Category: Finally Some Real Talent
Make Yourself A Bolli-Stoli, Sweetie Darling, The “AbFab” Trailer Is Here!
Lately, it feels like the only trailers we’ve been posting about are goddamn superhero movie trailers, so finally here’s something that’ll harden the nipple tips of those of us who us who don’t butt squirt out a babbling brook of hysteria over the 4,500th Captain America: Civil War trailer. (Although, that could change if Marvel releases a trailer where Captain America and Black Panther have a sword fight in Winter Soldier’s mouth.)
The full trailer for Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie was shot onto the Internet today, and either I’m still drunk from Sunday or this really didn’t disappoint. Or both! In the AbFab movie, Patsy and Edina go on the run to the French Riviera after they accidentally knock Kate Moss into the Thames while trying to sign her to their PR firm at a party. Saffy, Bubble, Lulu and Mother are also in it. This is the perfect palate cleanser if you made the wrong decision to watch that shit dingle Zoolander #2.
The cast list for the Twin Peaks reboot is so long that you’ll need to eat at least 3 protein bars and Gorilla Glue your eyelids to your face to get through it, and the AbFab movie may have just as many cameos. The long list of cameos includes: Jon Hamm, Baby Spice, Jerry Hall, Chris Colfer, Rebel Wilson, Gwendoline Christie, Cara Delawhatever, Graham Norton, Dame Edna, Stella McCartney, Alexa Chung, Lara Stone, Jourdan Dunn, Suki Waterhouse, Lily Cole, Jean Paul Gaultier and a zillion more.
But, of course, the only cameo that really matters is the cameo from Dame Joan Collins. The first still from Dame Joan in the AbFab movie was finally released:
I know, the AbFab trailer should’ve just been nothing but a black screen with the words, “Dame Joan Collins Is In It,” on it. But I guess they didn’t do that, because they know that there’s not enough credit card processors in the world to handle all of the advanced ticket sales if everyone knew Joan Collins is in it!
Benedict Cumberbatch Does 11 Famous People
No, I don’t mean “does 11 famous people” like that, unfortunately.
I wish this was a video of the alien amphibian adonis Beadybeads Colliefarm having a huge, messy orgy with 11 famous people and hatching his eggs in all of them, but sadly it isn’t. During an interview with MTV’s Josh Horowitz to promote The Imitation Game, B. Cums was asked to impersonate 11 celebrities of Josh’s choosing. Here are the 11:
John Malcovich: His Malcovich impersonation sounds more like an effeminate teenage boy on weed. Wait, maybe that’s what Malcovich sounds like?
Alan Rickman: His Alan Rickman impersonation sort of sounds like Kathleen Turner doing a British accent right after getting a root canal and that’s what Alan Rickman sounds like to me. Perfect!
Sean Connery: I cannot judge this impersonation until I play it for my mom who loves Sean Connery. If she passes out, I’ll know it was spot on.
Jack Nicholson: See above.
Tom Hiddleston: B. Cums and Hiddles are the Gods of Tumblr, so I went over there and the most popular tag was #ijustsquirtedforthefirsttime. So I’d say it was on point!
Owen Wilson: His Owen Wilson sounds a little like Kermit the Frog with laryngitis.
Michael Caine: See Sean Connery and Jack Nicholson.
Christopher Walken: One thing I learned while watching B. Cums do Christopher Walken is that lizards cannot do Christopher Walken.
Bane: Pretty dead on.
The Texas T-Rex: No. Needs more “alright alright alright.”
Taylor Swift: NAILED IT! Even better than the real thing.
I laughed at all of them, but then afterward my laugh face turned into a worry face. Because now I know that alien lizards can impersonate a specific human. The lizard uprising is near…
Don’t Just Stand There, Let’s Get To It, Strike A Pose, There’s Nothing To It
Now, this is how you serve up a gag-worthy crystal platter full of charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent in just a few seconds.
Las Vegas is already the epicenter of glitter and glamour (and I knew that ever since I watched a drunk chick in a short sequined tank dress barf into her hand a little while trying to put on baby pink lipstick in a mirrored column in the Harrah’s lobby at 10 in the morning), but its glamour levels reached new heights on Thursday night when a kid delivered a pose show for the gods on the local news. This diva jr. gave face face face he gave face beauty face!
Gawker says that during a live broadcast from Downtown Summerlin, a boy posed, Vogue’d and did the Bundy Bounce like everyone was watching. Everyone was watching except for those little girls who needed to exit stage left and let a true star werk! That kid’s “ewwww, don’t you know I’m the Beyonce” side-eye stank face says it all. Scat, girls, scat! Can’t you see glamour is in motion?
If I was in a Barbizon class with that kid and he got up in front of everyone and did that, I’d either immediately sign up for his master class since he is the Maria Callas of posing or I’d drop out on the spot and tell my mom that I was retiring from modeling. Because who can compete with a pose machine of fabulousness like this?
(Thanks to everybody who sent this in)
Jennifer Garner Does A Pretty Good Impression Of Ben Affleck While Telling A Story About Head Lice
“Hmmm, I thought Ben sounded weird when he called me that one time to tell me to stop texting him those kind of pictures because they’ll never compare to pictures of his perfect family and gorgeous wife whom he wants to remain true to forever and ever” is probably what Blake NotSoLively thought to herself after listening to Jennifer Garner’s impersonation of Ben Affleck.
You now know Jennifer Garner’s answer to the question, “What’s in YOUR wallet?” The answer is: LICE! Capital One’s current main ho, Jennifer Garner, was on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to promote her new movie Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day and she spit out the reason why she thinks she and Ben weren’t invited to George Clooney’s wedding. Jennifer says that a while ago, her entire family was terrorized by lice. Her kids got attacked, she got attacked and Ben got attacked. While telling the story, Jennifer busted out a pretty accurate (read: not that accurate, but hilarious) impersonation of Ben. Jennifer Garner’s impersonation of Ben sounds more like a whiny Boston frat boy with a speech impediment on Novocaine. (Actually, Ben does sound like a whiny Boston frat boy with a speech impediment on Novocaine, so I guess she’s spot-on.)
Jennifer says that after they got lice, the “Lice Lady” came over and combed some sulfur and rosemary-smelling Crisco crap into their hair and that went on for a month. One night, Ben begged her to go to some party with him right after she had just finished putting that lice-killing shit in her hair. When Jennifer got to the party, the first trick she ran into was George Clooney and she says it was obvious he smelled the lice ointment in her hair. Jennifer and Ben were both “working” during George’s wedding, but she thinks George didn’t want them there because of LICE! Here’s Jennifer busting out her Affleck impression while telling the story:
The HELL is the “Lice Lady“? Is that a rich person thing, because I’ve never heard of that. When we got lice as kids, the “Lice Lady” was my mom who drove herself to Thrifty drugstore, or wherever, bought RID and then smeared that stuff all over our nasty heads. My auntie should’ve been a professional Lice Lady, though, because she was no joke. When I was a kid, her sons seemed to get lice a lot (from playing in fields or from hanging around me too much) and every time they did, she immediately shaved their heads, smeared some homemade remedy on their skulls and splashed holy water at them while holding a rosary. She destroyed those lice bitches real quick.
Jennifer says that they only had lice once and I believe her. Because right after that infestation, she had the CDC build a booth on her driveway to make sure Ben gets flea, lice and crab dipped before he comes inside the house.
Here’s Jennifer at a screening of her movie in NYC last night.