Kristen Bell Had To Pee Into A Jar While Wearing Her Oscar Gown

That’s the look that says “Why yes, you are catching top notes of asparagus and Nevada rest stop men’s room floor. If you give it a second, you should get a warm finish of Kindergarten nap time.”

During an appearance on Live! with Kelly and Michael, pap-hating elfin sloth enthusiast Kristen Bell answered some questions about the tight mermaid-style dress she wore to the Academy Awards, and just like everything in life, the convo turned to pissing. According to People, when co-host Michael Strahan asked her if her Roberto Cavalli gown was comfortable to sit in (because that’s all you do at the Oscars is sit for a thousand hours) she replied:

“Nope. And I didn’t realize that until I got into it. There was a situation … there was a Mason jar involved.” When the audience giggled, she laughed and said, “Like you guys haven’t peed into a Mason jar before in a huge ball gown!”

I have so many questions (the first of which being “Ew?”): How many times was she pissing in that jar – was it a one-time thing, or did she have a small Smuckers jar tucked away in her purse, collecting piss like someone’s crazy backwoods Uncle? If the dress was so tight that she couldn’t pull it up to use a toilet, how did she have enough room to scootch a glass jar up there? Is jar pissing that common at the Oscars? Is there a poor washroom attendant who’s job it is to collect the endless jars of urine that collect in the ladies room? Forget the Pizza Guy, Urine Lady is the one who needs that $1000 tip.

And a note to Roberto Cavalli: people are pissing in your dresses. If you want your couture to stop being returned to you smelling like hospital bedsheets, start including a Stadium Gal with every dress.

I guess Kristen Bell learned her lesson, because here she is at the Veronica Mars premiere in New York wearing a dress that could easily accommodate popping a squat (bonus points for picking a color and a fabric that won’t show visible splash back):

(Pics: Splash)

Bam Margera Is A True Poet Who’s Into Solo Golden Showers

The humanized scab skin torn off of a skater boy’s knee named Bam Margera is now getting into the rap game and has a new song out called “Bend My Dick To My Ass” and it’s only a matter of time before the RIAA certifies it triple gold condom wrapper. Shooting liquefied human waste into his mouth made Bam a TV and movie star, so he’s hoping it’ll make him dubstep star too.

In the video for the tuck fuck anthem of our time, Bam and a fellow down river skank dry hump in the back of a car and flash their parts all around Iceland. The true bright spot of the video is at the 2:44 mark when Bam takes a sip of the piss geyser shooting out of his peen hole. (The prolific piss drinker from My Strange Addiction is totally in love.) If you think about it, whatever shoots out of his dick is probably not as disgusting or diseased as the shit that’s in his mouth, so if anything, he’s cleaning out his filthy trash hole.

And the lyrics to this beautiful song have confirmed that Bam is the most influential poet of our time.

In a coffee shop in heaven somewhere, Robert Frost is writing a 5,000 word poem about how he’s disappointed at himself for not coming up with the poetic line “Bend My Dick To My Ass So That I Can Fuck Myself.” That’s exactly the line that The Road Not Taken needed to make it a real masterpiece. And will somebody please give me Bam Margera’s phone number, because I need to beg him to let me use the line “Titty Fuck My Ass Cheeks” as the title of my memoirs. That line is my entire life summed up in five words.

In other Bam news, he was kicked out of a hotel in Brisbane after he ruined the paintings in his room by drunkenly painting over them with a bunch of his piece of trash friends. If the hotel owners saw Bam’s music video, they’d understand his art and wouldn’t have kicked him out. You can’t keep an artist from making art just like you can’t keep a Bam Margera from bending his dick to his ass.

(Thanks, Joanne) 

Stunt Queens Keep Stuntin’

And here’s Pimp Mama Kris’ latest fame-getting scheme going for a not-at-all staged and completely unchoreographed strut through NYC today. Pimp Mama Kris should really stuff a bonus in Kim Karkrashian’s whore jar for flashing a perfect “if this doesn’t get the cover of Life & Style I’m going to sacrifice another kitten to my creator Lucifer” smile at just the right time. Pimp Mama Kris has those whores trained well. I was about to say that the only thing real in these pictures is that ice cream cone, but I’m sure it’s made from the same plastic Kim’s face is made of and was rented from a prop shop.

Bear Grylls Just Fell In Love

Beware, if you’re drinking room-temperature apple juice or warm, still beer, this mess right here will make you look at your glass with wary eyes. TLC (The Lawdthesebitchesarecrazy Channel) once again challenges your vomit reflex with their latest episode of My Strange Addiction, which features a woman who considers her own piss as the nectar of the heavens. The bathroom at a stadium is like a Hometown Buffet to her ass. Her bladder is like boxed wine and her pee hole is like the spigot. Etc.. etc…

Carrie is a cancer patient who hasn’t been to a doctor in years, because she believes she can heal the sicks with the natural medicinal powers of piss. The Linda Hamilton impersonator tells her friend, who should really get her own episode for being addicted to Ogilvie home perms, that she drinks her piss, snorts her piss, bathes in her piss and uses her piss as eye drops. Carrie’s piss is even like Dr. Bronner’s to her, because she uses it in her hair, on her skin and to brush her teeth. Ho is piss crazy! You know Kim Kardashian’s lawyers are putting together a lawsuit against Carrie for stealing her trademarked beauty regimen.

If a ho wants to guzzle on a golden shower, let her guzzle on a golden shower. It doesn’t effect me unless I pass out in front of Carrie and she has to give me mouth-to-mouth. (But I’ve put my mouth on dirtier things, so whatever.) But isn’t it really boring drinking the same brand of bladder wine all day, every day? “So Carrie, what are you having for dinner tonight?” “Well, Denise, I’m having a goblet of fine piss that’s been aging in my bladder for the past 40 minutes.” BORING! Carrie should spice her piss up a bit. Stir a little Crystal Light in there. Better yet, fill a blender with piss, tequila, ice, a splash of lime and have yourself a refreshing urine margarita! If Carrie really wants to get wild, she can nibble on some asparagus and take her tongue on an exotic journey to ew. Because if you’re going to drink piss, you might as well have fun with it (© R. Kelly)!

And if you’re judging Carrie, ask yourself this, “Have I ever knowingly put Milwaukee’s Best on my tongue?” Yeah, so don’t act like you’re better, bitch.

Bitch Got Fired: The Bear Grylls Edition

In a pub somewhere in Central London, Bear Grylls has his face underneath a urinal drain in the men’s bathroom and is drowning his sorrows in gallons of piss. Discovery Channel announced today that they are cutting all ties with Kim Kardashian’s golden shower idol, because he has skipped out on two projects he was supposed to do with them. The last episode of Man vs. Wild will air in November. Discovery pissed out this statement to The Hollywood Reporter:

“Due to a continuing contractual dispute with Bear Grylls, Discovery has terminated all current productions with him.”

I hardly watched that mess, but it’s still a sad day in television history. We were so close to getting an episode of Bear finding ways to survive on his own pre-cum for days on end. Now if I want to see a crazy moron lick piss and eat out a soulless, fury beast, I’ll have to start watching Jersey Shore again. No. No. No.