Vanity Fair Exposes Tommy Girl’s Beard Grooming Habits

The sound of a bloated gay walrus cackling is coming from the Scientology salon this afternoon, because as one of the stylists grooms and prunes the dead beaver on John Travolta’s head, he’s giggling with the goyls about Vanity Fair’s cover story on the search to find Tommy Girl’s third beard wife.

Most of us already know the romantic tale of how Scientology auditioned several actresses for the role of Tommy’s wife and when ScarJo and Jessica Alba ran far away from that foolery, they settled on Katie Holmes‘ simple ass. Vanity Fair’s Maureen Orth went deeper into that mess and writes that Iranian-born, British-raised actress Nazanin Boniadi almost became Mrs. Tommy Girl, but she screwed it up by “disrespecting” Scientology’s other reigning tiny queen David Miscavige.

After Nicole Kidman’s marriage contract with Tommy was up, Scientology wanted to find the perfect beard wife who’d obey all the laws of L. Ron Hubbard and who’d keep a straight face when Tommy sashayed in smelling like man anus and dick milk. David Miscavige’s wife Shelly was named team leader of Mission Impossible: Make Tommy Look Like He’s Into Pussy. Shelly started looking for Tommy’s third wife within Scientology and narrowed in on Nazanin.

The head crazies at Scientology brought Nazanin in and told her she’d been selected for a very important mission. For one full month, they audited her every day and made her over by making her lose her braces, highlights and boyfriend. Nazanin had to sign a confidentiality agreement and Scientology threatened to brand her with the “suppressive person” title if she screwed with them. When Scientology thought she was ready to meet Tommy Girl, they flew her to NYC for a date, which was chaperoned by several members of the cult.

On the first night of their date, Nazanin, who realized quickly this was an arranged marriage type of situation, stayed in Tommy’s hotel suite, but they didn’t bone, because his special alien powers failed him when he couldn’t make a 9″ dick grow out of her vagina. Tommy and Scientology kept grooming Nazanin for the next two months and she supposedly fell in love with his little ass. Scientology took away Nazanin’s access to her own checking account and the only form of money she had was a credit card in the name of Tommy’s production company. Every day, Nazanin was audited and had to verbally barf out any negative thoughts she had about Tommy. Even though Nazanin tried to stroke Tommy’s ego as much as she could, it was never enough for him and he would tell her shit like, “I get more love from an extra than I do from you.” Tommy had a point, because that extra was totally a dude and that extra’s peen probably kissed his Scientolohole several times. That’s real love.

Eventually, Nazanin was shaved off of Tommy’s face, because they didn’t think she was famous enough and because she disrespected Miss David Miscavige by doing this:

According to the knowledgeable source, Boniadi also offended Scientology chief David Miscavige, who speaks rapidly, because she kept saying, “Excuse me?” when she was entertaining him and his wife during a visit to Telluride. In Scientology, the ability to have your communication “land” is crucial. Boniadi was excoriated by Cruise for disrespecting Miscavige. (A representative for Miscavige told Vanity Fair, “Mr. Miscavige doesn’t remember any girlfriend of anyone, in his entire life, insulting him.”)

Tommy never dumped Nazanin himself, but she learned he was done with her when she was moved out of his house and into the Scientology Center in Florida. When she was there, Nazanin told a friend about how she dated Tommy and the friend ratted a bitch out by reporting her to the head crazies at Scientology. Nazanin wasn’t ever supposed to talk about being Tommy’s beard, so they punished her by making her watch Battlefield Earth while completely sober. No, they punished her by making her feed Whoppers to Kirstie Alley. If you’ve ever seen a Scientologist with missing fingers and wondered how that happened, you now know how that happened.

NO, they really punished Nazanin by making her scrub toilets with toothbrushes, sell Dianetics on street corners and dig ditches in the middle of the night.

Of course, Scientology denies every single piece of Vanity Fair’s story.

None of this is exactly shocking or new, but every now and again we need to be reminded that nothing good comes from Scientology. Okay, that’s not totally true. Something good can come from Scientology if they make a reality show about the search for Tommy’s next beard. They can call it The Batshitcrazylor. And instead of giving them a rose, Tommy will give the losers a shovel to dig ditches (aka their own grave) in the dirt field behind the Scientology Center.

Surprise, Surprise, Lindsay Lohan Is Off The Hook

That dude is totally thinking to himself, “I know this bitch is going to blame me for something.”

Another Lindsay Lohan mug shot won’t grace the wall of achievement in White Oprah’s den, because the D.A. in Los Angeles has pushed that jewel heist case off of their desks and they won’t charge her and she won’t get arrested. Prosecutors tell E! News that there’s just not any evidence to charge anybody with thieving and they can’t charge LiLo with shit, because California just isn’t equipped with enough medical professional to deal with all the shocked hos who will have a heart attack that if LiLo actually goes to jail for longer than 5 seconds. One of the prosecutors said this to E!:

“We do not have sufficient evidence to prove this case beyond a reasonable doubt. One of the suspects makes a vague admission that he and the others were there, and that ‘someone’ took something but is not more specific than that. The fact that our suspects are found in a car that is similar to the one seen at the time of the burglary adds little to the case. In addition to these evidentiary insufficiencies, the [victims] do not wish to pursue the prosecution of this matter.”

Sam Magid, the “victim,” first said that some thieving thief snatched $100,000 worth of watches and then he changed his mind and said that nothing was taken. I wonder why (cut to me doing the “licking the tip while giving a handy” move).  TMZ says that LiLo’s got Sam wrapped around her snortin’ finger and he texted her with: “I officially told Detective Rodriguez you can’t take anything from me cause what’s mine is yours.” Sam is apparently in love with that mess and he promised to fight for her.

Wait, so a multi-millionaire has crack smoke hearts in his eyes for LiLo and she’s trying to steal some stupid watches from his ass? This bitch is really trying to redefine the meaning of dumb. LiLo has a rich ass bitch who is obviously out of his mind in her freckled paws and she’s not trying to trick him into eloping with her without a prenup? When you see a baby with candy in its hand, you’re not supposed just take its candy. You’re supposed to trick the baby into eloping with you without a prenup so you can get your hands on ALL of its candy. Everybody knows that! I swear, LiLo needs to have several seats and reevaluate all the shitty choices she’s made as a con artist.

Kleptohan Is A Suspect In That Jewelry Heist

Like nobody saw this mess coming, but TMZ says that the LAPD think that known crackburglar Lindsay Lohan and her assistant Gavin Doyle are the ones who snatched $100,000 in watches and sunglasses during an all-night crack party at a mansion in the Hollywood Hills last week. Because duh, when shit goes missing, that bitch snatched it. The next time one of my She-Ra socks goes missing from the dryer, I’m just going to put the blame on LiLo. It will be a fact.

When the police tried to interview LiLo at the house the morning after the theft, she pretty much flashed an F U nail at them and denied that she had anything to do with it. The owner of the house Sam Magid originally told the cops that he thought two of LiLo’s friends did it, but later on he changed his story and said nothing was stolen. Even though Sam says that no crime was committed, the police are still investigating the theft and LiLo and Gavin are the two main suspects, because two independent witnesses saw some incriminating shit. The LAPD contacted LiLo’s lawyer to schedule an interview, but she told them to eff off again.

LiLo is still on probation for that other jewel theft case, so if she’s charged with anything, she could go directly to jail. To which, Lady Justice responded with: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My guess is that Sam and LiLo were in on some insurance scam together, but when the police started sniffing too much, Sam called the whole thing off. Or LiLo did snatch those watches and when the police started sniffing too much, she gave the jewelry back and threatened to give Sam a hand job if he went to the cops. I’ve won a few games of Clue: The VCR Mystery Game, so I know what I’m talking about.

But really, another jewel heist? LiLo already stole some jewelry. You’d think she would’ve moved on to bigger shit like a bank robbery, a Ponzi scheme or an e-mail scam or something. But she’s staying a small time trick. Dumb bitch isn’t even growing as a criminal!

Jennifer Aniston Wants Justin Theroux To Sign A Prenup

The National Enquirer (Side Note: Am I the only one who says “Enquiring minds want to know. I want to know!” every time he reads “The National Enquirer“?) says that when Justin Theroux asked Jennifer Aniston to be his wife, she didn’t scream out YES! YES! before pulling out an ironclad engagement contract and making him sign it in Baby Alive pee (Baby Alive pee IS thicker than blood) so that he can’t change his mind when the wine buzz wears off. But apparently, Jennifer did make Justin promise to sign a prenup before she took that 8.5 carat diamond engagement ring out of his hand. Uh huh.

Playing Rachel Green in almost every single movie she’s in has made Jennifer Aniston over $120 million, so she’s trying to protect her fortune and doesn’t want to trade doing shots of $2,000-a-bottle tequila in a rented multi-million dollar Mexican beach house for doing shots of Sauza at the El Torito in Northridge. Even though Justin looks like a street hobo who lives in a gas station bathroom and steals all of his clothes from Salvation Army donation bins, he’s actually worth $10 million himself, so he’s happy to sign a prenup. Some source said this:

“She’s working feverishly with her lawyers to hash out the pre-nup so she and Justin can marry by the end of the year. Then they plan to start adoption proceedings so they can bring home a baby in 2013. Jen has found her romantic happy ending at last. But she’s been around the block enough times to know that she has to be realistic. God forbid this marriage fails, but if it does, Jen at least wants the security of knowing she won’t be wiped out financially.”

Justin signing that prenup is good news for all of us and by “all of us” I mean me. Because I hope I live long enough to see the headline: “Jennifer Aniston Leaves Entire $120 Million Fortune To Her Cabbage Patch Dolls!” I deserve that!

Oh Yeah, Savannah Guthrie Is Officially The New Ann Curry

While most of the Internet focused all their attention on Katie Holmes’ real-life remake of Prison Break yesterday, NBC quietly released a statement confirming the DUH of all DUHs. No, they didn’t confirm that when you squeeze Matt Lauer too hard, a fountain of Summer’s Eve will shoot out of his mouth. They confirmed that Savannah Guthrie’s got Ann Curry’s old job now, so get used to it. They made it clear on yesterday’s show that Savannah is the new co-host, but they didn’t officially announce it on air. It’s kind of like when my mom and dad split, and my dad made me hang out with him and his new girlfriend without telling me exactly who she was. It was obvious, though. So yesterday, I looked at Savannah through the screen the same way I looked at my dad’s new piece. With eyes that said, “I know why you’re here and I don’t like it, bitch.”

Here’s the BLAH BLAH BLAHs the president of NBC News released to The Washington Post and everybody else yesterday:

“As soon as Savannah joined NBC News she was a standout, reporting for every franchise in the news division and rising through the ranks. She has a one-of-a-kind combination of sharp wit and approachability, and our viewers value her journalistic skills and legal background just as much as her humor and charm. She can effortlessly go from interviewing the Secretary of State to jumping Olympic-sized hurdles on the Plaza. I’m thrilled to welcome Savannah as our newest co-anchor, and along with Matt, Al and Natalie, we’ve got the best morning team in the business.”

They probably went with Savannah over Natalie Morales, Hoda Kotb and Tamron Hall, because she’s almost like a Katie Couric Lite. Savannah seems nice, is smart, is pretty harmless and non-conterverisal. In other words:

No, that is not me 20 years ago. I’m too basic to pull off lime green tights.

(the basic bitch siren call via Slog) 

Why You’ll Never See The Duggars At The Beach

While some of us make it through the hot as hell days of summer by only wearing a battery powered fan necklace, an ice pack thong and some sensible flip-flop heels to really class the look up, the Duggars will gladly overheat in pleated khakis and cotton turtlenecks, thankyouverymuch. In a column for TLC’s Parentables blog (via Babble & ONTD), Michelle Duggar explains for those who don’t watch her show why you’ll never see the sinful sight of her bare thighs at the beach. The Duggars never wears shorts and never go to the beach, because if the boys see a bare lady knee, they’ll hump a bastard child into it. Bare lady knees are the true dark-sided enemy of the lord, obviously.

Here’s a few pieces from Michelle’s blog on keeping it modest for Jesus:

We were searching through scripture, and we found where God talks about a covering — what His idea of that would be. And in our heart before the Lord, we really came to a conclusion for our family about wearing modest clothes.

This isn’t for everyone, and we don’t push this on anybody. And we don’t judge anyone that doesn’t have this perspective, but for us, we felt like we needed to be covered from our neck to below our knees mainly because God talks about the thigh being uncovered, and how that’s nakedness and shame.

Michelle really is speaking the truth. I remember reading in The Bible somewhere that when God created Adam and Eve, he put a pastel button shirt and khakis on Adam and a pastel polo-shirt and long denim skirt on Eve. That’s why God put a Land’s End outlet in the Garden of Eden. Now, I won’t tell you what Adam did in the Land’s End dressing room with the store’s manager Steve. That’s a story for another Bible study class.

And so in our dress — whether we’re doing activities that require us to climb, ride a horse, bike, swim, whatever — we just want to keep the thighs and torso covered; we don’t want to play peekaboo so that there’s a visual element that might defraud someone.

For us the definition of the word defrauding is to stir up desires in someone else that cannot be righteously fulfilled. Now, granted there are a few people out there who could be stirred up by a cardboard box all the way from head to toe, but regardless we want to maintain modest dress.

Growing up I would wear a bathing suit or shorts and not realize that it was revealing. When I got older I really felt convicted about my responsibility for how I was causing others to be defrauded. And I began to cover up because I felt responsible for my part in that.

Again, the truth: Michelle is speaking it. Whenever I’m out in public and see a man’s torso playing a game of peekaboo with me under his tank top, I automatically think he wants to fuck me. Then when I find out the truth, I have to sue him for fraud and call his no-no-teasing torso to the stand. It just gets messy.

I realize that you can’t keep somebody from having wrong thoughts, but I do think you have control at least on how you present yourself. So as the older girls and guys grew up they became sensitive to their clothing choices. The girls would say, “Do you think this is too low-cut or should I put a pin here? Or what do you think about this? Is this too short?”

We really do know that this isn’t for everyone; this is just our personal conviction before our Lord. And this is what our family does. There are some families that are much more modest than we are, while others families may feel like modest dress just isn’t a conviction for them.

If I got a modest swimsuit every time Michelle used the line “We don’t judge anyone, but…” I’d have a new sexy pool outfit for every day of the year.

This is also so easy for Michelle Duggar to type. Michelle doesn’t have to expose her shameful, sin-luring knees to stay cool in the summer. When Michelle feels a sweat coming on, she just has to cool herself down by fanning herself with that wave of beauty on her forehead. Yes, those bangs are both glamorous and functional.