Touched By A Golden Girl

Elton John wants his name to be on the list when he gets to Heaven, so he made sure to invite earth angel Betty White to his Oscar viewing party last night. Betty White was kind enough to mingle with mere mortals like Posh and Michelle Rodriguez (who probably tried to creep on Betty’s prune cake).

Most of us would be busting into a soul seizure if Betty White touched our hand, but look at Posh being typical Posh by trying to act like she could care less. Or maybe she’s busy trying to deal with the psychical pain she’s suffering on the inside from Betty White’s grip slowly breaking her weak hand bones. Although, that’s not saying much since a handshake from a ghost would hurt frail ass Posh.

Here’s a bunch of other hos who showed up for the camera clicks and free booze. They are: The world’s memaw, Michelle Rodriguez, Posh, Alan Cumming, KD Lang, Stacey Dash with Jamie Foxx, Christina Hendricks, Debi Mazar, Kelly Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, JHud, Salma Hayek, a freshly washed Joaquin Phoenix, RuPaul, Scary Spice, a trio of bossy bottoms, Niecy Nash, and Harvey’s second favorite pet donkey (next to Peter Andre, of course).

Scary Spice Is In Costume

Scary Spice celebrated Whore-o-ween early by leaving her hotel in London tonight dressed like…um…like….I’m not exactly sure. When I first saw these pictures I had just swallowed a grape Fanta so I was suffering from a temporary sugar haze and thought this was Katie Price sans a few layers of tan grease. Maybe that’s what Mel B was going for. Or maybe she’s a Real Housewives of Atlanta fan so she dressed as the broken condom baby of Sheree and Kim’s wig? Who knows? But I do know that her husband’s sessy red lipstick would’ve completed the look.

And you know Eddie Murphy made Mel dress up just like this before slapping his face with a strap-on.

Get It!

Just for shits (aka for maximum pap exposure), Scary Spice’s husband, Stephen Belafonte, decided to get an Xtina smear on his lips and hit the streets looking like a female version of Khloe Kardashian. You can tell Stephen is loving this from his toe nails to his bald head. All of Stephen’s lips are puckering!

And I would never have guessed that Stephen is a Winter, but that red really brings out the fierceness in his face.

Blohan’s Big Comeback!

I’ve made jokes about how Blohan will soon have to shake her freckled coke bag tittays for an 8-ball and now it looks like she actually might have to. Juggle them chichis for some sugar!

Over the weekend, Blohan went to the opening night of Peepshow, an ass and titty show in Las Vegas starring Scary Spice and Kelly Monaco. Fox News says Blohan was there to meet with the show’s creator Jerry Mitchell about possibly replacing Kelly Monaco in three-months. One source said Blohan can’t wait, because she really is a triple threat. She’s a triple threat alright! Bitch is a master snorter, sucker and blower. Blohan thinks that doing the show will give her theater cred. Yeah, because learning how to do figure eights with nipple tassles while thrusting your pussay bone is really going to convince Broadway producers to cast her as Nora in A Doll’s House. Stick that on your resume under “other talents.”

The saddest and most hilarious part is that Blohan has to compete against Holly Madison and Brooke Burke for the role! That hurts like a dick after daggering. Next stop: pushing racks of clothes as an extra on The City!

You know, maybe this isn’t such a bad idea. I mean, not only is Las Vegas the perfect place for a cokey-brained booze-slut, but one of my idols in life, Nomi Malone, went from truck stop prostitute to titty star and it worked out so well for her. Blohan is totally the new Nomi Malone! “Different places!”

Father Of The Year

Eddie Murphy has never seen his 11-month-old daughter by Scary Spice. He isn’t planning on seeing her anytime soon either. According to The National Enquirer, Eddie claims Scary told him she was on the pill and that she tricked him into getting her knocked up. A source said, “What was supposed to be a casual relationship ended with her having his baby and taking him to court for millions.” Yes, because she also forced him to not wear a condom and bust a nutty professor inside her. She also wants his millions, because all the millions she already has is not enough. That makes a lot of sense.

Eddie’s lawyer claims he paid Scary $15,000 a month while she was pregnant and even covered her medical expenses. They are still fighting over child support. Scary reportedly wants a $9 million house and living expenses for the next 18 years. Damn, I guess she does want more millions. Go on then!

Eddie plans to see his daughter, Angel Iris Murphy Brown, when she’s older. “He says he will have to wait until Angel is older before he can get to know her without any interference from her mother.”

That’s a good idea. That way Murphy Brown will be old enough to tell him to fuck off!

Lazies!!!

The Spice Girls announced that are cutting their world tour short, because of “family commitments” and touring logistics. They have already performed in Europe, UK, Canada and the US. They were supposed to go on until June playing dates in South Africa, Australia, China and Argentina, but will end their shit in Toronto on February 26th instead. Their management denies they are ending due to poor ticket sales.

The Daily Mirror reports that they aren’t ending the tour, because of the reasons they gave. They are ending it, because they hate each other again. Scary and Sporty apparently are completely over it. Scary wants to get back to her family and Sporty is afraid it will jeopardize her solo career.

Menopause is a bitch. Listen, these hos made a commitment and they should see it out. Quitting a commitment is not “girl power.” That is “girl laziness.” Pop the hormones, put on those hideous outfits, show the camel toe and get the hell out and lip-synch like there’s no tomorrow.