Prince Hot Ginge’s Future Drinking Partner Is Finally Here!

Kensington Palace announced today that after 45 days of labor, Duchess Kate popped out a baby prince. I was hoping she’d give birth to a Corgi, but sadly for me, she gave birth to a human boy instead:

Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a son at 4.24pm.

The baby weighs 8lbs 6oz.

The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth.

The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall, Prince Harry and members of both families have been informed and are delighted with the news.

Her Royal Highness and her child are both doing well and will remain in hospital overnight.

Since Duchess Kate’s pregnancy dragged on for a million months and her labor dragged on for a million hours, they’ll probably take their time in announcing his name. I’m guessing they’re going to go with Prince Diano Charles Pippo Robert Crawley John Paul George Ringo Morrissey. Or they’ll just keep it simple and go with Prince Hot Ginge Jr. Congratulations to the new prince! He’s already richer than all of us, gets to spit up on PHG and he has more hair than his father (for now)!

And when Kim Kartrashian tries to steal the spotlight from the new prince by releasing pictures of North West, don’t look! Just keep your eyes on that stupid Lindo Wing door.

The Day That Morrissey Has Been Dreaming Of Has FINALLY Arrived

In case you couldn’t tell from the fact that Morrissey’s screams of excitement are echoing through the world, the royal vagine is stretching as I type this. I got an alert on my phone at around 12:30am my time that said: DUCHESS KATE IS IN LABOR! STOP EVERYTHING! I was about to jump out of bed and glue my eyes to all the riveting live feeds from outside the Lindo wing of St Mary’s Hospital in west London, but I figured that THE QUEEN probably got the same alert on her phone, shrugged, screamed at her lady-in-waiting not to bother her until Prince William is re-enacting the “present to the pride” scene from the Lion King and went back to spooning with her pocketbook. So I did the same thing (but replace “pocketbook” with “empty bag of Soft Batch cookies.”)

The BBC says that Duchess Kate and Prince William showed up to the hospital at around 6am London time. A quick second later, Clarence House tweeted this:

Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge has been admitted to St. Mary’s Hospital, Paddington, London in the early stages of labour.

— Clarence House (@ClarenceHouse) July 22, 2013

The Duchess travelled by car from Kensington Palace to the Lindo Wing at St. Mary’s Hospital with The Duke of Cambridge.

— Clarence House (@ClarenceHouse) July 22, 2013

So right now in London, Duchess Kate is probably taking a royal labor shit on the delivery table as Prince Hot Ginge celebrates by doing afternoon vodka shots off all the nurses’tits. And when Duchess Kate finally gives birth to the future King of Queen of England, it will be announced on an ornate easel Pippa’s bare ass behind the railings on Buckingham Palace’s forecourt.

Meanwhile In England…..

“Why is that flying Kraken carrying a baby in a blanket in its mouth and why is it flying toward Los Angeles?”

Morrissey’s favorite family  (sans Prince Philip who’s laid up in a hospital bed) all sprayed their crotches with their finest smelling perfume and put on their fanciest daytime ensembles to celebrate the birthday of the British sovereign at the Trooping the Colour Parade in London today. The parade is also known as THE QUEEN’S Birthday Parade. THE QUEEN’S 72nd annual quinceañera (aka 87th birthday) was actually in April, but she’s THE QUEEN! She can have as many birthday celebration as she wants! (Cut to Morrissey’s anal glands exploding rage juice.) After the parade, the royal family and Camilla all got on the balcony and waved at their subjects. Then afterward, they all went down into the rec room of Buckingham Palace to get drunk on gin from Bargain Booze as Prince Hot Ginge played naked billiards with himself in the corner. Just like my abuelita did at her birthday parties, THE QUEEN cut herself a corner piece of sheet cake and went to her room to watch her stories by herself in peace.

The Daily Mail says that Duchess Kate made her last public appearance before she births out Queen Harryetta Diana (or King Harry Di if it’s a boy). Yes, THIS is what Duchess Kate chose to wear to her last public appearance. That ugly hat looks like it’s shitting out a bunch of pink ribbons. It’s like an Easter nightmare exploded all of her body. How dreadful. And I kind of hope Duchess Kate gives birth in the next couple of days and I hope her baby has a full head of ginger locks and really loves vodka. Because that would mean that Prince Hot Ginge is the father, which would mean that Kate’s face and his face would be on the cover of every magazine instead of Kim’s face. We deserve that.

And Now, I’m Craving Some Peeps

While Kim Kartrashian is still dressing her knocked up body in four-sizes-too-small leather condoms and fetus-crushing girdles, Duchess Kate’s knocked up ass is out there looking like a plate of deliciousness.

Duchess Kate went to a garden party with Prince Charles and Camilla at Buckingham Palace yesterday and she looked like a stick of butter with a dollop of whipped cream and white chocolate shavings on top. If Mama June was there, it would’ve been bye bye Duchess Kate. Mama June’s mouth and chin would’ve burped up locks of shiny brown hair for weeks.

Duchess Kate also kind of looks like a popcorn Jelly Belly.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m really hongray for corn syrup and thousands of calories.

Prince Hot Ginge Is Telling Everybody That Duchess Kate’s Got A Future King In Her Royal Womb

Some people thought that Duchess Kate would birth out a future queen named Diana Elizabeth Jodie (as in “Jodie Marsh” as in the true Queen of England) after she supposedly spit out the news on accident a couple of months ago, but Prince Hot Ginge is telling hos something else. The Mirror says that PHG is running his ginger mouth and telling everybody that a future king will slip out of Duchess Kate’s vagina royale and not a future queen.

My guess is that PHG let a heavy stream of the sweet nectar trickle down his throat and when that happens, he either starts spilling all the royal family secrets or he pulls his panties off and does the dick slappy dance for a bunch of hos. Sadly, he did the former instead of the latter and is telling everyone that he’s going to get a nephew. Some source said this:

“Harry has been telling everyone Wills and Kate are having a boy and how thrilled he is at the prospect of having a little nephew. He said the whole family were excited about it. Apparently Kate has always wanted a boy. They’re really working hard on baby names now and think they have it sorted. But they won’t reveal anything to ­anyone – not even Harry. Of course, Harry’s been making up crazy suggestions and winding them up too. The close inner circle all know that it’s a boy and they’re busily buying gifts with a boy theme. There will be an awful lot if blue in their house.”

People shouldn’t be wondering if Duchess Kate is going to pop out a boy or a girl or a giant set of teefs with no genitals. What people should be wondering is if the ginger gene that blessed PHG is going to bless Prince William’s kid too, because that’s the only thing that matters. The world has enough kings and queens (see: the line in front of the check-in counter at the Scientology VIP bath house), but it can never have too many gingers.

Oh, It’s Just Prince Hot Ginge Playing Around With His Wand

I guess Prince Hot Ginge doesn’t need to get drunk in Las Vegas to pull his wand out and play with it. Sometimes he does it in the middle of the day. As Duchess Kate laughed and thought to herself, “Watching Harry play with his wand is actually my job. I love life!,” Prince William smiled to keep himself from crying while he wondered why she’s not smiling at his wand. What’s wrong with his wand?!!!

Prince William, Duchess Kate (with a half-blood prince in her womb) and PHG went to the inauguration of Warner Bros. Studios in Leavesden, Hertfordshire today and they visited several Harry Potter sets, jumped on the Bat Bike from The Dark Knight Rises and got a wand lesson. The three of them looked like Ron, Hermione and Harry: The Later-ish Years.

And I take back that Prince William thing I wrote in the first paragraph. He’s not wondering why Kate isn’t happy to see his wand. He’s looking at his wand and wondering what the hair growing spell is. Is it Propecius Groweth? Or maybe it’s Cha-Cha-Cha-Chia?

Here’s more of PHG, DK and PW at Warner Bros. today. It’s nice to see Kate wearing something from the Big Business maternity collection.