Category: How Subtle

Stunt Queen Kelly Ripa Strikes Again!

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Today is the second-to-last day that Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan have to sit next to each other on Live! and pretend that they don’t completely despise each other with every fiber of their being. Michael’s last day as the Michael of Live! With Kelly and Michael is technically tomorrow, but Kelly was clearly too excited and decided to celebrate his final show a little early. Kelly took a page from her own Stunt Queen 101 book and celebrated by leaving house wearing a jacket with the word “Freedom” written across the back.

Hmmm…whatever could Kelly Ripa’s “Freedom” jacket mean? The message is just too subtle. Maybe tomorrow morning she’ll make it just a teensy bit more obvious by dancing out of her house to Kool & The Gang’s “Celebration” while wearing a t-shirt that says “ADIOS, GAPPY!” in huge glitter letters.

As for what will happen on Michael’s last day, TMZ says that it will be pretty low-key. They’re basically doing a clip show of his 4 years as co-host, and the guests will be Carmelo Anthony and Matt Bomer. But if it ends up being half as awkward as today’s show was, then I’d say now is the time to plan on calling in sick so you can stay at home and watch the trainwreck in real time.

According to E!, Kelly and Michael really brought the restrained hate this morning. After noticing a woman in the audience wearing a graduation cap, they asked what she graduated from. She told them she had just gotten a degree in Journalism and Media Studies, to which Kelly joked “Perfect! Just in the nick of time.” Michael, who clearly does not give a fuck anymore, added “Don’t let this show scare you away from your dreams.

Oh boy, who even knows what kind of messy stops they’ll pull out for Michael’s last day. I know they won’t, but what I’d really like to see is Kelly and Michael doing a Mystery Science Theater 3000 thing where they talk about how much they secretly hated each other while watching Michael’s montage. “Oh my god, I remember that day! I tripped on my way out and you laughed. You know what? I’m really really not going to miss you.

Pic: Splash

Oh, Kelly Brook, You So Subtle

April 2, 2014 / Posted by:

This generation’s answer to Kelly LeBrock (“Errr, but who in the hell was asking for a new Kelly LeBrock?” – everybody) got engaged to the modest tattooed bag of muscles David McIntosh a quick second ago and since everybody’s minds were shaking in anticipation over what her engagement ring looks like, she gave us all the Q-Tip by oh-so-subtly flashing the ring she bought herself during a pap stroll to his first home the gym in L.A. yesterday. You’re probably reading this with your head slumped on the table and your body drained of energy, because ever since you read that Kelly Brook is going to get pre-divorced to Mr. BoiledPotatoAndCarrotCrotch, you went on a hunger strike until your eyes got a glimpse of her ring. You can nourish yourself again!

It’s obvious that Kelly went to Jared herself, because if David picked out and bought that ring, it would’ve been shaped like a barbell since he ain’t picking up shit unless it has weights on it. And the literary journal of integrity The Daily Mail points us to this tweet that David tweeted out right around the time he proposed to Kelly stopped lifting two Fiats to shrug and say, “uh, okay,” when Kelly showed him the ring she bought herself.

biggest smile on my face 1:cos I av da most incredible woman in my life 2:cos I’m smashing a shoulder session dat wud cripple 10 humans

And that tweet crippled 10 of my brain cells. Haha, I know, like I have 10 brain cells. You know, if David talks like he types, then he probably sounds like a post-stroke Tweety Bird with a burnt tongue. Kelly Brook picked out the best starter husband!

With all that being said, yes, I still wud.

Pics: Splash

From The Stunt Queen Files: Katy Perry Hides Her Face With THAT HAND

February 17, 2014 / Posted by:

But more importantly, who told her it was ok to leave the house wearing one of Blanche Devereaux’s old housecoats? That’s a privileged you’ve got to earn, honey.

After leaving a restaurant with John Mayer on Sunday night, Katy Perry decided she didn’t want anyone to take a picture of her face, and since Shia LaDouche has an exclusive copyright on all paper bag usage, she chose to use the next best thing: a giant diamond ring on DAT FINGER. Because nothing says ‘I don’t want attention’ like wearing an engagement-looking ring on your wedding finger right after Valentine’s Day.

Of course, both Katy and John Mayer are denying they’re engaged, and that it’s just an arbitrary ring placed on a randomly-picked finger. If this is true, then I believe the reason Katy is covering her face is because halfway through dinner, she came to the sobering realization that she’s dating John Mayer and became deeply and profoundly ashamed.

Here’s more of Katy and a totally innocuous Claires-looking ring leaving dinner on Sunday night with John Mayer. Yikes, are those Bono glasses and Eat-Pray-Love beads around John’s neck? Fuck, if I were Katy, I’d hide my face out of embarrassment too.

(Pics: Splash)

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