Guy Ritchie Is Officially Free!

Guy Ritchie is probably feeling an unfamiliar itching down below this morning, because his nutsack has finally returned to him! Reunited and it feels so saggy!

A court in the UK declared Vadge & Guy’s 7-year marriage over in just a matter of minutes. It will take about six weeks of gross paperwork for the divorce to be finalized and official. Both Vadge and Guy decided to skip the court party today. She’s on tour in Philadelphia and he’s filming in Liverpool.

According to the papers,the two haven’t lived together for 6-months. Vadge signed a sworn statement saying that the reason their marriage failed was due to Guy’s “unreasonable behaviour.” She also said his bad behavior was continuing.

Unreasonable behavior? Eating a delicious cheeseburger is unreasonable behavior to her. Fuck. Disagreeing with her opinion is unreasonable. Shit. Having any kind of fun is unreasonable! She should have just wrote that he didn’t follow THE CONTRACT! “Contract, Guy, contract. You didn’t follow it.”

There were reports that Guy Ritchie told Vadge to keep her sweet money, but The Sun claims that isn’t so. According to their asses, Guy will get to keep his pub, the country estate and he will also get a cash payment of £25million (or $50USD after the conversion).

Last night, Guy told reporters, “It was never about money – never about her bloody art collection. I just wanted to settle it and move on. I didn’t raise any objections at any stage until she insisted the children lived permanently in New York.”

Now that they are pretty much divorced, can Vadge please give back the British accent?

Guy Ritchie Doesn’t Want A Cent

Guy Ritchie has opted out of wrestling any money from Vadge’s cold, dead vagina. Guy could have filled his pockets with up to half of Vadge’s $600 $450 million fortune in their divorce settlement, but he’s reportedly done the saintly thing and is voluntarily walking away with nothing. Gold diggers of the world, let’s all bawl our eyes out together.

The Daily Mail claims that the divorce settlement has been reached and an announcement will be made any day now. When Vadge throws all her millions on the bed and rolls around in it, not one bill will be missing. She gets to keep all her cash. The only thing Guy asked for is joint-custody of his two boys, Rocco and David. A source said that the two boys will split their time between London and New York. Lourdes will stay in New York with her mommy. I hope Guy also demanded his nuts back. He’s going to need those in the future.

A source said, “It will be all over by the end of the month. The priority for him has always been the children. Ritchie has not wanted her money. He has done exactly what Billie Piper did when she divorced Chris Evans. She walked away without any of his money, much to her credit. Guy Ritchie has done the same.”

Guy Ritchie obviously has a heart made of gold, rainbows and tears of joy from the Live Feed Puppies, because I would have bled that bitch dry! Even if he didn’t want any money for himself, he should have taken as much as he could, cashed it out at the bank and then walked the streets, throwing her precious money in the air like a fucking modern-day Robin Hood!

Guy Ritchie Doesn’t Give A Shit

Guy Ritchie was reunited with Rocco and David in London yesterday after not seeing them for a few weeks. They’ve been prisoners of the gristle monster. Vadge wasn’t going to let control go that easily. The Daily Mail claims that she sent a list of rules with her boys that Guy must follow. If he doesn’t, she will never eject his shriveled nuts from her roided-up vagina prison.

Here’s THE LIST:

Under no circumstances should they be allowed to read newspapers, magazines, or watch TV or DVDs.

They must adhere at all times to a macrobiotic, vegetarian, organic diet with no processed or refined food.

All water they drink, even when it is to dilute organic juice, should be Kabbalah water.

They should wear the clothes Madonna has sent with them on the flight. If they need to be bought anything, they should not contain any man-made fibers.

Their hands should be regularly cleaned with disinfectant spray if they are in public places.

They should not be bought toys that are spiritually or ethically unsound.

Guy should not discuss the separation with them.

Madonna should have phone contact with the boys as much as three or four times a day at times set by her.

The boys should not be introduced to Guy’s new friends, especially any new female friends.

Madonna has encouraged the access to give time with the boys, rather than his parents spending large amounts of time with them.

The boys should not be photographed while with Guy. It is his responsibility to organize security so that does not happen.

At bedtime, Guy should read David the English Rose books Madonna wrote.

Oops. Guess who was photographed with David and Rocco yesterday at the airport? Guy broke a rule! No gold star for him!

Hopefully, he’ll continue to break rule after rule. He should make sure he’s papped going into a porn theater, with the boys wearing polyester, eating cookies and candy, with a G.I. Joe toy in one hand and in the other hand a copy of OK! magazine with the tagline “Madge & Guy: It’s Over!”

Vadgeholics Are Out For Blood

Maniacal Vadgeholics will stop at nothing to defend their gristle goddess. The other day, Guy Ritchie was getting drunk at his pub when some insane Vadge fan cursed at him and spilled his booze on the innocent. Well, that dude is completely sane in the brains compared to this 16-year-old crazed Vadgeholic who broke onto the “Sherlock Holmes” set and threatened to cut up Guy!

The Mirror reports that a teenager dressed in all black got onto the set and ran towards Guy with a knife while shouting, “I’m Madonna’s biggest fan! I’m gonna kill Guy!”

A source said, “The bloke was screaming about Guy and shouting, ‘I love Madonna’. It was terrifying. At first it seemed like a sick joke but it was soon obvious the knifeman was not messing around. Luckily there were four security guards and two policemen who were able to overpower him.”

I’ll bet it was scary. Hearing anybody proclaim that they “love Madonna” is pretty fucking terrifying.

And you thought video games were making our kids violent today. Vadge is the problem and I completely understand why. Spending hours upon hours staring at her hulk crotch can’t be good for your mental health.

In some ways, though, Guy brought this upon himself. I mean, he did put her in “Swept Away.” This is his punishment.

Guy Ritchie Attacked By Crazy Vadgeaholic!

Guy Ritchie was out boozing, celebrating the fact that he’s almost free from the clutches of Vadge’s buff cooze, when one of his estranged wife’s fans tried to ruin his buzz. Purposely fucking with someone’s drinking time should really be illegal.

According to The Sun, a dude showed up to Guy’s pub and started yelling at his ass in front of everyone. Some witness said, “Guy was in the pub in good spirits and was laughing and joking over a pint.This bloke seemed to be on the lookout for trouble. He got a drink and started shouting about being a Madonna fan and ranting about the divorce. It was like he just wanted to draw attention to himself.”

The Vadgeholic also wasted precious nectar from the gods by pouring his drink all over some of the other boozers. The roided-up vagina lover also started screaming about how he had connections to the CIA. The cops finally arrived to end the madness and they took the maniac away. Hopefully, to the nearest crazy brains house.

Recently, I’ve also felt the wrath of the Vadgeholics. They really love to write in all CAPS, which is completely unacceptable. Only Kanye and Raven are allowed express their rage in CAPS-filled angry letters. And just like the Brangaloonies, the Vadgeholics think that using two Os in the word “loser” makes the insult more effective. Double the loser! LOOSER!

Vadge & Guy’s Crazy Marriage Contract

Vadge is the most controlling controller whoever controlled, so it shouldn’t come to a complete shock that she made Guy Ritchie agree to a marriage contract. The contract was filled with insane rules like how often they should fuck and what words they should using during arguments. I’m guessing “fuck you cunt” wasn’t one of the allowed phrases?

According to The Sun, the document was posted around the house and whenever he was a bad slave and broke the rules, she would say, “Contract, Guy, contract.” I bet he had to sign it with the blood from his ripped out nutsack.

Here’s just some of the rules on Vadge’s “I OWN YOU” contract:

Guy must work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual wellbeing.

Guy must devote several hours a week to reading Kabbalah texts with Madge.

Guy must only use certain words during arguments to resolve conflicts in a constructive way.

Guy must never shout and instead say, “I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this.”

Guy must devote time to sex sessions and not use sex as a stick to beat one another.

They couldn’t beat each other with their sex sticks?! No wonder Vadge always looks like she has blue balls. All she needed to do was to beat Guy with her “sex stick.” And trust me, she has one of those. It’s just usually stuck up her ass.

I totally believe Vadge has contracts and rules for everything. The hulk-lady is crazy. She probably even schedules her bowel movements down to the second. If one of her butt nuggets is even a millisecond late, she yells at her asshole and writes up her intestines.