Taylor Swift Is Full Of Shady Secrets And Her Fans Are The Worst People In The World, So Says Diplo

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Just when you thought the messy middle-school slap fight between student council president Taylor Swift and the kid who thinks he’s a DJ because Mr. Montgomery lets him press play on the stereo at school dances Diplo was over, it appears we’re going to need to call over the recess monitor, because DJ Diplo is starting shit again.

During a recent interview with GQ, Diplo was asked about that time Richmond Avenal’s little sister Lorde dragged him on Twitter for having a tiny dick after he dragged Taylor Swift for having no ass. Since Diplo is a gossip-hissing 13-year-old girl trapped in the body of a grown-ass man, he responded in the way that felt most natural of him: by continuing to hiss at Taylor, as well as her fans. Cue up your “oh here go hell come” gifs now.

Regarding that fight with Lorde: No, I don’t care at all. It’s really dumb. So many great albums came out that week, and all people talked about, on all the big press, was Me vs. Lorde, and Kim Kardashian’s butt. No one covered any music. And it’s funny, because me and Lorde, we’re actually friends, and it was a funny, in-jest conversation. So many tabloids used it to make it story, when it was not. Literally, it was such a tongue-in-cheek joke on both sides. I think Taylor Swift is such an impactful character, that it was because she was involved that it became really big.

Regarding all the shit he has on The Buterscotch Don: She has like forty million Twitter fans. Forty million! Yeah. It’s crazy. I’m a fan though. Her powers—she’s big. She’s strong, bro. Taylor Swift is very strategic with her friends and enemies. And I know lots of secrets. I can’t divulge, but I know a lot of stuff about her. And she’s definitely, there’s definitely scary stuff going on. And I’m scared. I’m scared for my life.

On how the U.N. might want to keep their eyes on Tay Tay’s fans: It sucks for me, because now I have to not be as crazy as I am on the internet. Which totally sucks, because it’s not going to be fun anymore. But the repercussions are really bad. Like, Taylor Swift fans are really crazy. They threatened to murder me and stuff. It’s really bizarre, and disgusting. They’re the worst people in the world.

On how Lady Gaga’s fans would NEVER be so rotten: Yeah. And I’m a pretty big fan. But they’re like “I wish your kids had Down syndrome.” They’re so evil. I dissed Lady Gaga before, and the gays were never even this mean. They’re funny. These people are like mean-spirited, evil human beings. I’m not a politician. I shouldn’t have to be under the microscope for people like that.

So to sum up, Diplo is a huge T-Swft fan, even though she’s a shady secret-hoarding bitch dictator, but he isn’t going to snitch about what he knows, even though the evil Hell-dwelling demon spawn that follow her on Twitter have threatened to murder him. Got it. Is now a good time to remind you all that Diplo is a 36-year-old father of 2?

I know fans are crazy as shit (for example: Tweet the words “To be honest, I don’t think #Beyonce is a very good performer” and see what happens), but I never would have pictured Taylor Swift’s fans to be the death threat type. Writing BITCH!!!! on you locker in Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers, maybe, but death threats? Damn, those 8-year-old girls are nothing to fuck with.

And I really want to know what Tay Tay’s strategic secrets are. That actually sounds like the name of a board game. “I got a high-profile beard contract with an up-and-coming pop star! I win!

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