprint analysis four weeks after his arrest, which means that up until then, hearing the words “I’m Scott Weiland” was considered a good enough way to verify someone’s identity.

This story is filled with so many dum-dums, I can’t even handle it. The cops are major dummies for believing the word of a razor-thieving tweaker, Scott Weiland is a dummy for recording a bitchy video and posting it to Facebook like a pissed-off teenage girl, TMZ is dumb for not calling up Scott’s manager and asking “Hey, has Scott been in jail for the past month? Y/N?”, but the biggest dum-dum of all is that razor-stealing meth-head Jason Michael Hurley! You’ve got to be smoking some next-level drugs if you think that trying to convince the police that you’re former drug-addicted life mess Scott Weiland will get you out of an arrest. Again, if he really wanted to get off scott-free (oh, I hate myself for making that pun, trust me) he should have told them he was the owner of the giant lumpy crotch bulge from “Big Bang Baby”! DUH! Bulges fix everything!

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