Lindsay Lohan Didn’t Go To Jail Today

If you’re throwing hate at Lindsay Lohan’s bloated balloon face, then as a friend I need to tell you that you’re obviously just jealous, because you wish you were getting derpy on red Sharpie fumes this morning.

LiLo showed up to court this morning and faced her longtime court room rival Judge Stephanie. Not much happened today, though. LiLo pretended to be sick by checking her face for a temperature every now and again and Judge Stephanie gave me an all-natural organic high when she sarcastically said, “I’m glad to see you’re feeling better.” The hearing was mostly a meeting for LiLo to confirm that she’s a certified dim dumb ho for firing Shawn Holley and hiring Mark Heller. But you know, I’m glad that LiLo has Mark Heller for a lawyer now. Two messes belong together.

I am so happy that Willow Ufgood retired from his job as a baby-saving sorcerer, moved to New York,  got a haircut, changed his name to Mark Heller and received his law degree online from the University of Phoenix, because he is gold. For such a little man, he brings a whole lot of fuckery. Mark practically crawled up Judge Stephanie’s culo by telling her what an honor it is to stand before her, because she used to be a New York detective and he really respects her. Judge Stephanie wasn’t licking the sugar that Mark was spewing out and when he told her that LiLo’s upper respiratory infection was the flu, she shot back with something like, “No, an upper respiratory infection is not the flu.” I love Judge Stephanie and I love Counselor Willow.

You can tell that Counselor Willow was ready for some serious business when he came to court today. Just look at his fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and that rabbit foot good luck charm. He was ready to play.

And Judge Stephanie set LiLo’s next hearing for early March. Judge Stephanie is retiring next month so she won’t face LiLo and Counselor Willow again. Let’s all join hands and use the power of prayer to get the court to assign Judge Judy to the case.

A Judge Judy vs. Counselor Willow and LiLo showdown is just what 2013 needs.

Liberty Ross Officially Files Papers To Legally Quit A Bitch

And now you can finally pull out that Liberty and freedom joke you’ve been waiting to use.

Six months after Rupert Sanders got caught by the paparazzi having dry butt sex with Kristen Stewart while looking at the beautiful mountains (or something), his wife of ten years took the first step  in euthanizing their marriage. TMZ says that Liberty Ross filed divorce papers in L.A. yesterday and wants joint custody of their two kids, alimony and wants him to pay her lawyer. Rupert responded and said that he also wants joint custody and he isn’t looking for alimony, but he doesn’t want to pay Liberty’s lawyer either. Cheap bitch.

Some source says that Liberty and Rupert went to see a therapist a few times to try to Super Glue back the pieces of their broken ass marriage, but it didn’t work and they both realized that their marriage is about as dead as Kristen Stewart’s acting skills. A different source tells UsWeekly that Liberty just couldn’t kiss Rupert on the mouth without thinking about how that mouth once nibbled on KStew’s box in the front seat of a Mini Cooper.

“This was a long time coming,” one source tells Us Weekly, explaining that, in the aftermath of the shocking tryst, Sanders “did want to try to repair the relationship and didn’t want a divorce.”

Ross, who picked up her life and career in London to move with her husband to Hollywood a couple years ago, “was more than a little upset,” adds a second insider. “They gave it a shot for the kids, [but] she was just so angry . . .she’s the kind of person who wouldn’t really ever get over it.”

The good news is that this shit has lit up the throbbing, angry b-holes of the Twihards and for the next few days they’ll be typing ROBSTEN IS 4EVA UNBROKEN over and over again on Twitter and Tumblr, so they’ll be busy for a while. The bad news for me is that since Liberty and Rupert’s home is wrecked forever and since KStew’s coochie contributed to that a little, Sienna Miller will have to give her bull dozer vagina platinum status. So Kristen Stewart and my home wrecking hero Sienna Miller are now in the same home wrecking league. Ugh.

Lupe Fiasco Did Exactly What You’d Expect Lupe Fiasco To Do At An Inauguration Concert And He Got Thrown Off The Stage For It

Rapper Lupe Fiasco has been on the Fuck Obama train for a while now and he’s known for not holding back his thoughts on the President. Lupe Fiasco has called Obama a “terrorist” who “killed children” by ordering drone attacks. So who ever booked Lupe’s ass for the StartUp RockOn Inauguration Celebration at Hamilton Live in DC last night either doesn’t know how Google works or knew what they were doing and wanted some easy publicity. Because during his set, Lupe Fiasco pulled a Lupe Fiasco by repeating a verse from his anti-war song “Words I Never Said” over and over again for 30 minutes. These are the lyrics Lupe rapped out on repeat:

Limbaugh is a racist/ Glenn Beck is a racist/ Gaza Strip was getting bombed, Obama didn’t say shit/ That’s why I didn’t vote for him, next one either

The organizers told Lupe to keep it moving, but he didn’t and just kept repeating those lyrics. The organizers finally pulled everyone out of the 30 minute-long anti-Obama tornado by flipping off the lights and turning off Lupe’s mic. Lupe was then escorted off the stage. The organizers later issued a statement to HyperVocal saying that they didn’t put Lupe on the curb because of his anti-Obama views, they put him on the curb because he was a broken record and they needed to keep it moving.

“Lupe Fiasco performed at this private event, and as you may have read, he left the stage earlier than we had planned. But Lupe Fiasco was not “kicked off stage” for an “anti-Obama rant.” We are staunch supporters of free speech, and free political speech. This was not about his opinions. Instead, after a bizarrely repetitive, jarring performance that left the crowd vocally dissatisfied, organizers decided to move on to the next act.”

The hell did these bitches expect? This is like me inviting Victoria Jackson to officiate my gay wedding and then acting all surprised when she says, “Do you Michael take Anderson Cooper to be your seat partner on the Sodomy Express to Hell where your souls will burn for the rest of eternity for making God mad?” (SPOILER ALERT: I’d still say “I do!“)

And on that note, Happy MLK Day and Happy Inauguration Day, everyone!

via Buzzfeed

Michael Lohan Never Said That Lindsay Lohan Is A High Paid Escort, So Says Michael Lohan

Earlier today, Radar had a quote from Michael Lohan which proved that he’s a caring, wonderful father who wants nothing but the best for his daughter. Did I type “nothing but the best for his daughter“? I meant to type “nothing but a check.” My mistake. Radar quoted Michael Lohan as saying that rich men pay Lindsay Lohan hundreds of thousands of dollars to “date” them and that White Oprah is her pimp. It was my first DUH! of the day.

A different source also told Radar that LiLo is an escort who gets paid to be “arm candy” to really rich dudes. Prince Haji Abdul Azim, who is known for paying celebrities to be his friend, paid LiLo $100,000 sit at his New Year’s Eve party in London. The source also said that rich artist Domingo Zapata lets LiLo stay for free at his penthouse at the Bowery Hotel in NYC and has given her the keys to his place at Chateau Marmont in L.A. The rich dudes pay for all expenses and give her expensive gifts. The source says they don’t know if White Oprah also takes a price gun to Lindsay Lohan’s snatch, because they don’t know if her freckled biscuit is for sale too.

Yes, “arm candy to really rich dudes.” I typed that. Bitch probably thinks she’s a diamond-studded dark chocolate truffle wrapped in gold foil made from actual gold, but she’s really a dusty bag of Circus Peanuts lying on a shelf in the back of a Rite-Aid.

But don’t go looking to see how Lindsay Lohan’s escort services rated on Yelp, because Michael Lohan tells TMZ that he never called her a whore and says that she’s not selling low-grade cooch at high-end prices:

“By absolutely NO MEANS did I ever make such a statement … EVER! Sure, Lindsay and [other celebs] make personal appearances and get paid for it! Sure, she and they get paid to go to birthday parties and other occasions! But for sex? Are you kidding me? I would never say that because she would NEVER do that and it NEVER happened!”

I believe that Michael Lohan never said that to Radar. I mean, Michael probably gets a cut of LiLo’s escort money, so why would he call her out? Michael doesn’t want the IRS knocking on his door to get a cut of his cut. Michael might have molten coke rocks for brains, but he’s not stupid enough to mess with his cash flow. A good pimp never tells.

Dina Lohan Says That Michael Lohan’s Abuse Against Her Is The Reason Why Lindsay Lohan Is So Screwed Up

Michael Lohan has already blamed all of Lindsay Lohan’s problems on the fact that White Oprah is an enabling coke vacuum of delusion, and now it’s her turn to blame him for their daughter’s poor decision-making skills. Inside of a Long Island hotel room and surrounded by cops and medical reports, White Oprah told the New York Daily News about Michael Lohan’s history of domestic abuse. White Oprah is only speaking out about it now, because Adderall pills don’t grow on tree and her back alley pharmacists need to get paid Lindsay Lohan encouraged her to after seeing an old picture of her with a black eye.

The picture from 1986 shows White Oprah with a bruised-up eye and a baby LiLo in her arms. When LiLo saw that picture, she screamed, “Tell the world! Talk about it!” So that’s what White Oprah is doing. White Oprah says that black eye is just one of the many that Michael Lohan gave her during their marriage and his abuse is the reason why LiLo is a mess. White Oprah got the black eye after a coked-up, drunken Michael Lohan Chris Brown’d her in the car. White Oprah produced medical records proving that on December 4, 1986, emergency room doctors treated her for “blunt trauma” to the face. When the NYDN asked Michael Lohan about it, he had a different version of the story:

“I came in at 2 o’clock in the morning after being out with some friends. I walked in and she hit me with an ice tray. With the back of my hand I slapped her in the face. Yes, it did happen in 1986. Were there any charges? No, not at all. I had a big black and blue on my neck from her.”

White Oprah says she didn’t press charges, because Michael was already headed to the chokey for committing securities fraud while working as a stock broker on Wall Street. When Michael got out of jail in 1990, she says he showed up to her parents’ house in a limo and begged her to take him back. She says Michael was coked all the way up at the time and kept begging her to give him another chance. When she refused, Michael immediately turned into a monster and raped her as the kids slept upstairs.

After he left and her parents came home, she went to the emergency room at Nassau County Hospital. Doctors examined her and collected evidence in a rape kit. Once again, she didn’t press any charges, because she says Michael Lohan was on his way to prison again for insider trading.

Most of what comes out of White Oprah’s mouth is a certified lie, but I actually believe her this time. Since Michael Lohan is a dried piece of demon shit stuck under Lucifer’s CROC, he told the NYDN that he never raped White Oprah and she’s the one who wanted sex from him.

“How can you rape a person when they’re on top of you?” he asked.
They were separated at the time, Michael explained, and he was dating another woman.

He said Dina claimed rape in a jealous fit after she called him later that night and heard he was with the girlfriend.

“I went over to her parents’ house and made love to her,” he said Sunday. “When I left and she called me, she found out I was with (the girlfriend) and called police. Then she called me the next day, crying. I said, ‘Let’s work this out.’ And I got back with Dina. There were no charges.”

White Oprah says that the abuse continued over the years and she got several orders of protection against Michael Lohan. She stayed for the sake of the kids and wants the world to know that Michael Lohan is to blame for LiLo being a professional fuck-up:

“She saw a lot of crazy stuff. I want the world to know the root of her problems. Lindsay saw all the beatings and all the abuse. She said, ‘Stay, mommy, don’t leave.’ She said, ‘I’m so sorry for making you stay.’ But I didn’t stay for Lindsay — I wanted all my kids to be happy.

I need to make the world aware that Lindsay is messed up because her father is messed up.”

Michael called White Oprah the “devil” and said that she’s just bringing this up, because she wants people to forget that she’s partying and getting high with LiLo.

White Oprah is half-right, LiLo is messed up because her father is messed up, but she’s also messed up because her mother is messed up too. Usually when one piece of trash fuck-up (see: Michael Lohan) makes a baby with another fuck-up (see: White Oprah), the baby grows up to either be a fuck-up or realizes they don’t want to be a fuck-up and escapes their family by entering a monastery far, far away. Yes, that’s Cody Lohan’s cue to shave his head and start heading for the giant holy building up in the mountains.

And LiLo was supposed to be in court today for slapping that psychic in a club, but the hearing was pushed back, because prosecutors realized she has more important things to do like party in London (see: pictures below).

Shocker Of The Century: Lindsay Lohan Didn’t Show Up To Work Yesterday

Patrick Bateman’s bloody corpse is lying on Lindsay Lohan’s driveway today, because he turned the chainsaw on himself after losing his psychotic mind from listening to hear dribble out fake excuse after fake excuse for why she didn’t show up to work. Hollywood’s forever employee of the month was supposed to show up to a studio to do work on that straight-to-public access, soft-core porn movie The Canyons, and when she didn’t punch her time card in, Bret Easton Ellis left her the above note on Twitter. I know, can you believe that Lindsay Lohan is an ungrateful, unreliable piece of back alley trash mess? I don’t believe it! Next, you’re going to tell me that those pictures of Robert Pattinson licking Rupert Sanders’ dried saliva off of Kristen Stewart’s lips aren’t one hundred percent natural and staged. What to believe!

The last time Lindsay Lohan didn’t show up to a job, she blamed it on “walking pneumonia.” I wonder what she’ll blame it on this time? I’m going to put half of my chips on “Ah I had 24-hour cancer!” and the other half of my chips on “Ah I fell into a secret portal in my wardrobe, traveled to a different world and had to battle the White Witch!” (aka took too much Special K)

I didn’t know what ADR stood for, so I looked it up and apparently it’s just dialogue dubbing. Why did they need the real Lindsay Lohan to do voice dubbing for Lindsay Lohan? They should’ve just ran outside and pulled some 50-something homeless hobo off the street. Then they should’ve made him chain smoke crushed nails rolled in sandpaper and inject lidocaine into his tongue until he got Lindsay Lohan’s signature slur down. The hobo would’ve done a better job and the sound guys wouldn’t have to worry about their watches getting stolen.

Here’s the consummate professional casing a jewelry store in Beverly Hills the other day.