Zach Galifianakis Brought The Lady He Saved From Homelessness To The Hangover III Premiere Last Night

I’m taking a short break from our regularly scheduled program of foolery and fuckery to bring you a sweet story that proves that there are some nice people who do good things in the world. I know, this is my second nice story of the day and if I keep at it, I’ll totally have to change this site’s name from Dlisted to D’awwwlisted.

The New York Daily News (via UsWeekly) says that before Zach Galianakfifisksisnis was a multi-millionaire movie star, he did his laundry at Fox Laundry in Los Angeles and that’s where he met Elizabeth “Mimi” Haist who volunteered there for tips. Elizabeth pretty much only survived on tips from customers and jumped from friend’s house to friend’s house, because she didn’t have a place of her own. Zach and Mimi kept in touch, and years later when his checking account balance started to see more zeros, he got her an apartment in Santa Monica and he pays her rent and utilities every month.

Somehow Renee Zellweger got involved and decorated Mimi’s apartment. Squinty also buys Mimi’s groceries.

Zach didn’t just set Mimi up in an apartment like a kept memaw and stop calling her. Zach calls Mimi to see how she’s doing and always invites her to his premieres. Mimi has gone to several premieres and for the longest time nobody knew who she was. Some figured she was Zach’s grandma and others figured she was his side piece (Zach wishes). 87-year-old Mimi was Zach’s date to last night’s premiere of The Hangover III and before the premiere, she said this:

“I’m looking forward to it, I like the excitement of it. If he’s in town, he takes me. Otherwise he lets me take a friend. I dress up nice and a friend helps me with my makeup. It’s fun, not something I’ve ever dreamed I’d experience.

Afterwards, they have a party at somewhere close by and you meet the stars. I drink lemon drop martinis with Grey Goose vodka.”

Zach Galikadsjflkadsjfklasdfi has a glorious beard of ginger lushness, so I would’ve before reading this, but now after finding out that he’s a memaw helper, I really, really would. And somebody please strap all the Kardashians to chairs and read them Mimi’s story from the New York Daily News. The thought of being selfless and generous will make all of their heads combust.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s premiere. In order after Zach: a greasy vision in copper (who totally asked Mimi to be his next beard), Ed Helms, Jamie from The Real World: San Diego, Heather Graham, Justin Bartha, Santana from Glee, Ken Jeong and Hanson.

Grab All The Tissues: Oklahoma Tornado Survivor Finds Missing Dog During Live Interview

While talking to Anna Werner of CBS News about the tornado that killed dozens and destroyed thousands of homes, survivor Barbara Garcia of Moore, Oklahoma told them that she rode out the storm in the bathroom with her dog. Sometime during the storm, Barbara and her dog got separated and she knew he was under the rubble somewhere. Then, during the interview, a little shot of hope popped up when Anna spotted Barbara’s dog under the rubble. I really expected a Disney song to start playing. Barbara ran to her furry friend while I screamed at Anna and the crew, “You dumbasses, drop your mic and cameras and help TOTO out of there!”

That dog kind of does look like Toto.

The two were reunited and now you better go to your office’s HR department and complain to them that it’s totally unacceptable for people to be cutting onions near your cubicle and it’s REALLY unacceptable for sawdust to be flying all over the air, especially when you’re suffering from allergies. That’s what you’re crying, right?

via Buzzfeed (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

Dance, Tilda, Dance!

As I watched this video of the alien albino cockatoo Tilda Swinton dance like my abuelita after an extra sip of communion wine at Roger Ebert’s film festival in Illinois a few days ago, I read the news that all 12 gay and lesbian people in Rhode Island can get married soon! Once the bill passes in the House, every state in New England will be a gay marriage state. Marriage and misery for everybody! And now the come-to-life Air Dancer that is Tilda will lead us into the rainbow with her sweet, sweet moves. Dance Tilda can’t dance no more! (No, I’m not proud of that pun.)

The Time Freddie Mercury Dressed Princess Diana Up As A Man And Smuggled Her Into A Gay Club

I just want to hump that headline and cuddle with it afterward and I never want to cuddle after. I usually just want to drink tap water out of the bathroom faucet and then go and watch Dateline re-runs in the other room, but not with this headline.

HuffPo says that in her new book The Power of Positive Drinking, comedian Cleo Rocos writes about the time in the magical 80s when she, Freddie Mercury and TV star Kenny Everett dragged Princess Diana up as a hot dude to sneak her into a gay club in London. They put her in an army jacket, sunglasses and a black cap, and snuck her into the Vauxhall Tavern in South London. Cleo writes:

“When we walked in … we felt she was obviously Princess Diana and would be discovered at any minute. But people just seemed to blank her. She sort of disappeared. But she loved it. She did look like a beautiful young man. She was always a very fit girl, so they might have thought, ‘There’s a nice young man with pert buttocks.'”

That should be Disney’s next cartoon movie. I really need to see a cartoon movie about a princess who escapes her life by dressing up like a twink bottom to go to gay clubs. Greenlight that shit now, Disney. But seriously, I will never forgive my parents. They should’ve had me decades earlier and moved to London, so that I could’ve gone to Vauxhall Tavern and hit on a dragged up Princess Diana. Because the next best thing to hitting on Prince Hot Ginge at a gay club is hitting on a twinkified Princess Diana at a gay club.

Get Naked And Grab Your Cue Stick! Prince Hot Ginge Is Coming Back To America!

The U.S. is finally getting another dose of its favorite pastime faptime sport: watching Prince Hot Ginge get dick-out naked for a game of nude ass billiards! The streets of New Jersey, NYC, Connecticut, DC and Colorado Springs will all be covered with a river of genital juices this May, because PHG is coming for a visit.

St. James Palace announced this morning that starting on May 9th, some of you lucky whores will be breathing in the air that PHG’s crotch carrot exhales out. The third in line to the throne and the first in line to my b-hole will start his American tour by making an appearance at the 2013 Warrior Games in Colorado Springs. I’m going to take a Peter Pan Bus to Colorado Springs, cover my body with suction cups and stick myself to PHG. Once his royal guards pry me off, he will then make his way to New Jersey to visit the victims of Hurricane Sandy. PHG will then visit a landline clearance exhibition on Capitol Hill and he’ll show up to a charity event in NYC. PHG will end his American tour at the Sentebale Polo Cup in Greenwich, Conn.

UsWeekly says that this is strictly a business trip and don’t expect him to get his nipples out while drunkenly partying with some hos. PHG’s press secretary said, “Prince Harry wants to highlight once again the extraordinary commitment and sacrifice of our injured servicemen and women.”

PHG is coming on May 9th, which gives us a little over a month to hypnotize his piece Cressida Boners into making the biggest mistake of her life by dumping him. Then PHG will have to honor the solemn oath he drunkenly made to a random stranger in front of a club on the streets of London. He’ll have to go gay. I better call the Warrior Games and ask them how much it’ll cost me for them to tattoo my Grindr username on the forehead of every athlete that PHG’s supposed to meet.

Spring Is Coming Early (Or If You’re In Southern California, NO CHANGE!)

Here’s American legend Punxsutawney Phil making the same face I made the other day at Starbucks when the lady in front of me told her friend that she drinks so much Starbucks that her poops smell like coffee. If you told me you were going to Gobbler’s Knob to watch a grown man pull a hairy thing out of a hole, I’d tell you that I’ve never heard of that glory hole before and I’d grab my favorite knee pads while begging you to take me with you. Gobbler’s Knob sounds like a street name in Gold Base, but it’s actually Punxsutawney Phil’s homeland!

The NYDN says that thousands jammed themselves in Gobbler’s Knob early this morning to see if they can put their heating pad thong in storage early. Phil came out of his hole and didn’t see his shadow, which means that spring is coming early! But you know, I wouldn’t put my heating pad thong away just yet, because look at Phil’s face. Phil might be phucking with you. Never trust a side eye-throwing groundhog. Or maybe Phil is throwing a side eye, because he’s so over us weird ass humans and our weird ass traditions.

Happy Early Spring, everyone! And to those of us in Southern California, Florida and Hawaii, Happy Same As Always!

(Thanks, Sweetas)