Open Post: Hosted By Hoda Kotb And Kathie Lee Gifford Acting Like They Care About Billy Bush Leaving

Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford have dream jobs, because they get to get morning drunk while blabbering out incoherent nonsense, which now that I think about it, is basically what I do. But sometimes Hoda and Kathie Lee have to really work for that money by pretending like they actually give one shit about something they probably don’t give half-a-shit about. Case in point: On Today this morning, it was officially announced that egger on-er Billy Bush is fucking done and won’t be coming back.

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Those Messes From The Today Show Ruined “The Peanuts” For Everyone

Those damn Santa Ana winds (Note: If you’re a weather-themed drag queen looking for a name, consider Santa Ana Winds.) must’ve swept in some serious shit, because my allergies are acting up like Justin Bieber during a Norwegian TV performance. I’ve been overdosing on Benadryl, so when I first saw these pictures of the Today hosts in Peanuts drag for Halloween, I thought the medicine kicked on the “hallucination” switch in my brain. This is what it would look like if those mutant creatures from The Hills Have Eyes disguised themselves as Peanuts characters to lure children into their cave. I have three words for this: MWA MWA MWA?! That’s Peanuts grown-up talk for “WHY, GOD, WHY?!”

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Pink Slips Are Flying At The Today Show, So Says UsWeekly

To answer the prayer in your head: No, a pink slip didn’t land between Matt Lauer’s cleavage.

Around 10 weeks ago, NBC brought on former ESPN executive Jamie Horowitz to save the lukewarm caca puddle that is Today and take it to #1 above Good Morning America. I guess NBC wasn’t impressed with what Jamie was doing, because they showed his ass the exit door before his contract officially started on December 1st. The good news is that Jamie doesn’t have to wake up to the musty scent of Matt Lauer’s smugness anymore. The better news is that he reportedly gets to keep the $3 million his contract is worth.

Sources tell the NYDN that Jamie created a messy environment at Today, because he wanted to immediately make a ton of changes. The source says that Jamie put other producers on the spot by asking them which one of their co-workers should be fired. Jamie was looking to fire hos left and right and Page Six says that he wanted to pink slip repurposed Stepford robot Savannah Guthrie and replace her with Kathie Lee Gifford’s morning time drinking partner Hoda Kotb.

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Elaine Stritch Proves That You Aren’t Ever Too Old To Drop A Beautiful F-Bomb On Morning Television

While covered in more fur than Rabbit Island and showing Arthur the Aardvark how Coke bottle glasses are really worn, the legendary Elaine Stritch is officially out of fucks to give, because she spit out her last one on the fourth hour of Today this morning.

89-year-old Elaine was on Today to talk about her documentary Shoot Me and as she rested her Keds-covered hooves on a Kathie Lee Gifford footstool (found in the clearance section of your local Raymour & Flanigan), the Kathie Lee Gifford footstool spoke and asked her about her bluntness. Kathie Lee Gifford asked for it! When you play with fire, you’re going to get burned. When you breathe in Kathie Lee’s breath, you’re going to get drunk. When you ask Elaine Stritch about her bluntness, you’re going to get the fuck word in your ears. Here’s the drop of YES that came out of Elaine’s mouth:

“Thank god it’s hasn’t been … not passed on television. If you just say things naturally, it’s fine. They’re just thinking ‘fuck.’”

Kathie Lee Gifford screamed, “Oh dear! Oh dear,” and I’m going to assume that at the same time that Elaine dropped that f-bomb, her breakfast wine buzz started to wear off and she got nervous. Because there’s no way Kathie Lee Gifford could’ve been freaking out over the fuck word. It’s the fourth hour of Today! I mean, I, for one, believe that children should learn the fuck word very early on, because it’s really one of the only words in the English language that matters, but children are not watching the fourth hour of Today. The only people watching the fourth hour of Today are people who have given up on life a long time ago and constantly say, “fuck it,” out loud to themselves, so an f-bomb is the opposite of shocking to them. And by “them” I mean “us,” because I watch that mess. It comforts me knowing that someone is more of an incoherent mess in the morning than me.

And where’s the petition to get Elaine Stritch and fellow f-bomber Sue Simmons to be the new fourth hour co-hosts of Today?

via E!

Tuck Game: D Minus

For 364 days out of the year, Matt Lauer has to put a suit over the ladies panties and bra he usually wears, but since it’s Halloween he gets to do a slow motion jog out of his dressing room as the sexy lady he wants to fuck over and over again.

This morning, the hos of Today all did themselves up like “iconic” TV characters and since Matt will never pass up an opportunity to put on a women’s Spandex one piece, he dressed up as C.J. Parker from Baywatch complete with a pair of rubber bowls that look more natural than what’s on Pamela Anderson’s chest. It’s a miracle that the producers of Today somehow managed to tear Matt away from the full-length mirror in his dressing room, because when he saw himself done up like that, he couldn’t stop staring while pinching his rubber nipples and caressing his padded ass.

I am totally disappointed that next to “tuck game” on his costume report card, I have to give him an almost failing grade. Unless he’s trying to say that C.J. Parker has a pair of low-hanging carne asada curtains and six clits, his crotch area is a total mess. Every intern at Today who Matt has flashed is probably giggling at this, because they know that he doesn’t have much to tuck yet his tuck game was still whack. But I’m sure Matt made up for it later when he spotted himself in the mirror again and was so turned on by himself that he tucked his stuff all the way between his legs while trying to stick the tip in his b-hole.

As for the other tricks from Today, Willie Geist went as The Hoff, Kathie Lee Gifford went as a Lucille Ball-looking ass Wilma Flinstone, Hoda Kotb went as Betty Rubble, wet piece of cardboard Savannah Guthrie went as a Barbara Walters-looking ass Laverne, Natalie Morales went as Shirley, Carson Daly went as Jon from CHiPs and Al Roker went as Mr. T. Carmen Electra, Erik Estrada and Vanilla Ice were also there, because what else do they have to do?

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Savannah Guthrie Will Replace Ann Curry

It’s not going to be Hoda Kotb or Meredith V or my personal choice Willard Scott. Savannah Guthrie will sit on the co-anchor chair that will have a revenge fart from Ann Curry on it. Savannah’s the one all the way to the right who’s giving that dried green paint some competition in the no personality contest.

TMZ says that Savannah’s deal to be Today’s new co-host is signed, sealed and awaiting delivery. Today isn’t announcing her as the new co-host until they wrap shit up with Ann Curry. Ann has two years left on her $30 million 3-year contract and she wants the full $20 million to go away. NBC has offered her $10 million and a job as a foreign correspondent for NBC News, but Ann is shaking her head no to that shit deal. Ann is fucking done professionally with NBC and wants to leave the network for good. Ann wants her $20 million and nothing else.

Ann needs to put her hands around that NBC peacock’s betraying bitch of a neck and not let go until that whore coughs up all $20 million. I had this customer service job once and one of my co-workers got fired for being a bitch to the customers. Did I mention that I loved her so? Well, when they pink-slipped her ass they told her she needed to come back the next day to sign some exit papers and pick up her last check. This bitch refused to sashay out the exit door until they put her last check in her hands. She sat on her chair, hugged her pocketbook and quietly talked shit to herself about her supervisors and the job. I played Mimi’s “Hero” on a loop on my computer speakers. The bosses eventually gave in and gave her the check. That’s what Ann needs to do. Sit in her chair and tell those bitches her legs aren’t going to work until they drop $20 million into her checking account.

And about Savannah as the new co-host…. I was hoping if it wasn’t going to be Hoda or Tamron Hall, it would be Natalie Morales. But I guess that would be awkward, because when I Googled “Natalie Morales Matt Lauer” this came up:

But then again, when I Googled “Savannah Guthrie Matt Lauer” this came up:

And “Ann Curry Matt Lauer“:

And this (no, that is definitely not sloppily ‘Shopped to shit, shut up):

So I guess if NBC wanted a co-host who hasn’t been winked at by Matt Lauer’s peen, there only option would be Al Roker. I think.