Guy Ritchie Parties His Troubles Away

Vadge’s last victim, Robert Downey Jr. and some old timey bank robber all went out together in London last night. The three of these scallywags are working on that Sherlock Holmes movie shit together. Guy’s nuts might be growing back, because he was all smiles and held his head up high as they all made their way to a party at the White Cube Gallery. Guy could be all smiley and shit because he’s excited about the open bar he’s about to attack. Open bars cure almost any problem!

If you’ve been shot at by your man, lost your corner on the ho stroll and caught your dog doing wet doody times in your favorite shoes all on the same day….none of that matters if you have an open bar in front of you. It’s a beautiful thing. Some people go to church or the crack house to ease the pain, I find an open bar!

Guy’s Got A New Piece

Vadge isn’t the only bitch getting her no-nut area licked by a hot piece. UsWeekly (via P6) claims Guy Ritchie is making sweet sexy times to actress-type Kelly Reilly. It must be a nice change for Guy to touch a chocha without it biting his hand. It also must be pleasant to be hugged by someone without worrying about the circulation to your brain getting cut off.

Guy is currently directing Kelly in that Sherlock Holmes movie with Robert Downey Jr. Kelly is a nice change for Guy. She doesn’t really look like gristle, which is a good thing. She looks more like a crispy piece of delicious chicken skin.

Speaking of gristle, The Sun claims this December will be extra-roidy for Vadge. A source said,”She and Alex are definitely aiming to get together before Christmas.”

How sweet. Vadge will have a shiny new pair of nuts to hang from her Christmas tree. Wait. Do Kabbalah people have Christmas trees? Okay, from her Menorah. Wait. Do they have those? Okay, from her rearview window. Wait. Does she drive her own car? FUCK! You know what I mean!

“Vadge Is Watching Me!!!!”

Guy Ritchie is sleeping with one eye open because he thinks Vadge has sent her “goons” to spy on him after their official break-up. How very “Dick Tracy” of her.

Guy has his man panties in a bunch after certain details of a private divorce “war summit” were leaked to Vadge. I’m sorry for putting the words “leak” and “Vadge” in the same sentence. The visuals alone…

The Sun reports that Guy accused Vadge of acting like the KGB and screamed at her, “This is a divorce, not the Cold War.” After that, Vadge the Hulk slapped him with one of her buff labia lips and Guy went out cold. That will teach him to scream at her.

A friend said, “Any hopes Guy had of their divorce being private and dignified are out the window. The allegations he was a cruel and neglectful husband have torn him apart so much that he invited his father and sister to the house on the weekend for dinner. They discussed the divorce and how Guy could stand his ground against Madonna and her PR machine.”

Guy somehow found out that Vadge and her goons knew about the dinner and had been keeping track of him for a few days. “When Guy found out he lost the plot. He said, ‘How can you set fire to our whole world? Why go to such lengths to destroy me?’ But Guy knows it would be unusual if Madonna wasn’t monitoring his every move. She’s a control freak and there’s so much at stake.”

If he thinks Vadge sending her goons to spy on him is bad, wait until he shits out the tracking device she secretly shoved up his ass while fucking him with her roided-up mega clitty.

David’s Bio-Daddy Wants Him Back

David Banda’s bio-daddy thinks that his son is living a life without love and tells The Sun that maybe he should be back with him in Africa instead of living in Vadge’s House of Pain.

David might not be living in a house filled with hugs and kisses, but he can eat all the soybeans he wants. Oh and there’s plenty of Kabbalah water too!

Yohane Banda said he’s disappointed that Vadge’s marriage tanked and doesn’t think his son is happy. Yohane got on his soap box and said, “I am still a poor farmer with nothing to offer, but maybe he would be better off back with us. This woman Madonna told me herself that David was beautiful and made her happy and she promised to take good care of him.”

Yohane lives with his wife, her 3-year-old daughter and their 7-month-old son. The Sun showed him a paparazzi picture of David and Vadge and Yohane responded, “He doesn’t look happy in this picture. He looks bewildered. If there is no love in the family, is there any love for him? This is a new and terrible thing to happen to him. I am too upset to think clearly. He is only three years old and he has been through so much.”

Translation: I am too upset to think about this…..but if she accidentally sent me a bag of money, I might feel a little less weepy.

He also claims Vadge promised to keep him updated about his son’s well-being and all that, but she hasn’t. Yohane said, “I thought she would take him away from the danger of malaria and other diseases that kill children here, and that she would let me know that he was happy. I have never heard from her since the day I agreed to let her adopt David. She has sent no photographs or news. I suppose she just wants him for herself.”

What the fuck did he expect? She’s Vadge! Not fucking Sally Struthers. I don’t know what to tell Yohane. He should know to never trust a muscle lady with a bad British accent!

And since we’re on the subject of muscle lady Vadge, the Mail on Sunday published some never-before-seen pictures of Vadge and Guy’s white (HA!) wedding. I’m surprised the crown isn’t bigger and Guy isn’t in handcuffs. I love the picture of him kissing her with his eyes open. He’s thinking, “What the fuck did I just do? And why do I no longer have any sensation in my nutsack area?”

“HOW SICK” is right.

Can’t We Handle This Like Adults?

No, let’s not handle it like adults. Let’s get dirty. Fucking filthy. I’ll pop the popcorn.

Methinks Vadge agrees with me. Before performing her song “Miles Away” in Boston last night, she told the audience, “This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. I know I do.” I know you are, Vadge! But what am I? Only the spirit of Pee Wee Herman laughed at that one.

Vadge previously said the song was inspired by Guy Ritchie. Everyone’s probably turning nothing into something. We know how self-centered this bitch is. She was probably dedicating it to herself. Click here to see some grainy video of her saying that shit last night. Turn down your speakers. It’s loud as fuck.

Guy might be getting the last cackle, because apparently the two didn’t sign a pre-nup. I would think Vadge got the pre-nup tattooed to her rock hard pussy lips.

Guy stands to take home $200 million when everything is said and done. Hey, that’s a small price to pay for taking someone’s nuts.

The NYDN claims Guy wants a huge chunk of their $521 million fortune, but The Sun claims Guy is worth $60 million himself and doesn’t want a penny from Vadge.

There’s also a couple of reports that Vadge has hired Paul McCartney’s lawyer Fiona Shackleton to represent her in the divorce.

Guy, wrestle away your nuts from Vadge’s roided-up vagina and get that money! It’s fucking pay day and you better collect. Oh and don’t forget to pour a glass of water on Fiona’s head during court. You must keep the “Heather Mills tradition” going.