Category: Laura Jeanne Poon
Reese Witherspoon Officially Filed For Divorce From Jim Toth, And They Have a Prenup
Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth–seen here giving “creepy couple who seemed to pop up everywhere you’d turn at a discount all-inclusive resort to insist on buying you a drink because they ‘saw you from across the bar and really liked your vibe’” realness–snuck in an end-of-the-week joint divorce announcement on Instagram just two Fridays ago after reportedly “growing apart.” And it looks like Reese is wasting no time getting rid of Jim and his midlife crisis jewelry; because she has already officially filed. They have a prenup in place, so the financial aspect might not get that messy.
Reese Witherspoon Doesn’t Want To Be “Likeable” Anymore
AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon (seen above looking like the definition of “I want to speak to your supervisor NOW PLEASE!“) is apparently tired of everyone thinking she’s an insanely likeable pocket-sized blonde imp. I wasn’t aware that Laura Jeanne Poon had a reputation for being the human equivalent of a no-talking back massage (which was the most likeable thing I could think of at this moment), but according to Laura Jeanne Poon, people like her, and that shit needs to STOP. Lil Spoon recently explained to the New York Times that she wishes people would stop thinking of her as “likeable”, because it’s getting in the way of her getting her fuck on. No literally – it’s preventing Reese from getting to say the word “fuck”.
Laura Jeanne Poon Has Hot, Sweet Moves
THIS IS BEYOND. Beyond!
AMERICAN CITZEN Reese Witherspoon was on foreign soil (Capri, Italy) at an event for a wedding last night and when the band played “I Will Survive,” she busted out some piping hot clapping and hair whipping moves and danced, danced, DANCED like nobody was watching. Except someone was watching and recorded her hot moves on their phone and sold that shit to TMZ.
Laura Jeanne Poon is just like all of us. When the sweet nectar starts flowing through her veins, she surrenders her body to the beat and lets the booze guide her. She was dancing like she was all alone in her kitchen, the kids just fell asleep and Skynyrd just came on the radio as her wine cooler buzz hit its peak. Laura Jeanne should’ve toned it down a little, though. She wasn’t on AMERICAN SOIL and so the Italian police could’ve easily arrested her for killing hos with her moves. I mean:
I think that’s called “the double bend and snap without the bend.” Get it, Laura Jeanne, give them that wristography.
via Vulture
Laura Jeanne Poon Is Oppressive
He’s totally trying to get the taste of the ballgag out of his mouth in that picture. One of the greatest contributions to our culture is Michael K. divining the extremely patriotic and sickeningly entitled Reese Witherspoon‘s real name to be “Laura Jeanne Poon”. It’s not really , but “Poon” is so perfect that I pretend it’s troof! Having the surname of “Poon” is the reason why Reese seems so uptight and utterly humorless. It’s also why life behind the hundreds of doors to her three mansions is joyless and stifling for her spouse.
Showbiz Spy reports (have your grain of salt ready) that Reese’s husband Jim Toth is only allowed to speak to her on a schedule. My name is Laura Jeanne Poon, I’ll be your mistress tonight. *sound of buttplug being shoved in Jim’s ass without lube*
“Jim knows when and when not to speak, based on a set schedule Reese has made,” a source said. “Jim will do anything in his power not to upset his wife… and when she doesn’t want him to speak, he shuts up.”
“Reese, I…” “SILENCE, INFIDEL! IT’S NOT 3:30 PM! Your next declarative sentence is allowed then and only then, scum!”
Madge doesn’t know shit about enslavers! She needs to have tea at Laura Jeanne Poon’s house sometime. Jimmy serves it. In a gimp suit. On his hands and knees. With the tray on his back. *shiver* It’s kinky at the Poon residence.