Category: Kelly Brook

The Cannes Film Festival Is “Almost Vulgar”, According To French Actress Mélanie Laurent

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

That’s the look of a woman who just realized she’s being followed up the red carpet by Paris Hilton. A real calm-in-the-eyes yet screaming internally look. So Mélanie Laurent, who you may remember as either the French girl from Inglourious Basterds or the French girl who got caught rubbing up against Ewan McGregor’s married ass a couple years ago, recently spit some hot truth to Vanity Fair about the Cannes Film Festival. Apparently Mélanie isn’t here for the endless parade of fame whores, reality TV people, and whatever you’d call what Rita Ora is.

“I think we are going a bit too crazy. I remember 15 years ago, it was more charming. Less crazy. Less almost vulgar. More respectful.”

She then added “But I feel the same way for any other subject in the world.” Somewhere in the west wing of Castle Goopskull, the leader of the So Over-It Snob Squad just pulled out her solid-gold iPhone 9 and started composing an email to Mélanie that read “You sound great! Call me sometime? xo Gwyneth Paltrow.

Normally I’d be down with such top-shelf shade, but I can’t help but feel bad for all those thirsty fame humpers who are working their asses off this week in Cannes. Every day, they are rolling off the deck of some rich dude’s yacht at the crack of noon so they can make it back to their hotel room (which they are no doubt sleeping three to a bed) to splash some water on their face, pick the dried up brie chunks out of their weave, apply 8-layers of makeup on top of the old, and make it downstairs in time for the 3 o’clock pap walk on the Promenade de la Croisette. Have some respect, Mélanie; being vulgar is hard work!

Speaking of, here are two of my favorites struttin’ for the paps earlier today. Why are Kelly Brook and former Hot Slut Hofit Golan at the Cannes Film Festival? Who cares!

Pics: Wenn.com

Kelly Brook And Her Beautiful Bulgy Fiancé Have Called Off Their Engagement

September 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Does anyone have a watch? I need to call the official time of death of true love. If an elegant British breasticle goddess can’t make it work with a bulgy burmese python-thighed super stud, then what hope do the rest of us have? I’d shed a single lumpy dick-shaped tear, but I’m far too depressed to summon the saline needed.

According to the Daily Mail, Kelly Brook – the “WHO??” of all whos (I know nothing about her, and yet I love her) – and the come-to-life M.U.S.C.L.E. figurine David McIntosh have called it quits on their engagement, thus killing my dream of seeing Kelly and David’s beautifully tacky wedding and subsequent messy divorce. Kelly confirmed the sad news yesterday on Twitter:

She also went ahead and deleted all pictures of him from Instagram, which is a damn shame, because if Instagram needs more of anything, it’s bulgy beef jerky jocks.

So it sounds like they’re really done. How rotten! I was looking so forward to seeing David’s XL pig-in-a-blanket peen stuffed into a pair of too-tight tuxedo pants. Not to mention I’m starting to think I’ll NEVER see Kelly’s exquisite saline crumpets wrapped in Chantilly lace; this is Kelly’s 4th cancelled check of an engagement. I don’t pray much (unless you count every time I get to the top of a drop on a roller coaster and start weeping and pleading with Jesus not to take me to heaven), but I’m going to pray tonight for Kelly and David’s busted relationship. Because if there’s anything I need more of in my life, it’s pictures of Kelly being escorted around Beverly Hills by David’s trouser banger and beans.

Open Post: Hosted By Kelly Brook And Her Hot Pantsless Piece

July 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Since I’m a Canadian person who grew up riding tauntauns and eating snow sandwiches, it should come as no surprise that I don’t fucking do hot weather, but unfortunately the sun doesn’t know that and decided to take a giant hot hungover sun dump this morning, and now it’s hotter than a deep-fried armpit in my house. My face is melting; I look like Kris Jenner.

However, once I saw these pictures of Kelly Brook strolling the streets of Beverly Hills with her hot fiancé David McIntosh, I slapped myself with a sunbeam and told myself to good god girl get a grip. If Kelly was able to step out in the sweltering California sun wearing 10 lbs of polyester hair and strolling alongside a hot burmese python-thighed super-stud like David without a single drop of sweat splashing onto her boobie balls, then I too could get through the day without looking like I stared into the Ark of the Covenant. Kelly Brook is truly a hot weather inspiration.

And the newest name on my Shit List is the pap who ruined everything by proving that David was actually wearing a pair of nut-cuddling booty shorts under his tank and not proudly shirt-cocking in public like I thought he was:

David McIntosh leaves his trousers at home for a trip to the gym, breakfast at Joe's Cafe and shopping for juices at Kreation Juice with fiancee Kelly Brook

Although I am impressed that they were able to get a totally candid and not-at-all staged shot of him crouching down to organize his groceries.

Here’s more of Kelly and David running Saturday morning errands in Beverly Hills. Yes, David wears itty-bitty booty shorts to run Saturday morning errands. Don’t question it. A wise friend once explained to me: “Booty shorts are not clothing; booty shorts are a lifestyle”. Yes, I’m friends with the slutty version of Confucius.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Oh, Kelly Brook, You So Subtle

April 2, 2014 / Posted by:

This generation’s answer to Kelly LeBrock (“Errr, but who in the hell was asking for a new Kelly LeBrock?” – everybody) got engaged to the modest tattooed bag of muscles David McIntosh a quick second ago and since everybody’s minds were shaking in anticipation over what her engagement ring looks like, she gave us all the Q-Tip by oh-so-subtly flashing the ring she bought herself during a pap stroll to his first home the gym in L.A. yesterday. You’re probably reading this with your head slumped on the table and your body drained of energy, because ever since you read that Kelly Brook is going to get pre-divorced to Mr. BoiledPotatoAndCarrotCrotch, you went on a hunger strike until your eyes got a glimpse of her ring. You can nourish yourself again!

It’s obvious that Kelly went to Jared herself, because if David picked out and bought that ring, it would’ve been shaped like a barbell since he ain’t picking up shit unless it has weights on it. And the literary journal of integrity The Daily Mail points us to this tweet that David tweeted out right around the time he proposed to Kelly stopped lifting two Fiats to shrug and say, “uh, okay,” when Kelly showed him the ring she bought herself.

biggest smile on my face 1:cos I av da most incredible woman in my life 2:cos I’m smashing a shoulder session dat wud cripple 10 humans

And that tweet crippled 10 of my brain cells. Haha, I know, like I have 10 brain cells. You know, if David talks like he types, then he probably sounds like a post-stroke Tweety Bird with a burnt tongue. Kelly Brook picked out the best starter husband!

With all that being said, yes, I still wud.

Pics: Splash

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