The Difficult Brown Threatens To Quit Music

I know, I wish he was threatening to quit civilization, but baby steps, baby steps…

Seen above with a ScarJo-looking ass trick who’s doing the walk of shame to his car after leaving a club last night, Chris Brown checked himself into a California jail yesterday. The Difficult Brown violated his probation by giving a driver fake insurance information and refusing to give her his drivers license info after he hit her car. The ingrown hair on humanity’s ass lips wasn’t arrested at the scene, so he had until August 6th to turn himself in. Fist Brown turned himself in yesterday and sadly they didn’t put him in a cell with a pack of rabid coyotes. Fist checked in and checked out 45 minutes later.

The Difficult Brown celebrated his 45 minutes in the clink by going to a club and picking up a piece. But I guess he and his piece-of-the-night didn’t hit it off (you pick up the GONG while I exit the stage), because a few hours later he spit out his pacifier and wah wah wah’d out another stream of diarrhea on Twatter. Fist Brown cried about how the media keeps getting at him for consistently being an asshole for the past 4 years.

A mistake? A mistake is Chris Brown’s dad not pulling out when he had the chance. A mistake is not nearly beating  RiRi’s face off. But whatever, The Difficult Brown is SO over it that all he does is tweet and moan about how over it he is. That’s totally being over it, Chris Brown. We shouldn’t celebrate the death of The Difficult Brown’s music career just yet, because I’m sure in about five seconds he’ll scream on Twitter about how his H8RZ are his MOTIV8RZ and he’s going to rise like Jesus. “Jesus died so Chris Brown could live!” – Mom Breezy 

Pics: Splash

Raven Comes Out

Raven Symone said last year that who she’s bumping genitals with is her business and everyone just needs to pull their noses out of her snatch. But then today, Raven and her growth-stunted brows jumped onto a rainbow-colored Segway and busted down the closet door with this tweet. Unless the government legalized human and Segway marriage, I think she’s talking about marriage being open to everybody in Minnesota and Rhode Island today. YAAASS! Olivia is all the way grown up and has waving her Team Gayelle card proudly. Let’s all dance to that:

And for those of you whores who are saying that Raven has been out this whole time, then keep dancing and take that tweet to mean that she’s come out as Rhode Islander or Minnesotan.

God Save The Queen And Queens!

In case you couldn’t tell from the fact that THE QUEEN always looks like a giant chunk of a rainbow and her hats are gayer than a flower poodle, she’s all for marriage equality and today she gave same-sex marriage the royal stamp of approval! Let them eat cock and cooch!

The NYDN says that yesterday Parliament said “YAAASSSS!” to a bill that makes marriage legal for everyone in England and Wales. Getting THE QUEEN’s royal approval was just a formality and they wanted to give her a reason to dress her Corgis up like rainbows.

Starting next summer, everybody in England and Wales will be able to get married in a civil and/or religious ceremony. England and Wales already allowed civil partnerships, so any couple that wants to add a layer of doom to their relationship can convert their civil partnership to marriage.

And when my third favorite royal Margaret Rhodes was asked to comment, she said, “And?” Whatever, I’m sure her ass will be having celebratory cocktails at Manbar tonight!

John Barrowman Got Married

John Barrowman, better known as Jack Harness from Dr. Who and Torchwood (or as every gay nerd’s fap star), married his dude of 20 years, Scott Gill, in California yesterday. John and Scott became civil partners in the UK in 2006, but now that gay marriage is legal in CA they decided to become husband and husband. They probably figured that since they’ve been together for 20 years and have been mostly happy during those 20 years they should know what it’s like to be absolutely miserable, so they got married. YAY!

The Scottish Neil Patrick Harris (or is Neil Patrick Harris the American John Barrowman?) announced in a WhoSay video yesterday that he and Scott were off to get married:

Congratulations to Captain Jack and Scott! And now that they’re married, Captain Jack has a legal obligation to tell Scott that those bangs aren’t the look.

via The Daily Mail 

DOMA Is Dead, Let’s Celebrate With A Golden Girls GIF

I wanted to celebrate with a SilverFoxDancing.GIF, but it looks like only FakeSilverFoxDancing.GIFs exist and posting one of those would be a crime almost worse than DOMA not getting knocked down. If you look out your window, you’ll probably see the clouds forming the image of Rojo Caliente as daytime ginger fireworks shoot up in the air and that’s because 5 Supreme Court Justices pulled a Juanita against DOMA. The Supreme Court also pulled a Juanita against Prop 8, clearing the way for same-sex marriage to start up again in California. YES! LET’S ALL GET MARRIED (but I am not signing no damn prenup)!

Sir Patrick Stewart’s Mouth Boldly Goes Where It Has Never Gone Before

Sir Patrick Stewart is 72 years old, has traveled the world and has probably dined in the fanciest restaurants and yet, he has never put his mouth on one of the planet’s finest gourmet treasures: a slice of pizza! Yes, Sir Patrick Stewart eating his first slice is HIGHLY important news.

Patrick bought a duplex in Park Slope, Brooklyn and to christen himself as a citizen of the neighborhood, he ate his first slice at Smiling Pizza. This is the most important thing to happen to New York pizza since Papa Joe first brought pizza to NYC in the olden times or whenever. Patrick folded his slice (makes it easy to dip in nacho cheese) and also enjoyed what Mayor Bloomberg would call an extra large soda. Some of us would call it a “one gulp.”

I still can’t believe that Sir Patrick Stewart has never had a slice of pizza before today. Well, Sir Patrick Stewart can say that he hasn’t truly started living life to the fullest until today.

You know, now that I think about that shit. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a slice of pizza either. I normally just drench the whole pizza pie with melted butter before shoving the entire thing in my mouth. The melted butter lubes the pizza up so it goes into my mouth hole easier.

via Gothamist