A Picture Of Shaun White’s Ginger Crotch Bush Is Coming Soon

When I was in high school, one of my friends would screw around with her ginger twat of a boyfriend almost every day after class at her house. That’s the set up. So one day I was lying on her bed and my eyes caught a glimmery pile of what I thought was orange thread, but it was actually her dude’s pubes scattered on her top sheet. The first line that came out of my mouth was something like, “Clean that shit up, you nasty whore.” She looked at me seriously and said, “I like to sleep on top of his red pubes at night. It makes me feel close to him.” I mean… If Romeo was a ginge, Shakespeare would’ve made Juliet recite that line to her nurse. So now whenever I think of pubes of fire, I think of my high school friend spooning a pile of them in her bed, which leads me to this story about Olympic-winning snowboarder Shaun White….

TMZ says that in the near future you might get a few pieces of Shaun White’s naked ass body, because someone is trying to sell pictures of him to the highest bidder. The pictures were apparently taken at a party back in 2009. In one picture, Shaun is completely clothed and making out with some chick. In a second picture, Shaun and the chick are naked and hugging on top of a bed. TMZ has seen the pictures and want you to know that yes, Shaun’s also got a wild red fern growing out of his crotch. The carpet matches the drapes.

Shaun White looks like the love child of my two favorite things on this planet (Carrot Top and Night Mare from Casper), so of course I want to eat these pictures with my eyes. I bet his crotch looks like an uncooked dough cigar lying on a bed of saffron and I bet his ass looks like tiny people carrying torches up a snowy mountain cap. Yes, I bet his ass hairs are legendary! Stick a thermometer in me, because I’m already getting the fevah!

From The “How Do I Fap To This?” Files: Al Roker As Prince Hot Ginge

Out of all the wigs that tried to quit a bitch during Today’s ridiculous mess of a Halloween show this morning, why couldn’t it have been the dull beaver’s ass on top of Al Roker’s head?

My nipples have the weirdest hard-on right now and my other parts that usually flutter when Prince Hot Ginge’s name comes on my screen are so confused after watching Al Roker as Prince Harry. There is just so many thick layers of HUH?! here. Prince Hot Ginge would never walk into a LensCrafters unless it had a bar of contact lens cases full of vodka, so those glasses on Al Roker’s face are historically inaccurate! The top of PHG’s head naturally looks like a volcano erupting into an orgasm and so that sad piece of dusty rust carpet on Al’s head just isn’t going to work. Al looks more like the butch Indian lesbian who sat next to me in 9th grade English and tried to convince me that her ginger hair was all natural and not from a date with Miss Clairol. Bitch totally looks like a Bollywood version of Rojo Caliente.

With all that being said, even though Al Roker makes a terrifying Prince Hot Ginge, it is still my duty to fap to all things Prince Hot Ginge. Today is the day I find out if tears can double as lube.

Here’s more from Today overdoing the overdone royal wedding this morning. The cast of messes included Matt Lauer as Prince William, Ann Curry as Kate Middleton, Natalie Morales as Pippa, Savannah Gunthrie as Prince Charles, Hoda & Kathie Lee as Eugenie & Beatrice, the laptop girl from the 4th hour as Posh and Meredith Vieira as Queen Elizabeth.

Madge’s Older Brother Is Homeless And Living Under A Bridge

While a harem of naked ass South American boy toys bathe Madge in a solid gold gilded tub with red panda blood while hand feeding her canary diamonds and burning hundred pound notes in an onyx cauldron because the scent of flaming money feeds her greedy heart, her older brother Anthony Ciccone (seen above with the deflated Flock of Seagulls hair) is begging for coins on the streets of Traverse City, Michigan. The Michigan Messenger was doing a story about Traverse City’s homeless shelter and they interviewed 55-year-old Anthony who told them that his multimillionaire Kabbalah queen of a sister has circumcised him from her life forever!

“My family turned their back on me, basically, when I was having a hard time. You think I haven’t answered this kind of question a bazillion times — why my sister is a multibazillionaire, and I’m homeless on the street? Never say never. This could happen to anybody.”

Anthony was working at his dad’s winery in Michigan a year ago, but he got fired for reasons unknown.

My soul skips a beat at the chance to throw balls of shit at Madge for being a money-hoarding, greedy evil cunt with silicone cheek implants that cost about as much as a trailer house for her homeless brother, but we don’t know what’s really going on here. Anthony was fired by his own dad. What kind of crazy fucked up do you have to be to get fired by the man who carried you in his nutsack once?

Either Tony is a crackhead fuck up or he just loves hydrangeas. It’s probably the latter.

And here’s Madge with puff pastry face at the London premiere of her movie W.E. tonight.

Kim Gordon And Thurston Moore Broke Up

When I first read that Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore were quitting each other romantically, my first response was to declare for myself that forever true love is a falsity (file that under: words I learned while watching Judge Judy) and we should all spend what’s ever left of our lives fucking strangers, eating pie, fucking strangers and banging our heads against the cave wall until the grim reaper chihuahua shows up to lead us to the river that takes us to the afterworld. But you know, Kim and Thursty were married for 27 years. That’s two decades and a second grader! That’s two and a half Biebers! Many people could not wake up next to the same face for 27 years. Hell, some people can’t even wake up with their own faces on, which is why they get totally different faces glued onto their front heads. (I’m not naming any names. Kim Kardashian.)

Kim and Thursty simply want a different flavor of genitals on their tongue. That’s all. They passed this break-up statement to E! News and everybody else last night:

“Musicians Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore, married in 1984, are announcing they have separated. Sonic Youth, with both Kim and Thurston involved, will proceed with its South American tour dates in November. Plans beyond that tour are uncertain. The couple has requested respect for their personal privacy and does not wish to issue further comment.”

So, that shit also makes it sound like they might be fucking done professionally too. Oh well, 30 years is a long ass time for a band to be together and that is a great accomplishment. Yes, that is my new line for everything. Me to the mirror this afternoon after I eat a Big Mac and 6-piece McNugget: “Oh, Michael don’t be so hard on yourself. For the past 6 days, you didn’t give in to the wishes of the devil by eating McDonald’s. That is a great accomplishment for you. You had a good run…..and now you have the runs.”

The My Week With Marilyn Trailer

Because the HERP DERP Vogue cover of Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe wasn’t bad enough, here is a tiny peek of her in motion as MM in the preview for Simon Curtis’ My Week with Marilyn that also stars Kenneth Branagh (as Laurence Olivier), Judi Dench, Emma Watson, Dominic Cooper, Julia Ormond (as Vivien Leigh) and Eddie Redmayne.

I’ve seen some shittier Marilyn Monroe impersonations (see: Lindsay Lohan) that really mulches all of the soil at the Westwood Village Memorial Park Cemetery and any trick (except Eddie Cibrian) who was in But I’m Not A Cheerleader can do no wrong in my eyes, but it’s hard for me to look at this shit and not say, “Grams, come and get this child!”

By the looks of this trailer, Simon should’ve made Judi and Michelle switch roles. And then he should’ve taken a sharp switch to those parched bangs on Emma Watson.

Happy Hump Day, Here’s A Still From The Tupac Sex Tape

Here I was beginning to think that just like mermaids, a sober Lohan and jizzing while getting butt sexed without touching yourself, the Tupac Shakur sex tape was nothing but a myth. But TMZ proved it’s a real thing this morning by coughing up a few stills and here’s one of them. In the 5 minute long tape, Tupac proves that he would’ve been a “pat head rub belly” champion by holding a drank and sucking on a blunt while one of his groupies sucked on his down low blunt. Yeeeeeah, I love peen like it’s made out of bacon, but I don’t know if I want this. But I will give credit where credit is due! No, not to Tupac for his multitasking skills. But to that determined dick sucker.

Sometime in the future she’ll gather all her grandchildren around and tell them, “Did you know your grandmother once slurped on the dick of Tupac Shakur while he swayed his hips and danced with his homey and not once did my tooth graze his shaft. Yes, that’s why I have that framed ‘The Only Trick You’d Want Sucking Your Dick During An Earthquake’ certificate hanging in the den.”

Prouderest isn’t a word, but it will become one to describe the emotions her grandchildren will feel after hearing that historical story.