Marilyn Mon-NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Because every white actress with a SAG card has to terrorize the image of Marilyn Monroe by playing her, Michelle Williams is playing MM in that My Week with Marilyn movie and here she is in full MM drag on the cover of October’s (Happy Halloween!) Vogue. Yes, this is Michelle Williams AS Marilyn Monroe. It’s not a still from a Halloween episode of Dawson’s Creek where Jen is waiting for Grams to pick her up after Henry dumps her at a costume party or some shit. It’s very “Ahs juss sittin’ here waitin’ for my ride…. durp… durp…. durp… duuuuuuuuuuurp.”

Why couldn’t they get the other Michelle Williams (from Destiny’s Child) to play Marilyn Monroe instead?

Source: Fashion Spot via ONTD

Eddie Murphy Will Host The Oscars

This February, the biggest dressing room at the Kodak Theater will be filled with trans hookers and fat suits a plenty, because Eddie Murphy is going to host the 84th annual Oscar awards. Brett Ratner, who is producing that shit, made it official in a statement to Deadline:

“Eddie is a comedic genius, one of the greatest and most influential live performers ever. With his love of movies, history of crafting unforgettable characters and his iconic performances — especially on stage — I know he will bring excitement, spontaneity and tremendous heart to the show Don and I want to produce in February.”

The last time Eddie was at the Oscars, he flew into a full-on dramatic cunt queen tantrum complete with chapped ass when he lost to Alan Arkin, so this is the perfect choice!

Here’s hoping that Brett Ratner finds a way to resurrect “Raw” Eddie Murphy or asks Ricky Gervais to fill Eddie with some of that “not trying to give a fuck” attitude. But you know, if Eddie told every one of his “jokes” from Meet Dave while wearing a fat lady suit as a choir of animals from Doctor Doolittle hummed out Party All The Time, it would still be more entertaining than the unflavored skid mark that James Franco and Anne Hathaway scooted across the stage at the last Oscars. Actually, Eddie better open with the Doctor Doolittle animals singing Party All The Time.

Ryan Gosling Takes Eva Mendes To His Happiest Place On Earth

Over at UsWeekly, they have pictures of the struttin’ Canadian Magic Kingdom we know as Ryan Gosling “canoodling” with Eva Mendes at Disneyland on Saturday night. Ryan and Eva are currently shooting that movie together where he plays a death eater trash version of Draco Malfoy who left the wizard world to work as a house painter by day and a scooter racer by weekend (see above). A source type says that Eva and Ryan have always been friends, but now that she’s single and they’re working together, their fuck parts are really heating up for each other. And they made that shit perfectly clear at Disneyland.

Yes, Ryan is still hard up on Disneyland the same way your lady nipples are hard up for him. I swear, if Ryan told me he wanted to take me to the happiest place on earth for some churro eatin’, I’d be throwing a pissed look as soon as he got off on Katella Blvd. from the 57 freeway. Nothing kills a boner like the sight of Katella Blvd. UsWeekly had this to say about Ryan’s latest union:

“They were very playful. Eva was skipping around like a little girl…She would lean into him and she held his arm the entire time.”

And the sexy twosome did Disneyland right — riding the Toy Story ride, the California Screamin’ rollercoaster, a Little Mermaid adventure and the ferris wheel, snacking on churros, cotton candy and corn on the cob. “She fed him,” the onlooker says.

When the hipster maple leaf wants to really make a lady feel special, he takes her to anywhere but Disneyland since he takes all of his tricks there. BlakeLivelyOliviaWildeRachelMcAdamsKikiDunstetc.. They’ve all held his hand as the Toy Story ride attendant said to him “Why hello there, Mr. Gosling. Right this way to your favorite car. You prefer the yellow cannon, am I correct?”

If Ryan ever asks you out on a date, just ask him for the Fast Pass into his pants so you can bypass all that wooing at Disneyland shit.

Anne Hathaway As Catwo… I Mean, As “Selina Kyle”

The entire soul of the Internet dropped lower than the DOW late last night when Warner Bros. pushed out the first picture of Anne Hathaway as “Selina Kyle” from The Dark Knight Rises. If you told me that Anne was chasing a dog with Ricky Gervais voice and Joel McHale, I wouldn’t accuse you of lie telling, because this shit looks straight out of Spy Kids 4. This shit looks like it belongs on LOLCats.

You know, when they first announced Anne as Catwoman (or as “Selina Kyle” as they keep calling her ass), I thought it was a little ironic that they’d cast a chick who looks like a lab mouse that got injected with the blood of Cesar Romero, but I told myself that Christopher Nolan knows what he’s doing (But probably not. I mean, casting Katie Holmes AND Maggie Gyllenhaal?). I’m going to file my rage away until the first picture of Anne in her full Catwoman drag comes out, because this cannot be it. This is just Selina Kyle driving to Radio Shack to buy a new charger for her Bluetooth eye set. In the meantime…..

We must NEVER forget this:

We must also NEVER forget this:

And we must NEVER forget to completely forget this:

Iron Lady Dearest

Above is the teaser trailer for The Irony Lady, which sadly isn’t about Tony Stark’s Russian cleaning lady who becomes an accidental crime-fighting heroine when she falls into the Iron Man suit while cleaning the crotch of it with Windex. No, this is about Margaret Thatcher’s story or some shit.

Meryl Streep could get a paper bag an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor just by acting out of it, but in this trailer she looks like she has the inner mechanical workings of a Teddy Ruxpin doll. It’s very Teddy Ruxpin as Joan Crawford. That being said, she’ll still get an Oscar nom and we’ll all scream out about the injustices in the world when she loses to MilaKunisRooneyMaraAnneHathaway, because the Academy likes their Best Actress winners the same way a power top pig likes his man holes: young, pretty and hammy.

Jennifer Aniston Got A Tattoo

No, the tattoo isn’t the coordinates for the Beanie Baby factory. It also isn’t a reproduction of this tattoo with a giant red X over it. Jennifer Aniston’s rep tells People that her first tattoo is the name of her true soulmate: her dog Norman (R.I.P.). Is it weird that she got her dead dog’s name tattooed on her body? I don’t think so. Is it weird that she got her dead dog’s name tattooed on her foot? Maybe. But every time a drop of Jennifer Aniston’s homemade lonely spinster stew (brownie batter, melted ice cream, tears and spiced rum) fell on her foot, Norman always licked it up, so getting his name tattooed on her hoof makes sense.

It goes without saying but now that Aniston’s gotten her first tattoo and has earned a place in the Homewrecking Hall of Fame, Brangeloonies will start screaming about how she’s Hedy Carlson-ing YOU KNOW WHO. Loonies, please. Hos wreck homes and get tattooed every single day. However, if Aniston gets a pair of plastic toy lips shoved into her mouth and adopts a Cambodian Cabbage Patch Doll, then we’ll have to stage an intervention.