Mel B’s Husband Has Never Hit Her, So Says Mel B

Two weeks ago, Scary Spice spent some time in the hospital and when she got out, she had bruises on her arms and her eye looked a little wonky. That led to people speculating that her husband Stephen Belafonte beat her up. There were also rumors that she moved out of their house and took her daughters with her. Mel B didn’t say anything about this mess until yesterday when she Instgrammed a picture of them together at some event. She also let her fans know that her husband, Dr. Evil’s understudy, has never beat her and everything is just rainbows and kitten burps:

This is for my fans havin problems with my Twitter will be back soon! I’m very good was very polly but much better now and for the record my hubby never would lay a hand on me sorry took so long but any response fuels rumors #lovemyfamily #lovemyfans

Stephen, who was convicted of domestic abuse in 2003 for beating the mother of his kid, has mouth shat up a stream of denials and claims he has never hit Mel B. But what is he going to say? If he said he beat a Spice Girl, he’d find Ginger Spice’s red platform boot on his face.

Mel B’s estranged mother isn’t buying Stephen’s denials. Last week, she tweeted several times about the son-in-law she has never gotten along with and let it be known that she thinks her daughter is a victim of abuse.

I was going to say that Mel B’s mom should log off Twitter and strike back at Stephen Belafonte the old-fashioned way by going down to his job to scream at him in the lobby, but I don’t even know if he has a job.

Something in the milk ain’t clean about this. My thoughts about this situation are best expressed through the lady behind Mel B throwing an uncomfortable side-eye in the shadows.

Pic: Instagram

Scary Spice Leaves Her Husband Just A Day After He Denied Abusing Her

When Mel B went back to the X-Factor UK on Sunday, finale night, after missing one live show due to some kind of mystery illness, she wasn’t wearing her wedding ring and she had bruises and cuts on her arms. Before Sunday’s live show, Mel B’s sister, Danielle Brown, tweeted (and later deleted) out a dramatic plea to her sister’s American producer husband of 7 years Stephen Belafonte (no relation to Shari, thankfully). Danielle begged Stephen to tell her what’s going on with her sister, because her family didn’t know where Mel was. Danielle Brown threatened to EXPOSE Stephen Belafonte by releasing phone calls she recorded including one where he allegedly got verbally abusive. So the tabloids and people on Twitter did the math. They took Danielle Brown’s tweets, added that to the cuts and bruises on Mel B’s arms and guessed that Stephen Ike Turnered her. But Stephen’s sleazy Mr. Clean-looking ass denied it yesterday on Twitter.

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Scary Spice Says She Dated A Mom She Met At Her Kid’s School For 4 Years

“You got any tips for picking up school MILFs? Cause I’ve been casting my rod, but the fish ain’t biting” asked The Deaner, as he was shut down for 84th time this week.

Melanie Brown (aka Mel B aka Scary Spice aka who I always wanted to be when I played Spice Girls with my friends, but due to my inability to sing meant I had to play Posh) has been rubbing her down-lows on producer Stephen Belafonte since 2007, but she recently admitted during an interview with The Guardian that before Stephen and, one would assume, Eddie Murphy (remember that mess? Ah, 2007 – you were truly the greatest year) she was involved in a four-year relationship with a mom she met at her daughter’s school. In response to a comment about her sexuality, Mel B says:

“Well, I did have a four-year relationship with a woman. But I’ve been very happily married for seven years to a penis. Ha ha! An amazing guy. Well, you know what I mean. But I’ve definitely not been shy or been one to hold back. If I wanted to try something, I did. I had a girlfriend. So what?”

She then went on to say that, despite making out with former Playboy models, her and Stephen don’t have an open relationship, so – sorry horny soccer moms, Mel B’s pussy is closed for business.

There is so much about Mel B’s statement that I love, starting with the image of her being married to a penis. I just pictured Stephen drawing a face on his dick, dressing it up in a little dick-sized tuxedo, and tying a wedding ring to his left nut. But I especially love that she pulled a Fred Armisen-as-Joy Behar and closed with a ‘so what?’ “Yeah, I dated a woman I met during a PTA meeting – so what, who cares?“

The Spice Girls Reunite And Posh Could Give A Shit

CORRECTION: That headline is factually wrong, because Posh can’t physically give a shit. Posh had her entire digestive system removed, because it’s not like she uses it anyway and it was getting in the way of her having a waist smaller than a grasshopper’s peen shaft. So I should’ve wrote: Posh Could Give A Queef.

So, Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Ginger Spice, Baby Spice and Tall Olsen Spice all gathered in front of the steps where they zig-a-zig-ah-ed in the Wannabe video 16 years ago to officially announce the Spice Girls musical. The musical will start with Scary, Sporty, Ginger and Baby discovering a miserable alien in a crashed asteroid and molding her into the Dark Crystal praying mantis she is today. Jennifer Saunders (that’s Edina Monsoon to you and me) wrote the musical’s book and Judy Craymer (the one in the pictures below who looks like an Asian Ellen Barkin) is producing it. Viva Forever! will open at the Piccadilly Theater in London’s West End this December.

Here’s Scary, Sporty, Ginger and Baby being all excited about getting a check while trying to ignore the luxury-wrapped skinny black cloud of poutiness next to them:

Oh, Posh, please forever remain that angst-ridden Emo goth teen who ruins Christmas by looking as miserable as possible while sitting at the dinner table. Seriously, I kept waiting for Posh to pull out a razor and start cutting herself while reciting Morrissey lyrics.

Practically All Of The Spice Girls Are Knocked Up

Posh Spice is eating for one, Baby’s having a baby, and now Scary Spice has announced that she has also caught fetus fever. SPICE UP YOUR OVARIES! The state of Sporty and Ginger’s uterus is unknown at this time, but I have a feeling it won’t be long for tiny hands to slap a DO NOT DISTURB sign over their wombs. When they signed their souls over to Simon Fuller, the fine print on their contract stated that they must birth heirs to the Spice Girls throne at the same time. Having seen the Spice Girls in concert, I can say with confidence that the Spice Babies will probably be better at lip-synching than their predecessors.

Scary Spice used Hello Magazine (via The Sun) to announce that she and her husband of 3.5 years Stephen Belafonte (no relation to Shari) will have a brand new baby friend in their arms this summer. Scary already has a 12-year-old daughter named Phoenix Chi and a three-year-old daughter with Eddie Murphy named Angel Iris. This will be her first with Stephen and she’s under the sun about it!

“We’re really excited. We wouldn’t have planned and waited for four yours to have a baby if we weren’t really excited about it and ready for it. Even though you can never really be truly ready.

I haven’t fully decided if I want to know (the sex of the baby) or not. I’m over the first trimester, so I’m past the shady three months and on to safe territory. The first three months, I was pretty sick and tired, to be honest, which I’ve never been before. I’m always broody. Hopefully, I’m going to be pregnant by the end of this year, or, if not, next year. I love kids.”

My favorite part of this news is the comments it has produced over at The Sun. Some people can’t believe that Scary is going to have three kids with three different fathers (example: “Having 3 kids by 3 different fathers is nothing to be proud of, love”)!!!!!! The hell are they throwing shade at? Of course this is something to be proud of! It means that Scary has equal opportunity ovaries and an International womb house of fetuses in her body. That is something to be proud of, love.

Besides, just think of the baby names Scary will come up with. She’s already got a Phoenix Chi and an Angel Iris, so I’m thinking she’s going to go with either Tuscon Tai Latte or Buffy Pupil.

Okay, Jada Pinkett Smith

Scary Spice not only has the abs of Jada Pinkett Smith (who also has the abs of the child bodybuilder), but she has a hongray vagina like her too. And just like Jada, she wants the entire world to know about it.

Scary, who is the host of Dance Your Ass Off, told George Lopez last night that she regularly fucks her pussy off. Then she slaps it back on and fucks some more until her husband starts cumming air or until the Crisco tin runs dry.

When George asked Scary what her fitness secret is, she answered, “Your fitness secret…is that you fancy a shag…that you have sex five times a day with your husband. Well today was a busy day, so it was just three. Me and my husband, we’re the same age, he is my best friend and I guess we’re both just perverts with each other.”

Sure, doing serious sexy times does make you sweat like White Oprah in a Carvel, and sometimes your dude might poke in the wrong spot which makes your stomach crunch (that counts as a sit-up), but Jane Fonda will tell you it doesn’t count as exercise! Besides, whatever calories I lose from doing that shit comes back in droves afterwards. As soon the jizz hits the wall (depending on their aim), I’m immediately craving a wet nap and anything fried. Some bitches like to cuddle with their fuck partner, I like to cuddle with a two-piece and a buttery biscuit. So Scary needs to stop joking! The only hard object she’s handling all day is a damn weight!

via HuffPo