Sarah Silverman And Michael Sheen Have Broken Up

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder but you know what else it can make grow? Pussy cobwebs and dick dust! Brassy American broad Sarah Silverman and her British thespian boyfriend Michael Sheen broke up over a month ago due to geographical difficulties. Sarah recently made the announcement on Twitter to stop people from constantly asking her “so, how’s Michael?”.

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Michael Sheen Isn’t Quitting Acting To Focus On Political Activism

On Saturday, The Times UK released an interview with Michael Sheen in which he talked about the current political climate and how as a UK person he was affected by the Brexit vote. He’s also a Hollywood person, so he’s indirectly affected by President-Elect Donald Trump. Michael’s not feeling either, and wants to make an effort to fight against the “hard populist right.” Michael said it was important to him to get more involved, and he’s going to start in his hometown of Port Talbot, Wales. He claimed that he’s so passionate about fighting the hard right (that sounded sexier than it should have), and that he could end up stepping away from Hollywood for a while. The media soon took that quote turned it into “MICHAEL SHEEN QUITS HOLLYWOOD FOR CAREER IN POLITICS!” Every critic who pinched their nose at the stink coming from Passengers just thought, “Wow, going out on a high note, I see.”

Well, Michael Sheen isn’t actually quitting acting. Michael Sheen says he didn’t say that.

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“Hehe, I Can’t Believe This Hot Chick Is Crazy Enough To Want To Do Me On A Regular Basis”

I see that doctors have yet to treat the part of Charlize Theron’s brain that thinks it’s okay to publicly hold hands with the pit-cooked Alf doll Sean Penn. It’s not okay, Charlize! Charlize brought the charred German Shepherd to the premiere of A Million Ways To Die In The West in L.A. last night and she let us know that out of a million ways for her vagina to die, she’s choosing death by Sean Penn’s microwaved salchicha peen.

Sean Penn’s dick is probably one of the reasons why Charlize stays with his ass. She’s got a serious case of stage 10 dickmatization and any medical professional will tell you that if you’re riding Sean Penn’s peen and you willingly go out in public with him and smile while doing so, you’ve got stage 10 dickmatization in the worst way. Charlize probably doesn’t even care that Sean Penn makes her put on a Hugo Chavez mask and calls her comrade when he hits it from the front. She’s got it that bad. Get that Alf dick, I guess, Charlize.

Here’s more pictures from last night’s premiere including some of Amanda Seyfried, Sarah Silverman, Michael Sheen and Seth MacFarlane who smiled to keep from crying, because he realized that Charlize considers Sean Penn an upgrade from him.

Pics: Wenn.com

Sarah Silverman Is Letting Michael Sheen Get Familiar With Her Vaaagiiiiina

Drop what you’re doing, run to the bedroom and throw on your most classy peignoir, because you’re going to want to look alagant as hayull when you drop dead from the shocking news that TWO PEOPLE OF THE SAME AGE ARE DATING IN HOLLYWOOD. I know: I’m dying. I’m dead. I’m corpsed right up over this.

Us Weekly are confirming that Sarah Silverman and Michael Sheen (from lots of stuff you know, but mostly as Wesley Snipes from 30 Rock) will be spending Valentine’s Day eating spaghetti like Lady and the Tramp because they are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. A source claims the two were recently “making out at Soho House” adding that they were “all over each other for a lot of the night.” Thank you, unnamed source, for not using the term “sensual kisses“; your muffin basket is in the mail. This isn’t the first time they were spotted (don’t fucking say it, Allison) canoodling; earlier in the month, Michael arrived at his birthday party with Sarah, and left together, with Sarah loading all of Michael Sheen’s birthday presents into the trunk of her car. Presents in the trunk? RELATIONSHIP: CONFIRMED.

Normally I try not to get too excited about new couples (I’m saving my excitement energy for the inevitable announcement that Reza from Shahs of Sunset popped the question to a giant, come-to-life tube of moustache wax) but I’m slow-clapping for these two. Michael Sheen is 45 and Sarah is 43 (which in Hollywood years is 73) so it’s nice to see an actor date someone who’s knowledge of Nirvana isn’t limited to a crop-top from Forever 21. Plus, this means Michael’s peen is officially done with Rachel McAdams, who can FINALLY make the internet’s dreams come true by getting back together with Ryan Gosling.

Rachel McAdams And Michael Sheen Broke Up Too

I can’t believe this is the first time I’m noticing this, but Michael Sheen’s hair is so luxurious. The top of his head is full of luxurious waves of hair crashing into each other. It almost steals the picture from that woman in the back with the immaculate Moses-parted hairline. Almost. So, the American Carey Mulligan and her puppet humper broke up recently and I guess that put something in the air, because Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen broke up too. My thoughts are with Rachel McAdams’ fingers, because they will never run themselves through the sumptuous forest of locks on Michael Sheen’s head again!

UsWeekly says that after 2 years together, Rachel and Michael broke up very recently. They met while doing that Woody Allen movie, they became friends, they humped on each other for a while and now they’re over.

Eva Mendes will be walking around L.A. today with a stick of burning sage in her hand, because she knows the Notebook fangirls will be blowing break-up juju her way. They won’t be able to unclench their b-holes until Ryan Gosling dumps Eva and reunites with Rachel McAdams, because that’s the way it was meant to be.

Whatever, while they blow break-up juju toward Eva, I’ll sit here and get lost in Michael Sheen’s hair. I bet that when a lice lands on his cheek and makes the epic journey up his 500 mile-long desert of skin forehead and spots his gorgeous hair in the distance, it’s like looking at Shangri-La. Perfection.