Would You Hit It?

When one of my cousins was a kid, he got lice from some brats at school, or maybe he got it from me since I’ve always been a dirty bitch. I don’t know, but my auntie really didn’t want to spend her hard-earned money on buying RID at the drugstore, so she tried to get rid of his piojitos the zero budget way by shaving his entire head. You know, because lice will magically pick up all their shit and move to another kid’s head when the forest of hairs they live in is mowed down. What I’m trying to say is that it didn’t work and she had to buy RID anyway. Anyway, my guess is that Harrison Ford pulled a move like my auntie and was too cheap to buy RID so he just tried to shave the lice away. That’s why he had a shaved dome while eating dinner with Gary Oldman in Philadelphia the other night. Yeah, that’s totally why.

And duh, I’d put on a slutty smoke monster costume, call Harrison Ford “John Locke” and hit it.

Han Solo Married Ally McBeal

67-year-old Harrison Ford became a husband for the third time yesterday after he got hitched to 45-year-old Calista Flockhart in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Yes, that is Calista Flockhart in the picture above. She’s been pulled and pricked more than Gay Al’s b-hole over the years which has left her looking like a damn parched fawn who rolls with bunnies. No grown ass woman should look like Bambi! But back to the happy news…

TMZ confirms that the two were married yesterday by the Governor of New Mexico. Harrison is in New Mexico shooting a movie called Cowboys & Aliens.

Harrison and Calista first started sharing an after-sex Metamucil together 8 years ago. They got engaged last Valentine’s Day. They both have been raising Calista’s 9-year-old son.

I didn’t think these two would ever make it legal. I figured Harrison thought the was too old for that shit, but he probably just said fuckit. And he also agreed to do it because Calista promised him vanilla sheet cake with strawberries in the middle. Oldies live for that kind of cake (ask my abuelita). And Calista hasn’t eaten cake since the 70s so more for him!