Gordon Ramsay Is Going To Be A Dad For The Fifth Time

Not content to let Jamie Oliver be the only soon-to-be father of five in the beady-eyed famous blond British chef game, Gordon Ramsay announced on The Late Late Show last night on that his wife Tana Ramsay is currently knocked up with their fifth kid. To put that in terms that Hell’s Kitchen viewers will understand, Gordon put his unwrapped beef wellington on the same plate as Tana’s halibut, dumped a whole bunch of risotto on top, and soon they’ll have a perfectly cooked scallop. He also revealed that Baby Scallop will arrive in September and will be their fourth daughter.

“I’m a little bit nervous. Obviously, I’m happy with another girl. Four girls. Four weddings. Four Sweet 16s. Four boyfriends. Um, so.”

Gordon and Tana already have a small army of teens in their house, which includes an 18-year-old Megan, two 16-year-old twins Jack and Holly, and 14-year-old Mathilda. It’s a good thing Gordon is rich as hell, because Gordon and Tana are probably going to have to buy all new baby stuff. The Ramsay’s youngest kid is 14-years-old, and I don’t know many people that hang on to cribs and stinky old diaper genies for almost a decade and a half.

But I wouldn’t be surprised if the first thing they purchased for the new baby was a couple pairs of ear plugs. Not for Gordon and Tana, either. For the baby. “Welcome to the family, little sister! You’re going to want to keep these on you at all times, just in case dad finds a rotten lime in the back of the fridge and has a meltdown.”

Open Post: Hosted By Gordon Ramsey’s Unfolded Laundry Buffness

Gordon Ramsey is my favorite SharPei chef, always bringing crinkled forehead goodness to slap would be cooks down left and right on his show Hell’s Kitchen. Swooooon.  Now here’s something more to swoon over: Gordon’s pic on his Twitter account showing off his new buff bod as he preps to do the Hawaiin Ironman tomorrow.  Yes, Gordon is serving melted cast iron perfection in that picture and we’re all grateful.

In true GR fashion, the Hawaiin Ironman perfectly blends and frappés a 2.4 mile Waikiki roughwater swim, a 112 mile bike race around O’ahu and a 26.2 mile Honolulu marathon.  For Gordon, piece of freshly shredded carrot rum cake with delicious cream cheese frosting garnished with the sweet tears of his competitors.

My favorite of the comments on his Twitter page was this one:

@GordonRamsay HOLY DAMN BOY YOU COOK UP A STORM IN MY PANTS

— Emma Blackery (@emmablackery) October 9, 2013

Agreed and get it, Emma!  And GET IT Gordon.  Show those mofos what a buff (build and color) SharPei can do!!  Bite an extra hole in their unsuspecting mailman asses.  And then at the finish line, serve them up some hot INYOFACE on a bed of wild rice infused with coconut milk and their sour regrets for ever taking you on. Your choice of baked potato or a side of storm in your pants.  If you can take on and sort of win with Amy’s Baking Company, you’ve got this.

Who Is Going To Buy This Crap?

When somebody asks you what that scent of rat whiskers, foundation residue and spicy hummingbird juice (aka Ken Paves‘ sweat) wafting off your body is, do you really want to look them in the eye and say with a straight face, “Oh, it’s Eva by Eva Longoria”? That is some shit that will make everyone in the room turn around and walk out. You know that not even Eva Longoria herself uses that shit as a toilet freshener or roach spray. But here she is whoring it out at a mall in London today. Did I say it smells like rat whiskers? No, it really smells like the saliva shooting out of Eva’s mouth when she laughs at the bitches who spent their hard-earned money on her perfume.

And the box! THE BOX! It looks like some bootleg company unlawfully stole a file photo of Eva and slapped it on the box of the feminine hygiene product they sell at The Dollar Store.

Here’s more of Eva making that money in London today and going to dinner at Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant last night with Posh. And by dinner, I mean Eva ate and Posh sniffed on dirty napkins brought to her by the busboys.

Ass To Ass

Gordon Ramsay was taking his sundried mammillas out for a stroll with his wife on the beach in St. Tropez yesterday when he stopped so that this eyeballs could taste a pair of roasted and wrinkled ham hocks. You know Gordon was thinking how delicious those things would taste with a red wine sauce drizzled on top of them and a side of broad beans. Serve ’em up, you stupid donkeys!

And before you start farting about how Gordon is wearing too many clothes on a nekkid beach, take a better look because he’s clearly baring the ass on top of his neck. What more do you want? (And I still would. Both those asses).

Speaking Of Sun Dried Apricot Faces……

If Matt Roloff’s face was chiseled on to Mount Rushmore, it would look just like Gordon Ramsay’s mug. For some reason, Simon Cowell had an issue with that and advised Gordon to get his crevices filled. Yes, Gordon took plastic surgery advice from Simon Cowell. However, Simon’s juicy fur tits are pretty hypnotizing, so I’d probably listen to him too.

42-year-old (in humans year) Gordon told The Radio Times (via The Daily Mail), “Simon Cowell suggested that now I’m a success in America, I should do something, so I had a filler put under the deep crevices. It hurt. My mother said they were smile lines. I could deal with that at 21, but not at 42.”

SMILE LINES?! I’m sure that if Gordon Ramsay ever made a smiley face, they would cover it in world history class. Gordon cracking a smile is physically impossible.

While I understand that Gordon doesn’t want the chin of a hemorrhoid anymore, it does concern me a little. I mean, is Gordon still going to be able to open his mouth wide enough to perfectly shout gems like, “YOU BLOODY DUMB FUCKING COW” or “YOU MOTHERCUNT FUCKING DOG SHIT ASSHOLE“? Because Gordon can’t let vanity get in the way of him sharing his poetry with the world.

Gordon Ramsay Hates Tracy Grimshaw (For Some Reason)

If Gordon Ramsay ever called me a “stupid dumb donkey pig cunt” in person, my ears would probably have an orgasm. Hell’s Kitchen is like porn to my ears. But some think Gordon might have jumped way over the line recently and now a women’s group is calling for his head on a platter with a rotten apple stuffed in it!

Over the weekend at a food show in Melbourne, Gordon tore into Australian journalist Tracy Grimshaw. Gordon told the crowd, “We were secret lovers for 20 years. No, I didn’t go there and I didn’t go down. I didn’t stoop that low for God’s sake.” Gordon sprinkled more love all over Tracy by calling her an “old ugly lesbian pig.” When the audience gasped, Gordon said, “What? I’m not saying she’s a dyke.” Gordon didn’t stop there and hit the gas pedal by showing a picture of a nekkid woman with a pig face on her knees. Gordon described the picture for the audience, “That’s Tracy Grimshaw … holy crap. I had an interview with her yesterday. She needs to see Simon Cowell’s Botox doctor.”

Most of the audience told the Herald Sun that they found Gordon’s rant “disgusting” and “totally sexist.” Gordon’s spokeswhore said he was only having a laugh and he has a great relationship with Tracy. Tracy doesn’t think so. She went on her show tonight in Australia and said she has no idea why Gordon fucked her with a chainsaw like that.

Tracy said, “Gordon Ramsay made me promise not to ask on Friday about his private life. He then got on stage on Saturday and made some very clear and uninformed insinuations about mine. Obvious Gordon thinks that any woman who doesn’t find him attractive must be gay. For the record, I don’t. And I am not. Gordon Ramsay has always had fair and generous treatment on this program but despite what his publicist said in damage control, we do not have a great relationship. We do not have a relationship at all. I was absolutely miserable when I found out late Saturday afternoon. He says it’s a joke. Well, not to me or anyone who cares about me. Truly, I wonder how many people would laugh if they were effectively described as an old, ugly pig. But we all know that bullies thrive when no-one takes them on, and I’m not going to sit meekly and let some arrogant narcissist bully me.”

My guess is that Gordon asked to tickle Tracy’s nether regions after their interview and she shut him down. So he got revenge! But what I want to know is if Gordy has ever looked into a mirror? I mean, telling someone they need botox when he looks like a Shar-Pei’s ass just out of the dryer! Even all the grout and spackle in the land couldn’t fill those deep rivers in his face.