Sir Patrick Stewart Got Married (UPDATE)

I totally wouldn’t be surprised if Sir Patrick Stewart and his piece got stoned before getting married in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.

73-year-old international treasure Patrick Stewart announced on Twitter today that he got married to his 35-year-old jazz singer girlfriend of 4 years Sunny Ozell. When Sunny Ozell gets beamed up to heaven, she will be directed to the VIP entrance when she says, “Hello, I was Patrick Stewart’s third wife.” Yes, Sunny Ozell is young enough to call Patrick Stewart “Pepaw Picard” for real, but she has very good reasons for marrying him : HE’S PATRICK FUCKING STEWART, he’s a millionaire, he can easily get her a dinner invitation from George Takei and HE’S PATRICK FUCKING STEWART.

Patrick Stewart’s rep confirms to HuffPo that he’s somebody’s husband, but the rep Super Glued their lips shut about all other details. Did he do all four takes when Sunny said “I do“? Did he perform a Shakespearean sonnet as his vows? (If the answer is yes, then he’ll probably win a few Tonys from it). And more importantly, did Magneto marry him and Sunny? If he did, then set phasers to YAAAAAASSSS!!!!

UPDATE: Ian McKellen posted this picture on Facebook with the note, “I did my part.”  Dreams do come true!

Here’s Patrick Stewart and Sunny O at the opera last year.

Pics: Splash

A Manic, Bedazzled Tornado Of Fabulous Messiness Hit Jimmy Kimmel Live Last Night

After the gay Tasmanian devil on molly that is Richard Simmons exited Jimmy Kimmel’s Live studio by crashing through the wall, the audience picked the shards of sequins off of their eyeballs and tried to figure out what just happened. Shit, my ass just watched both videos three times and I don’t know what happened.

In the span of 8 minutes, the true queen of pop gave Bill Hader a lap dance, lovingly caressed Jimmy Kimmel’s face, licked the questions off of Jimmy’s card like they tasted like piña colada lube, spoke in a “Mexican” accent that was almost as bad as the “Mexican” accent Dania Ramirez does on Devious Maids, flashed the basket of baby peaches in his pants, twerked to the oldies, cried about thirsty orphans, stripped down and got into Jane Fonda drag. And he did it all while wearing the most clothes I’ve ever seen him wear. He was dressed like the principal at Liberace’s Academy of Music.

I feel like I need to drink ten cartons of orange juice and lie down in a dark room. It’s like I’m coming down from E. Nothing makes me pucker like watching Richard Simmons go full Richard Simmons.

via Towleroad

Katy Perry And Lady Gaga, Who?

“Short, long, straight or curly?” isn’t just a question you ask yourself every time you’re about to wash, cut and style your pubes. It’s also the lyrics to the soon-to-be worldwide #1 on iTunes, multiple Grammy-winning song “Hair Do” from Richard Simmons.

As the Little Monsters and the Katycats fight over which one of their queens is going to claim the throne (yes, I am technically an adult human and I wrote that sentence), the pop dandelion Richard Simmons is casually skipping up the rainbow to the top of the charts! Richard Simmons queefed out the lyric video for “Hair Do” and it’s like a lost level on Rainbow Island (I can’t believe I remember that video game).

I can’t even remember the choruses to “Meow” and “Applesauce,” but I know that the award-winning lyrics “short, long, straight curleeee” are forever embedded into my brain and in 40 years, I won’t remember shit, but I will remember that lyric.

And Nicki Minaj can retire permanently, because Richard Simmons is the now the new Princess of Rap.

Pics: Splash

Dick Van Dyke Was Rescued From His Flaming Jaguar Today

The international treasure with one of my favorite full names (for obvious reasons), Dick Van Dyke (formal name: Penis Van Lesbian), nearly did The Penguin Dance up to heaven today when his Jaguar burst into flames on the 101 freeway in Calabasas, CA. The Los Angeles Times says that the police were called when Dick’s car turned into a goddamn chiminea on the right shoulder of the freeway at around 2 this afternoon.

Dick apparently had no idea that his car was on fire and he had no idea that he was seconds or minutes away from becoming a flaming Dick. TMZ says a dude named Jason Pennington was driving by and noticed that a pepaw was stuck inside the burning car. Jason pulled Dick Van Dyke out of his flaming car and saved a jewel of humanity! Dick was a little out of it, but he didn’t have any injuries and didn’t need to be taken to the hospital.

It doesn’t surprise me that Dick Van Dyke was saved from a fiery death. Remember when a pod of porpoises magically saved Dick Van Dyke after he fell asleep on a surfboard? Dick Van Dyke is never going to die. Porpoises and heroes named Jason Pennington won’t let him. Thank every God for that.

And here’s the aftermath of Dick’s Jaguar courtesy of Mrs. Van Dyke.

And This Is Why I Love Sean Young

Charlize Theron is an Oscar-winning actress, gets dozens of scripts thrown at her weekly, is considered gorgeous to many and is still relevant. Sean Young was in Blade Runner over 30 years ago, threw whatever dignity she had left to the side to shamelessly try to get the role of Catwoman, got fired from Dick Tracy, was on Celebrity Rehab and came in last place on Skating with Celebrities. So it is mind-bogglingly crazy that Ridley Scott would cast Charlize Theron in Prometheus instead of THEE Sean Young! If you detected even a drop of sarcasm in that sentence, then you need to get your sarcasm detector fixed, because I am serious.

Sean Young knows that she’s hot shit and at the premiere of her movie Jug Face, she told Entertainment Tonight that her Blade Runner director Ridley Scott should’ve cast her in Prometheus instead of that basic ho Charlize Theron.

“I am going to say this on the record – why in the hell does Ridley Scott have Charlize Theron in that part instead of me? It’s like she was bored out of her mind, you can see it, and it’s like oh my god! That would have been really good for me, right? It would have been a nod to people who like Blade Runner, it would have been like, ‘See, I’m using Sean again,’ right? Nah.”

Sean also recently said that when she heard Ridley was making another Blade Runner movie, she started calling his office and he hasn’t called her back. If Ridley doesn’t cast Sean in it, she thinks we should all boycott it.

I mean, what in the hell do you say to all of that?! When Sean Young is right, Sean Young is right! Charlize Theron might be hot, but Sean Young is so fucking hot. Sean Young just doesn’t give a shit and she hasn’t given a shit since before some of us were born. She don’t care! She is an iconic mess and anybody who has seen her delicately exquisite website (complete with a PayPal donation link) knows this is a fact.

The Wisdom Of Jackie Stallone

“I feel as though I look like a chipmunk” is one of the first quotes in Jackie Stallone’s interview with the esteemed literary chronicle The Daily Mail and it’s just one of the many shiny jewels in the treasure trove of an article that is everything. If you haven’t already, read the entire thing, because it’ll make you want to quit your job or quit school and devote all your days to studying the Tao of Jackie Stallone. Carrot Top’s face icon is wise beyond her 91 years and she’s like that talking willow tree in Pocahontas if that talking willow tree used aqua-colored liquid eyeliner and injected her mug with non-FDA approved fillers.

Jackie Stallone isn’t only the most gorgeous 91-year-old on the planet, but she’s also the wisest. Here’s a few drops of Jackie’s silicone-covered drops of wisdom:

Jackie on if she still puts her face under a plastic surgeon’s syringe: “I do and actually I’ve got too much, I look like I’ve got a mouth full of nuts, it’s Juvederm, too much of it. I feel as though I look like a chipmunk. It plumps [you] up here (pointing at her cheeks) but it looks like you have a mouth full of walnuts.”

I think speak for every chipmunk when I say that they wish they were as gorgeous as her. If they were, they wouldn’t have to go looking for their own nuts to eat. People would just throw nuts at them all the time. I mean, don’t you want to put your walnuts in Jackie’s mouth?

Jackie on the secret to staying fresh and stunning at the age of 91: “I use a bag of spinach a day, every morning for breakfast I steam a bowl of it and boil an egg on it. That’s the secret to my longevity. Who do you know that looks as good at 91? I am healthy. Here I am with a husband half my age, he’s 60.’

I think by “bag of spinach” she means “barrel of swan embryos” and by “steam a bowl of it” she means “smear it all over her face while chanting Aphrodite’s name.”

Jackie on how she doesn’t use Botox: “I’ve had chemical peels, I’ve had three of those and about 50 injections. No Botox, I don’t need that, what I want Botox wouldn’t help. I don’t have wrinkles in my forehead, I genetically don’t have that, that’s something I can be thankful for.”

No comment.

Jackie on how most hos who get plastic surgery in Beverly Hills look like they’ve been dick slapped in the face by Zeus: “I’m all for everything to make it (you) look good – anything and everything. But most of the plastic surgery in Beverly Hills is rotten. I have seen on TV and in person the biggest hacks. I will go to other states. Just because it’s Beverly Hills and they do the stars, but do you see what the stars look like? They look like they’ve been struck by lightning don’t they?”

Okay, I hate to call my icon Jackie Stallone a liar, but she obviously doesn’t go to other states when everybody knows that the best plastic surgery is done in Middle-earth.

Jackie on how Priscilla Presley and Kathy Crosby look like freaks: “You take Elvis Presley’s wife, doesn’t she look like she’s frozen in space and in time. Like a statue, frozen. Did you ever see Bing Crosby’s wife Kathy Crosby? They took too much out of her eyelids and she looks basically like she’s got two headlights there.”

With every word that falls out of Jackie’s mouth, I fall more and more in love with her.

Jackie goes on to say that Joan Rivers has had the best plastic surgery she’s ever seen (HAHAHAHHAHA) and that she loves shopping at the 99 Cent Store (insert your own “Does she get her Juvederm injections there too?” jokes here). And here’s my favorite quote from the entire interview:

“I don’t waste my time going to silly Hollywood parties. You have to be a role model for seniors. And actually I became a role model for the movie stars at 50, because what they dread more than anything is getting old and shot. But I get more popular as I get older. Hollywood fears age, but I think old is coming in. I think cougars are coming back. We’d all like to get there, get there like me. Not on a walker, not in a nursing home.”

Jackie Stallone is selling herself short again. She’s not a role model for seniors. She is a role model for EVERYONE. Any beauty who gets eyebrows tattooed on her face and wears aqua-colored liquid eyeliner in 2013 is my role model. I just wish that I could melt myself down into a filler so that a plastic surgeon could inject me into Jackie’s face and I could be that much closer to her brilliant mind.